Chapter 11
I do not sleep, not for one minute. First, I turn off Max’s phone and put it in his bedside drawer. Tomorrow, when I put him in the car, I will slip the phone in his pocket.
Then I call him and leave a message.
Let’s not fight. I’m sorry. Where are you? Please come home.
I lie back and try to think. I barely know the area. We haven’t been here that long. Maybe I should find a disused mine shaft or a quarry, if such things even exist around here. I have no idea. And then I remember, actually, that’s not true. I do know a place.
A month or so ago, Max came home early from work, around three p.m. I’d had an afternoon off, too. He was in a strange mood. Holly was at school.
‘This is nice, eh? Just the two of us for a change?’ he’d said. He poured himself a scotch, and then another. ‘Let’s get in the car and explore,’ he said.
‘Max, I don’t think so.’
‘Why not, Kate? Come on.’
‘I don’t think you should drive.’
He narrowed his eyes at me. ‘Who the hell do you think you are to tell me when and where I can drive.’
‘I’m sorry, but, Max, please. Another time.’
He grabbed my arm, roughly, grabbed his keys and pushed me outside. He shoved me into the car. I was terrified.
‘What’s wrong, Kate? Don’t you trust me? You trust me, don’t you? Do you trust me with your life, Kate? Do you?’
We went off a side road at full speed, and then he turned abruptly into a lane I hadn’t even seen, through the trees.
I was terrified. The lane ran along the edge of a common above a hollow.
I was screaming for him to slow down. The track was rough and uneven, the car stuttering as we drove over a verge, and then Max slammed on the brakes.
There was nothing in front of us. Nothing but the grey sky.
My heart was pounding.
He laughed and laughed. ‘Look at that!’ he said. ‘Look at that view, Kate! Wow, we almost flew! Did you see that?’
I got out and took a few steps. We were standing above an eight-foot drop.
A steep, rough slope with trees, but not enough trees to stop the fall.
We were well within the woods. There were no visible roads or cars.
No houses. Had he driven just that little bit further, we would have crashed down there.
And you couldn’t see anything from up there, unless you leaned over.
That’s it. That’s perfect. And it’s not too far. Maybe six, seven miles, partly on a rough track. I could walk home. It would take me maybe three hours at the most.
I’ll wear Max’s jacket, his cap and his sunglasses, even though I’ll be driving at night, but I don’t want to take the chance of any CCTV catching sight of me. Then I’ll leave his jacket and cap and sunglasses in the car, let it roll off the embankment and walk home.
That’s it. That’s what I’ll do. Tomorrow night.
Before going downstairs the following morning, I reach for my phone. I imagine how I would feel upon waking and finding that he wasn’t next to me. Relief, obviously, but still. I would check my phone for a missed call or text, then I would call him.
It goes to voicemail. ‘Max, let’s not fight anymore. I’m really sorry. Where are you? Please call me.’ I hang up. This afternoon, I will go to the site and take another look. Then tonight, around nine, maybe ten, I will take him out there. I just need it to be dark – that’s all.
Holly and I barely speak over breakfast, and judging by the sight of her, she hasn’t had much more sleep than I have.
‘I need you to help me with something,’ I say.
She looks up, a spoonful of muesli halfway to her mouth. ‘What?’
At least she’s eating. ‘I need you to help me get him into the car.’
She drops the spoon. ‘Kate! No, I can’t!’
I reach for her hand. ‘You can. You saw how heavy he is. I need your help.’
She leans forward. ‘Won’t he be frozen?’
‘Not completely,’ I say. I know. I looked it up. He will still be pliable enough to fit in the back. ‘Come on. We’ll do it now. Get it over and done with.’
‘No.’
‘Holly. Just think. By the time you get home, it’ll be over.’
She buries her face in her hands. A little more coaxing, and she pushes herself upright. I’d left our gloves behind the freezer. In the garage, we put them on again.
‘Ready?’ I say, my hand on the freezer lid.
‘No.’
‘You’ll be fine.’ I open the freezer. ‘Come on, are you read—’
When I turn back towards her, for a moment, I think she’s walked out, but then I see her, standing against the roller door, her wrist over her mouth.
‘I can’t,’ she cries, tears streaming down her face. ‘Please don’t make me do this. It’s too horrible. He’s rotting, for fuck’s sake!’
‘No, he’s not. You could do it yesterday. Come on.’
‘I can’t. I can’t!’
Her whole body starts to shake. I let the lid drop shut. ‘It’s all right, Holly.’ I rush over to her. ‘Calm down. Breathe.’ I take her in my arms.
‘I’m sorry,’ she sobs into my collarbone. ‘I had nightmares about him last night. I just can’t do it, Kate. I’m sorry. I can’t touch him.’
‘It’s all right. Don’t worry. I’m sure I can manage on my own.’
‘You think so?’
‘Yes. I think so,’ I say, with more conviction than I feel.
Later, after she’s calmed down, we sit in the living room together, me with my arm around her shoulders.
‘What about his phone?’ She sniffs.
‘It’s upstairs, in our bedroom. For now.’
She shudders.
‘Make sure to have fun with Scarlett. You don’t want her to think something is wrong. You don’t want her asking questions.’
‘I know. I’m trying.’
‘Just tell yourself it was all a bad dream,’ I say.
‘I’m scared.’
‘You don’t need to be. I told you, by the time you get back later tonight, it will be over. Come on. I’ll take you.’
‘Remember that when you come home, around nine, as we discussed, you’ll have to let yourself in,’ I tell Holly as we get in the car. ‘I probably won’t be home yet.’
God, I cannot wait for this day to be over. I feel sick to my stomach.
‘But you also have to pretend that I’m here in the house, in case anyone sees you.’
‘I know,’ she says. ‘You told me already.’
‘Holly, this is not the time to be flippant, okay? It’s really important. Just remember. I want you to walk home. You have to be alone when you get to the house, all right? So don’t let Scarlett’s parents offer to drive you home.’
‘They won’t offer. Trust me. They’re weird.’
‘All right.’ I don’t ask her to elaborate. ‘You open the front door. The light will be on. You have to talk to me loud enough in case anyone happens to be walking past, so they’ll assume that I’m home. Do you understand?’
She fiddles with her seatbelt. ‘I can’t believe you’re doing all this. It’s like we’re in a spy movie.’
‘I don’t want anything to go wrong. Can you do that?’
‘Yes! You just asked—’
‘Hey! Kate! Hi!’
We both jump at the knock on the driver’s window. It’s Teri, dressed in gym clothes, her face free of makeup, her hair in a bun.
I plaster on a smile and wind the window down, my heart pounding. ‘Hey!’ I turn to Holly. ‘Holly, this is Teri.’
‘Hello,’ Holly says dully.
‘It’s nice to meet you, Holly,’ Teri says. ‘I love your jacket.’
Holly looks down at herself. For once, she’s not wearing her enormous black hoodie, but a denim jacket with a faux-fur collar. She’s still wearing her baggy tracksuit bottoms and unlaced high tops, though. Some habits are hard to break.
‘Thanks,’ she says.
I turn back to Teri. ‘How are you settling in?’
‘Great! Almost done. I’ll have you and your family over soon, once I’ve spruced the place up. So like, in a year or two.’
‘A year or two would be nice,’ I say. I’m so focused on keeping it together, it takes me quite a while to realise she was joking. I add in a laugh. It sounds perfectly fake.
‘Anyway, I meant to drop by and invite you for a cup of tea,’ I say, before remembering she was only here yesterday, ‘but I’ve been so busy.’
‘Oh, God. Me too. But we should do it soon.’ Then she adds, ‘Maybe later today? I could spruce the place up enough to offer you a drink. Is your husband home?’
I stare at her, that smile still plastered on my face, my brain a blank. I cannot find the words. I cannot think of what to say. It’s Holly who leans forward to reply.
‘He’s gone away.’ Then she nudges me. ‘Kate? Can we please go?’
‘Yes,’ I say, the spell broken. ‘Good idea.’
‘Where are you guys off to?’ Teri asks.
‘I’m taking Holly to hang out with her friend this afternoon.’
‘Oh! Nice. Does your friend live far from here?’ she asks Holly.
‘Not really,’ Holly says.
‘They’re on that road with the big houses – Roscoe Crescent,’ I tell her, since clearly Holly has no interest in engaging in conversation.
‘I’ve run down that road. Gorgeous houses. Which one is theirs?’
‘The one with the conifers at the front.’
‘Kate?’ Holly says.
‘You go,’ Teri says. ‘It was nice to meet you, Holly.’
‘You, too,’ Holly replies.
After I drop Holly off, I drive to the lane in the woods. Just to take a look, make sure it’s the right place.
I park on the side road and walk to that exact bend.
It takes almost an hour, but it’s just as I remember.
Isolated and a little creepy. When I get to the end, I wrap my coat tighter, step carefully to the verge and look over.
The slope is steep, about eight feet, maybe ten, above a tangle of trunks and bracken.
Am I really going to do this? I stand there for a long time, overcome by an overwhelming sense of guilt and regret – the kind that makes you want to curl up in the corner of the room and pretend it was all a bad dream.
I wish with all my heart we hadn’t done what we did.
Yesterday, it made sense. Today, I am convinced we could have figured it out.
We could have told the police that it really was self-defence.
We could have built a case. I acted too quickly.
I acted on impulse, and I should have protected her, and now we’re in this mess, and it’s partly my fault.
Maybe I can still do it. Maybe I could explain that we panicked.
God, Kate, don’t be ridiculous. It’s far too late for that.
I walk back to the road and to my car. It’ll be fine. He won’t be found for ages, I don’t think. It could be weeks.
I am almost home when my phone rings. It’s Holly.
‘Everything—’
‘Kate! Oh God! I’m sorry! I fucked up! I’m so sorry! Oh, God! Please come!’