28. Meghan
TWENTY-EIGHT
Meghan
SIX WEEKS LATER
B efore I returned to New York with Cooper, I promised myself that I wouldn’t want more than to co-parent with him. We even signed an agreement, not a legally binding one, that said that it was all we would ever be and that he would provide anything Lizzie needed.
I needed the boundaries .
As if I could switch off my feelings for him and not want to jump him every time he walks into a room. I realize now that infatuation, lust, love or hate—no emotion can be turned off. No matter how much I wish for that to be the case.
Cooper, Lizzie, and I have been living in Cooper’s Upper East Side penthouse for the past four weeks and seeing him walk around topless, cradling our newborn baby against his toned chest or in those goddamn gray sweatpants is really testing my resolve.
So far I’ve managed to stay strong, but I’m not sure how much longer I can last before I beg him to just hold me. My longing for him has grown tenfold with each day we live in the same house. He’s so close yet so far, and I can practically feel my barriers crumbling.
I should be putting my focus into finding a job and a place for Lizzie and I to live, but he’s not gone back to work yet, and he’s very distracting. It seems like every time I get my laptop out to start searching, he walks past with Lizzie cradled against his bare chest.
Lord, give me strength.
We stayed with my dad for just over a week so that he could see Lizzie for a while before we had to leave him with the promise that we would visit as soon as we were settled in.
It was hard for me to leave him behind, especially as he had me for the last seven months, but he assured me he would be okay and all but strapped me into the car when it was time to leave for the airport.
As we arrived at the airport, I was shocked to find Cooper had chartered a whole damn plane. I know he’s rich, but it was the first time I’d really experienced it for myself. He’s usually so reserved with his spending.
Sitting on the couch in Cooper’s apartment with Lizzie cradled in my arms, soothing her to sleep, I wait for Alex to arrive. Cooper’s out to lunch with his mom. I went to lunch with Catherine Jackson when we arrived back in New York.
She welcomed me with open arms, gushing over her Lizzie and saying how she always thought I would be the perfect match for Cooper. I left it with him to clear up her misunderstanding, not wanting to be the reason the twinkle in her eye died.
Even though I kept in constant contact with Alex while I was back in Sacramento, we haven’t had a chance to meet up since I returned to the city—so a much needed catch up is on the cards today.
When the doorbell rings, I make my way to the door, swinging it open and whisper-screaming at her, so as not to wake Lizzie.
“Oh my God, girl. You look amazing. Motherhood agrees with you,” Alex compliments, as she pulls me in for a side hug.
“She’s the cutest baby I have ever seen.
The pictures just don’t do her justice,” she exclaims, looking down at a sleeping Lizzie in my arms. “I can’t wait to hold her when she’s awake. ”
“If you mean the look of exhaustion agrees with me, you are correct.” I laugh, causing Alex’s eyes to narrow.
“Is he not pulling his weight?” she quizzes, and before giving me a chance to respond, she continues on. “You know I’ll punch him in the d-i-c-k, if needed, just say the word.”
“Of course he is. He’s been amazing. I’m just messing with you because I don’t feel like I look amazing.” I laugh, shoving her shoulder and turning so she can follow me into the apartment .
Leading us into the living room where I’ve set up a bassinet to pop Lizzie in, I gently place her inside and turn around to motion for Alex to follow me into the kitchen.
“How are you?” I ask as I busy myself making coffee. Alex takes a seat on one of the stools at the kitchen island before answering me.
“I’m good. I’ll be even better when I can hold Lizzie.” She gazes over at her bassinet longingly before continuing. “I’ve mostly been working, especially since they gave me more responsibility. I’m enjoying the challenge, even if it means my social life is pretty much non-existent.”
“I’m so proud of you, Alex. You’ve come so far since you moved here and I just know you’re going to go even further. There’s nothing to stop you from one day becoming a managing partner yourself.”
“This is why I keep you around, you’re good for my ego,” she chuckles.
“Are you seeing anyone?” My back is to her, but I can tell by how long it takes her to answer, that there’s something she isn’t telling me.
“Not anymore, if you can even call it that,” she murmurs, sounding defeated, which causes me to turn around and look her in the eye.
“Want to tell me about it?” I ask, smiling softly with compassion.
Her head drops, and she shakes her head before reaching up to wipe a single tear away. I wrap my arms around her as we cry together .
“Why are you crying, mama?” she chuckles as she pulls away and looks into my eyes.
“I’m sad for you. You deserve so much, and whoever he is…
well, he’s an idiot for letting you go.” I practically wail.
“Plus, I’m still really hormonal.” I laugh, which causes Alex to break out into a loud laugh before we both shush each other, not wanting to wake Lizzie.
I’m glad to have been able to put a smile back on Alex’s face.
“Come on, let’s go drink some coffee and watch movies while we pretend to not just stare at your beautiful baby girl. And you can tell me all about living with your baby daddy,” she calls over her shoulder as she grabs the coffee mugs and heads into the living room.
“It’s the worst,” I moan as I flop onto the couch next to a giggling Alex.
She’s put our coffees on the table and so I reach forward and pick mine up before curling my legs underneath myself, taking a sip.
“Why is it the worst?” she asks before tapping her finger on her chin as she continues. “It wasn’t that long ago that you were telling me how much you loved him,” she teases me.
“First of all, I never said love, not at the time. Secondly, that’s the problem now.
Coming back to the city and living with him has just confirmed to me that I do love him.
I’ve tried to fight it, but he’s been nothing but attentive to me.
He’s a great dad to Lizzie and, God, every time I see him, I want to climb his body and devour him.
Our time apart did nothing to minimize my feelings for him. ”
“Has the doctor said you can… you know?” she asks, wiggling her eyebrows as she hides her smirk behind her mug.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I can or will.
We’re sleeping in separate rooms, and he hasn’t made a move.
Not since we were in the hospital, which was a whisper of a kiss, and I then told him we couldn’t be more than co-parents.
For all I know, he’s still seeing Hayley.
He hasn’t mentioned her, aside from telling me I misunderstood what I heard, and she’s not been over, but that doesn’t mean he’s not talking to her.
” My stomach clenches at the thought of him being with her, being with anyone that isn’t me.
“And you haven’t spoken to him to ask what exactly it was you misunderstood?” Alex asks.
“No,” I reply sheepishly.
“And why is that?”
“Because I haven’t had the guts to bring up that day. I don’t want to relive my heartache again.”
“I think you should. Do you not think you should have a conversation with him to say you would actually like to give it a try again?”
I laugh at her question, because I’ve thought about doing just that so many times in the short time I’ve been here.
“No, I can’t ask him if he wants to give a relationship with me a chance because I can’t face the rejection that would inevitably come when he says he’s not interested.
I’d want to leave, and that won’t ever be an option now that we have Lizzie.
I won’t be his fuck buddy again, either.
It’s better for everyone if I keep how I feel to myself. ”
My chest feels tight at the thought of having to leave, even if just to my own place. The truth is, I don’t want to move out of his place. I like having him around, even if it’s down the hall and not next to me in bed.
I want to keep our family together. At least that’s what I tell myself.
“I get that, but how are you going to feel when he moves on?”
My heart grows heavy at the thought and tears well in my eyes.
“I’ll be fine,” I say around the heavy lump in my throat.
If I’m being honest, I’ll be destroyed when he moves on—if he hasn’t already.
At least at the moment I can pretend it’s not true.
I truly believe that Cooper is the one and it hurts me to even think about him with anyone else.
If I have misunderstood the whole situation like Alex said, eventually he will move on.
How would I feel when he starts seeing someone?
Or even worse, when he brings someone home?
When he introduces her to our daughter.
Or he gets engaged to her.
What about when he gets married and has more babies? A family of his own.
No longer able to hold the tears back, my face scrunches up at the pain in my heart as they come tumbling down my cheeks.
“Oh, babe. Come here.” Alex takes my mug from my hands and places it on the coffee table with her own before pulling me into her arms.
We sit like this for a while, my sobs muffled in Alex’s shoulder as she soothes my back. Eventually, I pull away from her and roughly wipe my cheeks before exhaling harshly.
“Tell me something. Anything to distract me from the disaster that is my life,” I beg.
“Promise you won’t tell anyone?” she murmurs, a sad smile tilting the corner of her lips.
“I pinkie-promise,” I swear, holding out my pinkie finger for her to shake. She laughs at the immature gesture but does it anyway, knowing I would never break a pinkie swear.
“I slept with Sebastian Worthington,” she blurts out.
“As in, the owner of Passion? Cooper’s friend, Sebastian Worthington?” My eyes practically bug out of my head and my jaw goes slack with shock.
I’m sure my face is a mirror of hers when I first told her about me and Cooper.
“Yes, and it was amazing. It was supposed to be nothing more than a one time thing, and certainly not more than just amazing s-e-x. And even though I knew we were nothing, it still hurt when I found him in his office with another woman on her knees and his c-o-c-k in her mouth,” she whispers dejectedly and I gasp in surprise at her confession.
“One, fuck him, not literally though, more like go and fuck another guy in the middle of his dance floor.” I wink at her, knowing she probably would. “And two, I’m pretty sure Lizzie doesn’t understand words, let alone swear words, yet, so you can just say it,” I joke, drawing a laugh out of Alex.
Alex left an hour ago and although she tried to give me advice on how to proceed with Cooper, I just can’t damage our parenting relationship. As much as I want him, I can’t put myself in the position of being hurt by him and then having to continue seeing him because we’re raising Lizzie together.
Equally, I won’t keep him from his daughter because that isn’t fair for either of them. There’s nothing I can do about it, I’ll just have to suffer in silence when he inevitably moves on and then try to do the same myself.
It’s just gone nine and I’m curled up on the couch with a Hallmark movie on, waiting for Cooper to come home from his first day back in the office. I guess that’s a perk of being the boss, taking as much time as you like off.
I’m not paying much attention to the movie, instead I’m aimlessly scrolling through social media.
Before I know what I’m doing my figures have opened up the internet browser and I’m typing out Cooper’s name.
I hover over the return key, debating whether to search his name, when Lizzie’s hungry cries sound from the bassinet.
Thank you, baby .
Closing the browser and vowing to never search him, afraid of what I might see, I get up from the couch to feed Lizzie before rocking her back to sleep.
I watch her for a while, her beautiful face animated even in her sleep, before I climb back onto the couch and pull a blanket over myself as my eyes grow heavy.
This day has really taken its toll on me .
I must’ve been asleep for at least an hour when I hear Cooper come through the front door, I can hear him chattering to Lizzie as he carries her off to her crib.
I snuggle down on the couch and go back to sleep, too tired to move to my bed.