Chapter 12
Snow was beginning to fall softly as Esther and Tiffany parked in the church lot on Christmas Eve.
“You’ll give it to him, right?” Tiffany said, before she turned off her SUV. “He’s still your friend.”
A gift bag filled with coffee and a mug covered in images of gears and other mechanical things sat on Esther’s lap. “Just not his best friend,” she muttered. The sting of those words from Friday had still not gone away.
“It makes sense. You know it does,” Tiffany said.
“Yeah, I know.” Of course, it made sense. “Steve should be my best guy friend if I’m really serious about him.” Tiffany had said that very thing several times in the short drive to the church. And yet, Sean’s words from the Waterwheel would not let go of her.
The door locks clicked open when Tiffany turned off the engine, but then, she pushed the lock button again and turned toward Esther.
“You just have to decide if Steve is who you want as your best guy friend and if you’re truly serious about him.
If not, then you need to talk to Fred. And before you say it, there is no law against a girl asking a guy out or letting him know she’d like to take their friendship up a notch.
It doesn’t matter what Mandy says. It’s neither brazen nor unladylike. ”
Tiffany held her gaze until Esther gave a small nod of her head.
It was easy to agree with Tiffany about Mandy.
It was harder to put that agreement into practice.
She had always cared what Mandy thought.
But Tiffany was right. Mandy wasn’t the one who had to live Esther’s life.
That was Esther’s to do. She sighed. Being herself was so hard when it pushed against disappointing the people she cared about.
“Speaking of Mandy,” Tiffany said. “There she is now. We should head in.”
Sure enough, Mandy had just pulled into the spot next to Esther’s side of Tiffany’s vehicle.
There was no more hiding to do. No more time for indecision.
Either this gift bag was a gift for Fred in an on-going tradition, or the last one she’d ever give him and the end of an era.
That had been the conclusion of her discussion with Tiffany as they had driven to church, and it was truly the only outcome that could be.
It wasn’t like she didn’t know that. She did.
It was exactly what she had been thinking.
It was just that Tiffany’s confirmation that her thoughts were right about this gift had Esther wanting to both cry and reach for her phone to call Steve just so she could hear his voice and reassure herself that he and Madison were the correct choice.
“Hey, what’s that?” Mandy pointed at Esther’s gift as she exited her car just after Esther had gotten out of Tiffany’s.
“Fred’s gift. Like always.” Esther fell into step between Tiffany and Mandy as they walked toward the front door of the church.
“Does Steve know you’re giving Fred a gift?” Mandy asked.
“No. But he doesn’t need to know. This is a tradition that Fred and I have held for years, and I bought this for him before I started dating Steve. It seems rather foolish and wasteful to not give it to the person it was purchased for.”
“Whoa. Snappy much?”
“She’s a little bit of a mess over it,” Tiffany answered.
“As she should be. I mean, giving gifts to former best friends that are guys when you’re dating isn’t exactly the best way to inspire trust from the boyfriend.”
Esther stopped walking. “But I bought it before we were dating.” It wasn’t a big deal, was it? Tiffany hadn’t thought so. But maybe Mandy was right. “Maybe I should call Steve and let him know about it before I go in.”
“Isn’t he going to be here tonight?” Mandy asked.
“He’s at his parents’ house in New Brunswick,” Tiffany answered again for Esther.
“Oh, right. I thought he wasn’t going until tomorrow.”
“And have Madison miss opening stockings with her nanny and poppy?” Tiffany asked in a tone that clearly said Mandy should have figured that one out. “What parent wants to drive three hours on Christmas Day with an excited child who is anxious for presents?”
Mandy shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I can see how my thinking wasn’t quite right there. But then, I’m not a parent, so why would I know these things?”
“I’m not a parent either,” Tiffany pointed out.
Mandy waved the comment away. “But you sell houses to people with kids so you’re just more tuned into what they need.”
“And you never see children in the waiting room at the orthodontist office?” Tiffany asked.
“Of course, I see them, but we don’t discuss where the Christmas tree is going to fit in the living room. I get them crayons and tell the parents the password for the Wi-Fi. That’s about as involved as I get. Oh, and we discuss vacations a bit when it comes to scheduling appointments.”
“Well, maybe you should talk to them more, since I know you’d like to be a mom at some point in your life,” Tiffany grumbled.
“Do you mind if I make this call in your car?” Esther asked.
Tiffany sighed. “Fine. Let’s go make a call. Mandy, save us seats.”
“Will do.”
Esther tapped Steve’s name and got back into Tiffany’s car. At least here, she wouldn’t get covered in snow and the wind wouldn’t make it hard to hear.
“Hey,” she said when Steve answered, “I know you said you’d call later, but … um … I just need to tell you something before it happens.”
“Sure, what’s wrong? Let me just duck into the hallway so it’ll be quieter.”
“Oh, nothing’s wrong. It’s just Christmas Eve, and we’re at church.”
“It’s pretty quiet for church,” Steve teased.
Esther laughed. “I’m in Tiffany’s car. I needed to share this before I go in.”
“Okay. Hit me. What’s up?”
“You see, Fred and I have this tradition of exchanging gifts on Christmas Eve. We’ve been doing it since grade four, and I always do my Christmas shopping early. So, I had his gift bought before we started dating.” She let the words tumble out of her at the pace of her anxious heart.
“Okay. And?”
He didn’t sound upset. That was good, right?
“And so, I’m going to give it to him tonight and thought you should know. It’s just a tradition we’ve had.”
He made a humming sound that sounded like he was understanding. “Will this continue?”
Esther blew out a shaky breath. “No, not if we’re still dating or whatever.”
“Whatever sounds good,” Steve said softly, “but you sound sad.”
She dashed a tear from her cheek with her mittened hand. “You know how I don’t like change. It’s hard to see something come to an end. That’s all.”
Again, he made a humming sound. “Wish I was there to hold you and tell you that everything will be fine. Change isn’t always bad.
I know how it can seem that way for kids of divorced parents.
” Here, he sighed. “And you didn’t get to split your time with your dad and your mom like Maddie does, so I guess that might make it harder. ”
He was trying so hard to understand her. Oh, he was a dear man. Such a good father and caring human being. Why was giving up Fred to be with someone as good as Steve so painful? It shouldn’t be. It really shouldn’t be. The issue was clearly with her.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” she admitted. “Maybe I should take your advice and that of Tiffany and go see someone to talk through it all.” She shot a sheepish grin at her friend who nodded.
“It wouldn’t be a bad idea. I took Maddie as soon as the divorce proceedings were started for me and my ex.” He paused. “Was there anything else?”
“No, that’s it. I should let you get back to your family, and I should go make sure I get a seat inside.”
“And I’ll still talk to you later?”
“Yeah, I’d like that.”
“Me, too. So, after I’ve got Maddie in bed and done my Santa duties, I’ll give you a call. But don’t feel like you have to wait up. Maddie can be a little uncooperative on Christmas Eve. I’ll text if that happens.”
“Thanks. Talk to you then.”
“Yep. Talk to you then.”
She pressed end call and just held the phone against her chest.
“So, was it a big deal?” Tiffany asked as she handed her a tissue.
“It didn’t seem like it. But then, again, he sounded like he appreciated my telling him.”
“You should ask him. I know you just laid out part of your feelings there with him, but if he’s the one, you should make sure you know how he feels about things, too.
Maybe what’s a major thing to Mandy is just a Mandy thing and not an everyone in the whole world thing.
” Tiffany laughed lightly and Esther joined her.
“Don’t get me wrong. I love Mandy, but sometimes, she’s wound a little too tightly. ”
“Oh, she’s that for sure.”
“I see a lot of myself in her,” Tiffany admitted softly.
“No. Really?” That didn’t seem possible. Tiffany was so chill and put together.
Tiffany nodded. “I guess it’s true that birds of a feather flock together.”
“But you’re not bossy.” And Mandy was. She very much was.
“I can be. I do like to have my way on things.” She shrugged and then turned to open her car door. “Sometimes life has a way of knocking the bossy out of a person or, at least, dulling the sharp edges,” she said as they both got out of the car.
“What happened?” There had to be a story behind such a statement. There just had to be.
Again, Tiffany shrugged, but this time, she also shook her head.
“Just stuff.” Her lips curled into a smile that seemed forced.
“Let’s go get rid of that gift bag so this can all be behind you.
” She wrapped her arm around Esther’s and began speed-walking toward the front door.
Apparently, Esther was going to face her past and break away towards her future as soon was humanly possible when wearing dress boots and traversing a partially snow-covered parking lot.
Inside the church, Christmas music played over the sound system.
A small group of children in festive clothes were chasing each other around the foyer.
Adults were chatting as they removed their outerwear.
Esther had always loved this service. There was just something about a Christmas Eve service that made her feel like things were, or would be, right in her world.
The Prince of Peace seemed to reign on this night.
But honestly, she wasn’t feeling that cozy, this-is-home feeling this year. At present, she felt like home was something that was far, far away. Perhaps the furthest away it had ever been in her life.
She paused in hanging up her coat. Maybe that was because Steve was far away. Could it be that she was beginning to think of him as home? She twirled that idea in her mind for a moment, and it felt good but… also not quite right either.
God, she whispered in her heart, where is my home?
“There’s my baby girl.”
Esther shook her head. “Dad, when are you going to stop calling me that?” She squeezed him tight.
“Uh, never,” he replied before giving her cheek a kiss. “You’ll always be my baby girl.” His head tipped. “Well, maybe I’ll have to give it up when you have a daughter of your own. Hey, there, Tiffany.”
“Hello, Mr. Adams.”
“You can call me Trent.”
“I know you’ve said that, but I don’t think I can. Sorry. It’s how my parents raised me.”
“They must have been good parents. Will you get to see them over the holidays at all?”
Tiffany nodded. “I’ll video call them.”
“Oh, that’s not the same,” her dad protested. “But, I guess it’s better than nothing, eh?”
“And cheaper and takes a lot less time away from work.”
“Yeah, that work thing can put a damper on a lot of plans. Speaking of which…” He turned toward Esther again. “I’m on call tomorrow. Jake was supposed to do it, but he’s got that awful virus that’s going around. He could barely speak when he called me.”
“I guess we’ll play it by ear.” She was good at that when it came to her dad. He wasn’t known for making and keeping plans very well. Of course, this time, it wasn’t his fault. “If you can make it to my place for dinner, great, and if not, well… we’ll deal with it when or if it happens.”
“But I don’t want you to be alone on Christmas. Maybe the Bennetts wouldn’t mind having you over?”
Esther could feel her eyes growing wide at the suggestion. “No, Dad. I’ll be fine. Besides, I’ve got all the food bought already, and it has to be made. I’m not a little girl anymore. I can fend for myself – even on Christmas.”
Her dad sighed. “I had really hoped to spend the whole day with you this year. Who knows if I’ll ever get to do it again?”
“You’re just on call, Dad. Maybe no heaters will go out tomorrow and everyone will be warm and toasty. And I’ve only started dating Steve.”
Her dad’s head tipped, and his eyes searched her face just like they always had when he was trying to figure out what was going on in her head. “Are you saying that you don’t see this relationship lasting?”
“No, I’m not saying that. I’m saying it’s just started, and I don’t know where it will go. Don’t count your chickens and all that.”
“But you know where you want it to go, right?” He looked genuinely concerned.
She smiled and nodded. Because that was what would put his mind at ease. “I have thoughts about it.” She looked down at her gift bag and wished her thoughts were as clear as she was trying to make her dad believe they were.
Her father wrapped her in one more hug. “You’ll figure it out,” he whispered as if he knew what was in her heart. Perhaps he did. He had spent so many hours listening to her over the years. Perhaps he knew her heart as well or better than she did.
“I hope so, Dad. I really do.”
“No matter how things work out, remember, you’ll always be loved.” He squeezed her once more before letting go. “You better go get that gift to Fred before he starts playing, and tell him Merry Christmas from me just in case I don’t see him later. Merry Christmas, Tiffany.”
“Merry Christmas, Mr. Adams.” Tiffany turned to Esther. “He’s right. You should get that to Fred.”
Esther drew and released a breath. “I know.” It had to be done, and as her father used to say when she was little and had to do something she wasn’t sure she wanted to do: Perhaps an answer would be found in the doing.