Chapter 16
Esther removed her earbuds and finished mopping the kitchen floor in silence.
Well, silence from outside sources that is. Her thoughts could not – would not -- be turned off or tuned out.
Last night’s movie night had turned into an intervention of sorts by her friends – or so it had felt.
Honestly, she was still feeling a bit raw from it today.
It wasn’t easy to have your shortcomings laid out in front of you, along with the ways they would or could affect your life – for the better or worse.
She stood at the door to her kitchen and rested her hands and chin on her mop handle. “How can someone who is trained to guide young children into life not even be able to handle her own life?” She sighed. “How God? How?”
The reply came quickly in the form of a gentle thought. Let Me guide you. Not your friends. Not your heart. Me.
Tears sprang to her eyes just as quickly as her answer had come. That was it. She had relied on others to guide her for most of her life. It was, as Tiffany had said, her way of trying to find approval. The approval that had been ripped away from her when her mom had left.
“What kind of mother leaves her daughter?” she growled at the mop as she put it away.
“Was I not good enough? Or was I just unlovable?” The questions pricked her heart as she finally spoke them aloud.
They were questions she had always asked in secret realm of her thoughts.
Never out loud. “What was wrong with me?”
Oh, she knew her dad adamantly assured her that her mother’s leaving had nothing to do with her.
They had married young – the summer after graduation, while her mom could still fit into a wedding dress without looking pregnant.
They had married for her. Or perhaps it was better to say that her father had married for her.
Her mother had never really wanted to be a mother.
She had aspirations of fame and fortune, while Esther’s dad had only ever wanted to have a family and a good life.
And he had provided her with both. No daughter ever wanted for more love from her father than she had received from her dad.
Sure, he missed things because his work was demanding and his ability to schedule things was weak.
But wow did he love her. Could she have really been loved any more if she had had two parents for her whole life instead of just one? It didn’t seem possible.
She took the vacuum from its charging station.
“Thank you, God, for my dad and how well he has loved me.” She shook her head.
She had been looking at things from the wrong perspective.
“I guess I should have looked at what I had rather than what I thought I was missing. How did I never think to look at it from gratefulness, rather than from a place of hurt and longing?”
No one replied. No thoughts filtered in with a response. But she felt her own words settle into her heart and mind like a soft blanket, comforting and familiar.
It wasn’t too late to shift perspectives now.
There was still time to adjust her outlook and perhaps find the God-answer to her conundrum about what to do about Steve – who was a lovely man who treated her well and had a little girl that she could fill a void for – and Fred – her life-long dearest friend.
Therefore, as she vacuumed, she followed her own advice and started listing her blessings.
Her house, her job, her friends – even Mandy, her church, the worship team…
she paused here. That wasn’t going to be the same without Fred.
This was followed by another thought that seemed to strike her with the swiftness and power of lightning.
“Nothing will be the same without him.” She blinked as she listened to her own words. “Nothing will be the same without him,” she repeated. That was her answer.
She plopped down on her sofa, switched off the vacuum, and finally gave voice to what she had wanted to say to Mandy all those years ago when she had been too afraid of losing her friends.
“I don’t want to date anyone but Fred. I don’t want to live without him or with him as just my friend.
I want more. I don’t want to be separated from him even by a little distance.
I love him. Fully. Completely. Only and always him.
I won’t be okay without him. I can’t replace him with anyone.
Not even a sweet girl who needs a mom.” Tears were falling faster than her thoughts were tumbling from her lips.
But those lips? They were smiling. Joy was bubbling out of her. It was as if the blinds in all the rooms had been ripped from the windows, letting the full force of the sun shine in. It felt right. But was it?
She took a calming breath and raised her eyes toward heaven.
“Lord, I love him. Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me with all my unease since I started dating Steve?
Have I had it wrong all along? Is Steve my way of filling a void?
” She did not want to make a choice as big as this based on her own wisdom.
So, she sat for a while. Waiting. Asking silently for God to stop her from breaking up with Steve if she wasn’t supposed to.
But no answer came. So, she finished the vacuuming. Then, she sent a group text to Rosalie, Mandy, and Tiffany. It was a short message. Just five words: I’m breaking up with Steve.
Oh, hallelujah! Finally. You got this. I’ll be praying for you. Rosalie’s reply was quick in coming. It was followed by a happy face from Tiffany and praying hands from Mandy, who added a single tear emoji – her way of apologizing once again for what happened in high school.
Love you. All of you. Esther replied. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me last night.
Any time. Again, it was Rosalie who replied first. Let us know how it goes.
Esther drew a second calming breath and pressed Steve’s name.
“Hey,” she said when he answered, “did you get Maddie over to Savannah’s okay?” He had texted last night that the girls would be spending the day together.
“Um… sort of. They’re together, but they talked us into going ice skating.”
That explained the noise in the background. “Oh, okay. So, when would be a good time to talk?”
“Hang on a second.”
She heard muffled voices, like he had covered the phone’s mic with his hand so he could discuss something with Savannah’s mom – or at least, that’s what she assumed was going on. She could hear voices – not words, just the hum of talking – and one of them sounded female.
“Okay, I’m heading outside. The girls are good. Savannah’s mom was happy to take care of them while I talk to you.”
“Oh, well… I suppose we can discuss this over the phone.” She had hoped to ask him to meet her for hot chocolate. Breaking up over the phone felt wrong, callous, uncaring. All the things that did not describe her. Ever. “But I’d really rather talk to you in person.”
There was a long pause from the other end of the phone. “This is that conversation,” he said in a flat tone. “This isn’t working out, right?”
Pain gripped Esther’s heart. “I’m sorry.” She hated disappointing people. Even if she knew that doing so was the right thing to do.
Steve blew out a breath. “So am I, but I can’t say I’m surprised. You never were really invested in us as much as I was.” There was a sharpness to his words, and she felt the sting.
“Oh, Steve, I’m so sorry. I really did think we might make a great couple.
I really, really did. You’re such a great guy and a wonderful father to Maddie.
And she’s so sweet. Any woman would be fortunate to part of your life.
And I was. I felt blessed by you. You were so good to me and understanding and supportive.
” A blew out a slow breath. This was so hard.
"But… I honestly couldn’t put my whole heart into us. I thought I was or that I could… but… well… I didn’t understand it myself until Fred told me goodbye on Christmas Day.”
“What do you mean he told you goodbye?” An edge of accusation coloured his voice.
“It’s not like you’re thinking. He and I were only friends.
I wasn’t dating him while I was dating you.
” She knew that cheating had been involved in his marriage breaking up.
“I texted him to thank him for his gift, and he let me know that he was stepping away from me completely because he didn’t want you to worry about him trying to step in between us. ”
“And yet, he is.” Oh, he sounded angry.
“No, he’s not. I am. I’m the problem. I take full responsibility for the pain I am causing you.
” She sniffled because, yes, she was crying again.
“Don’t blame him. Blame me. Trust me. It’s my fault.
I know it is.” And that admission hurt deeply.
How foolish she had been to think she could just tell her heart whom to love or not to love.
How moronic she had been to listen to what others thought above what she knew to be true.
“I just can’t imagine a life without him in it. I’m so, so sorry, Steve.”
“Yeah, well… I guess I should head back into the arena so I can get back to my single dad life.” He sighed. “What am I going to tell Maddie?”
“Do you want me to talk to her?”
“No. She’s not your kid.”
“I know that. But, I… I don’t know… I don’t plan to change how I am around her at school. I love her.”
“Just not me.” His words were resigned.
“Not like you deserve to be loved, no. But I still care about you and your daughter very much. That won’t change.
I’m apparently rather horrible about not caring for people once they snag my heart – no matter if it’s just in a friendly fashion or something more.
Not even if I try to deny it or force it to be something different. ”
“Goodbye, Esther.” The words were soft as a whisper.
“Goodbye, Steve.”
There was a click. Followed by silence. It was done. Over. Esther rubbed her heart. Oh, how it ached on Steve and Maddie’s behalf. And it smarted even more because she knew that she was the source of that pain.
“Please, God, help Steve find a woman who can love him as he deserves and who will be a good stepmom for Maddie.” She sat for some time pressing her phone against her chest and just allowing her heart to feel the sorrow that ending a relationship necessarily brought, while crying out for comfort for the man she had, though her own foolishness, hurt.
Then, she dried her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt and typed: I hurt him, into the group chat and sent it as she went in search of a box of tissues.
But it’s over, she added.
(((hugs))) That was Rosalie’s reply which was echoed by Tiffany and Mandy, and then, followed by, Now, what about Fred?
Esther chuckled at the nudge from Rosalie. I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. I need time to come to grips with having hurt Steve.
Don’t take too long. He’s waited long enough for you to find your own opinion and not be afraid of it.
Ouch. That one from Rosalie hit hard.
And I thought Mandy was the blunt one, followed by a laughing emoji popped into the chat from Tiffany. But seriously, don’t take too long.
Send him that text message you still haven’t deleted, Mandy added.
Sheesh! Hadn’t these three just last night instructed her to think and do for herself?
And here they were trying to tell her what to do.
She shook her head and laughed. They were good friends.
They weren’t trying to live her life for her.
They were just making sure she moved forward with her decision.
They knew there was a real danger that she might take too long making a move.
Thanks. I’ll let you know when *I* decide what *I* am going to do.
Good on ya! Rosalie replied.
100% came from Tiffany.
Send him the text, came from Mandy, followed by, just being true to myself *wink*
Esther sent a heart emoji and then thanked God for her friends, before returning to cleaning and listing her blessings, while she tried to figure out the best way to let Fred know he was her choice and always would be.