Chapter 18
18
Almost two weeks had passed since the cocktail night, and things were awful. All the good things were in place, but everything else was utterly grim. The sperm she’d ordered was sitting in her fridge. When it arrived, it had set her off wailing. She only had a small window of time to use it, but she didn’t feel the urge to do it straight away. So much for the big plan she’d chosen over Tyler. Spermsicle over soulmate. Well done, Fitzpatrick.
He hadn’t given her his notice, Ben hadn’t mentioned London, so she knew he hadn’t told him about it. Her business plan was all done. She was ready for her meeting with the bank. Her planning application was in. She was good, aside from the fact she couldn’t stop crying for longer than five minutes when she was alone in the flat. She was holding it together at work but, whenever she was in a room with Tyler for longer than a minute, she could feel herself falling apart. She kept having to run off and hide in her office so he wouldn’t see her cry. She could feel his eyes on her whenever he was in the same room, and she couldn’t handle it. The worst thing was, Bradley had started calling again. Asking her to meet him. She’d let the calls go to voicemail. He said he needed to talk. Denise had told her that his planning application had been withdrawn. It didn’t change her hating his guts. She had nothing to say to the man. The irony of him calling when all she wanted was Tyler felt like a cruel twist of fate. The second she’d kissed Tyler, Bradley was in her past. She just wished he’d stay there.
After avoiding his calls for a few days, he didn’t let up. When she got a text from him threatening to come to the Slug, she decided to just bite the bullet. It was a quiet night behind the bar. The village hall was having a forties-style tea dance night to raise funds for the church roof, and most of her regulars were down there, tripping the light fantastic. Sharon was standing at the end of the bar with Matt, her construction worker guy who was ‘just a friend with benefits’. From the way they were laughing together, and the way he was looking at her, Amber knew he was anything but. The way he looked at Shazza reminded her of how Tyler had gazed at her that morning when they’d woken up together, and it broke her heart all over again. She needed to do something. She needed to clear the decks, once and for all. Get rid of Bradley for good. Otherwise, she’d just be stuck. Hiding from him, from Tyler. While she couldn’t do anything about one, she could shut the books on the other. If only to avoid staring at the frozen sperm in her fridge and bursting into tears.
‘I’m going out,’ she announced, making Sharon turn and give her an odd look.
‘Where? Now?’
‘Yeah.’ She grabbed her purse, her keys. ‘I won’t be long.’
Sharon shot her a ‘say more’ look. She’d been interrogating her for days, asking what had happened between her and Tyler. Amber had blown her off on the details, just saying that they’d had a fight. Sharon hadn’t been convinced, and she was looking at her as if she wanted to strap her down and perform a polygraph right now. Amber sighed. ‘I’m going to Sloane’s. To see Bradley. He cancelled the bid for the Arms, but he still won’t stop calling.’
Sharon pulled a face. ‘Well, he’s still a dick but at least he dropped out. Go,’ she urged. ‘I’ll cover things here. I’ll have a drink waiting when you get back.’
Amber nodded, opening the drawer where she usually stashed her phone. ‘Crap, my phone’s on charge upstairs.’
Sharon practically bundled her to the door. ‘You don’t need it; I’ve got the bar.’ She passed her the keys to her car. ‘Take my car, you’ll be back before you know it.’ She yanked her in for a hug. ‘I love you, mate. Go tell him off, one last time.’
The car ride over was a blur. She barely registered it, but there she was, locking up the car and striding to the front door.
Closed to the public
Private event
The sign on the door surprised her. Bradley didn’t do private events normally. Maybe he was doing it to impress his precious investors. No matter, it wasn’t anything to do with her.
She pushed through the doors, determination in her steps. The tables were all beautifully set out, Champagne and glasses on each table. People were milling around, laughing as his staff cleared the rest of the tables. In the corner was a table laden with desserts, servers bringing more out. She suddenly wished she’d dressed up a little, feeling more than a little plain in her black slacks and plain white blouse. I’ve never been part of this world. Never desired to be. My heart lives in flannel and chequered trousers. Near the bar, there was a man speaking into a microphone as the crowd came to a stop to listen. She paused, waiting for her moment to ask for Bradley.
‘Good evening, everyone. Now that we’ve all eaten, and before the desserts, I just wanted to say a few words. Ruth, where are you, honey? Come up here!’
Amber, standing behind a couple wearing their best bib and tucker, wasn’t really listening. She couldn’t see Bradley anywhere. A blonde woman stepped forward, heading to the microphone man.
‘Ah, there you are!’
Then, as if summoned by her thoughts, Bradley, dressed in a suit she hadn’t seen before, walked up to the man holding the microphone, and she tuned back in to the noise around her.
‘I must admit, when our Ruthie told me she’d met the one, and was getting married after five months, I was sceptical. But Bradley here has proved himself to be a good man and, with our backing, I know the future is bright. We wish you all the best, for your upcoming restaurant, and for your lives together. If you can raise your glasses please, to bless the happy couple. Bradley and Ruth!’
The room erupted into cheers, and Amber froze. Five months? But that meant… No. He couldn’t have. Five months?
She watched as Bradley put his arms around the blonde, as she reached up to cup his face. A glinting ring in her hand.
‘Happy engagement!’ The couple in front of her cheered, and Amber blinked.
‘WHAT?’ she shouted, just as the noise lulled. Bradley’s face whipped to hers, and his whole face dropped to a state of pure panic. Amber’s feet were propelling her forward, her eyes on his. The utter shit! Her whole body felt hot, she was so angry, she could spit venom from here and melt his feckless face off. ‘What the fuck, Bradley? Five months? Are you KIDDING ME!’ She came to a skidding halt in front of him, and every pair of eyes were on them in the room. ‘YOU’RE ENGAGED!’ Her rage simmered and boiled over. He wasn’t just a thief of dreams, or a shitty boyfriend. He was an honest-to-goodness cheating bastard. She could hear the hiss between her ears. ‘YOU WANKER! I WILL KILL YOU!’ She raised her fists, ready to pummel his chest as the last few weeks and months played over in her head. He’d been lying for months, and she had been driving herself crazy. Feeling guilty about Tyler, feeling like she was the problem. Just as her fists were about to connect, she shot up in the air. Something had grabbed her and whirled her around. ‘What— geroff!’ she bellowed, before she was spun in the air and looked straight into Tyler’s eyes.
‘I’m so sorry, Amber,’ he started. ‘Calm down, please. Let’s go.’
‘What? Tyler, what are you doing here?’
‘Sharon told me you were coming,’ he said gruffly, still carrying her to the front doors. She tried to wrench out of his grasp. ‘Amber! Stop wriggling.’
‘He’s engaged! He’s been seeing her this whole time!’ She was yelling again, her rage and anger fuelling her. ‘Put me down!’
He huffed, but did as he was asked. Bradley was right there when she turned around, but Tyler pinned her in place with a thick arm around her waist.
‘You utter bastard,’ she sneered at him. ‘I knew you were a snake, but this? Why didn’t you just tell me? Why did you let me think I was the problem?’
‘I’m sorry.’ Bradley was looking around him now. The whole room behind them was chaos. Ruth was crying, and the man who was obviously her father was being held by two men wearing suits, shouting things at Bradley that would make a navvy blush. ‘Can we go outside?’
‘Go fuck yourself,’ she told him. ‘I was coming to tell you to stop calling me anyway, and I wish I had a lot sooner. I hate you. You’re a first-class arsehole, Sloane.’
‘You said you would tell her,’ Tyler growled at him, his whole body vibrating with anger. ‘I told you to tell her.’
Amber replayed the words and her heart stopped. Tyler’s grip on her was strong, but she pushed him away. ‘You knew? ’
One look in his face and she saw the truth in his expression. He looked so defeated.
‘I went to his place a couple of days after you kicked me out. She was there. I told him he had to tell you.’
‘You knew, and you didn’t tell me?’
‘We weren’t talking, you were avoiding me. I didn’t want to be the one to tell you.’ He sneered at Bradley. ‘I wanted this little shit to grow some balls for once, set you straight without all…’ He waved a broad arm at the room exploding around them. ‘This.’ His eyes dropped to hers. ‘I didn’t want you to hear it on the grapevine. I was trying to protect you. I always want to protect you, Cherry.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Bradley piped up. ‘You thought you might have a chance to play the good guy, finally get into her pants more like. You never know, Williams. She might just slum it with a rebound now.’
Bradley’s nose exploded. He crumpled like a paper bag, screaming, ‘My nose! My nose, you broke my nose!’
It happened so fast, Amber had whiplash. She turned to Tyler, and he was holding his hand. The knuckles were split, but it didn’t look fresh. The blood on them did.
‘Talk to her like that again, I dare you.’
Bradley whimpered, pulling a linen napkin off the table to stem the flow of blood streaming down his face. ‘I’ll sue you for this! You see if I don’t.’
‘Do it,’ Tyler was vibrating with pure, violent rage. ‘You’re nothing, Sloane. You have nothing. You never deserved her, and you know it. Speak to her again, and I’ll rip your head off your shoulders.’
‘Whatever,’ Bradley said, sounding like a nasally little child. ‘You’ll never have her anyway.’
Tyler lunged for him, and Bradley jumped back but he wasn’t fast enough. Tyler kicked his feet out from under him, looming in his face as he grabbed a fistful of his shirt so hard, the buttons popped off. Arms came in to try to drag him off, but he shook them off like water droplets. ‘I warned you,’ he said, his voice dripping with anger.
‘Tyler, stop,’ Amber said, pulling his arm. The second her fingers slid into his, he dropped Bradley and she felt him relax, just a little. His gait was still coiled like a spring, but he stood up straight, coming to her side.
Amber looked down at Bradley, surrounded by people, and shook her head.
‘You’re wrong about that,’ she said. ‘In fact, we already slept together. I was coming to tell you that you’re not half the man he is, on your best day.’
The blonde came up behind Bradley, kneeling down, and Amber met her eye. ‘Do yourself a favour, love: walk away from this man as fast as your legs can carry you. He’s not worth it. Come on, Tyler.’ She jutted her chin out, making herself stand tall. ‘Let’s get out of here.’ She looked around, her face a mask of disdain. ‘This place is a pile of pretentious crap.’
Tyler’s hand on hers, she turned and strode through the doors.
‘I made you some sweet tea.’
Amber took the mug, flopping back on the sofa in her flat. The events of the last few hours had drained her. Tyler had taken Sharon’s keys from her and driven them home in silence. He’d practically carried her upstairs, and she’d heard him talking to Sharon at the bottom of the stairs, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying. He’d come back up straight after, tinkering around in the kitchen. When she glanced at his knuckles, she saw he’d cleaned them up.
‘Those cuts aren’t from tonight,’ she said, monotone .
He sat down across from her in the chair, glancing down at his hands.
‘What happened?’
‘I punched a wall.’ He swallowed. ‘The night I went to Bradley’s and found out.’
She laughed despite herself. ‘Right.’ Her heart wrenched as she thought of the clarity she’d had standing in that restaurant. Right before she’d realised she’d walked straight into Bradley’s engagement party. Stood there like an idiot while her ex addressed the crowds with his investor’s daughter hanging off his arm. Stupid. She should have stuck to her guns twelve months ago, when she’d set eyes on him the first time. She was going mad lately. Her emotions were all over the place, and she should have known better. Now Tyler had punched him out, they’d made a huge scene. The whole town would be talking about it. He should go to London, leave all this behind. Bradley wasn’t above spinning this to his own advantage and now he could use it to slag off Tyler if they went up against each other again. And Tyler had hidden the truth. He knew, and he’d not told her. She got that he was just protecting her, but he’d kept her in the dark. Just like Bradley had. She’d moved from one man who hid things to another. Tyler had hidden how he felt about her for years. She was sick of people hiding things from her. But the one person who always had her back hadn’t trusted her to handle the truth. He’d put her first again, but this time it had backfired. She didn’t want a partner who wrapped her in cotton wool all her life. She had enough of the pitying stares growing up when people thought she wasn’t looking. The girl whose parents had left her to be raised by her grandparents. She didn’t want to be pitied another day. Shielded. And she wouldn’t let Tyler live his life for her either. Right now, her anger at him fuelled her resolve. Pushing him away would be easy if she just focused on that. The way she felt when she’d found out the truth. He’d saved her then too. Come running to her side like a lumberjack warrior. Well, no more. She would do what she should have done in the first place. Before Bradley, before Ty. She would tip up her chin and follow the plan.
‘Sure can pick men, eh? Liars,’ she huffed. ‘Can’t believe I wasted a year on that man. Thought he was Mr Right, when he couldn’t have been more wrong for me.’
Tyler’s voice was thick, tortured. ‘He’s a dick, Amber. He was never right for you, not for a minute. The right man would be proud to help you get your dreams, no matter what they are. Babies, bars.’
‘And you think you’re him, right?’ She could barely look at him. Her body and her head were ripping each other apart. ‘You lied too, Tyler. You kept quiet.’ About everything.
‘I know that, don’t you think I don’t get that? I should have told you. I just… didn’t want it to come from me. I never want to hurt you, Amber. Whether it’s me doing the hurting or not, I can’t bear to see you go through it.’
‘That wasn’t your choice, Tyler. I’m not some damsel.’
‘I know that; you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. But I still wanted to be there, to look after you, like you look after everyone else. Whatever you wanted, I wanted to give it to you. It tore me up watching the pair of you together, him not seeing you for everything you are. I should have hit the slimy git a damn sight sooner than I did, but I fucked up. I’m still here, fighting for you, though. I just need you to see me.’
‘I do see you, Tyler. I see that you want this, but you wanted things for yourself when we first met. I think you need to go get them. Leave me to go for mine.’
‘I can’t watch you have a baby with some man in a jar, Amber. I don’t want that for you. To watch you carry a child, on your own? It would fucking end me. Don’t you see that?’
She knew what he was saying. She’d known a while, if she was honest with herself. He was Tyler, her chef, her best friend. That was the problem. He didn’t see it like she did. After the night they’d spent together, the fear of losing him loomed louder and dominated her thoughts. Wishing that night away was something she should want but, being in his arms, locking eyes with the man she knew so well as he thrust into her, whispering her name as he shuddered around her… it was the stuff of romance books and more. Much more. Bringing a baby into a new relationship was hard, but going into one with a best friend when he knew your baby fever was rampant? The pressure was too much. It would end. Their friends would take sides; they didn’t have the anonymity of the big city. People were close in Yorkshire communities like theirs. People knew everything, right down to the lint in your jean pockets. Bringing a baby into all that was too much pressure, and she was done procrastinating. If he stayed, he’d end up picking up the pieces with her. Enduring the gossip, helping her get the Arms. She knew he’d have even been a dad to her kid, any kid she had. She wanted better for him. She needed to stand on her own two feet. She’d be fine on her own. She’d done it before.
‘It’s not that simple.’ Her voice sounded defeated, even to her own ears.
‘Don’t say that; we can get past this. If you just wait, we can?—’
Amber’s head was already shaking despite her wanting to cross the room and hug him. ‘No, Ty. I always thought we were solid: you, me, Sharon. If she’d found out about Bradley, she would have told me.’
‘I kicked the shit out of him.’
‘Yeah, she’d have done that too.’ Her jaw clenched so tight, speaking was difficult. ‘I’m okay; I don’t need you to put me back together. I was already over him. I only went there in the first place to tell him to stop calling.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘Looks like I know what he was calling about, eh? ’
‘Don’t, Amber. None of that was your fault.’
She shrugged him off. ‘I’m a big girl. Please, just go.’
‘No.’ His refusal was a low, rumbling growl. ‘I’m not leaving you, not like this. Please, let me explain. Properly.’
‘It’s too late for all this—’ she started, but he cut her off.
‘You and I are forever. It’s never too late to fix this. I won’t stop ’til we get back on track. We were so close. I know that night wasn’t planned, but it was the best God-damn night I’ve ever had. I will never regret it. I don’t care how we started, Cherry. I just love that we finally did. I just wish I’d had the balls to say something sooner. I never should have let Bradley get anywhere near you.’
‘Why did you? You’re talking now like you’ve been some kind of lovesick puppy.’
‘I was! God, Amber, you never saw it, did you? All those drunken punters I chased off? The way Bradley and I were with each other after you got together? I’ve wanted you since we first met. I didn’t date because there isn’t a woman in the world that compares to you. I would do anything for you. Anything.’
I know you would. That’s why I’m letting you go. ‘No.’ It came out as cold, harsh. ‘You wouldn’t. If you cared about me that much, you would never have let me walk into that. I am humiliated beyond belief! It’s too late.’
‘I know you’re angry. I get it. I will regret not telling you for the rest of my life, but we can get over this.’ His eyes were bright with unshed tears, and she looked away, blinking her own out of sight. ‘All that matters is us, Amber. The rest can be sorted.’ And he would, she knew. If she let him, she’d make it all better. He’d kill himself to do it. She needed to let him go. She couldn’t let a man like this be shackled to a woman with baby fever who was about to take a shot at a new business. If she let him, he’d make his life hers. It was too much pressure, after everything. She was too used to being the one taking care of others. If she let him in now, he would never leave her side. As much as her heart broke, she wanted him to be happy. To not shed pieces of himself. She thought of him, in London, cooking his creations and maybe meeting a girl who loved him instantly. Who saw him for who he was and didn’t take years to open her damn eyes. She’ll be the luckiest one in the world.
Taking in a shuddery breath, she shut down every emotion telling her to run into his arms and used her words to push him away forever.
‘It’s too late for this. Any of this. You can explain all you like, but you lied, Tyler. I can’t trust you any more, and we’re on different paths. You have a big life to go out there and live. I’m getting what I wanted. It’s done. My plans are happening, and it’s too late to turn back. I made my mind up a few hours ago. So, like I said, Tyler. There’s no point picking at this scab. It’s done.’
‘What do you mean?’ He was moving towards her, until her next words brought him to a shuddering stop.
‘I did it. The donation.’
His brows knitted together. ‘You… inseminated yourself?’
Her eyes flicked towards the kitchen. ‘I did what I should have done a while ago. I put myself and my life first. With a bit of luck, it worked. I’ll have my baby, and the Arms. You need to go to London, and get what you want. You stayed for me, Tyler, and I thank you for that, but I’m good. You can go.’
His jaw locked, and she looked away when the first tear spilled down his cheek. ‘Is that what you really want? To just go through with this, and on your own?’
‘That was the plan.’ And it’s about the only thing that might get you to accept this before I crumble and show you how I feel. What was it they said? If you love something, set it free? ‘You’re free, Tyler. And you’re fired.’
Tyler’s head shake wasn’t rude, but it felt like a slap all the same. Like he was trying to shake her news right out of his head. ‘The fuck I am. Don’t do this, please. Plans change, Amber.’
‘Oh, don’t I know it. Sometimes they change without you knowing. People still manage to get what they want out of life though, somehow.’
‘So take it back. Give us a chance!’ His voice broke, and her eyes snapped to his. He looked so… broken and she hated herself for it. ‘This baby… if it is going to be a baby, doesn’t mean the end of us.’
Amber turned away, unable to look him in the eye a minute longer. Allowing the tears to fall unseen.
‘This baby is mine, not ours. There is no us. I have no room for anything else. I’ll be busy, with that and work.’ She needed him to leave, to propel him away from her. So she dug her heels in, focused on the anger and betrayal she’d felt when she’d realised at the party just how much she’d missed when she was making plans like a blind idiot. ‘When I look at you, I see all the times you looked me in the face and didn’t tell me all the things you wanted to. I don’t want a man who stays silent, hiding behind the truth. You had your chances, Ty, for all of it. You didn’t take them, and now I don’t have any more to give you. All this, now, it doesn’t change a thing for me. I don’t want to hurt you either. We were friends. Maybe someday we can get that back but, at the minute, things are just too raw. I just want you to go. Please.’ She drew a deep breath. ‘I don’t need the stress of all this. Not right now.’
‘Amber…’
‘Leave, Tyler. I have nothing left to say. You don’t work here any more. Call the agency.’ She bit her lip, forcing herself not to break down. ‘I’ll write you a good reference. I owe you that.’
He was silent for so long that she thought he might have left. She waited for some kind of noise, his footsteps, the closing of the door. There was nothing but the ticking of the clock on the wall. It soothed her numbness somehow. The assuring, reliable sound was just about the only thing holding her together as she willed her muscles to work. When she finally turned, the spot where Tyler had stood was empty. She stared at it for what felt like forever, before heading to the bathroom. The second the door closed, she lifted the toilet lid and vomited onto the white porcelain as tears streamed down her face. When she finally felt empty, she leaned against the sink, swilling the taste from her mouth with the cold water. Looking into the mirror, she remembered another one of her grandmother’s old sayings.
Love makes liars of us all.