Forty-One
FORTY-ONE
SEEN
It’s late. We’re at Kick’s apartment, finally alone. As soon as we walked through the door I expected things to be frantic. I expected us to tear at each other’s clothes and scream the walls down. I expected him to take me against the door, neither of us able to make it to his bed. I expected it to be physical and tactile, an unhinged release that’s been building for months.
But Kick, once again, surprises me in the best way.
He wordlessly takes my hand and guides me to his room. He shuts the door and crowds me against the wall, bracketing me in with his arms. He’s close, but purposefully not touching me.
We stay like that for what feels like forever, cocooned in our own tiny world. I can’t do anything but breathe and look at him, this man who pried open the door to my heart.
“I want you to know,” his sandpaper voice is low, just for me, “really know, what this is about for me. I see you, Mari.”
Instinctively, I wait for him to look past me, look through me, for the moment to be about sex and nothing more. The way it’s always been. People have always looked past me for something better.
But my battered heart can’t deny the truth all over his face. His open, unguarded gaze fills me like a long, slow pour. His voice, the way he’s holding me without touching me, it’s almost too much.
“I see you,” he says. “And I want you. I’d give up everything else, the fame, the tour, all of it. You’re what I want. The rest of it only matters if you’re there with me.”
I want to touch him, reach for him, but I can’t break the spell.
“As much as I want you, Mari, I can’t move forward until you believe and understand what this is. Why we’re here.” He’s so close, but still not close enough. “I know you’re scared. I know it’s hard for you to trust your feelings. I know you’ve been hurt. But I’m here, right now, in this moment, because I see you and I know you. Because I love you.”
“Even when?—”
He touches my lips with his finger. “Yes, even then.”
I nod, unable to respond with words, held in by his eyes, the way he’s putting his entire heart on display.
The world could burn down around us and I would stay here, bound by the truth that this man, this wonderful, incredible man, loves me. Me .
I swallow. My body is covered in goosebumps, heat pooling low in my belly. I want him so badly, in every way you can want a person, his body, his mind, his talent, his heart. I want all of it, all the moments that make up who he is and who he’ll be.
He cups my face with his hand. “I want to take things slow.”
“Kick, I?—”
My words are cut off by a searing kiss.
I let go, let him lead. I believe I can trust him.
He’s true to his word about taking things slow. He takes his time undressing me, mapping my skin as he goes. With his lips and tongue and fingertips he learns every surface, every curve. He revels in it, in me, drawing me out of my protective shell with each kiss, each intentional touch. Kick whispers praises across my skin like a gift, showers me in awe, telling me over and over how incredible I am, how beautiful, how good I feel under his hands .
He’s kissing the curve of my waist when I grab at his shirt, pull him to stand and tug at his pants, urging him to shed every layer still left between us. Naked, he presses me into the wall and my body sings with desire.
“Kick.”
I can’t say anything else. My thoughts are wordless pictures of him, this, every moment we’ve shared.
He kisses my lips as he picks me up and carries me to his bed. In between kisses, his touch urgent and perfect, he keeps up his praise.
“You are the most incredible person I’ve ever met.”
“I can’t believe you’re mine.”
“I’m going to love you forever.”
It leaves me raw, like an exposed nerve. I’m not sure how to respond, how to allow myself to be taken so entirely, so sweetly and with so much reverence.
We hold each other, our bodies intertwined. When he enters me, I cling to him and will myself to stay present, to be in the moment, saying yes over and over. We ride it out together, hands clasped, eyes open, coming together and coming apart.
The whole night is one long intro to a song we haven’t written yet. Sex with Kick is like singing with Kick. We watch each other, move together, give and take in a practiced rhythm. It’s surprising and fun and good, so good, my legs wrapped around him, his hands in my hair, our eyes on each other as we fall deeper and deeper into the all-encompassing, heart-changing love we’ve made.
It’s early, still dark, but I’m awake. Kick’s a breath away. He’s sleeping on his side, hands tucked under his pillow, lips parted in a dreamy expression. I can’t believe I’m here, next to this man, in his bed. I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed, so at peace. Since the start of the tour my mind’s been a spinning carousel of self-doubt and worry and the need to keep everything under control by myself. But being here with Kick in the sleepy pre-dawn settles the chaos, blurs the worry. Being here with Kick eases the longing that’s hummed beneath my skin for as long as I can remember.
I slip out of the bed and pad lightly to the bathroom. When I catch my reflection in the mirror, the night flashes through my mind, sending me spinning all over again. I’ve never experienced this kind of connection, this kind of completion. I’ve never been so full, so loved, so wildly happy. I might need to tie a weighted rope around my ankle so I don’t float away.
As I’m walking back to Kick’s bed, his eyes open and land on me.
“Stop right there.”
I stop, standing naked in a beam of moonlight shining through the window. I resist the urge to cover myself and let him look, let him linger.
Kick’s voice is gravelly from sleep when he says, “You are so unbelievably beautiful.”
I squeeze my hands into fists at my sides and look up and away. His words, the choked emotion in his voice, crack something open inside my chest. A warmth spreads through my center and out to my arms and legs, down to my fingers and toes. Even after everything we’ve shared over the last few hours, his words make me ache for him.
“Come here,” he says.
I climb into his bed, into Kick’s waiting embrace, into a place so new that already feels like home.