Forty-Five
FORTY-FIVE
THE TRUTH
Kick and Cass are leaning against the cinderblock wall backstage watching me pace the floor. When Sparrow started playing the last song in their set, my skin pulled tight and my heart tried to abandon ship. I can’t stop pacing, each step leading to another question, another worry, another twist I know is coming but can’t see.
Nic finds us and asks us to follow him right as my mother shows back up.
“We have the meet-and-greet,” Emily says, chasing after us.
“It’ll have to wait,” Cass says.
“You can’t just abandon?—”
Nic cuts her off with a wide sweep of his hand right in front of her face. “Not now.”
We walk half-way around the backstage concourse, on the opposite side of the dressing rooms and catering, to a furnished, windowless room full of brown leather couches and low lighting.
“Deacon and Don asked y’all to wait here,” Nic says.
The three couches are arranged in a u-shape. Kick and I sit next to each other on one, my mother and Cass across from us. My mother’s eyes stay focused on the floor, which gives me a moment to really look at her. She looks older, tired, small lines have popped up around her eyes and her mouth is drawn down into a frown.
Cass raises her eyebrows at me, asking if I’m okay as Kick takes my hand in his. We’re all bracing for whatever shitstorm is about to hit.
“I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, Penny.” My mother’s voice has lost all its power. She’s threading her fingers together in and out, in and out. “But I do love you.”
“You love me, you just don’t believe in my music and have been lying to me about who my father is my entire life. All this time you made me believe he was dead when I could have had a relationship with him. How could you do that to me?”
Deacon and Don come into the room before she can respond. They sit next to each other on the third couch in the middle.
Deacon raises his hands in the air and lets them fall. “Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?”
My mother starts talking, pain etched in every part of her face. “Penny is my daughter. She was born after John left the band. When he found out about…us…that’s why he left, “she waves a hand in my direction, “because I was pregnant. I never told you because after everything that happened, it was too painful.”
The room spins. Deacon’s my father? Not Don? Deacon?
Deacon stares at the ceiling, a million emotions passing over his face. When he looks back at my mother, there’s a hardness in his eyes I’ve never seen on him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You said you wanted to focus on your music, that there wasn’t room in your life for ‘all of that.’ For me.”
“But how did…” Deacon’s voice trails off but we all know what he’s trying to say. How did I get on this tour. How did the daughter he’s never known about end up the opener of his show. “Did you send her here to ambush me? Is that it?”
“I had no idea she was on the tour until T.O. called and told me he’d just shot my daughter for the Sparrow tour. I was just as surprised as you.”
“I’ve kept up with her,” Don says, quietly. “With them.”
“Wait.” Deacon’s hand closes into a fist in his lap. “You knew?”
“Look at her, Deacon. You really think she’s John Lovejoy’s kid?”
Everyone in the room stares at me, looking for Deacon in the lines of my face, the set of my shoulders, how I’m so much taller than my mother or Polly.
“I invited her to audition for the tour,” Don says. “And I asked Cheddar and Emily to make sure she won.”
“Why?” I ask.
It’s the question that’s been nagging at me more than anything else. If he knew who I was, if he made sure I got on the tour, why stay so distant? Why not say something? Get to know me?
“I knew Candy had never told you the truth about your father,” Don says. “And I thought…” Don looks at Deacon, desperate. “I thought you’d see something of yourself in her. I thought you’d want to be in her life.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make,” Deacon bites back. “I don’t want this.” He looks at me, heartless. “She’s not my responsibility.”
My heart plummets.
In all the time I’ve spent thinking about this moment, I never considered my real father wouldn’t want to know me.
I look at my mother and there are tears streaming down her face. It’s clear now why she never told me. She saw this coming. She knew Deacon would do this. She was trying to protect me.
“So, you’re an asshole,” I say to Deacon.
He jerks his head in my direction. “Watch your tone, honey. This is still my tour.”
“She’s your daughter, Deacon,” my mother says, pleading.
“Look, Candy, we had some fun a long time ago. That was it. How can you even be sure she’s mine. If I remember right, there are more people you should consider than just me.”
“You son of a bitch,” she says.
“What? You want me to play daddy now? Want us to be a happy family? You had that with John and threw it away.” He throws a hand out in my direction. “Besides, she’s an adult. She doesn’t need a father.”
“Not one like you anyway,” Cass says.
Deacon glares at her but Cass doesn’t back down.
All Deacon’s charm vanishes like smoke in the wind. I used to think he was this huge persona, someone to idolize, someone to aspire to. Now I can see him for who he really is—a narcissist who can’t see past himself.
“I idolized you my whole life as the frontman of Sparrow,” I say, “this mythical band I’d heard so much about but never got to know. And…I idolized John Lovejoy, the man I believed was my father. I thought if I could just meet him, the man who inspired me to become a songwriter, my life would make more sense, that things would fall into place. It’s the whole reason I came to Nashville, chasing John Lovejoy’s ghost.”
“John was a good man,” Don says which earns an eyeroll from Deacon.
“I have his old songwriting journal,” I say to Don. “That’s where I found that song you and John started.”
“I love what you did with it,” Don says.
“Can we get back to the conversation at hand,” Deacon says. “I have places to be.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, “are we interrupting your plans to meet the next young woman you plan to use and throw away like you did my mother?”
“Don’t you see the gift you’ve been given?” Kick says. “This woman, your daughter, is unmatched. I wouldn’t be here, couldn’t be here, without her encouragement and strength. She’s so talented and inspiring and?—”
“Not my responsibility,” Deacon interrupts .
“It’s not about responsibility,” Kick argues. “It’s about knowing this beautiful person who is a part of you.”
“A sperm deposit during a meaningless fuck doesn’t make anyone part of my life.”
My mother gasps. We all do.
The room falls silent. Deacon is a man caught. He’s avoiding everyone’s eyes knowing there’s nothing he can say or do. The veil has been lifted for all of us.
“I’m glad I came on this tour,” I say. “I’m glad I learned who you really are. A small, selfish man who used my mother and destroyed my family without a hint of remorse. And thank you, honestly. Your gross behavior in this room has shown me who and what truly matters in my life.” I look at Kick, his hand still holding mine so tight. “It’s shown me how to recognize the people who truly love me.” I stand up, ready for this conversation to be over. Kick stands with me. “I hope all your success was worth the people you trampled on to get it.”
“You can’t talk to me like that.”
“Why not? Because you’re my father? Because you’re ‘Deacon Sparrow?’”
He goes silent, furious. His whole career’s built around everyone believing he’s the charmer, the good-time guy, the artist with the enviable life, the rockstar everyone desires. He doesn’t like being exposed as anything other than the man every other man wants to be.
“Penny, I’m sorry,” my mother says. It’s a loaded statement.
Don clears his throat. “I’m sorry too.”
“Can we go?” I say, looking between Kick and Cass. “I’m done here.”
Kick and Cass follow me out into the hallway.
He grabs me by the shoulders as soon as we’re out the door. “If I wasn’t already in love with you that would have sealed the deal.”
“You just handed Deacon Sparrow his ass on a platter,” Cass says .
I stare at them both, my breath catching in my throat. My heart’s beating too fast. “I can’t…I can’t breathe. I think I’m in shock. Is this shock? Am I in shock?”
Kick pulls me into his arms. “It’s a lot to take in, but you stood up for yourself and told the truth. You were incredible.” When I don’t say anything he pulls away to look at me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Or, I will be. I think? I’m…I’m proud of myself.”
“I know that’s right,” Cass declares.
We all three smash into a group hug when someone tugs on my arm.
“Oh, thank God. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” It’s Harper from Deegan Records. “Just wanted to say again how much I enjoyed your show. I know you’re being pulled in a million directions right now, but I’d love to set up a meeting soon. I’d be happy to come out to a show.”
The whiplash of the conversation with Deacon and Don and what Harper’s saying has me spinning. I can’t focus on one for worrying about the other.
“Absolutely,” Cass says, pulling out her phone. “Let me give you my number and we’ll get something set up.”
Harper and Cass exchange numbers, Harper noticing my hand linked with Kick’s.
“I’ll be in touch,” she says before waving good-bye and heading down the concourse.
We make our way down the hall and run into Jasmine, who halts to a stop when she sees me.
“I didn’t know Candy was coming,” she says, apologizing. “I would have given you a heads up.”
“Did you know Deacon’s my real father?”
Her shoulders shoot up as she inhales. She hisses out a breath as she lowers them in one long, fluid movement. “I suspected, but I didn’t know for sure. Your father, John I mean, he took the affair really hard. Left the band. He loved your mom so much.” She puts her hands on my shoulders. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t think it was my place to do so.” I nod, letting her know I get it. And I do. “I’m here if you need to talk,” she says. “About anything. Any time.”
“Thanks, Jasmine.”
She hugs me and squeezes Kick’s hand. “You take care of this one. She’s special.”
He puts his arm around me, holding tight. “We take care of each other.”
“Yes, I can see that,” she says. “And listen, I know this might not be the moment, but there’s a line of people waiting to meet you up on the main concourse. I can turn them away if you’re not up for it tonight.”
I probably shouldn’t be up for it, should probably take some time to process everything that’s happened tonight. But, the fans are waiting.
“Of course we’re up for it,” I say, waving my arms through the air. “We’re Kick Raines and Mari Gold, the biggest new artist of the summer. We played our hearts out tonight and now we have fans to meet. Let’s do it.”
“I am so hot for you right now,” Kick says.
“Honestly,” Cass says, “me too.”