February 14th, 2009
JerryAnn
As I sit on Dad’s couch watching Better Off Dead, John Cusack may be on the screen, but it’s Toby I see, and he’s wearing the trench coat he wore on the first day we met when I stole his donuts.
I peer over at Dad, who is sitting in his recliner, his hand is on Natalie’s. She’s sitting upright, uncomfortable, stiff. Dad’s awake. He’s stayed awake through an entire romantic comedy. This is bad. He’s going to propose, again, and Natalie will say no, again, and Cate and I will have to steer clear of both of them for a good week while they mope. Again.
Cate flings a popcorn kernel into Natalie’s hair, then smiles and holds up nine fingers—the number of popcorn pieces in her Mom’s hair. Not even Cate’s antics cheer me up because Dad is about to make a fool of himself. Also, I know what’s coming in the movie—a kiss, and my kiss with Toby pushes to the forefront. Yes, my kiss, because I was the only one participating in the most amazing, intimate, life-changing, earth-shattering kiss of my life. Toby doesn’t want to see me again, and he never kissed me back.
The movie ends. Cate jumps up and faces her Mom. “Let’s go, I’ve got homework.”
Our plan is to get Natalie out of Dad’s townhouse as soon as possible. No proposal means no rejection, and no rejection means happy Dad and happy Natalie, and happy Dad and Natalie means Cate and I don’t have to walk on eggshells.
Within seconds, I’m at the door. Cate’s slower. She’s watching her mom stand, probably to see how many popcorn kernels stay lodged in her mom’s hair. Cate holds six fingers up and nods as if she’s achieved a level of greatness.
Dad stands and clears his throat. “Wait.”
Natalie turns from her place by the couch, faces Dad, and we’re too late. I don’t want to see this. I face the door, put my hand on the handle, and turn it.
Dad says, “Cate, wait.”
I drop my hand and face them, but it’s not the scene I’d expected. Dad is down on one knee in front of Cate, whose eyes are saucer-wide, and she faces me, bug-eyed. I shrug.
Cate steps backward and lets out an “Eww,” but she doesn’t turn away from Dad. She’s curious. I’m curious. Natalie’s curious.
Dad clears his throat. “Cate.” His hands are shaking, and his face is red. “Will you be JerryAnn’s sister?”
Cate’s eyes narrow. “I know what you’re doing. I’m not an idiot. I want to be JerryAnn’s sister, but that’s not what you’re asking, is it?”
Dad clears his throat again. He grabs a jewelry box out of his front jeans pocket and opens it. “Cate, I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you, but you’re too smart, too quick for me, and I can’t seem to have a conversation with you that doesn’t end in an argument.”
Cate reaches for the jewelry but then puts her hands on her hips. “My ears aren’t pierced.” She steps closer to Dad.
“I know. I thought you and Jerry could get your ears pierced together since I never did all that girly stuff with her.”
Cate shrugs. This isn’t going well. Cate won’t let anyone touch her. Does she want someone shoving a needle through her earlobe? Dad glances at me, but I’m not sure what he wants me to do. I put my hands up and raise my shoulders.
Dad’s eyes are back on Cate. “Look, Cate, I love your Mom. I know you don’t want a dad, and I know you don’t like me, and you think I’m not good enough for your mom, and you’re right. I’m not good enough for your Mom—or you—but I love her.”
Natalie’s hands are on her cheeks. She’s crying. I turn to Dad, and my mouth falls open.
Dad’s crying.
His tears are big like he is. One from each eye, but…Dad doesn’t cry. He didn’t cry. Men don’t cry except in movies and books—or if they’re Toby. Then a stream of tears falls down his cheeks and his hand swipes across his face and he’s crying and my world shifts. My dad has emotions?
“Look.” His voice cracks, and he clears his throat, and the tears disappear. He’s back to being tough. “Cate, I love you, too. I do. I’m just not good at showing it, and I hate talking about it.” A few beats of silence pass. Dad’s gaze is pleading. “I will never hurt either of you. I’ll probably hurt your feelings because I’m an idiot, but I’ll never harm you or even touch you if you don’t want to be touched.”
Natalie wipes her nose on her sleeve, and full-blown tears gush from her eyes.
Dad’s eyes are wet. “Could you please let me marry your mom and be your stepdad? I can’t live without either of you.”
Cate lets out a forced throaty laugh and then addresses her mom. “You were rejecting him because of me? You’re adults. If you want to get married, get married. James, I’m grateful for your consideration, but the decision is between the two of you.”
Expecting Dad to take the easy route, I wait for him to stand, walk to Natalie, put a ring on her finger, and call it a win, but he doesn’t take his eyes from Cate. “No, the decision isn’t between your mom and me anymore. I’m asking you. Can I be your stepdad?” Pause. “Please.”
Cate faces me. She wants me to answer for her, but I give her a half-smile as Dad leans closer to Cate and he whispers, “Jerry will be your sister.”
Cate grabs the earrings from Dad’s hands. “Now you just sound pathetic.” She turns and walks toward me. “Fine, you can marry my mom.”
Dad jumps up, grabs Natalie in his arms, and swings her around the room, knocking over a lamp while she laughs.
“Gross,” Cate says, but we’re entranced, smiling.
Dad sets Natalie down, claps, and rubs his hands together before turning to the fridge. “Perfect. I’ve been saving your favorite ice cream for this.” He’s at the freezer in a few strides, but I know what he’ll find…a nearly empty carton. “What the…?” He says when he opens it.
“Uh, sorry, Dad.” It had been sitting in the freezer for months, uneaten, and now I know why. “Really good ice cream.” I give Natalie a thumbs up. It was raspberry cheesecake, and I dipped into it every time I was at Dad’s thinking about Toby.
Dad looks happy and miffed at the same time. “Jerry, that’s Natalie’s favorite ice cream, and since when do you eat ice cream?” He’s not so mad about the ice cream being gone but he’s definitely mad at me. He’s been dropping not-so-subtle hints about my not recovering like I should, not exercising like I should, not eating like I should, and he’s right about all of it.
Cate’s at the door with me, so I open it. “We’ll go grab some ice cream and bring it back.” Cate and I head for my car in silence. Mathilda needed a new battery, so she’s back to working now.
Will I ever get in my car without thinking of Toby?
“So.” Cate’s happy, trying not to smile, but her face is lit up. “Your Dad was pretty pathetic.”
“Yeah.” But it wasn’t pathetic. It was sweet and so unlike him. I’m afraid Cate’s going to mention his crying, but I don’t want to talk about it, not so much because I’m embarrassed by it, but because I thought he couldn’t cry, like me, and I’m jealous. I glance over at Cate in the passenger seat. “Pretty cheap that he used me as incentive.”
Cate’s eyes meet mine, and there’s a wariness in them.
“But I’m glad he did, and I’m glad you said yes.” Pause. Some of the wariness dissipates. “Sister.”
Cate smiles and then studies her earrings for the rest of the drive—they’re simple pearls. In the parking lot, she puts her earrings in her pocket, and we head inside the grocery store. I make a beeline for the freezer department.
“Wait.” Cate stops just past the registers. “I need a poster board for school.”
“Okay, meet you at the ice cream.” The frozen dessert section and I have gotten close recently, so there’s no hesitation, until a woman in a purple dress and purple heels stands directly in front of the door I want to open. It’s Rose, with her long hair, high heels, and rose perfume. She’s wearing a cocktail dress that hugs her curves. I have less curves than a telephone pole. I’m wearing a pair of old tear-away pants missing a button at the calf and an orange t-shirt advertising a sports drink on the back. I don’t know what I was thinking wearing flip-flops in February, and I haven’t looked at my hair since I put it in a ponytail this morning. Rose hasn’t seen me. I pivot, and my flip-flops squeak.
“Jerry?” The only thing that could make this worse is if Toby were with her. “Hi, it’s me, Rose, it’s good to see you.”
“Hi, Rose.” It’s terrible to see her. If I could have temporary blindness, I’d ask for it. Rose’s makeup is perfect, her hair could be on the cover of a fashion magazine, and she smells good. I smell like greasy popcorn. Was Cate tossing popcorn into my hair too? I reach up to my head and rub a hand through my hair feeling for kernels, then the other hand joins in, and I’m self-consciously rubbing my pony-tailed head with my hands, freeing a lock of hair from my hairband. I let out a gush of air from my upturned bottom lip to blow the hair out of my eye.
Rose’s eyes narrow. She points across the store with her thumb. “Toby is in the produce department picking peppers. He’s particular about his peppers.”
No! Toby is here. In the store. Picking peppers. “Perhaps he’s with Peter Piper picking a peck of pickled peppers.” I have to get my ice cream and get out of here before I look or sound any more pathetic.
Rose tilts her head to one side, pulls her head back and says, “Are you okay?” She places her left hand on my arm. I flinch, my eyes falling to her hand, and I blink no less than ten times while I process. On Rose’s left hand rests an engagement ring, one large diamond in the center and two smaller ones on each side.
Rose is engaged? To Toby? My Toby?
I move my arm out of her grip and open the freezer door. “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m perfect.” So perfect, everything’s perfect. There’s an empty spot where raspberry cheesecake should be, but that’s perfect. I grab a quart of strawberry cheesecake ice cream and run for the front of the store. I’d leave now, but I have to wait for Cate. I hide out behind a cereal display until Cate reappears.
Toby and Cate walk down the aisle toward the ice cream together, and a weird little sigh escapes my throat. Toby looks good, really good, but different without the mustache. I liked the mustache. He’s lost weight, and next to Cate, he looks tall. He holds a clear plastic bag of peppers, none of which appear to be pickled, and Cate is carrying a white poster board. Rose points to the front of the store, in my general direction. I hunch lower, and Cate waves goodbye to Toby as she walks toward me.
I jump out of the display when Cate’s close. She gasps, but I hand her $10 and tell her to buy everything and meet me in the car. Cate doesn’t question me, and I love her for it. Five minutes later, Cate’s in the front seat of my running car, and I peel out before Toby and Rose exit.
“So.” Cate’s eyes twinkle. “What was that?”
“Toby and Rose are engaged.” It’s the sentence running laps in my mind. It’s perfect. They’re perfect.
“Yeah, I know. Se?or Delgado wrote ‘Marry Me’ in twinkle lights all over the back wall of Miss Rose’s room, and they’re still hanging up.” Cate’s staring, studying me, and I don’t like it.
“And you didn’t bother to tell me?” The light turns red, and I face Cate.
“I thought you already knew and didn’t care.” She shrugs.
Didn’t care? I want the light to turn green so I can get to Dad’s and end the conversation.
Cate’s lip turns up in a smile. “But you do care. You care a lot.” Cate’s head is nodding. “That’s why you’ve been so lame lately.”
She's right. I have been lame. When I'm not eating Dad's ice cream, I'm sitting in my apartment, alone, leaning back in my recliner where I sniff Toby's cologne off of my lucky shirt and remember his laugh, his smile, his eyes, and how much lighter and happier I was when he was around.
The light turns green, and Cate pulls her legs up on the seat, still facing me, but with a glimmer in her eyes. “You love Toby!” Long pause. “You have to tell him how you feel before he gets married to Rose, who gives out C’s for perfectly beautiful cookies.” Pause. “I think he has—or at least had—feelings for you.” She gasps. “You should kiss him. It’s not too late.”
She’s seen too many romantic comedies. Maybe we both have. “I did kiss him.”
Cate gasps and stops breathing. I haven’t told anyone about the kiss, not because it was humiliating—and yes, it was humiliating—but because it’s a treasure I don’t want to share. “He wrote me a text that said he loved me the day after Christmas. I went to see him and he didn’t remember sending the text at all, but I kissed him anyway.”
We’re almost at Dad’s. “Well?” She knows the conversation is over once I’m out of the car. “Was it a good kiss?”
I park, but don’t open the door and walk away, even though I want to. I face Cate. “For me, it was the best kiss of my life, but right after, he said he never wanted to see me again and that he and Rose were serious.”
“Whoa, low.” She’s silent, thinking, but then she looks up at me. “I misjudged him. I thought he was a good guy.”
Forgetting myself, I reach for Cate’s shoulder, but she pulls away, and I let my hand fall. “He is. He’s all the good things. But I don’t get the happy ending, the true love’s kiss. All this time, I thought I hadn’t found the right guy, but it’s me who’s the problem. I’m not like the girls in romance novels.” Cate’s eyes are wide, and I know she’s listening and I should probably keep my mouth shut, but Cate needs the truth. “Those girls are vulnerable. They have feelings. They cry, but I’m not like that. I’m not emotional. I’m a robot. I don’t feel anything. I don’t cry, and I don’t get the good guy, and that’s okay because I’m tough, and I can handle it.”
Cate’s head drops, and her shoulders slump. “Yeah. We don’t have feelings.” I grab the ice cream out from the floor in front of Cate’s seat. She doesn’t move, just peers out the window and says, “We’ll never look like idiots, crying like your dad over a proposal. People don’t hurt us.” I half-smile and nod as she faces me, but Dad didn’t look like an idiot, and we both know it.