Chapter Fifteen
Alone in the bathroom, Mei closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. The soothing scent of eucalyptus, mint, and pine filled her lungs. There was just one person standing between her and that bath.
She clicked on her latest text from Joey.
I’m glad you’re safe, but you really couldn’t make it home?
Guilt gnawed at Mei, picturing Joey alone in their apartment, even as she typed the truth.
No. All the buses went to local hotels.
Joey replied a minute later.
Okay, my baby. I just hate that you’re with Le Prof and not me. This sucks.
Mei drew a breath.
I know. But we’ll be together in two days, or tomorrow, if your test gets canceled. I’ll talk to you in a bit. My phone’s about to die. Love you.
She zipped her phone into her bag. Then she peeled off her wet clothing and stepped into the bath. The hot water enveloped her like a hug. A blissful “Ahhhhh” escaped her throat.
She slid her shoulders under the bubbles.
She could get used to this. Had anyone ever taken care of her the way Alexandre did today?
She’d always been proud of her self-sufficiency.
Now a sinking feeling filled Mei’s stomach.
Had she asked too little of her past boyfriends?
And Joey? Sure, Joey happily complied with everything she asked of him.
But when was the last time he’d cleaned the apartment on his own? Or picked up groceries?
Mei bit her lip. Everything with Joey was a team affair—folding the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, going to the store to buy oatmeal.
She’d always relished their closeness: Couples who did everything together were enviable.
Or so she used to believe. Now their inseparability was starting to feel stifling. Unhealthy. A little codependent.
Mei swirled her hand in the bubbles. The fragrant salts brought her back to the present. The eucalyptus was a healing balm, and the mint cleared her head. The undercurrent of pine sharpened her senses. Alexandre’s scent.
She studied her surroundings. Like the rest of Alexandre’s apartment, the bathroom was small and a bit dated, with seventies-style beige tiles.
But it was cozy and spotless in a homey way.
Forest-green towels hung on a rack. A smooth piece of driftwood adorned one shelf.
Next to it sat a print of Grand Teton, the fir trees and mountain peaks dramatic against the blue sky.
How was Alexandre still single? He was so kind and thoughtful.
And hot. Mei’s cheeks turned pink thinking of Alexandre’s piercing hazel eyes and lean muscles his clothing couldn’t quite conceal.
In just a few short hours, he’d treated her better than anyone she’d ever been with.
Including Joey. The thought bubbled up before she could stop it.
The wind roared, vibrating the walls. Mei submerged herself deeper in the toasty water.
· · ·
Mei emerged from the bathroom restored. She found Alexandre at his desk in the living room, reading on his laptop. A pair of thin metal glasses perched on his nose. Mei smiled. He looked cute in glasses.
A ferocious gust rattled the windows. Alexandre startled and removed the glasses. His face warmed when he spotted her. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve washed away weeks of stress and grime. You may have converted me to baths.”
Alexandre led her to his couch. He’d set the coffee table with silverware, a pitcher of iced tea, and a plate with bread and butter. “Sorry I don’t have a dining table yet.”
He looked so chagrined that Mei chuckled. “I love this setup. When I lived alone, I ate every meal on my couch and coffee table, too.” A little pang hit her as she pictured her tiny Upper West Side studio.
Alexandre carried over a frittata and a salad. He filled her plate, then his.
“This is so good.” Mei inhaled her frittata slice, then cut another. “What were you working on?”
“On my laptop? I wasn’t working. I don’t work on weekends.”
Mei’s eyebrows shot up.
Alexandre laughed. “I know. It’s weird for me, too. But I decided to commit to my new life, which means setting hard boundaries and not working more than forty-five hours a week.”
“Otherwise, you’d just burn out teaching.”
“Exactly. And all of this would be for nothing. I was actually researching things to do around here.”
Alexandre had a new looseness in his shoulders, an ease with which he moved. Mei regarded him with envy. “Did you find anything good?”
“A few scenic hikes nearby, and some restaurants to check out. There’s even a farm that brews their own beer and makes wood-fired pizza in their garden.”
Mei had to stop herself from blurting out, We should go sometime!
The two of them wouldn’t be going anywhere together, unless it was with Ali and Luc.
He’ll probably take dates there. Mei snuck a glance at Alexandre.
Was he dating? He’d get snatched up right away.
Why did she feel like his life was beginning while hers was reaching a very final conclusion?
She forced a smile. “You look really happy.”
Alexandre shrugged. “I’m getting there.”
Mei softened. “I hear you.”
A blast of wind shook the house. She and Alexandre jumped, then laughed at their skittishness. The lights flickered once, then twice. The apartment plunged into darkness.
· · ·
Mei blinked. In the low light, she could just make out Alexandre’s profile. Together, they walked to the window. Not a single light shone through the sheets of rain.
Alexandre checked the kitchen sink. “We’ve got water, at least.” He bent over his camping equipment and unearthed a lantern. A soft glow filled the room.
They settled back on the sofa.
“We were talking so much about me. How’ve you been?” Alexandre’s hazel eyes glowed in the lantern light.
Mei warmed under the weight of his attention. “Want to hear about Livinpalooza?”
“I’m curious, but I’d get it if you wanted to talk about anything but that.”
“No, I have some good stories.” Mei started with the perfect weather and celebratory atmosphere of the first day. She turned somber as she recounted the rest of the event.
Alexandre’s expression went from incredulous to incensed. “I can’t believe those bastards cared more about their IPO than people dying.”
“My job is a disaster, too.” Mei told Alexandre about James and her impossible goals. “Livinpalooza revealed all the ugly parts I ignored, or justified, because I finally had a job I loved. I thought I could fix some of the problems.”
Alexandre looked her in the eye. “What you just described is appalling. You’re one person in a huge company run by a megalomaniac.”
This wasn’t the first time Mei had heard Julian described that way. In the past, she’d disagreed. Now the word felt accurate.
“I assume Julian is surrounded by enablers who will all cash in when you go public.”
Mei recalled the execs as they filed into their SUVs, smug with their special treatment. She nodded.
“I’m sorry, but all those people care about is their big payday. No matter how much you try, you can’t change a toxic work culture. Not when it’s rotten to the core.”
Mei winced. Deep down, she knew he was right. She laughed bitterly. “Great. Just when I thought I’d figured everything out. Work. Life. Love.”
Alexandre was quiet for a moment. “You’re getting married in a few weeks. That’s something, right?”
Mei let out a dry huff. “Sometimes I don’t know about Joey, either.” She clapped a hand over her mouth, but it was too late.
Alexandre’s eyes flickered with surprise. “Do you want to talk about that?”
Now Mei was silent. If Joey still had power, he was probably playing snippets of obscure songs, cursing out loud, and noisily labeling files on his laptop. Mei’s heart brimmed with affection, even as it sank with the realization that she wasn’t looking forward to leaving Alexandre’s place.
“Well, I told you about how Joey helped me rediscover a part of my life I left behind.” Heaviness spread through Mei’s chest. “Now I’m seeing that we built our relationship on our shared past. I haven’t focused enough on who we are now, and who we’ll be in the future.”
“Do you love Joey?”
Mei blinked. “Yes.”
Alexandre looked away.
“I just don’t know if I love him enough, or in the right way, to sustain a lifetime together.” Admitting the truth left her breathless. Why was love so complicated?
Alexandre seemed to be wrestling with whether to say something. “I know how you feel. My last relationship was kind of similar.”
“What happened?”
“My ex, Julie, and I met soon after I moved to Eugene. She had her own business, a secondhand outdoor gear shop.” Alexandre gave her the side-eye. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Wow, that’s so Oregon.’ ”
Mei stifled a giggle. “I’m, uh, totally not.”
Alexandre laughed. “It’s okay. Her shop was very Oregon and she was proud of it. We bonded over our love of the outdoors.”
“That must have been nice.”
“It was. At first. But it kept us from seeing how we had nothing else in common. Julie’s eyes glazed over every time I talked about my research. She nicknamed me ‘Aquaman’ and told everyone I was a ‘zebrafish whisperer’ instead of a research scientist.”
Mei nodded and tried to keep a straight face.
“Julie was also a hardcore extrovert. We lived together for two years and our apartment was always full of people until two in the morning.”
“That’s my worst nightmare. What was your breaking point? Or hers?”
“My thirty-seventh birthday. Every year, I wanted a quiet night in, and every year, she threw me a huge party. She didn’t get that I hate big events that are all about me.”
Mei smiled. “I can relate.”
“Exactly. So for this birthday, Julie took me to my favorite restaurant, just the two of us. It was perfect. Then we got home. I opened the door, and fifty people jumped out and yelled, ‘Surprise!’ ”
“Oh no.”
“They were all wearing T-shirts that said ‘Happy Birthday, Aquaman!’ with my face next to zebrafish in party hats.”
“Yikes.” Mei tried not to snicker.
“It’s kind of funny now,” Alexandre admitted.
“But not at the time. The party went until four a.m. People spilled beer on my laptop and had sex in our bed. At some point during the night, I had an out-of-body experience, looking around and thinking, ‘Is this what you want your life to be like?’ I broke up with her soon after.”
“Do you ever regret it?”
“No.” Alexandre didn’t hesitate. “There’s a specific loneliness that comes from being with the wrong person. Anytime I get down about being single, I remember that. That loneliness never would have gotten better. It was only going to get worse.”
Mei chewed her thumbnail. Alexandre’s words poked at feelings she’d been avoiding for too long.
“I also didn’t want to settle. I want to believe I’m worthy of happiness, even if I’m still working on that.” He chuckled self-consciously. “Sorry if this is getting too deep.”
“No, I get it. Why wouldn’t you be worthy? Because of tenure?”
Alexandre nodded.
“So? You already have an impressive new job. Plus, there’s a lot more to life. You deserve happiness in everything.”
“Thanks. I try to remind myself every day.” He nudged the lantern closer on the table. “What about you?”
Heat rose to Mei’s cheeks. “What about me?”
“Don’t you think you’re worthy of more? Of a job that’s not a treadmill to death? With leaders who respect you? And marrying someone you’re sure about?”
Mei glared at him.
He held her gaze. “I think you’re worthy of more.”
Mei’s heart pounded. Her palms turned clammy. Alexandre’s words were dredging up her worst memory. The reason she left Queens so many years ago. She took a breath, trying to quell the light-headedness threatening to roll in.
Alexandre’s forehead creased with concern. “Are you okay?”
Mei nodded shakily. “I’m going to tell you something no one knows. Not even Ali. So please don’t ever tell her or Luc.”
Alexandre’s eyes widened in surprise. “I won’t. Are you sure you want to tell me?”
“Yes.” Mei couldn’t say why she trusted Alexandre, but she did.
“This goes back to when we were kids. My dad was an alcoholic. He never hit us, but he had a bad temper and would fly into terrifying rages. My mom divorced him when I was ten. My dad wasn’t happy, so his one condition was that Ali and I had to go stay at his place every other day, and every holiday. ”
“Every other day? That’s awful.”
“It was. He didn’t even like spending time with us. His apartment was filthy, and he’d just drink and smoke in front of the TV.”
Alexandre shook his head.
“Ali and I kept each other strong, but after two years, we’d had it.
We decided to ask our dad if we could live with our mom and visit him on weekends.
We planned to ask him after Thanksgiving, when he’d be in a good mood.
Then Ali started panicking. She wanted us to drop it, but I said I’d speak to him alone. Eventually, she gave in.
“One afternoon, a few weeks before Thanksgiving, Ali was at a friend’s house.
I figured I’d get it over with. My dad flipped out.
He got so drunk, he couldn’t stand. He spent hours slamming his fists on the table and yelling about how stupid and selfish Ali and I were.
Finally, he said we could do whatever the fuck we wanted.
That night, he crashed his car into a tree.
He died instantly. Obviously he was wasted. ”
“I’m so sorry you went through that. Ali too.”
“I don’t blame myself now, but I did for years. I never wanted Ali to feel the same. As far as she knows, our dad died before I could speak to him.”
“How did you stop blaming yourself? Therapy?”
“Yeah. In my college psych class, I learned about PTSD. I spent months working up the courage to seek counseling. Over time, I realized I didn’t cause my dad’s death.”
“You didn’t. Not at all.”
“Thanks. I still need to hear that, even today. I dated terrible guys who treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated, and had so-called friends with benefits who only wanted to sleep with me but not date me.”
“Jerks.”
“Yeah.” Mei wrinkled her nose, disgusted at those men and herself. “When I met Joey, everything felt so magical. He’s the only guy who’s ever loved me for being me. In his eyes, I’m smart, talented, and beautiful.”
“You are.”
Mei’s cheeks turned pink. She gave an awkward laugh, then pressed on.
“For the longest time, I couldn’t believe I was lucky enough to find Joey.
Now I’m starting to wonder whether I’m worthy of more.
And if I’m a horrible, selfish person for thinking that.
” Mei’s vision blurred as tears spilled over.
Alexandre got up from the couch. A moment later, he placed a soft tissue in her hands. Mei dabbed her eyes as he pulled her into a hug. He kept his knees between them, but she was close enough to rest her head on his shoulder.
“You’re not selfish for wanting love and happiness,” he said into her ear. “You deserve it all.”