10. Rae
Rae
Ican’t believe what I’m reading. I figured I’d be riding a high from last night. Kissing Grayson for the first time.
Oh my God I kissed Grayson last night.
I was half convinced it was a dream, but it felt too good, too perfect to be a dream. It ended too soon and then he made me go to bed. I wanted him to stay, but he said if he stayed we may cross even more lines.
More lines that I really would like to cross.
If kissing him feels like that, I can only imagine what everything else would feel like.
We compromised and he stayed until I fell asleep. Which happened too quickly, and by the time I woke up he was gone.
My phone was blowing up, and now here I am staring at a million posts about how boring I am. That I’m “too good,” and now that I’m not on tour everyone will forget about me.
I’ll fade into obscurity.
It’s like they took my biggest insecurity, pulled it out, and put it out there for everyone to see.
I wish Grayson stayed even more now because he always knows what to say to me. And I know he would tell me I shouldn’t even pay attention to this stuff. Normally I don’t, but this is everywhere.
Everywhere.
Between this and the small paranoia around the creeper from tour, I want to hide away and not come out.
I’ve tried not to think about the flowers with a note, and the air of uneasiness I felt, but it’s hard to push away completely.
I’m sure it’s just an overexcited fan. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself.
My mom has tried calling me, but I don’t want to problem solve with her right now. Or hear her advice, I’ve heard it before, but everyone is right. I’m not her.
Spencer Sparks was unstoppable. A legend. Perfect.
I’m not, and I never will be.
My phone goes off again, and this time I want to throw it across the room. Then I see a name I didn’t expect to see pop up.
Asher
Hey
Great, now not only is my life crumbling around me, I’m hallucinating as well. Maybe last night really was a dream and that time with Grayson didn’t happen. Neither did this text. Neither did this article.
When I pick up my phone again Asher’s text is still there staring at me. I’m surprised he still has my number, but that’s what I get for not ever changing it. I sigh, replying.
Rae
Wow, never expected to hear from you again, stranger.
Asher
Yeah, you’re actually talking to a ghost.
Rae
That tracks actually.
He ends up telling me he’s back in Denver, and I’m surprised no one knows. Why would he tell me? It’s not like we’ve ever been close, and I’m not about to read into it right now when my mind is already a mess from everything else going on.
People may think this isn’t a big deal, it comes with the territory of being famous. Which it does, to an extent, but it doesn’t make it okay.
Same thing can be said about stalkers.
Now I’m thinking about it again. The bouquet of flowers that showed up in my dressing room in the tour stop in Tampa. At first I thought it was from someone in my family, but after looking at the ominous note I got a chill down my spine and let security know.
You’re singing only for me.
I asked everyone I know if they’re playing a prank on me, but they all denied it. I moved on, but the sense of unease hasn’t completely gone away. Even now, I’m back home and I’m safe, but the feeling lingers.
I refuse to let it consume my life, just like people that feel like talking bad about me makes their lives better. My name gets them clicks and that’s all they care about.
Maybe I am boring.
I’ve always been “good.” I never have any scandals, nothing has ever been said about me being a diva because I’m not. I’m placed on a pedestal that I built. And it’s making me question everything up until this point.
Can I really go the rest of my life like this? One small push could lead to my downfall all because I’ve played it safe and been too “perfect.”
Musicians reimagine themselves all the time. Find new sounds, experiment and change. I chew on my bottom lip while spiraling. And because he must have some sort of sixth sense my phone goes off with a text from Grayson.
Grayson
We’re heading out and I already can’t wait to see you when I get back.
I smile at my screen thinking about my best friend. Is he more now? Oh my God, I cannot add this to my spiral right now. We kissed, and didn’t talk about what that means now. I also don’t want him to worry about me while he’s away because he has games to focus on.
Rae
Play well, I’ll be watching *Wink face emoji*
I cover my face with my hands, falling back onto my pillows. Today I can spiral, figuring out what I’m going to do.
Tomorrow, I get it together.
I did my best to try and get it together. I put my phone on do not disturb and threw myself into my music. For once, I try not to overthink the lyrics I’m writing. I’m not concerning myself if the melody I’m throwing together sounds good. I’m just trying to channel everything into the music.
No one has to hear this, I’m sure no one will. I just need an outlet and it’s turned into something I’ve never created before.
Setting my phone on the piano, I hit record so I can listen back to it.
I’ll probably end up deleting the recording, never to see the light of day, but I don’t let it stop me.
I play the chords, punching at the keys while the lyrics flow from my throat by memory.
It’s raw, real, and unlike anything I’ve released.
At the last note, I play the final chord progression and let the sound from the piano fade naturally before I stop the recording.
I don’t want to listen to it right now, I always need some distance from a song before I listen back to it or else I’ll just rip it apart completely. There’s another text that comes through and I’m shocked to see who it’s from, yet again.
Asher
You could use a night out. With me.
I scoff before replying.
Rae
How would you know what I need?
Asher
Just a guess.
Rae
I don’t really go out.
I twist my mouth to the side because that would be my initial response. That’s what the good, perfect Rae would say because she doesn’t go out. She doesn’t give paparazzi any excuse to see her doing something potentially scandalous.
At least I didn’t used to.
Rae
Actually, that may be exactly what I need.
Asher
You won’t regret it. *wink emoji*
I’m not entirely sure that is true. I think the one thing about this is that I will, in fact, regret it.