21. Dove
DOVE
T he rain didn’t let up.
It pounded against my windows long into the night as I tossed and turned until finally, I sat up, convinced I would get no sleep at all.
All I could see when I closed my eyes was Josh and Stella, his body pinning hers like he had mine against the barn wall, his hand down her pants as he?—
I rubbed my tired eyes until stars burst across my vision.
I’d dodged Stella easily, knowing my way around the farm better than her. Her car left shortly after I’d returned to the house, and I’d heard Josh enter not long after, but he made no attempts to seek me out.
I hadn’t wanted to run into him, so I stayed holed up in my room.
Still, a part of me waited for his knock. For his voice to come through my bedroom door. For his insistence to finish what we started.
When it didn’t come, my disappointment bled into hurt. Time and time again Josh proved to me I wasn’t worth the effort. I wasn’t worth fighting for. My body and heart were restless with a variety of emotions: anger, sadness, hurt, longing .
I wished for past times, easier times.
I wished for my mom.
When the rain let up into a fine mist, the clock reading half past three in the morning, I shoved the blankets off me. I wasn’t going to sleep it seemed, and something deep inside me was urging me to get up.
So, I did.
I threw on a lightweight hoodie to protect myself from the damp chill and slipped on my old Crocs. It wasn’t the most flattering outfit, but I wasn’t planning on impressing anyone.
There was no one else in the house but Josh, and he was asleep.
This hour was perfect time alone with just my thoughts for company.
Years of living down the hall from our parents crafted my stealth, and I crept easily down the hall, avoiding the creaky step on the stairs.
The last thing I wanted was to confront Josh, not when my body felt like a compass, and he was my north—my home.
Before I knew it, I was easing the front door closed behind me and breathing in the fresh, dewy air, treading the gravel lightly, taking care not to make too much noise.
I jumped when a soft meow came through the darkness.
“Omen,” I whispered with a smile. He blinked his eyes at me, two reflecting orbs in the pale moonlight.
He padded companionably beside me as I trekked to the garage and followed behind me as I entered through the side door.
The garage was big enough to house several cars and a couple of smaller tractors, but with Josh’s SUV out front, his old Chevy sequestered out of sight to the barn, and Gareth’s truck gone, it seemed empty and near cavernous.
Except for the farthest bay, where my mom’s white Range Rover sat.
The bright glow of the moon spilling in through the open door was my only light, but I didn’t need it anyway.
The squeak of my wet shoes echoed loudly in the quiet as I made my way over to my mom’s car by memory alone.
I paused just beside the driver’s side. She hadn’t driven it in almost a year.
Not since she got too sick and the only place she frequented other than home was the hospital.
By the time her treatments had started, Gareth had begun driving her everywhere, considering her energy at that point was wiped clear out, even if it hadn’t quite crushed her optimism.
She always believed she’d beat her cancer. We all had.
Maybe she would’ve. That’s something that we’ll never know the answer to now.
The moment I opened the door and inhaled that familiar jasmine air freshener, a ball of emotion lodged itself in my throat. Tears sprung to my eyes, blurring my vision as my grip tightened around the smooth handle in my palm.
I guess you can never really prepare for the unexpected.
Like a random truck veering into your lane and taking you out—cancer be damned.
I all but collapsed into the seat, my arms draping over the wheel in a loose hug as I unleashed everything I’d made sure to keep locked up tight.
Anger, sadness, confusion, hurt, loss, loneliness—each emotion bled out of me in deep, body-wracking sobs.
There was so much I’d repressed since I was told my mom and Gareth were just…
gone. Since Josh had walked through those hospital doors and scooped me up into his arms and held me tight.
He's been an amazing distraction, but it was still there—that gaping hole in my heart in the shape of my mother.
Was this just another nightmare I was trapped in? Could someone’s life really be this cursed? Two parents gone, taken in separate car crashes, and one impossible love for someone who was never going to be the easiest choice.
Who shouldn’t even be a choice.
The grooves my mom’s fingers had worn into the steering wheel bit into my forehead as I rested my forehead against it, a strong wave of sorrow washing over me.
Even if my mother were here, I couldn’t ask for her advice.
Still, it didn’t stop me from wanting her back with such yearning that my heart ached from it.
We’d had our problems since dad had passed, but moving to Haven had helped. We’d grown closer, understood each other better. I desperately needed one of her hugs, with her reassuring voice in my ear right now.
But I’d never hear her voice again or be wrapped up in one of her tight hugs. The cancer had forced my mom to leave her part-time job in the city so she could use that time resting, recovering from treatment, and “being present with her family.” Doctor’s orders.
Now there was no more time and no more family.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Mom.” I sucked in a shaky breath, willing my tears to subside even as the scent of my mother’s favorite flower lingered in my nose, a painful reminder with each inhale. “I’m so screwed up without you.”
I was screwed up long before that.
I jumped as two paws rested on my thigh where the door remained open, and I glanced down to see Omen’s face squinting up at me. His nails came out to knead at my leg, and I scooped him up into my arms, pressing my face to his body, letting him absorb my falling tears.
“What do I do,” I whisper-sobbed into his dark fur. His deep purr vibrated against my face, attempting to comfort me. “I can’t lose anyone else.” My voice was small, the words barely audible. “ I can’t lose him again .”
What were we even doing? It didn’t feel like we were playing at being siblings anymore. Everything between us was charged, tight with tension. One wrong move and?—
What, exactly?
I’d harbored this crush on Josh for so long that having just a taste of him had clouded my judgement.
As if a switch had flipped, resolve settled over me.
As much as I wished for him—craved him, desired him—we couldn’t go down this path. Josh and I were the only family we had left, the only people we had to watch each other’s backs. I couldn’t risk that on something as fickle as lust.
Love , my heart corrected. I ignored it.
Of course, I loved him. I’d spent my most pivotal years growing up with him. I’d always love him, but I couldn’t have him like that.
Not if it risked everything .
I allowed myself a little more time outside to wallow alone in the cover of darkness and messily spill my emotions. Then I wiped my tears, placed a grateful kiss between Omen’s ears—along with some well-deserved pets—and headed back to bed as if I hadn’t just had a complete breakdown.
There was nothing like a good hard cry to chase away the elusiveness of sleep. The moment my head hit the pillow, I was out like a light. So much so that it wasn’t until I heard the chirping of birds, the sun shining into my eyes from the blinds I’d left open, that I realized I’d overslept.
By the time I dressed and made my way downstairs, Josh was nowhere to be seen and the coffee he’d left me in the pot had gone nearly cold. I decided to skip it, my stomach unsettled enough without it.
Outside was a wet, muddy mess. I dodged puddles in the driveway as I made my way over to begin my chores, starting with Omen’s breakfast, late as it was.
To my surprise, I found it had already been dished out, his food half eaten, a dark suspiciously-cat sized lump resting in his bed just inside the shed.
Omen’s eyes opened lazily to observe me before closing again, unbothered by my confusion, fed and sated as he mysteriously was.
So it went as I continued down my mental checklist. Omen had already been taken care of. The chickens were happily clucking away, eggs collected, water filled. When I went to check on the horses, they were already out to pasture with fresh hay, water, and clean stalls. Done, done, done.
When I exited the stable into the mid-morning light, I crossed my arms and scanned the property.
It was odd to not have encountered Josh at all considering everywhere I went everything was already done.
Clearly, he was stalking around, determined to finish everything himself.
I just wanted to know why. I hadn’t slept in that much.
It was still morning, for god’s sake. For most people, the day had barely begun.
He had to be around here somewhere.
As if summoned by the thought, a thud followed by a faint curse came from the direction of the garage.
I narrowed my eyes at it, contemplating turning back around and going back to bed.
Although I’d been looking for him, I didn’t particular want to have this conversation, but with nothing to do, it left me no reason to stall.
I could hear music playing from where the bay doors were open, leaving the air circulate through the large space, and when I peeked inside the sight of Josh leaned over the engine of his old Chevy was surprising.
“You moved it?” The words were out of my mouth before I could think better of it.
Josh jumped, cursing again as his head hit the raised hood with a painful sounding thud.
I winced in sympathy as I took another step inside. “Sorry.”
He rubbed at the back of his head, but the soft smile spreading across his face was more than enough to tell me I was forgiven.