22. Josh #2
“ I’m sorry .” The words came from deep down, an apology I’d wanted to say to her for a long time, and I meant them with every fiber of my being. The years I was gone were awful for me, but I can’t imagine what they did to Dove.
“I didn’t want to make things worse for you and your mom. You know how Gareth?—”
Her hands came up to cradle mine, still cupped around her face, and squeezed once.
“I know exactly how your father treated you, and it’s bullshit, Josh.
He acted like you did something wrong just by being born, but it wasn’t your fault.
Sometimes,” her voice cracked, “Sometimes bad things just happen, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
My mom never blamed me when we lost Dad, even though I was the one who wanted to go berry picking that day.
I pestered him until he finally gave in.
Like he always did when it came to me.” She gazed up at me, tears glistening in her eyes.
“I blame myself more than she ever did.”
She sniffled, and her hands slipped off my hands to encompass my waist and hug me closer. My arms wrapped around her shoulders, holding her close, knowing she needed the comfort.
I needed it, too.
“I blamed myself for you leaving,” she confessed, resting her cheek over my heart.
“I wasn’t sure why you left at first. My memories of that night were so hazy, but once I thought back on everything, it became clearer and I…
I realized it was because of me and what I’d stupidly asked you for.
I blamed you, but deeper than that, I blamed myself. ”
“It wasn’t—” I began to object, but she just talked right over me.
“Losing you nearly wrecked me, Josh. Knowing you walked away...”
The pain in her voice squeezed my heart like a vice. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Dove.”
“You wouldn’t even return my calls.” She sniffled, burrowing her face deeper into my chest. “It was like losing my dad all over again, except this time I had no one to help me out of that dark place.”
How did I explain that I couldn’t talk to her? That if at any moment she asked me to come back, I would have in a heartbeat. Ignoring her calls and texts killed me, but knowing she grew resigned and stopped trying because I ignored them was the nail in the coffin.
“I’m sorry, little dove,” I breathed into her temple. And I was, fuck , I was so, so sorry.
Her hold tightened around me as she silently dampened my shirt. A sharp pain stabbed through my heart, and I realized I owed her so much more than an apology. I owed her so much more than words. I needed to show her , prove to her that I would never leave her in my rearview mirror again.
Slipping out of her ironclad grip was hard, but I did it so I could slide my hands down her arms until they cradled hers.
“I thought I was doing the right thing.” I squeezed her hands in mine.
“I thought I was sparing you from my inappropriate feelings. Now I know I was wrong, that I tortured us both by leaving without so much as a goodbye.” Her watery eyes locked with mine, and I vowed, “I promise you, Dove, I’ll never walk away from you again. ”
My pounding heartbeat was the only sound I heard as silence stretched between us.
Then my heart leapt as she murmured tearfully, “You better not.”
Relieved, I brought her hands up to my mouth to place kisses on her knuckles. There was still plenty of making up I had to do, but maybe we could start off on a better foot now.
“Josh.” The hesitancy in her voice cut through the tenuous hope spreading in my chest like a butcher knife.
“I accept your apology,” she said with a soft smile, although it looked sadder than anything. “But this doesn’t change that our”—she hesitated, as if searching for the right word—“situation isn’t easy, and it’s already cost us so much. Maybe we—maybe we shouldn’t?—”
“Is that what you want?” I cut her off because I didn’t want to hear her say it, swallowing down the real question clogging my throat.
Do you want me ?
“I can’t answer that,” she whispered regretfully.
“It doesn’t matter what I want . Wanting you caused me to lose you.
Realizing that we both want each other now doesn’t change that it’s complicated.
We lost our parents—” Her voice cracked, and her shiny, brown eyes rolled upward to the ceiling, holding back more tears.
Her pain echoed within me. Not so much for the loss of my father, but the loss of her mother.
Josie had been all Dove had left, and despite me being older when Gareth introduced her into my life, she’d been a pseudo-mother for the one I’d never had. I felt her loss keenly, too.
When Dove’s eyes met mine again, they were less glossy, and she forged on, stronger and more composed.
“We lost our parents, Josh. We don’t have anyone left but each other.
I don’t think we should play with fire and risk that, as much as either of us want it.
Being in a relationship would be tricky enough, but what happens when we fight? ”
I couldn’t stop the smirk that curled on my face. “Then you yell at me like you always do and wait until I eventually admit you were right.”
She threw me a disbelieving look. “Be serious. What happens if we break up?”
The smile dropped from my face. What would happen if we broke up?
Would I be okay with letting Dove’s heart go? To let it be free to love someone else? To stand by as she introduced me as her stepbrother, like I hadn’t loved and lost her? Like I hadn’t memorized the very taste of her?
It would kill me, but if Dove was happy? That’s all that mattered to me.
When I got her tragic voicemail and made the decision to come back home, I’d already accepted the fact I’d need to shove my feelings aside so I could have Dove in my life, because not having her in it hurt too much. This was no different.
The reality was… I’d never break up with Dove. She was it for me, but I had to let her have that choice.
“Even if we break up,” I vowed to her, “I’ll always be here for you.”
I dropped her hands so I could curl my fingers through the belt loops of shorts and tug her into my side. Resting my cheek against the top of her head, I breathed in deep, intoxicating myself with the scent of her.
“I love you.” The words just left me, lingering in the air around us. I tensed, not knowing how she’d take that after what she’d just said, and hurriedly backtracked. “You don’t have to say it back, because I know there’s a difference between familial love and romantic love, and we haven’t?—”
A grunt escaped me as her fingers dug into my ribs. “Of course, I love you, you dope.”
My heart inflated like a helium balloon, weightless and free, and I couldn’t help but smile at her response, so typical Dove.
“I just don’t want to lose you again.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “We live in a small, conservative town, Josh. What happens if they find out? What if?—”
My lips on hers put an end to her spiraling questions. Once Dove started, she didn’t stop. She’d think of every likely scenario and worry about it, expressing every available concern.
I didn’t want us to be another stressor in her life. I wanted to be the one who took her worries away, who could shoulder some of her burden.
“Let’s not worry about that right now.” I brushed another kiss across her lips and she responded back so sweetly, melting into my side, that I couldn’t help but swoop down again, allowing myself to be bewitched by her soft, plush lips.
I pulled back with a groan. “Stop distracting me.”
“M’not trying to,” she mumbled, following me as I straightened, pouting as it took me out of the range of her kisses.
“Let’s just focus on us for right now,” I suggested. “Not the town or future what-ifs. We’ll take it slow and discuss all that after we see if we work or not.”
“Slow,” she repeated with a frown that suggested she didn’t agree with that at all. Then, “You don’t think we’ll work?”
I wanted us to, more than anything. But I was pretty sure I was Dove’s first in a lot of ways, and she deserved the time to figure out if this was what she wanted. If being with me was what she wanted—and everything that came with that decision.
“Have you been in a relationship before, Dove?”
She scowled, shifting away from me defensively. “You know I haven’t.”
“No,” I reminded her, giving her a significant look. “I know you hadn’t been with anyone when I left . I don’t know much since then. Which is my point.”
I reached for her, attempting to pull her back to me but she shied away, crossing her arms, her gazing shifting down to focus on the sunshine creeping in across the cement floor.
I released a silent exhale, running my hands through my disheveled hair, needing to fix this.
“Everything you said is valid, Dove, and I agree. I don’t want to jeopardize anything between us—or where we live.
” There was plenty more I wanted to say, but I remained silent.
She needed time to contemplate what we’d discussed, what we’d done.
Dove was stubborn, and nothing I said would change that.
I’d said my piece for now. So instead of worrying about what was going through her mind, I started to clean up and put away the tools I’d been using earlier.
The truck needed some minor repairs and a few parts replaced. Simple enough, just time consuming. I’d get on the phone with the local mechanic later and order what I needed. Hopefully have her up and running in a week’s time.
I let myself hum along to the song playing on the radio under my breath, dutifully ignoring the hood of my truck as I tided up, despite the fact it needed a wipe down.
How I was supposed to drive the damn thing now knowing I’d had her on it, I didn’t know.
Just looking at it conjured the image of her moaning and whimpering, dripping all over it?—