Chapter 37
Jess
The next morning, a fresh zesty smell woke me. And a mouth against mine. The same mouth that had tortured me last night, after we’d got back from a local restaurant – we’d gone out for a late meal.
We’d barely made it back in the door before Brodie had been taking off my clothes again, and me his.
We’d stumbled through the apartment, landing on his bed in a sprawl. Desperate to be joined. He’d taken me from behind, hands holding my
hips. He’d pounded into me with such force, but it hadn’t been enough. I’d wanted
more. There was something so primal about making love – having sex – with
Brodie. He turned me into someone far more elemental than I’d ever thought I
was.
I ached all over. Tender between my legs. My mouth clung to his even as
he pulled away. I opened my eyes.‘It’s early.’
‘I have a meeting the other side of London.’
It hit me then. I’d stayed over. My post-coital delusions weren’t looking so under control now.
I heard the sound of a boat horn down on the river.
Brodie sat on the edge of the bed, dressed in smart trousers and a shirt.
A titan of industry. For a second I felt discombobulated.
Caught on the back foot. I had wanted this to be my call.
I’d wanted to get up and leave, walk away with my dignity intact.
Closure achieved. But that was the last thing I felt.
‘Look,’ he said. ‘You’re actually closer to the charity house here. Why don’t you stay again tonight?’
And that’s when it hit me, the full magnitude of what I was allowing to happen here. Giving in to a weakness in the hope that Brodie would somehow magically want something more than just sex.
And he had been nothing but clear on that. So if I allowed this to happen again, this time under no illusions, I would be the biggest mug. And setting myself up for a world of pain. A world of pain I’d already tasted in the last two weeks.
I sat up and reached for my T-shirt on the end of the bed. ‘No, I need to get moving too.’
Brodie stood up and looked at his watch. ‘I have a few minutes. Take a shower. I’ll make some more coffee.’
I wanted to tell him to go ahead so I could leave and retreat somewhere to hide away, but he’d already walked out.
I cursed and took a fast shower, tying my hair up. Then I dressed again in my clothes from yesterday. Fantastic. The walk of shame inside Brodie’s apartment.
When I went out, at least feeling a little less vulnerable, he was there at the counter, his back to me. I couldn’t stop my gaze from running over his form. The broad back. Slim waist. Muscular buttocks.
He turned around and held up a coffee pot.
I needed all the strength I could get. ‘Yes, please.’ I knew I had to shut this down with Brodie.
Seeing him again, fucking him again had only shown me how susceptible I was to him.
And how dangerous he was to me. He handed me a cup and I took a gulp. ‘Thanks.’
‘So... Tonight? Why not stay over again?’
I put the cup down and forced myself to look at him. ‘And then what?’
His gaze narrowed on me. ‘And then... Maybe we hang out for a bit.’
‘Until when exactly?’
Now he looked uncomfortable. My insides sank. I saved him. ‘Until this chemistry burns out?’
He looked relieved. My insides sank even more. ‘Would that be so bad?’ he asked.
Yes. I nodded my head. ‘Yes it would.’
‘Why?’
‘I shouldn’t have agreed to come back here with you yesterday. It was weak of me.’
‘Jess... What are you talking about?’
‘I’ve fallen for you, Brodie. It’s not just sex for me. And if we have sex again... I want to, but I can’t, because I want more. And you’re not willing to give more. Are you?’
He shook his head but not in answer, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘How can you have fallen for me? How? When?’
I felt angry with myself. ‘I don’t know! It’s not something I could have controlled. Believe me, I really wish I didn’t have these feelings. I had no intention of ever allowing myself to get hurt again.’
He looked at me. ‘I told you I didn’t do relationships.’ He sounded almost accusing.
‘Yes, I know. It’s not your fault, Brodie.’ I went on. ‘But this ends here, now. Please don’t contact me again.’
‘I didn’t contact you,’ he pointed out.
‘So you just took advantage of seeing me yesterday?’
He flushed. ‘I didn’t mean it like that—’
I put up my hand. It was a good reminder.
‘If you hadn’t seen me yesterday, we wouldn’t be having this conversation because you wouldn’t have sought me out.
It was a place-and-time opportunity. Good to know.
But you know what? I got to scratch an itch too, so you can consider this closure on this.
..’ I gestured between us. ‘Whatever this was.’
‘Jess,’ he said, but I wasn’t listening. I hunted out my sandals and bag, and picked them up. He was still talking. ‘I regretted not asking you to stay, after the Cotswolds. I told you I was going to contact you.’
Yes he had but it meant nothing now that I knew this was all he wanted. ‘That still doesn’t really change anything. Goodbye, Brodie. Good luck with your new company, I hope it goes really well for you.’