Chapter Fourteen
A utumn
The images contained in the photo album sitting on her lap depicted what Autumn assumed was fairly typically of any quintessential small town: parades, contests, and other large gatherings where people both young and old looked to be having the time of their life.
As she flipped through the pictures, she even saw herself at various ages and stages of her life.
There was the Easter egg hunt where her hair was in twin braids, the Fourth of July parade where her hair was slightly frizzy and the early stages of teenage acne were apparent, and one from last year where she and Felix were pictured next to one another on a park bench as they toasted the culmination of a Brewer’s Festival with glasses of his cider.
Each picture showed a moment in time where she was visibly happy, surrounded by people she knew in a place she clearly loved, and she remembered none of it.
The incredibly thoughtful gesture of having collected all these photos for Autumn in hopes of giving her part of her past back was something she would make sure to thank Lottie for later, but the headache that was forming behind her eyes and at the base of her neck was something she could have done without.
Strained eyes that were drier than the clay blocks she’d worked with again that morning blinked rapidly as she stared at the photos again.
If only any of it looked familiar to her that would be something , but other than recognizing people she’d met again since her accident and a few town landmarks, the pictures only served as one more reminder that she wasn’t getting any better.
For all intents and purposes, Autumn was perfectly fine.
Her latest brain scans were normal, her motor skills were where they should be, and her ability to recall things that had happened since her accident was phenomenal.
If only her memories from the past were as easy to summon, but no, they continued to elude her as did the answer to her Felix conundrum.
It had only been a day since the kiss that weakened her knees and jump-started her heart, but the hours had gone by slowly as she contemplated whether or not she should try for more.
At dinner with her parents the evening prior, they tried once again to convince Autumn to come home to Phoenix with them, arguing that she was born and raised there for the first ten years of her life and that with all the memorabilia they had at their condo, she was far more likely to get her memories back than if she remained in Applewood.
Their logic made sense, but the thought of leaving the small town, and more specifically the man she’d grown to care for deeply, made her feel even more hollow inside than she already did.
Frowning at the ache in her chest that formed whenever she considered listening to her parents, Autumn shut the album and pushed it to the side.
Leaning back on the plush, cream colored couch, she grabbed Bun-Bun and squeezed him to her chest. The stuffy had become a constant companion over the last two months, an item that offered comfort with no judgement about her progress or lack thereof.
Looking down at the light blue bunny, Autumn stroked its ratty fur.
“I don’t think they’re coming back, Bun-Bun.
” Of course, the bunny offered no response, but Autumn could swear it was smiling sadly at her.
“I know, I know. It’s been pretty obvious for a while, but you can’t blame a girl for hoping.
” She tugged the string under his eye, making him wink at her again.
With a chuckle and a sigh, she hugged the bunny once more.
Until Autumn made some decisions about her future, she was going to be stuck in this limbo of just waiting for something to happen that may never come into being.
That was all well and good when she had Felix and her parents to keep her company, but eventually they would have to go back to their normal lives and she would have to figure out what that meant for her.
Continuing to work on her pottery was a given.
Her customer base may suffer as she relearned how to do everything, or she may have to change what she sold entirely, but at least Autumn knew that she wanted to continue to work with clay in some form or another.
That could be done from anywhere though, and did she really want to stay in a place that was a constant reminder of what she would never get back?
Applewood was a wonderful place. The people were lovely and the town was one she could see herself living in for the rest of her life, but it was also a place where everyone had a piece of something she might never get back: her past. It was strange to be surrounded by people who knew more about you than you did about yourself, and Autumn wasn’t sure it was something she would ever get used to.
“What should I do, Bun-Bun?” The bunny was once again annoyingly silent, simply staring back at her with its wonky eye. “Well, you’re no help at all.”
The front door shut and Autumn turned to see Felix walking in, his arms holding three full cider growlers. He placed them on the counter and gazed at her with a smirk. “Should I be concerned that you’re talking to a stuffed animal?”
Autumn shrugged. “Probably,” she admitted. “But he does have a lot of interesting things to say, you should talk to him sometime.” Facing the bunny to Felix, she tugged on the little string, chuckling when a disturbed look came over his face.
“That’s not right.” He stared at the bunny for a moment looking like he was fearing for his own safety, and Autumn made a mental note to scare him with it later.
She may not have her memories or any clue of what to do about her future, but at least she had fun times with Felix to look forward to everyday. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Hmm?” Autumn watched him fold his large frame next to her on the couch, trying to focus on what he’d just said and not how the denim of his pants clung to his thighs, thighs that could crush her as she lay between them.
Blinking away the thought, she looked up to his face.
“Oh, nothing really. I was just thinking about stuff.”
Felix rested his arm behind the couch, his fingers lightly combing through her hair.
The feel of his fingers on her scalp instantly put her at ease, so much so that she wanted to forget all about having a conversation and focus on just being with him.
Apparently, she did not have the same effect on Felix.
His eyes flicked to the closed album before resting on her face.
Felix had many faces that she’d come to know over the last two months, and right now she could see that he was giving her his most concerned one. “The album didn’t help, did it?”
Shaking her head, she smiled sadly and leaned into his side. “Not in the way it was supposed to.” Autumn pinched the bridge of her nose, her small headache threatening to go full migraine. “I think it’s time I face the possibility that it’s not going to come back to me.”
Felix nodded, taking her hand and rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “How do you feel about that?”
Autumn scoffed quietly. “I feel about a thousand things and nothing at the same time.” Her head hit his shoulder, and when his arm wrapped around hers, she felt safe enough to continue.
“I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a river with a fishing pole, and all these memories are floating down it.
Every time I think I can reel one in, the line snaps and it floats away again.
It’s frustrating, and heartbreaking, but more than anything else, it’s annoying that I have to keep trying. ”
Felix stayed silent for a long moment, his brow furrowed when he finally gazed over at her. “Who says you have to keep trying?”
Autumn shot him a withering look. “Um, everyone? The doctors, my parents, you.” She felt anger rising in her chest, not at any one person, but at the situation.
It was so unfair and she hated it, but one thing she knew without a shadow of a doubt was that life wasn’t fair, so what was the point in her screaming about it?
“None of you have said it explicitly, but I can tell everyone is just waiting around for me to get better. It’s too much pressure. ”
“No,” Felix protested. “We’re not waiting, we’re just trying to be supportive.”
Autumn grabbed his hands in hers and stared into his eyes.
“On some level, I think that’s true and I appreciate it, but you and my parents have all literally put your lives on hold for me.
Do you know how hard it is to know that and wake up every day with nothing having changed?
I can’t just sit around and wait for my life to come back to me.
I think,” she licked her dry lips, knowing what needed to be said but still afraid to say it. “I think I need to make a new one.”
Felix nodded, his expression worried. “What does that look like?”
Autumn shook her sadly. It was another question she had no answer to but one that needed to be asked nonetheless. “I honestly have no idea.” She smiled softly at Felix and cupped his cheek. “I do know one thing though.”
Felix leaned into her touch, his cheek pressing against her palm, the feel of his skin grounding her. “What’s that?” he asked hopefully.
Autumn had dashed his hopes on an almost daily basis, so it was nice to be able to give him something good for once and not see a reappearance of a sad puppy. “I want you to be there while I figure it out.”
The smile she was rewarded with for that admission was so bright that it could have powered all of Applewood for days on end. “Thank you.”