27. Ashley
27
ASHLEY
A fter that interaction with Jack, I knew I was done for the day. I was in no mindset to diagnose or treat patients and I couldn't afford to be making mistakes. I understood why the hospital had a non-fraternization policy now because one argument with Jack crippled my ability to have focus or clear thought. My patients deserved better.
I was glad when I stopped in the doctors’ lounge and picked up my things that Michael and Farah were out on rounds. As I walked to my car, I called Julie for someone to vent to. I thought maybe I'd go to her house and unload and she could help me feel better, but she didn't pick up her phone. I didn't want to go home and sit alone in my apartment feeling like this, and while I knew Sam wasn't the monster my broken heart would like me to think he was, going running to him would only give him the wrong idea.
So I got in my car and drove until my heart settled on where I was going. I turned toward the coast and hopped on the highway toward Dad's house. Tears streamed down my cheeks. Jack's words hurt me really badly. I didn't understand how he could go from being so supportive and loving to biting my head off for something I hadn't even done.
I knew he had a temper and that he was grumpy at times, and I believed it was because of the stress he was under. But even when that stress had been relieved, he was still acting irrationally. It was no wonder he was single. What woman would want that? Even with my tendency to want to rescue and heal people, I couldn't be with someone who acted like this and it broke my heart.
I pulled into Dad's driveway and shut off the car. His garage door was open and he was at his work bench with his back to the street. He turned around when I climbed out of the car and shut the door and he had a broad smile.
"Hey, sweetheart. Good morning. Shouldn't you be at work?" He wiped his hands on a grease rag as I walked into the garage and noticed he was fiddling with a small engine. It looked like it came off of a weed whacker.
"I, uh…” I felt myself getting emotional again when I had just gotten myself calmed down. Running to Dad was a bad idea, considering everything I'd hidden from him, but I had nowhere else to go. And I knew he loved me and wouldn't be angry with me for any of it. Though I didn't hold the same confidence for Jack. But this wasn't about Jack anymore.
I was pregnant with Jack's baby and I was alone now. I didn't see any hope for a future with Jack because he couldn’t get control of himself. Where else would I turn besides my family who loved me, even if I had been less than truthful with them?
"Everything okay?" Dad probably noticed my red, puffy face and put two and two together. The tears started to fall again, and I moved closer to him and he wrapped me in his arms. "Hey, shh, it's okay." He pulled away in an uncharacteristic move and nodded at the door, holding his greasy hands up. "Let's go inside where I can wash up."
I followed him into the house, through the mud room and into the kitchen. Dad had mechanics to do his work for him. I didn't know why he was trying to work on that engine himself, except for boredom and curiosity. As a retired man, he had a lot of time on his hands and most of his friends were still enjoying their final years of work before joining him.
I sat at the breakfast nook, and he went straight to the sink to wash his hands. When he joined me, he pulled his chair closer to me and set a box of tissues between us. Resting a hand on my knee, he leaned forward and spoke quietly.
"Tell me what's going on, Ashley." His tone was calm and gentle, but firm. As my father, there was never anyone more fiercely protective over my heart and life. When Sam dumped me so horribly, I was shocked Dad didn't go to jail for assault. He was so angry, but he managed to control his actions. His words, however, left a mark that kept Sam away from me as I finished med school.
"Uh, so the investigation at work is pretty tense." I sniffled and blew my nose. "They cut off my ability to prescribe medicine because I might have given a patient the wrong drug and?—"
"I heard.” Dad had friends on the board, so it wasn't a surprise that he knew. He might have even known more details than I did. I tensed even though I knew I could be vulnerable with him. He knew me too well. He would know there was more to it than just the work stress.
There was an uncomfortable silence as I used blowing my nose again as an excuse not to say any more. I hoped he would just be here for me and I wouldn’t have to go into all the details, but Dad pressed me.
"Have you spoken with Jack about this? What does he have to say?"
I sat numbly, remembering how amazing Jack was that night it all happened and how he came to my apartment and took care of me so kindly. Then I thought of how he screamed at me an hour ago and how hurt I felt. More tears welled up and I couldn’t stop them. My heart was breaking all over again, but this time it was with a man who I thought couldn't possibly break my heart like this. I never saw this coming.
"Daddy," I whimpered and sobbed. My hand covered my open mouth, and he pulled a few tissues out of the box and held them out to me. "I had an argument with Jack. He said really hurtful things. He yelled at me, and I stormed out and…” The sobs racked my body, and I couldn't talk anymore. I wasn’t sure if what I'd already said even made sense to him.
He scooted his chair closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders and head and pulled me into his chest again. It wasn't the same embrace I remembered from childhood. There was something distant about this hug, as if someone else had taken his place and Dad's love just wasn't the same anymore. I knew that "someone" was Jack, but I doubted I'd ever feel comforted and loved by him again.
"Hey, shh,” he soothed with words and touch, and when I had to pull away and blow my nose, he pressed me again. It was so gentle, I felt I could be honest with him. "Is something going on between you and Jack? Something you want to tell me?"
My heart was so heavy, I didn't even want to say a word about it, mostly because if I said nothing, then maybe I could pretend it never happened, that this was all a bad dream and I could move on and live my life and not carry the weight of mourning with me for months as Jack's baby grew in my womb.
But this was my father, and if he was asking me, there was a chance he already knew what was going on, or at least strongly suspected it. At this point, there was no more reason to lie. Things between me and Jack were over and I had to accept that.
"Yes.” I sniffled and continued. "Jack and I have been seeing each other." I avoided eye contact because I didn't know how he'd react.
"And that night on my yacht?" he pried softly.
"I initiated that, Dad. Jack didn't do anything wrong. I've always had a crush on him and I acted on it." I licked my lips and got up the courage to look him in the eye, expecting anger there. But he was only compassionate, leaning in with love in his eyes.
"Go on."
"We've been sneaking around because we were afraid you would be angry with him." My nose continued to run, so I kept wiping it as I spoke. "But it's over now. Jack and I are done. The way he yelled at me… I just can't be with someone like that."
Only when I pointed out Jack's poor treatment of me did I see any hint of frustration or upset in his expression. He hugged me again, more tightly, and I felt better getting that off my chest. But there was more to tell, and if I didn't say something now, I knew it would be more stressful later when it came out.
Dad let me go again, and I took a deep breath. "There's more, Dad." My hands trembled because I wasn't sure how he'd take the news. I still felt the same warm feeling of happiness, though the giddy joy was dampened by my heartbreak.
"I'm listening," he said, and he sat back in his seat as if bracing for the news. His expression was still calm, but now there was a storm in his eyes and I knew it was meant for Jack. Hopefully, my news would help the storm abate, at least a little. Dad couldn't cut Jack off entirely. Not now. And that was good for both of them. They needed each other even if I couldn't have Jack.
"I'm pregnant. And before you say anything, don't blame Jack." I sighed. "It was an accident, and neither of us planned on this happening, but Daddy, I'm so happy. I'm going to be a mom, and you're going to be a grandpa." The tears came again, but this time, I laughed softly and oscillated between pain for what was happening and joy that I finally got to announce my baby to the world.
Dad's chest rose and fell while his eyes welled up with tears. He blinked them back, but I saw them there before he did. Then he smiled and took one of my hands between both of his and kissed it firmly.
"You look so happy, sweetheart."
"I am, Dad. I know it's not great timing, and doing things alone will be challenging. But you raised me alone, and I have you to help me." I swiped at my eyes and finally took a breath of relief for the first time in days. Unloading everything that was on my heart felt good. I'd needed this break.
"Well, I'm happy for you, then. And I’m excited to meet my grandson." He slapped his hands on his knees and stood. "Do you need a drink?" Dad moved toward the sink, and I accepted his offer for a drink of water, but I couldn't help but feel like something was unfinished.
Watching him walk around and get a glass and then fill it with water from the tap, I saw the tension in his actions. The way his hands clenched and unclenched. He was the master of the bedside manner. He always had been. Just reading him, I knew he was angry with Jack. I hadn't meant to put anything between them, but I knew from the beginning that there was always the risk of that.
Something told me that if Jack hadn't acted like that or if I hadn't told Dad that Jack acted like that, Dad wouldn’t be so upset right now and hiding it from me. Even though I was angry with Jack, I felt sad that Dad would probably go to him and tell him off. Jack had been through so much. Losing a friend over this whole thing wasn't what I wanted for him.
"You're not going to go off on him, are you?" I asked as Dad set the water in front of me, and I saw his brow furrow. His nostrils flared, and then he sucked in a breath and held it for a second, blowing it out harshly.
"I won't go off on him. Because I respect you."
"Are you angry with him?" I knew the answer and I knew he would lie to me. He wouldn't consider it a lie because he would say when this was all said and done, they would move past it.
"I am upset, but I'm not angry." Dad leaned down and kissed my forehead and smiled. "I'm going to be a grandfather. That's about the best silver lining I could possibly hope for."
The warmth of his response to everything I said helped me believe there were good things in store for me, even if they didn't include Jack.
Now I just had to tell Jack about the baby and then I could move on. Life always finds a way, and in this case, I was flying solo. But I'd find my way too.