Chapter 3 #2
Her laugh fills my ear. “I would expect nothing less. And…I actually already scheduled it. Don’t kill me,” she pleads. “I was counting on you being on board.”
Of course she did. “And I have the nerve to question where Addie gets her tenacity from.” I chuckle.
“Well, both of us, of course.”
“You got that right. Send me the details, and I’ll make sure to let Coach know in case I need to miss practice.”
“Oh! It’s actually scheduled for Monday morning.
I know you said you have off until Tuesday, and since this is your weekend with Addie, I figured we might as well not put it off.
Besides, I have to work, so you’ll need to relay all the details.
I also started a note on my phone with questions for you to ask. ”
Jesus Christ, this woman. Always ten steps ahead.
“What do you mean you have to work? You’re the one insisting on this meeting, and you won’t even be there?” I’m teasing her, but what are the fucking chances of that.
“Trust me, I want to be there. Not sure if you remember the last time we were there for Addie’s six-year well visit, but Dr. Wolk told us about his retirement.
Well, he’s officially retired, and evidently, the new doctor taking over his practice cleared out their schedule this coming week to establish new patient relationships.
Whatever that means. Appointments were available upon request, and I guess that counts for us, too, needing to be seen more urgently. ”
I almost forgot about Dr. Wolk retiring.
He’s been Addie’s pediatrician since she was born, and I’m not exactly sure what to expect about this new physician taking over.
Now that I think about it, I do remember receiving a formal letter in the mail a month or so ago, letting us know of the changes coming.
This should be interesting. I guess going alone will give me a chance to be the parent I’ve always wanted to be.
Not that I’m not an involved dad—I am. I just carry a lot of guilt.
Guilt from working my ass off and missing out on the small moments in Addie’s life.
Moments I can’t get back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful I had the means to be home with her the first two years, but selfishly, I know those are the years only I remember.
Right now, Addie knows me as the dad who plays baseball for the Strikers, her favorite team, and comes home when he’s not. It’s a shitty feeling because deep down, I want to be more than just my job to her. I want more for my daughter and me.
“I can handle it,” I tell Hilary, ready and honored I get this experience with Addie to myself. Hilary works in financing, doing god knows what. All I actually know is that she travels intermittently. Nothing like I do, but there are times when I have to rely on Vanna more than I’d like.
Again, it would feel incredibly fulfilling to give Addie the stability she deserves. Retirement doesn’t sound half-bad.
“I know you can. The appointment is at 10 a.m. Since it’s the beginning of the new year, they’ll probably ask you to update her insurance information. You’ll just need to fill out the paperwork when you get there. HIPAA and all that jazz we have to do every year.”
“No problem. Don’t worry about it, Hil. Everything will be fine, and we will call you after. I’m sure Doodle will be antsy to tell you how tall she is now.” I know because it’s the exact phone call I usually look forward to.
“How sad is it that there will be a day when none of that matters to her anymore?”
My stomach drops just thinking about it. “Don’t remind me. I’ve missed out on enough. I’ve got a lot of making up to do, Hil. Finishing this season might kill me, but after that…I’m all in.”
Her exhale is loud, and I know for a fact, intentional.
“You’ve always been ‘all in,’ Crew. Addie has been fortunate enough to see her father do what he loves and is pretty damn great at it, too.
That’s something to be proud of. But like we’ve talked about before, everything is for a season.
If you feel like this season for you is ending, then I’m happy for you, and Addie will be too.
If you’ve got another year in you, then we’ll still be just as happy.
Show yourself grace, Crew. Our daughter worships the ground you walk on. ”
Sometimes I wonder how Hilary got to be so intuitive.
She always has the right words to say. I used to question whether there was something I couldn’t see in Hilary that I was missing.
Maybe I could see a future with her. But the more I’ve come to know her over the years, the more I’ve believed that her being a good friend is exactly what I needed.
My guess is that I was holding out for the perfect story for Addie. In an ideal world, a child’s mother and father would end up together.
Our story is different, and that’s okay.
Over the last couple of years, Hilary has also discovered some things about herself. Like how she enjoys the company of women much more than she ever did men, and I’m happy for her. Her current partner, Margo, has been around for close to a year now, and I’ve never seen Hilary smile more.
Addie loves her, too.
I try not to be envious of what they have, but easier said than done. I want it, too.
“You always know what to say. Thanks, Hil. We will call you after the checkup. Tell Margo I said hi.” I yawn, more than ready to hit the fucking sack and get some sleep before our busy weekend.
Laser tag and arcade games might take me out.
“She said she expects you over for cocktails soon,” Hilary informs me, and I can hear Margo’s voice in the background. “Good luck with the new doc. You’re a great dad, Crew. Believe it.”
“Thanks. Sleep well.”
I try my best. I really do. But at what point is my best not good enough? One thing is for sure, I intend to enjoy the free weekend with Addie and promise myself I’ll worry about the future another day.
There are memories to be made.