Epilogue
EPILOGUE
ERIC
Two months later:
Going to a pride event with others is a completely new concept for me. Over the last few years, I managed to come either by myself or as part of the show when the Monarch Room was asked to perform or march. Every time I’ve come, I almost felt like I was obligated to be there just because I’m gay as fuck. I had pride in the life I had built for myself, but I never felt like I belonged among the happy, cheerful throngs of people.
The thing most people don’t recognize when it comes to Pride events is that these celebrations are a falsehood for some of us. People on the outside see the colorful outfits, the flashy dancing, and the rainbows and they think that there is no purpose to these parades and celebrations outside of being gay as fuck. Hell, even I didn’t understand what there really was to celebrate until this year .
After my first pride when I snuck out at fifteen, each year I come to Pride in the city, I seek out the older guys. I always thought, if anyone would understand why I don’t want to celebrate, they would. I heard their stories. I heard about their lovers lost to the AIDS epidemic of the eighties and nineties. They regaled me with tales about their families abandoning them, the forced marriages and children born to satisfy the archaic belief that a man’s duty is to procreate…
They faced so much. They lost so much. And yet they are still here forty years later with smiles on their faces, cheering on the younger generations that will hopefully never know their pain and struggle. Those men’s stories kept me going many times over the last five years. They survived. They thrived. They gave me the strength to see another tomorrow. From them, I knew that my brighter tomorrow might take years or decades, but it was coming.
Those men saved my life and will never even know it.
This year for Pride in the City, I have the weekend off. I made a managerial decision and closed the Monarch Room so that we can all enjoy the events in the city this weekend. It was tough for Clarence to accept that I wanted to close down completely for the weekend, but with his wedding coming up next month, he doesn’t have the time to argue with me when he knows I’m right.
I’m a bit nervous to be here with the rest of the guys from Kink Manor. This is the first time I’m sharing this part of me with them. Mattie was right. It’s time I finally open up to them. His coming back into my life helped to slay my dragons and woke up my heart, like a super gay Sleeping Beauty. It’s time for my friends to meet the real me and the special men who truly saved me over the years.
“So what are we doing first?” Toby asks, bouncing up next to me. “Do we hit up the food trucks or the stalls? I wanna see if there’s anyone selling rainbow collars. Or maybe some light up ears? Oh, they have ice cream?! I want ice cream!”
The excitable pup takes off into the crowd, pansexual flag flaring behind him like the cape he intended it to be. Shiloh looks like he wants to follow, but ultimately huddles into Eli’s side. Our kitten doesn’t like crowds at all, but he insisted that he wanted to be here, to be a part of this with us. I admire him so much for facing his demons in a healthy way, not like me. I’m glad he doesn’t take after me. I think Eli would rip his hair out if he had to deal with another brat in the house.
Not that I’m living in the house anymore. I’m very content with mine and Mattie’s little love nest in our trailer at the edge of the woods.
Speaking of Mattie, I glance at my phone to see that I still have quite a while before I get to see him. There was apparently some sort of mandatory staff retreat thing at the University that would be taking up most of the day. For a place that claims to be LGBTQIA+ friendly, Wrenshaw certainly seems to have issues with allowing their staff to be proud to be part of the alphabet mafia .
After a few hours of wandering around the stalls, the rest of the guys decide they want to watch the acts on the stage. The band that is up there now, Heading North, is one that I absolutely adore, and I’m glad to see them furthering their reach. When I first heard their song, Two Steps Away, it was like the words were pulled from my soul. I was glad that Clarence and Felicia agreed to make it the opener to our latest show. We don’t perform our Love Yourself show every week, but the club sells out every night we run it.
I’m lost in the music when suddenly, I feel arms wrapping around me from behind. People here are usually better than this. Turning around to teach this neanderthal a lesson, I freeze with my hand in the air. My snarl becomes a thousand watt smile at the sight of my love with a wolfish grin on his face, a face which is painted with the bisexual flag on each cheek.
Throwing both arms around his neck, I pull him to me to plant a kiss on his lips.
“I thought you weren’t going to be able to make it today,” I say as I step back. “And I see you found the face painter. I’m so proud of you for coming out here.”
Matt chuckles and spins me back to face the stage, pulling my back snugly to his front. “I wouldn’t miss experiencing this with you for the world. Apparently, no one told the dean that this weekend was Pride in the City. He’s pissed that the school missed an opportunity to set up a booth and practically ordered us to come directly down here .
“And the face painter just happens to be a former student so she hooked me up. She told me to let you know that a lot of guys will be jealous that you got me out of my closet first.”
“And I will be the only guy who gets to experience you if I have anything to say about it,” I promise him with a kiss as we turn our attention back to the stage.
We dance and cuddle through all of Heading North’s set as well as the next couple of acts. Noticing Bob, one of the older gentlemen that I speak to every year, I pull Matt off to the side of the crowd to introduce them. He’s sitting on a wall, fanning himself with a glittery rainbow snap fan when I reach him. Looking behind me, I notice most of the guys from the house have followed us, and I’m secretly happy that my family and friends are going to meet one of the men who made me see that I had a future.
“Bob! What the fuck, man? It’s the last day and this is the first I’m seeing you?” I lean down to hug him, noticing he doesn’t hug me back as tightly as usual. “Where’s Dickie? And Jeff?”
Bob smiles at me, but the light in his eyes is dimmer than I remember from last year. I get the feeling something’s not right with my old gays, but I am making a conscious effort to not be so negative inside my head. Perhaps they just had a falling out?
“Dickie is doing well,” he says and I feel some of the tension leave me.
“He moved down to Florida this year to be near his sister. You know she’s the only one who kept loving him and all that. Well, she broke her wrist taking out the trash back in February, so he moved down there to help her with things. Him being sixty-two to her seventy makes him think he’s going to make a big difference or something.”
I laugh because it sounds like Dickie. He has some ass backwards logic in his brain sometimes… reminds me of Toby, actually.
Dickie was disowned and beaten by his father when he refused to marry a woman from the church in his early twenties. This was in the early eighties, at the height of the AIDS scare what with Ryan White and everything. According to him, he never officially came out to his family. They all put pieces together and the refusal of the marriage was their proof. His older sister was the only one who even kept in contact with him. In return, he helped her get out of her abusive marriage about a decade later.
I never asked how, but I got the feeling that Sheila isn’t a divorcee, but a widow.
“Sounds like him,” I say as I sit down on the wall next to my friend. “What about Jeff?”
“How about you introduce me to your friends, Brat?” he counters, blinking rapidly.
Oh, Fuck…
I knew the day would come when I would lose my old guys, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. And Jeff? He was a lot like me. He only shared who he truly was with a select few people, none of which were blood relations. I knew he would take losing Jeremy hard after their forty some years together, but I didn’t expect to lose him the very same year. I guess a broken heart really can kill. Looking up at Matt, I give his hand a tight squeeze before turning back to everyone else.
Choking back the tears, I force a smile. Although everyone here would understand, I know Jeff wouldn’t want a scene. I get why Bob isn’t talking about it. We honor our friend by keeping his wishes. The only scenes Jeff ever wanted made had to be fabulous and fun.
“These guys here are some of my roommates I told you about,” I say and introduce everyone individually. “And this hunk of a man here is the love of my life, Lewis Matthias Barnes, the second.”
Matt shakes his head in exasperation before reaching out to shake Bob’s hand. “Call me Matt, please. This knucklehead loves the fact that my name sounds more pompous than his and yet he is the one with the trust fund.”
Bob and the others laugh at our exchange, and I settle in with my head on Matt’s shoulder to listen as my old friend shares the tales of his youth with my family. In the middle of one of my favorite stories, Toby comes running up to us with about a dozen kabobs in his hands.
“I bring sustenance for Kink Manor!” he proclaims and shoves his fists out towards Eli and Matt to distribute the food.
“Tobias?” Bob exclaims with more energy than I’ve seen from him so far today. “What the hell… You’re supposed to be in Montana. Does your mother know? ”
Toby hides behind Shiloh in a weird Twilight Zone moment of role reversal and shakes his head at my friend.
“Please don’t tell her, Uncle Robert,” the pup pleads. “I never got on the plane. I knew she wouldn’t come here since you live here. Please don’t make me go back.”
Bob pulls Toby into a forceful hug and weeps onto his shoulder. We all seem to realize those two need a moment, so we head back into the crowd to explore some more before more acts come onto the stage.
After a quick lap around some of the vendor booths with Matt, I pull him back into the crowd in front of the stage to watch the last few acts, sporting fresh face paint and some shiny new pins to make my vest even more fabulous. The world around us completely disappears as we cuddle in the swarm of people. That is, until a very panicked Shiloh comes flying into my arms.
“Shy? Kitten? What happened? What’s wrong?”
He’s trembling in my arms, but no words are coming. I glance back at Matt to see he is on his phone. Holding Shiloh tightly, I sigh in relief when the music cuts out to signal the changing of the acts.
“…He just came running up to us… No, I don’t see him anywhere… Hold on, lemme ask.”
Matt crouches in front of me and gently rubs Shiloh’s arm to get his attention. It takes a bit, but he finally moves his face out of my chest to look at my love. Matt asks a few yes or no questions to see if we can figure out what is going on.
Were you with Toby before you ran over to us? Yes
Is Toby hurt? No
Did Toby do something to upset you? No
Does Toby know you ran off? Shrug
Did someone touch you? No
“Hey, Kitten, look up at me for a second,” I say after the yes and no game has me thinking of something. Shiloh has relaxed a little bit while we were standing here, so he meets my gaze with only a slight hesitation.
“Did you see Him ?”
Shiloh nods quickly and buries his head back into my chest just as his knees give out. I can feel the vibrations of his screams against my bare chest, but no one can hear his pain over the music. Holding on as tightly as I can, I glance at Matt and the others who are making their way through the crowd to reach us. Making eye contact with Eli, I see the moment he realizes what happened.
“He’s out?” Eli mouths, not asking out loud. I just nod and watch as everyone’s faces distort with varying levels of rage. Toby goes from horrified to pissed in a matter of seconds, and it’s only the fact that Eli is literally holding his leash that keeps him from running off to hunt the bitch down.
“I think it might be time to get the kitten home,” Spencer says as the stage is cleared for the final act of the night.
“But Daddy!” Lucky whines, “I wanna watch RealXMan! He’s the whole reason I even agreed to people today!”
I chuckle at the adorable little throwing his version of a tantrum in the middle of the crowd. Even though it’s just a bit of foot stomping and pouting, the Lucky we all met last year would never even dream of making even this much of a scene in public, especially while wearing a diaper and a onesie, even if his shorts cover that up.
Glancing down, I see our kitten peek out at our friends with a shy smile. Giving him a little shake, I ask, “Do you want to watch the last show or head out now? It’s up to you. The others won’t even have to leave. I drove myself so we can bump out in the Mini if you wanna go home to your cave in the basement.”
I watch as Shiloh rebuilds himself before our eyes. He has come so very far from the terrified boy that showed up on our doorstep a few years ago. Toby, the loyal pup, reaches out and the two of them hold onto each other’s hands as if a hurricane is going to appear just to rip them away from each other.
“Let’s stay,” Shiloh says with only a slight waver in his voice. “I’m not going to miss a live performance by RealXMan, especially after Toby has been spamming the group chat with all of his Instagram reels. I want to see him perform Rainbow Fam in person, with my own rainbow family.”
As the performance starts, I am in awe of how quickly my life has turned around. Snapping a picture of RealXMan’s opening outfit, I text it to Clarence as an idea for his wedding dress.
Fr3n3my:
For the last time, I’m not wearing a dress! But yes, that is adorable and Cleo might have inspiration for a future act now .
Putting my phone away, I manage to let all of the stress and pain fall back to the background to just enjoy the show. Surrounded by my chosen family and the love of my life, I know that all of my tomorrows are brighter than I could have ever imagined.