The Things We Carry #2
"How could I ever be angry with my Tiger?"
"I feel your rage."
"This rage is for the world." He frowned. "This rage is for the fact that my Tiger had to sacrifice so much for us to win this war. You were the reason we won. There is no doubt in my mind."
I looked away. "I could have called you. . .I know that now. . .There was not any time, but. . .I knew you would say no. And there was this woman who saw timelines. And I knew that. . .even with the truth of those timelines you would want to try to save her. I wanted to save our baby. . ."
He crossed the last of the distance.
I tried to back away.
He pulled me into his arms.
“Kenji. . .”
He held me close to him. "How did it happen, Tora?"
I leaned my head against his chest. He was warm and smelled of expensive soap on the surface. Underneath the soap, smoked sandalwood and burnt ginger. Underneath that, the copper thread of a man who had walked out of blood and washed as much of it off as he could.
I shivered. "Why do you want to talk about this?"
"Because I think you were going to carry this alone. And that is what makes me angry most of all."
"I didn’t want you to know."
"Is that what we are?"
"Kenji. . ."
He pulled back from me, just enough that I had to look up at his face. His eyes held fury. "Never. . .keep anything like this from me. Never."
Tears spilled from my eyes.
“Never. . .” He raised his hands. His palms cradled the sides of my face. His thumb brushed the tears off my cheeks. "How did they do it, Tora?"
“Kenji. . .”
“Tell me. . .”
“Why?”
“I should know.”
My view of him became blurred from the tears. "There was a metal hook. And they. . .put it inside me. . ."
His eyes closed, and more rage rose through our bond. "Did they give you something for the pain?"
"No."
The rage shifted to a thundering storm, spilling out of me and filling up the entire room.
"Oh, Tora. . ." He pulled me back into his arms and held me tight.
Then, his grief poured into me along with his guilt and his helplessness.
And I knew he hated what was done to me. I knew he hated that he had not been there. I knew he hated that his body—trained, feared, and worshiped across this entire country—had not been the body between me and that hook.
"You were not supposed to bleed for us, Tora." His mouth was against my hair. "Not you. Not my Tiger. You were not supposed to feel any pain or lose our child for the sake of this fucking victory. This war was to protect you and keep our children safe. And I failed you."
"No. Don’t say that"
"I will spend the rest of my life making it up."
I buried my face against his chest and sobbed.
How long did we stand there?
With him holding me as I cried.
With his love and sadness wrapping us together.
The bond made it more intense. I could feel all the things he could not say because the pain of losing our daughter had crippled him. And I knew he no longer cared about the victory. His arms told me. His breath in my hair told me. The empire he had built with his teeth had gone quiet inside him.
Like I’d done in the forest. . .he did in this room. . .he mourned.
I wiped my tears away. "It was not your fault, Kenji."
"I will kill all of the Silent Ones—"
“You can’t. They’re your mother's people—"
"Then why do I feel like they betrayed me?"
"Kenji. . ."
"I love you, Tora." He slid his hands up to my braids. "And not just because you are mine. Not just because you are beautiful, sexy, and you make me feel so fucking good.”
I trembled in his hold.
“I love you because you taught me all the levels of love in every facet the human heart can create—love of family, love of strangers, love in sacrifice. . .”
I swallowed.
“You deserve better than me, but I will never let you go. I would kill over you again and again. There would be no escape. There could be no escape. Because you have my heart. My soul. My brain. My brother. My men.. My dragon-shadow. What am I without you? What is life if you’re not in front of me? "
More tears left my eyes. “Baby. . .”
“My parents kept secrets. We are not them. We don’t keep secrets. . .”
I closed my eyes.
“We don’t, Tora.”
“Okay.”
“And you are to never make a decision like that on your own and deal with all that fucking pain by yourself, I don’t care who is coming for us. I don’t care about how many enemies, let me fucking die before you—”
“No.” I opened my eyes. “No.”
“You weren’t supposed to bleed for us, Tora. We. . .were supposed to bleed for you.”
And then his all-consuming love roared through our bond.
It came like wildfire racing through a bone-dry forest, devouring every wall I'd built inside myself.
The inferno detonated the guilt. My fears curled inward and became smoke.
My grief shifted and glowed into dying embers that began to hiss and crack beneath the unbearable heat of his devotion.
One by one, those carefully stacked defenses surrendered to the blaze until nothing remained but us, standing in the burning aftermath.
The fire didn't consume my pain.
It burned beside it, fierce enough to keep me from freezing inside my own sorrow and his.