Chapter 49
Dain
“Ow!”
Gods, how I hated coming back here.
The rock wasn’t what had a much smaller, much younger version of me crying out in pain. The welt the projectile left on my arm stung fiercely, but welts would fade away, so would bruises. No, it was the look on my brothers’, my cousins’ faces. A vicious hunger I didn’t understand at all.
That was what hurt the most.
“Little beast,” John, my eldest brother, said, picking up another rock and throwing it at me.
They very rarely called me by my name. Beast, cretin, scum, thing—
“Pale as a ghost,” Aidan, my other brother, said, right before he joined in the games. “Wish you’d disappear like one.”
Run, I wanted to tell the much younger version of myself.
Get the hell away from them, but back then, freeze was the best strategy I could come up with.
Some animal part was sure if I made myself small enough, still enough, I’d fade into the white wall behind me and the people who were supposed to love and care for me would leave me alone.
“Rumour is your lady mother dallied with a revenant in the cemetery,” one of my cousins said with a grin, lobbing his own rock my way.
Making any sort of noise just seemed to egg them on so I stifled my yelp.
His brother came closer, picking up not one, not two, but three rocks before hefting one in his hand.
“That’s how she spat out a pale, malformed creature like Dain. ”
At the time, I struggled to understand any of this. What they were saying about Mother. Why they would take such pleasure in hurting me. My cousins all jeered as they went to throw their rocks my way.
“Don’t talk about Mother like that.”
When John stepped in between my cousins and me, for just a moment, I dared to think he would intervene on my behalf. The adult I was now marvelled at my own stupidity. Run! I told the little boy, because my brothers had never shown me a moment’s kindness and they wouldn’t today.
“It wasn’t an undead creature that created something like him,” Aidan said, coming to stand beside John before shooting me a dismissive look. “Dain’s just like those lambs that were born wrong too early in the spring.”
“The ones the shepherd had to knock on the head?” I went very still as my oldest cousin, Crispin, smiled. “Seems like we should do the same. Clear the family name of this shame.”
The lot of them turned to face me, so much bigger, taller, than I was.
All my life it was cruel pinches and rude shoves, but some animal part of me knew things were escalating.
Welts had risen all over my body, though it was only my arm that ached.
Their teeth flashed bright in the dappled sunlight, their eyes taking on the harsh cast my father’s hounds did, right as they were about to run a rabbit to ground.
“No…” I whispered, not wanting them to hear, but they did. “No.”
Speaking up, reacting was always a mistake. It gave them what they wanted. They punched and pummelled me, trying to drag out yet more squeaks of pain.
“What did you say, you wretched little whelp?” John strode closer.
“Who are you to say no to me?” He seemed so tall then, but I knew now if he’d grown to adulthood, I would’ve towered over him.
“I will be lord of this manor after Father, and then I will be responsible for the likes of you. A creature that has to be kept locked up for its own safety.”
That was true. Mother had banished me from the family home the first time I had a vision.
She heard my childish mutterings, then reported to my father when things happened just as I said.
Left to live in one of the worker’s cottages at the rear of the estate, a nurse cared for me until she couldn’t bear what she called my ‘unnatural nature.’ My family left me to my own devices, not really caring if I lived or died, but she—
“What’s going on?”
Ariadne was my father’s horse mistress. It wasn’t a role many women would take, but she was tall enough, strong enough, to wrangle the most unruly of stallions. She appeared now, dressed in leather armour that creaked as she crossed her arms.
“Nothing you need to bother yourself with, woman,” John said with a sneer.
My eyes flicked from one person to the next, wondering how this exchange would go. John was born to rule the estate, but even Father deferred to Ariadne. This felt like the meeting on an unstoppable force and an immovable object.
“If this is nothing, then you’d best be on your way then,” she said. John was about to protest, but she said then the magic words. “Milord wants the lot of you up at the big house.”
John held her gaze, his chin rising, but something in her eyes had him dropping his stones. I didn’t let out a full breath until the others followed suit. As they walked off, Aidan looked back at me.
“We’ll finish this later, little freak.”
Back then, I was just glad the pain had stopped. With my brothers gone, most people just ignored me or made a strange sign when I passed. Ariadne? She moved forward, hands outstretched, the way she did with unruly foals.
“What happened this time?”
Her voice was one part frustration, one part irritation, and I hated that. Not enough to refuse to take her hand when she reached out to take mine. My fingers linked with hers as she led me into the stables.
“What did they do this time?”
She picked me up and put me on a hay bale, but I remained resolutely silent as she inspected my wounds. Telling on my brothers made them ten times more vicious. With a nod, she noted the tight line of my mouth, but when she went to grab something from the tack room shelves, someone else joined us.
Mother.
I stared then through the eyes of my child self, taking in her fine features, the proud set of her head. She walked into the stables, pulling on her riding gloves without even a glance my way.
“Morning, Ariadne,” she said in a crisp tone. “Have one of the lads saddle up Princess for me, will you?”
“Of course, milady.” Ariadne bowed at the waist. “Forgive me for mentioning this, but I found young Dain down behind the stables. The other boys…”
Part of me wanted to tell Mother what happened.
It had to believe that if she knew what was going on, she’d be horrified.
But my family’s treatment of me had its origins somewhere and it all began with her.
Mother peered down at her nose at me. There was a coldness there I’d never seen in anyone else’s gaze.
Her brows drew down as she stepped closer, scanning my body, noting each welt.
“You’ve only got yourself to blame for this.” She so rarely spoke to me, my young heart took in every word, then started to ache when I understood what she was saying. “Stay away from my sons and you’ll…”
She didn’t bother to finish the sentence. Instead, she turned to face Ariadne.
“My horse?”
“Of course, milady.”
Ariadne performed a very proper bow, then called one of the stable boys over.
They saddled Mother’s horse and she pulled herself up onto Princess’ back, riding off without even a second glance my way.
I hadn’t cried when they pelted me with rocks.
A single tear rolled free now. The horse mistress noted that with a small frown, then went and got a tin off the shelf.
“Got a salve that will take the pain away.” Her voice took on a strange echo, as if two people were in the room, not one. “This will help, I promise.”
The smell of ice flower sap, dorne leaves, and firehead seeds filled my nose, and that wasn’t right. Ariadne’s muscle liniment stank of wintergreen. I frowned as she pulled my sleeve up, ignoring all the other welts to focus on my arm.
“No…” I squirmed, not wanting anymore pain. “Ariadne, no…!”
My eyes flicked open and through my panting breaths, I saw someone else bent over me.
Fern looked too pale. Flames flickered behind me, but I couldn’t feel their warmth. Just her fingers. As gentle as they were, the pain had my teeth grinding together. Right as a scream built in my chest, a blessed numbness spread.
“I made a salve.” Her words came out in a messy tumble, as if she was scared I’d interrupt.
“A herbalist showed me how. After spending so much time in the fields, sketching plants, she decided I should know what they could be used for. Thought I was some local village girl. I’ve never had to actually make it, but I think it will help. ”
Her fingers dabbed carefully at my wound, but there was no need. The arm had gone completely numb, which meant I could now look down at it. The skin was pocked by red weeping holes left by dragon breath.
I’m sorry, brother. Argent shuffled closer. You moved too fast, and I was trying to get us out of the cave.
You aren’t to blame, I assured him, frowning as I stared at Fern
“I’m fine,” I said, then tried to push the blankets away, but just like in my dream, I was as weak as a kitten. That had my teeth locking tight. “I don’t need your help.”
“But I need to do something.” When she sat back on her heels, I couldn’t help but follow the movement. “This is all my fault.”
Yes, that, I wanted to grab this show of vulnerability and grind it back into her face until Fern was forced to pull away.
So why didn’t I?
I saw visions all the time, but I don’t think that’s what this was.
A wounded look, the way she would draw back as if stung.
I saw shadows of my child self in that, and it turns out I really wasn’t a true born son of the house of Corven.
There was nothing in me that would take pleasure in another’s pain.
“My arm is fine,” I said in a curt tone. “I don’t feel anything other than being too hot.”
“But you must stay warm.” She pulled my bedding higher, which drew a hiss of frustration from me. “I know it seems counterintuitive, but with the amount you are sweating, you could catch a chill.”
“Gods, woman…”
My growl was usually enough to have every bastard backing away, but Fern didn’t have the sense the gods gave a cat.
She was wringing out a cloth over a bowl of water, then moving behind me.
My protests died in my throat as she grasped my head firmly, then placed it in her lap.
Before I could pull away, the cool cloth wiped all the sweat and grime away.
For a moment, all I could do was stare up at the night sky in incomprehension.
Pity, I realised, that’s what this had to be, because no one touched me willingly, and that had my head jerking upwards.
“I don’t need—!”
“I need to make you feel better.” Her small voice silenced me. “Please.”
I’d spent far too long trying to understand my brothers.
Watching people interact, searching for the patterns that would explain that persistent need for cruelty.
It didn’t make sense then, and it didn’t now.
That soft look in her eyes, the way she pleaded.
Gods help me, but my head dropped back into her lap.
How the hell did men bear to be touched by a woman?
I thought as my eyes fell closed. Fellows at the tavern talked long and hard about their sexual exploits, but they never described anything like this.
It felt like every nerve ending came alive, except for my arm.
I needed her salve slathered all over me, to dull them all, lest I get lost in the gentle rills of pleasure that washed through me.
Rest, brother.
Argent’s command had my eyes falling closed. I didn’t want them to. The lids fluttered, trying to stare up at Fern, but my dragon saved me from the shame of begging the girl to keep stroking my hair.
Just.
Like.
That…
You know when the sun is just the right temperature? Warm enough to have you feeling perfectly comfortable, but not so hot as to burn. It felt like I bathed in a cloud of lazy golden light. My breath escaped me in a languorous hiss.
But I wasn’t alone.
Her hands smoothed down my cheeks, her thumbs brushing the tops of my cheekbones before pulling back to rake through my hair. That was enough to have my heart racing. Open your eyes, I thought furiously. Open them and see who…
This had to be a dream, I realised, just not a true one.
Why else would Fern be dressed in a pretty blue dress rather than her uniform?
She smiled down at me, reaching up to stroke another hand through my hair as hers hung loose around her shoulders.
I couldn’t stop staring as it swayed with her every movement, until finally they fell still.
“Don’t stop.” My tone was too harsh, my words too desperate. “Please…”
My throat bobbed as her smile widened. Surely this would be the moment when she pressed her advantage. Fern had unmanned me completely, but no. She just shook her head and then went back to work combing my hair straight.
“You’re like some big cat,” she said, “climbing into my lap and insisting I give you a pat. Will you purr for me?”
Her tone was light, teasing, but still I shifted restlessly.
“If that’s what you want.”
I sounded stiff, terse, and somehow I knew that was not right. Fern gave me so much pleasure. If she wanted me to make noises like a cat… My tongue felt too big for my mouth as I tried to make the vibrating sound.
“Are you…?” My eyes flicked open at the sound of her laugh.
This was what I had expected all along. I’d misread the cues, done something— “Oh, Dain.” She leaned down, getting closer and closer and didn’t that have my heart racing?
A kiss was pressed to my lips, then she pulled away again.
There was nothing in her face that indicated that her mouth burned at the contact, just a gentle smile. “You are so sweet.”
Sweet? I’d been called so many things before, but never that. Her words, her hands, they filled me so completely with a feeling I wasn’t too familiar with, so it took me a little time to recognise it.
Joy.
This wasn’t a true dream. It couldn’t be, but for just this moment, I’d pretend it was as I dropped deeper into sleep.