Chapter Eighteen #3
“You’ll do fine,” Pax murmurs, stepping close again. “We’re all here for you, Nessie.” It’s as if he can read my mind and knows I want to lean into him, hug him, hold him.
But I can’t.
“I know, Pax, but I’m pretty sure my sister just not-so-subtly declared she’s going to kill me,” I mutter, before remembering that my ladies might be gossips at best, traitors at worst. How do I know they’re not going to conveniently dispose of me to put Shynia on the throne?
They’ve known her for winged-lions-only-know how long.
And then there’s Sinetar, who looks at me like he’d like to rip off my clothes and devour me alive, whether or not he’s allowed to touch me. Shynia addressed him by occupation, with no honorific, so I assume he’s as low status as Pax and therefore as forbidden to “taint my royal blood.”
Still, he’s from the Wysongue court. He knew all along about the queen, about my dragon blood. She sent him to educate me before I arrived. Which means he belongs here, with the queen. Same as True. They’ve all been around each other for a very long time. Who know what alliances exist between them?
Pax’s hand finds mine and squeezes. He’s been lying to me for the past, oh, fifteen years.
I want to trust him, my heart does. But my head keeps going back and forth.
What was real, and what was he ordered to do?
Did he really want to be friends with me all those years, include me in games with the other boys?
Or was it an obligation? My mind is swinging one way and then the other at a sickening pace.
“I could use a little quiet time to rest,” I say, detaching my hand from Pax’s grip. “This is a lot to process. Two weeks ago, I was a human. Today I’m a dragon, and a princess, and people want to kill me.”
I’ve been in this palace for two weeks, maybe longer.
I’m not even sure how much time passed while I was unconscious.
Does my family even know I’m gone? If so, waht do they think happened to me?
Did someone notify them, or leave them to go out of their minds with worry that I disappeared without a trace?
It’s certainly not rare in the world I grew up in, even with humans.
In poor little villages like ours, life is rough for everyone.
With so many supernaturals and humans sharing the same world, our coexistence is peaceful less often than not.
There are many smaller cities, nations, and clans, and though dragons are supposed to keep order for all, now that they’re so scarce, wars break out more than they used to.
When we reach my door, I turn and take a deep breath. “Thank you,” I say. “For escorting me. But now I’m back at my room, and I think I’ll just do some thinking. Surely I can’t hurt myself doing that.”
“Nessie,” Pax says, giving me a pleading look. “We’re not allowed to leave you alone.”
“What if you checked out the room and just gave me a couple minutes,” I say, pressing my palm to his chest.
“I’m sorry. I can’t leave you alone. Not ever,” he says softly, his eyes locked on mine. I don’t know if he means that they can’t because they’re not allowed to, or if he can’t because he needs me the way I need him. My gut twists inside me despite my tumult of emotions.
I nod, not trusting my voice.
“Let me take care of you,” he says. “When you’re settled with a good book, I’ll wait outside your door. Ready in case you need anything…” His voice trails off, and I swear he’s asking more than if I’ll need a book. He’s asking if I’ll need him to hold me.
I do. But I know that one thing would lead to another, like it has the last few times, and I’d want so much more.
What if we did it? Even if I got pregnant—egged?—it would be a dragon, as capable of becoming queen as any other.
But what will they do to him if he breaks the law that way? What will they do if my babies aren’t hatched with the queen’s pure royal blood?
I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner. If Pax and I had taken this chance before I “had my first heat,” as Sinetar explained, there would be no repercussions.
Now that I know so much, it’s hard to believe the truth staring back at me. After all those years of thinking maybe one day he’d notice me, it turns out he did. But now, it doesn’t matter anymore. We can never be together in that way.
The sting of that loss burns fresh in my heart again.
“I’ll wait in here too,” Master Sinetar says.
“If you have any questions, I’d be happy to educate you.
” He doesn’t say it in his suggestive way, but the words trigger a stirring sensation low in my belly.
It’s like my lady-business has an automatic reaction to Sinetar’s voice—one word and I’m soaked.
“And I suppose you’re going to stick around too?” I ask True.
“I’ll be here,” he says, crossing his arms over his broad chest and frowning at the other two. “If anything were to happen, I want to be able to protect you.”
“I wouldn’t want to impede your job,” I say, trying to keep the bitter note from my voice.
“Of course, your majesty,” True says with a slight bow.
I wish he’d cut that out.