Chapter 9 #3
“I will provide the jewelry, then. I’m sure my wife has pearls in her collection somewhere she won’t mind me making off with for tomorrow. I recommend you pick the cutest of the baby alligators for your demonstration. Shock value is important for things like this.”
That it was. “With that important business done, can I interest you gentlemen in a full tour of the estate? It’s much easier to go through the entire place while on horseback, and a tired colt can’t cause me a fuss when it’s time to put him in the barn for the night.”
“He’ll calm down soon enough,” Lucifer promised. “He’s already accepting his new circumstances, and Zenzi will take care of settling him properly.”
I slid off Conquest’s back, went to the nurse mare, and kissed her nose and praised her. “I don’t care what Lucifer says, if you like it here, you don’t have to go back to that mean old bastard’s house.”
“Hey,” my boss complained.
I gave the hellish horse another kiss to her nose. “I’ll love her the best.”
Lucifer sighed. “Can I at least have visiting rights?”
“Sure. You can have visiting rights, and you can even take her on playdates so she can visit her friends, but you have to bring her back—and you have to wait until the colt is properly weaned and I have him in my stud pasture. Which reminds me, I need the shenanigans on the street to end by noon. I have to figure out where my stud pasture is going and start laying down the groundwork so the studs don’t fight each other. ”
I also needed to do work for Lucifer so the dragon might pause and think before devouring me and using my bones as toothpicks.
“You have the entirely wrong idea about how that works,” the Devil informed me.
“Leave me to my delusions!” I scolded, gave Zenzi another pet, and vaulted back onto Conquest. “If you’re mean to me, I will definitely tell Isaac he should never make you peach or pecan pie.”
“I said you should be more selfish, not meaner than my wife when she gets started.”
“Keep complaining, and I’ll tell you exactly what it won’t win you, and it’s peach or pecan pie.”
To my amusement, Lucifer shut up, giving me a chance to show Yuless my property, introduce him to the numerous alligators, snapping turtles, and other wild denizens living along the edges, and show him my orchard, which would begin offering me fruit and ushering in produce chaos soon enough.
I ended the tour with the livestock, where I blabbed about how I hoped to turn my little slice of heaven into a proper self-sustaining homestead once I shared my bounties with my neighbors without the nasty pieces on the far end of the street driving me absolutely wild.
The Devil snickered at my commentary, and he said, “You could probably convince the dragon to devour them and use their bones as toothpicks.”
I heaved a sigh. “What does it say about me that while I complain, I’d probably miss those mean old biddies?”
“Crazy comes to mind, but it’s a good crazy, so it’s fine.
” Lucifer, who had opted to walk the instant we’d started the livestock portion of the tour, crouched down and scooped up my frizzle, who snuggled with zero evidence of fearing the biggest baddy of the universe. “What are you going to name her?”
“Joy, because that’s what she brings wherever she goes.”
“It suits her. I like it. She’s going to give you days where you regret not having named her Tyrant or Asshole, but she will bring you joy even when she’s driving you wild.”
I grinned. “What does it say about me that I am thinking about putting a sign on my gate that informs anyone that I will commit a few felonies should anyone hurt any of the animals in my care?”
“Please do not notify anyone that you fully intend on committing felonies. It would make my job as your attorney harder.”
I stared at him. “You’re my attorney?”
“I am, yes. It’s a hiring perk. It’s just not written into the contract because I enjoy the moment of true terror when it dawns on my latest victim that they have to put up with me in court.”
I wondered if heaven could help me, because I doubted any force on Earth could.
Accepting I had made some poor choices in my life, I bowed my head.
“Just please do not steal my chicken. I love her, and she sleeps in my bedroom with me now. I will be completely heartbroken when she grows old and dies.”
When I raised my head, Lucifer considered my chicken with interest. “For a chicken, she’s rather angelic in nature, so this is not a problem I can solve.
However, I bet I could convince my old man to deal with that.
He has a soft spot for the small, and I’m sure my wife could use another devilish fish.
Her beloved fish have spawned a new favorite.
” The Devil handed me Joy, and without another word, he vanished.
“Please don’t mind him,” I requested of Yuless. “He’s a little crazy, but he means well.”
“A little?” the tall, dark, and handsome replied in an amused tone.
“Okay, he’s a lot crazy, but I was trying to be nice.”
“Don’t bother with trying to be nice to that one. The more you make it hurt, the happier he gets.”
Well, that explained a few things. “Can I interest you in a tour of the house?”
“Absolutely. Did I really hear you right that you got this entire property for only three hundred thousand?”
“You did,” I replied, and proud of my acquisition, I guided him to the barn to release the beasts while telling him the story of how I’d come to own the sprawling estate and manor on a lake in Florida known to have a bit of a dragon problem.