Chapter 25 #2
I lifted my head and regarded him with wide eyes. “I bet we could get an entire supply of winged squeaky toys in the form of demons, devils, and fucking assholes who have lost the Devil’s favor.”
A pop announced the arrival of a hellish guest. Yuless’s black beauty squealed and kicked at our visitor.
Lucifer wisely dodged, and he conjured a treat to earn the mare’s forgiveness, which she accepted. “You want to do what to whom?”
I burst into laughter and brought him up to speed on our conversation.
“I’m refusing your kind invitation to serve as your winged squeaky toy, but if you want to take your groom on a date to punt sentient beings into your lake so they can be ambushed non-lethally by your adoring swarm of alligators, might I recommend the twenty-two dragons loitering at your manor?
Perhaps show some mercy on the castle’s owner, as he has been punted plenty already. ”
I couldn’t deny I’d taken more than a few frustrations out on my boss. “Maybe I overdid punting him a little, but it’s so much fun, Lucy.”
“I do believe that’s why he tolerates you grabbing him, dragging him to the lake, and sending him home with a little more force than most prefer.”
I shrugged. “Gabriel coerced me into going on a date with Yuless, and he has picked a restaurant. Apparently, he’s providing appropriate attire. I’m not sure how he’s going to handle all this while tending to my horses.”
“Darlene is handling the attire, and he delegated the transportation to me,” Lucifer confessed.
“Under normal circumstances, I would have declined, but the last thing I need is most of the women in my life sobbing because a baby horse perished. As such, I’m distracting most of the women in my life while my brother makes certain the baby horse is cared for, and as my brother cannot be in multiple places at once, he turned me into a mule. ”
I would need to thank Gabriel somehow later. “I don’t suppose you can help me figure out how to date? I went on like one in high school, and the boy just wanted some sex, which I declined through the use of my knee.”
Yuless sighed. “I wouldn’t be interested in dating in your shoes, either.”
“I want to say I got over it, but I clearly did not.”
“I recommend therapy,” the Devil stated, and he patted my shoulder.
“But speaking of dates, apparel, and transportation, you’re going to have to put your horse in her stall now and get ready to go.
Darlene has finalized her decisions on what you both will be wearing and has appropriated them in the correct sizes. Once you’re dressed, you’ll head out.”
“Can we release the female beasts in one pasture and the male beasts in another?” I asked. “I’d rather not keep them in stalls unless necessary.”
“They’ll be moved out to the pasture once you’re on your way to your date and I’ve assigned appropriate guards for them. There’s so much temptation in my fields right now it’s enough to drive me into acts of blatant theft.”
“Steal any of my horses and Darlene is going to have to reassemble you like you’re a bloody puzzle,” I replied in a cold tone.
“Your horses are safe. This little lady?”
“I’ll hold you down for her while she dismantles you,” Yuless stated, his voice a match for mine.
Lucifer laughed. “Spoken like a true horse owner, and you’ve only gotten started. Good job. I will invite Hagnar over to help transport everybody to Florida. That way, you two can enjoy yourselves tonight without having to worry about heading back here. Keys, please.”
Heaving a sigh, I went to my purse, which I’d stashed out of the reach of bored horses, grabbed my keys, and tossed them his way, keeping the primary house fob so I could get back into my home.
“Please don’t lose them, damage my truck, or hurt my horses.
If you can’t get the gate fob to work, just use the intercom.
Assuming I’m not shitfaced by the time you arrive or sleeping off being shitfaced, I’ll even let you in. ”
Lucifer raised a brow. “Why are you going to be shitfaced?”
“That is how confident I am about my ability to make a mess of a date. Once I make a mess of the date, I’m going to be drinking away my sorrows.”
“Should you be saying this in front of the man you’ll be dating?”
I bowed my head. “Honestly, I’ll be relying on him to make it home after completely humiliating myself and drinking away my sorrows.”
Lucifer made a thoughtful sound. “Well, I’m sure Gabriel intended to do a good deed for you, Yuless, but it seems you’re going on a date with disaster. I wish you the best of luck. You’re going to need it.”
“Honestly, I’m amazed that someone who is as confident as Crystal is even capable of suffering through such self-esteem problems. Actually, I’m a little alarmed.”
“She has two modes of operation: confident or wallowing in pity over her position as last place in everything dealing with life. Just be glad her self-esteem woes seem to mostly deal with her dating life.”
“You should sacrifice yourself and be our squeaky toy; maybe if she’s punting you into the lake, she’ll forget about her self-esteem woes,” Yuless suggested.
“How about I take you straight to hell and give you a collection of fucking assholes who are there with me because they abused animals, conjure lava alligators with zero interest in cuddling, and let you handle their punishment as your evening activity after dinner? Then you can take her to the gemstone fields and streams to see if you can find anything. I’ll point you at one of the challenging spots that requires some luck to find something so you’re not done in five minutes. ”
I sniffled, went for the box of tissues, and blew my nose. “I’m going to blame the rescues for my unstable condition.”
Yuless came over, plucked a collection of tissues from the box, folded them, and put them in his pocket.
“There is nothing wrong with having emotions. Frankly, the only reason I didn’t cry over them is that I prefer to do my crying where nobody can catch me doing it.
Later, I probably will shed more than a few tears over them.
No matter how they came to be in that state, it was not fair. ”
Life rarely was, and I reminded myself I did what little I could on a daily basis to make life a little more fair to my neighbors.
“As far as I’m concerned, they’ve prepaid for luxury accommodations, the best treats money can buy, and the opportunity to be happy horses in my fields.
I will also destroy anyone who even thinks of trying to take either one from me.
Those horses stay with me until their dying day. ”
“Watch what you wish for,” Lucifer warned. “You might get it—and their dying day might take a lot longer to come than you realize.”
“Well, good! They can mow down my pasture for all eternity. Your threats are not at all threatening. Are you sure you’re actually the Devil? You’re just a goth angel in a phase right now.”
Lucifer clutched at his chest and played at having a heart attack while Yuless gaped at me with both brows raised. “That was startlingly vicious.”
“I haven’t even gotten started yet. Let’s go find Darlene, get changed, and get this date started. Otherwise, I’m just going to verbally assault the Devil until he runs away crying.”
“We could just start our date with abusing Lucifer. That does sound like fun.”
“I mean, we could, but if we actually send him packing while in tears, Darlene is going to wonder what we did to him, we’ll spend all night being absolutely worshipped, and I can’t deal with her worshipping me today.
After our date and our session punting fucking assholes into fire and feeding them to lava alligators, we’ll head to my place and cuddle with the kittens.
” The kittens had grown up to be twice the size of house cats, lived to hunt any pests bold enough to test my wards, and otherwise lounged about the house enriching the lives of those fortunate enough to behold them.
“Sateen would love if you come into her domain so she can sleep on you.”
Of my four beasts, the smallest of the black kittens lived for when Yuless came over and graced her with even a minute of his time.
Mistofees, Purrcifur, and Beelzipurr tended to ghost my heels, prowl the property and remind the residents they were the rulers of the place, and otherwise earn their keep through being wretchedly adorable.
Lucifer grumbled a rather long string of profanities. “Did you have to name every single one of your pets some horribly mangled version of my name?”
“Yes. They love it. Sometimes, you show up when I’m calling them for supper, and they love when you come over. You wouldn’t want to ruin their happiness, would you?”
“I absolutely would.”
I huffed, lifted my chin, and helped Yuless prepare the mare to go to her stall. “Deal with it. If you had wanted a meek minion, you would have picked somebody else.”
“Oh, Yuless. That reminds me. What are my odds of convincing Hagnar to go on a date?”
Yuless narrowed his eyes, grabbed his mare’s lead line, clipped it into place, and released her from the cross ties. “They’re better than you expect, but it would take the perfect woman—and she has to deal with his quirks and hobbies. Good luck with that. Why are you asking?”
“There’s a woman similar to Ashley who needs a gentle hand, but once the gentle hand has cultivated her, he needs to be able to deal with a great deal of spice and fire.
She’s not a human, but she has no idea she’s not a human, so I’d want to broach the subject with him first. I don’t mean literal fire.
She’s just going to push the limits because she can.
I wasn’t able to find an appropriate pair of starter seeds, so I’m hunting for a target for her. ”