Chapter 17
Ikiss Ava and Vos, their little scales bigger and softer than before. The two baby dragons must be growing as well, but seeing them daily makes it impossible to notice.
When I’m outside the room, I feel my core sore, and think back to my night with Alayel. It was good, and I obviously wanted it, and yet… Something was missing, except that I don’t know what. The romance, maybe?
With Marcus, sex never felt like its own thing. It was part of something greater. Last night felt like sex for the sake of sex. I’m not ashamed, nor do I regret it, and yet I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I climb up to the washroom, where I clean my body carefully, ensuring to get rid of all the smell of the baby dragons, even if I adore them, even if my numbed nose cannot recognize their scent. Something in this castle is blocking my sense of smell, and I still don’t understand what.
When I get to my bedroom, Celine’s waking up, but Nelly’s not there.
“Had a good night?” Celine eyes me with curiosity.
“Yes. I was with Alayel.” At least that makes more sense than explaining the hatchlings.
“Oooh. Again? Nice.”
I blink, unsure if she thought I’d be with another man, but maybe I’d rather not know. “Where’s Nelly?”
Celine shrugs. “Not sure.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to leave our dorm.”
She narrows her eyes, but her tone is playful. “Oh, did you?”
“I mean… I was under the impression I was misbehaving or something.”
“I can’t attest to that. Now, what I know is that they lock the dorm entry doors, so you can’t be wandering around the academy, but I don’t think they check where everyone’s sleeping.”
“And you have no idea where Nelly is.”
“None.” She lifts a shoulder, then says, “Ready for breakfast?”
“Sure.”
We descend to the refectory, and Nelly soon joins us at our table, keeping her whereabouts a secret. I tell her about Alayel, and she thankfully doesn’t tease me.
“I won’t study with you today,” Celine tells me. “I’ll be at the Outer Hill, flying.”
“Lucky you,” I mutter without thinking.
She looks down. “Right.”
I know she’s not excited about her class and doesn’t want to fly, but training sounds wonderful, and I wish I had the chance to experience that—without dragons, of course. But there won’t be any dragons today.
“It will be fine.” I give her an encouraging smile.
“We’ll start jumping soon too.” Nelly is stirring her juice and turns to me. “You’re the only lucky recruit here.”
“It’s not her fault,” Celine says before I can even figure out how to reply. “And she’s nuts enough that she wants to fly. So we’re all out of luck, in a way.”
A short laugh escapes my lips, even if I’m not amused.
It must be horrible to have to sign up for the Sky Academy just because you don’t have any better options, and even worse to be forced to risk your life—but I can’t change that, and I don’t want to say that I feel sorry for them. Maybe I know what to say.
“You’re here, you’re trying, and you’ll survive. We’ll survive.”
“May Foros help us.” Nelly takes a long sip of her drink.
“And Cardiana too!” Celine’s eyes brighten. “Her festival is in three weeks. We’ll have a ball.”
The Goddess of Love festival. I used to like it when I was a young child.
They had red bows, red candy, and I got to wear a pretty red dress, but later my mother was buried in grief and kept us locked indoors when the festivals happened.
With Laristella, I was too busy working, though I did go to see the festivities in the city.
In one of them, Marcus told me he loved me.
And it was a lie.
Now, to make matters worse, Mallor said he will reassess my position in the academy during Cardiana’s Festival, and I hope he doesn’t change his mind and sends me to a distant outpost or returns me to the cleaning crew.
“You two.” Celine grimaces. “You’re acting like it’s some kind of celebration for Thantos.”
My body shrinks as if I could make myself small and disappear. “I don’t have good memories of it. My mother… didn’t like it.”
“Did your father drink?” Celine asks me, her voice low, concern in her blue eyes.
“He died when I was young,” I lie.
“Oh.” Celine nods. “That makes sense. Sorry… I’ve heard of men… drinking… and bad things happening. But I’m glad it wasn’t the case, even if… Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I shake my head.
Nelly then sighs. “When I was younger, I was told to make offers to Cardiana. Bracelets, pretty shells, flowers. I don’t think it works.”
“You were young,” I say. “You’re still young. There’s time.”
Celine rolls her eyes. “Not to mention your mysterious companion, Nelly.”
Nelly looks at her cup, her composure somber. “I suppose. For now, I’d truly prefer a festival for Thantos. See if he can spare us.”
“No, no, no.” Celine taps on the table. “We’ll wear red and have fun.”
I grin at her. “We will.”
We get up some time later, as Nelly has a self-defense class and Celine will go with her group to the Outer Hill.
I’m a little disappointed that Alayel was not here, but I suppose I’ll see him later.
And there’s something else I need to do. I take a deep breath, gather some courage, and climb the stairs, meaning to go to Commander Mallor’s office.
I have to tell someone about that staff—not all the details, like the creepy visions, obviously—but I need to let them know that the artifact could be dangerous.
As I’m getting to his floor, someone calls me from a few steps below.
“Mayara?”
That voice, that tone bring me so many memories that a knot forms in my throat—a clump of unsaid words. But we were never meant to last. Why should I have any feelings?
I turn and see Marcus, climbing up to meet me.
“Can we talk for a moment?” he asks. “In private?”
“Won’t your friend mind?”
He frowns. “Obviously not. Are you worried about your friend? The bastard? He’s not around.”
The way he refers to Alayel puts me on edge, and yet I have no reason to refuse to talk to him.
“Fine. Where?”
“Follow me.” He climbs the steps one more floor, then opens the door leading to the hallway.
We pass by a few doors, then he opens one, some kind of office with a desk, some chairs, and a beautiful painting of a dragon.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“Somewhere we won’t be bothered,” he says as he locks the door.
If this wasn’t Marcus, I would be afraid to be alone with a man in a strange, locked room, but I know him too well for that.
He crosses his arms and stands before me. “Is it true? You never got my letters?” There’s no anger in his voice, just curiosity, pointed by a tinge of sadness, and I realize he wants to finish the conversation we started at the star nectar party, when Alayel interrupted us.
“I never got anything.” And I’m still not sure if he’s even telling the truth. “Did you write to me?”
I had no idea he could even write, but I’m not going to say that and offend him even more.
He rests his forehead in his hand and takes the deepest, saddest breath I’ve ever seen anyone take.
“Not many letters, I suppose. At first, I told you how things were going, how I was adapting. I thought you’d want to know.
I took note of everything. Anything that could help you survive, help you do well here, since you wanted it so much.
I was sure you’d apply again. I knew you’d get in.
You weren’t replying, and I figured you were busy.
I asked you if you’d like to see me on my day off.
And the answer never came. It never came. ”
I take in his words, and something still doesn’t make sense. “Couldn’t you have passed by the restaurant? It’s not far.”
“I feared you didn’t want to see me.” His voice breaks.
It breaks something inside me as well. All this time, I thought he had forgotten me, thought he deemed himself too important for me…
and he was writing letters? But it makes no sense.
Maybe I want to believe he’s lying, so that the version of events I’ve clung to for the last year makes sense, so that the person I became when he left stays intact.
“Where did you send them?” I ask. “How did you…”
“The academy has a message service. Letters to villages far away are sent only once a month, but to Dracolius City, they send them twice a week. I sent them to your restaurant, Mayara.”
I look at the wooden floor, at the tiny gaps between the wood panes. “I never got anything.”
He nods and closes his eyes. “It doesn’t make sense. Why?”
I’m glad I can focus on solving this question, on finding this answer, rather than having to figure out how I feel.
Only one possibility crosses my mind. “Laristella might have hidden the letters.”
He huffs in disbelief. “She adores you, Mayara!”
“But she didn’t want me to join the academy. Perhaps she thought that if I didn’t know anyone here…”
“It wasn’t her. But I… don’t know. Don’t understand.” He runs a hand through his golden hair and swallows. “I thought… you had… moved on. Gotten tired of me. And yet I didn’t understand why I didn’t deserve the courtesy of a single note. A single goodbye. Were we that meaningless to you?”
“I thought the same. And I didn’t understand.”
He lets out a bitter chuckle. “You can’t really think I would just… walk away? Why would I do that?”
Because he never loved me, never cared for me. At least it’s what I always told myself. I shrug. “Why would I not answer your letters?”
The pain in his eyes is the answer I need.
Similar doubts. Similar fears. He shakes his head.
“I’m sorry. Sorry I thought the worst of you.
And if you’ve ever spent a night wondering, like I did, wondering and asking why, let me tell you.
I did love you. I would have married you and would have been happy, even if I kept working with my family, if you kept working at the restaurant. You were all I wanted.”