28
Maeve
I HATED MYSELF FOR the words long after he’d left the room.
Not because I didn’t understand why he’d said them.
That was the worst part.
I understood, and still, I’d offered him exactly that.
A secret.
Something tucked away behind closed doors. Something that could exist only when nobody was looking.
My chest tightened beneath the duvet.
I turned onto my side and pulled the blanket higher.
It wasn’t what I’d meant.
Of course it wasn’t.
I’d meant time.
I wanted time.
Time to figure out how to stand on my own without my father’s words stretching across every decision I made. Time to build something that belonged to me before he had the opportunity to take it away. Time to see if we could really work. Time to convince myself that he wasn’t like my father.
But none of that changed how it had sounded.
I want you, but only where nobody can see you.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Pathetic.
I had spent my entire life terrified that I would be someone people didn’t choose, and now I’d managed to make him feel exactly that.
The thought followed me into sleep.
It waited beneath it.
Then pulled me under.
“DON'T LEAVE ME!” I woke screaming.
My chest heaved, and for one horrible second, the nightmare didn't release me.
I couldn't breathe.
My heart hammered so violently it hurt.
“Mum?” The word escaped before I could stop it.
Then my door opened. “Maeve?”
Rihaan. Cabin. Our talk.
Everything came back crashing.
He crossed the room immediately.
“Hey. Hey, look at me.”
I couldn't. The walls seemed too close. The air felt too thick.
He crouched in front of me. “Breathe.”
I shook my head.
“Try, please.” His voice stayed low.
Steady.
He reached for my hand.
I grabbed it.
Hard.
His fingers closed around mine. “I'm here.”
I tried.
In.
Out.
Nothing.
My stomach rolled violently.
I covered my mouth. “I'm going to be sick.”
He was already moving. “Come on.”
He helped me out of bed and towards the bathroom.
I barely made it.
I knelt beside the toilet, shaking, while he crouched behind me.
His hand moved slowly through my hair as he held them back.
I retched until my stomach cramped, though there was barely anything left in it.
When it finally stopped, I leaned against him.
Humiliation burned beneath my skin. “I'm sorry.”
He frowned. “For what?”
“Waking you.”
“You didn’t.”
I looked at him.
He was already emptying the glass that sat by the sink.
“I was awake.”
I frowned. “Why?”
He didn't answer.
He held the water out instead.
I drank a little.
When he continued to refuse me to answer, I finally pushed myself up and rinsed my mouth. Turning, I found him leaning against the door frame watching me intently. “I’m okay now. I told you, this happens…a lot.”
“Nightmare?”
I nodded.
He frowned.
I forced a small smile. “I am okay. You can go back to your non sleeping activities.”
His lips pressed together.
He looked like he wanted to ask something. Instead, he nodded once. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
He gave me one final look before turning and walking out the door.
I tried going back to sleep again, spending most of the next half hour tossing and turning. Grabbing the phone, that still felt strange in my hand, I glanced at the time.
02:39 AM
I’d barely slept two hours since my conversation with Rihaan earlier. Giving up the idea of sleep altogether, I finally pushed myself up. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going on the hunt for.
Maybe it had been Rihaan. Or, maybe, I just wanted to find a distraction. Or at the very least, the WiFi password.
Something that would take my mind off my parent’s, and everything that had happened between me and Rihaan.
This cycle we just couldn’t seem to escape.
Stopping in the kitchen, I glanced at the two frames that sat in the corner.
A picture of what looked like the Patel siblings, with their Mum.
But, if I hadn’t known that before—known any of them before, I could mistake their Mum for Raina.
It was uncanny how much they looked alike.
Behind it sat a frame with just her, and a small baby.
The curls had been enough to tell me who it was.
He still smiled the same.
I jumped when his voice came from the shadows. “You okay?”
I pressed a hand against my chest. “Jesus.”
He was lying across the sofa, one arm behind his head, staring at me. “You scared me.”
“Sorry.”
I looked at him. “You're sleeping down here?”
I could see the hesitation in him, even from here. “Yeah.”
“Why?”
He didn't answer immediately, his eyes moving to the ceiling.
I closed the gap between us.
“Well, for starters, this sofa is far more comfortable than the leather one.”
“And, mostly, because?” I prompted.
“The only other clean room in this place, belonged to my parents—well, my Mum.” Something softened in his face.
“It's been almost ten years. But the housekeepers my brother hired kept everything exactly as it was. Her clothes are still in there. The books beside the bed. Her perfume. The stupid little lamp she always complained didn’t work, but loved. I can literally feel her everywhere in that room. And it’s making it hard for me to breathe. ”
He looked towards the dark hallway.
“And I don’t think I can sleep in there alone yet.”
Something squeezed around my heart.
“You don’t have to.”
He looked at me.
“Come with me.” I offered him a hand.
“What?”
“C’mon. We’ve shared a bed before. It’s not anything strange.”
A tightening at the corner of his mouth. A brief hesitation in his eyes, like something inside him had stepped back before I even finished speaking.
“Maeve…”
My name sounded like a warning in his voice.
Or maybe a plea.
I swallowed.
“Just for tonight. We can do something about it in the morning, but I can’t let you sleep on that. Do you really want a lecture about your shoulder at three in the morning?” I leaned forward slightly, frustration threading through the concern now.
“Okay,” he finally said.
And that was it.
The walk back to the room was quiet, but I slipped under the duvet first, instinctively choosing the side I’d been sleeping in before pulling the fabric up around me like armour I didn’t need anymore but still reached for anyway.
He stayed at the doorway for a second longer than necessary.
I looked at him. “You’re making this weird.”
His eyes flicked to me. “I’m not.”
“You are.” A pause. “Do you want a pillow fort tonight too?”
That made something in me loosen.
A real smile this time. “No point. You’d kick it away again.”
“How do you know it wasn’t you? Didn’t you say that I slept like the dead?”
“Maeve. You’ve woken up twice in the last five hours alone. I think I may have caught you on a rut day.”
It was you. I wanted to say.
“It was probably the meds,” I said. “But the points still holds.”
He shook his head before taking his jumper off and settling under the duvet. “Go to sleep.”
“Fine. Good night.”
“Sweet dreams, Maeve.” He whispered softly.
I waited until his breathing evened out before opening my eyes back. There was no chance I could sleep, but at least I could make sure he had the rest he deserved.
Five minutes turned ten, and then fifteen. Tossing onto my side, I tried to get comfortable.
And maybe, watch him.
I was aware I was being a creep, but it was then I realise how sometimes you’re willing to take something little when you realise it’s all you’ll ever have.
But when I finally flicked my gaze to him, I noticed he was already looking at me.
Completely still.
Like he’d been waiting.
My breath caught slightly as he reached out to move a hair strand. “Can’t sleep?”
I sighed, a moment of rare honesty seeping through at his touch. “I’m scared.”
I felt him getting closer. “Of what?”
“Slipping back into my nightmare.”
He caressed my arm, sending goosebumps all over my skin. “How often is often?”
I looked away then. “They’ve been more recent.”
I didn’t have to look his way to know a frown had settled on his face. I spoke before he could question it. “It helps when I’m extremely worn out in the day…it knocks me out enough that I don’t slip into dreams, or nightmares.”
“Is it the same one every time?”
A breath left my lips, his touch calming me enough to give me the courage to look at him again. “Not exactly same. But it’s usually the same premise.”
He waited patiently, not forcing me to spell it out for him.
I never had the urge to do that for anyone else before, so I wasn’t quite sure what had pushed me to tell him, but I didn’t pause to question it.
“It starts out normal…it always does. Only, I’m a kid and I’m with my parents, and then something happens.
It would be us sitting at a restaurant, and a fucking natural disaster breaks through, or we’re being held at gun point.
I don’t know, that’s the one part that constantly changes, but then I’d blink and suddenly, my parents are going in different directions looking for safety and cover, and I’m just there.
Alone. You know?” My breath hitched at the soft look in his eyes.
I cleared my throat. “My mum used to say that I’ve read one too many books where the world ends, that it’s left a scar on me for life. ”
I forced a laugh, but Rihaan never joined me. Instead, he moved closer, his hand lifting to meet my face, and he caresses my face softly. Everything in me pauses. “I’m sorry.”
The words were unexpected. I don’t dare question him. Afraid, I’d say the wrong words and cause…trouble. I liked him near me too much to do anything that would make him leave him.
When I remained silent, he cupped my face. Soft, but firm enough to tell me that he wanted me to listen.
“You’re worth risking life for, Maeve. You’re worth the choice.”
It was like his words stole the breath out of me, forcing my mouth ajar as I tried to swallow the meaning behind his words.
But I couldn’t help pick up on the fact how easy it was for him to say the right words.
He didn’t make fun of me. He didn’t tell me my fictitious dream was just that: a figment of my imagination.
He didn’t laugh at the absurd fear of the possibility of my parents leaving me behind in a serious situation.
He just…said the one thing that my brain needed in this moment.
Like he understood. Like he knew the scars of not being chosen by your parent. Like his wounds matched mine.
And this time when I close the gap between us and place my lips, he didn’t stop me.
His hands moved, cupping the back of my neck and deepened our kiss.
Fireworks lit inside me, bursting in flames that sent a rush of sparks through me.
All my life I’d thought that my whole world had been still, paused in a series of moments that defined me.
But it wasn’t until now that I’d realised that I’d been spinning, and this…
this was how it felt like when the world stilled.
Because it was the first moment of my life where I’d been alive.
Like I was finally learning what it was to feel like the world clicked in it’s place, aligned what what truly mattered.