Chapter 18
I Will (Not) Try to Fix You
Cam
When Cam, Key, and Odette got back to the campsite, wheeling Allie’s bike and carrying all their supplies plus what they’d found in the woods, Allie was sleeping. Still.
Cam’s heart dropped a little. He’d been hoping she’d be awake. He needed to see her face animated with life, her big eyes open and aware, not closed and shadowed.
Jessie sat beside Allie’s makeshift bed, rolling bandages.
Key followed his gaze with her own, and she took his bags and supplies. “Go on. You can take over for Jessie.”
He gave her a grateful smile and went to Jessie, who, to his surprise, was full of Allie news. His angel had woken up, had taken some bone broth and water. Gray had given her some medicine to help with the pain and anxiety, which had put her back to sleep.
“Thank God,” he muttered.
“Thank Gray,” Jessie pointed out. “He handled it perfectly. Allie was fairly resistant at first.”
“Drugs make her think of being coerced. Made helpless, left behind.”
“Yeah.” Jessie looked down at Allie’s sleeping form then back at him. “Yo. Come over here for a minute.”
They walked a few feet away, and when Jessie spoke again, her voice was low.
“She’s holding on to a lot of trauma. Like, a lot.
She thinks this whole thing is her fault, but I tried to give her some perspective and reassurance.
I think some of it got through—she had what I sincerely hope was a cathartic crying jag before she fell back asleep. ”
“Thank you so much.” Cam swallowed. “I know... what happened to her before we met. It was bad.”
Jessie nodded grimly. “I hoped you knew her past situation, because no way was I going to try to excavate any of that when she’s still physically healing.
But whatever it is, it’s given her a massive inferiority complex on top of the standard PTSD and depression we’ve all got.
” She looked back at Allie. “She basically doesn’t think she’s worthy of anything at this point, so she’s going to need to build herself back up. ”
Cam’s heart twisted in his chest. “I can help her.”
Jessie raised one eyebrow. “You can, but she’ll need to do it for herself. Not for you. She’s got a ways to go here.”
“I get that. I want to be with her through this.”
She sighed. “I know. And you’re a great guy, Cam, in all ways, but you need to make peace with something here.
” She gave him a steely glare. “You can help Allie recover, and you can love her for who she is, but you cannot fix this woman’s problems. And the sooner you make peace with that, the better. ”
He could only stare at her. “I...”
“You want to make her all better, I know. It’s wonderful how much of a caregiver you are.
She’ll need that from you, sure—in fact, I think she needs to know that someone is making her a priority.
But she’ll need to find her own way too.
” She shook her head a little. “We’re going to be here for her, but she’s going to see all of us as ‘your group’ for the time being, not hers.
There’s a serious risk of her filtering all her self-worth through her association with Cam Hale, and that’s problematic for her emotional health and stability. ”
“I mean, how?” Why was everyone so certain he was going to smother Allie? “It wouldn’t be like that.”
“Sure.” Jessie’s mouth tightened. “What happens if you die next week?”
“I won’t.”
Jessie snorted. “Right. You’ll just live forever, no matter what. Obviously.” She rolled her eyes. “Fucking Marines.”
Cam ignored the Marines comment. “I know I can’t ‘fix’ her, okay? Did you talk to Key about me or something?”
“Ooooh, did she tell you the same thing?”
Cam didn’t say a word, but the heat in his cheeks was enough of an answer.
Jessie nodded. “Yeah, she did,” she said. “You need to listen to us, dude. Love Allie. Support her. Show her you’re there for her. But let her figure things out for herself. As much as possible, anyway.”
He knew that. He did. “I want to help her be happy again.”
Her gaze turned sympathetic. “Oh, Cammy. I know. And you will.” She smiled. “You should have seen her blush after she saw the flowers and I teased her a little about you not wanting to leave her.”
A thread of warmth opened up in his chest. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” She nudged him with an elbow. “She’s got it bad, my friend.”
His sigh was shaky. “I do too.”
“Well, damn. You’re taking all the fun out of teasing you. I’m sorry.” Jessie hugged him. “For what it’s worth, I think you two will be okay.”
He hugged her back. “Thanks, Jess.”
“And now, I’m going to go relieve myself and find Ripper.” Her smile and the air of affection when she said their friend’s name made Cam perk up.
Jessie and Ripper, eh? Now that was news. Ripper had always had something of a crush on Jessie, he knew, but Jessie had treated him more like a little brother—and she had been serious with Melanie before Ripper joined their group.
“Well, well.” He smiled hugely. “That happened, huh?”
“Yup.” She blushed and grinned. “I finally figured it out.”
“Good for you.” Jessie had taken her girlfriend’s death hard, but Mel would have wanted Jessie to be happy again.
As she walked away into the brush, he added, “Hey, keep your eyes open and your knife handy. There’s ankle-biters all through here.
We swept for Zs, but Key thinks we might not have got them all. ”
“Yessir!” Jessie pulled her long knife from the sheath at her belt and held it as she headed toward the latrine area. “Finish rolling those bandages, please. And if you read my book, make sure you don’t lose my place!”
Cam went over to Allie and sat down, careful to move as silently as possible. He could smell Gray’s lavender oil in the air. Allie looked so peaceful—her sleep before had felt unnatural. Tense. As if she hadn’t wanted to sleep and didn’t particularly want to wake up, either.
He bagged the bundles of bandages Jessie had completed and pulled out more clean strips of cloth to roll.
It was a soothing task, and he finished it quickly then picked up Jessie’s book.
The Shining. He stared at it for a moment, slightly unnerved to realize that he actually knew people who “shined,” for lack of a better term.
Well, Uncle Stevie, let’s see if you have any advice for me about how to handle this. He left Jessie’s page dog-eared and turned to the beginning.
As people returned to camp and began to bustle around, Cam kept reading.
He’d forgotten how much he loved King’s writing, and he didn’t stir, even when others began getting things ready for the evening meal—it was Odette’s turn to cook, so the food would be good.
He was still fully engrossed in the book when Allie shifted and murmured beside him.
That got his attention like nothing else could. He marked his place and scooted nearer to her. “Hey,” he said. “I’m here.”
“Cam.” It came out on a relieved breath.
Hearing her voice sent warmth zinging through him. “Hi.”
She opened her eyes, all chocolate brown and sleepy, a little pink around the edges, but so beautiful they made his chest clench.
He loved.
He loved her.
Put that shit away. Be here for her, but don’t crowd her. All of Key’s and Jessie’s advice clustered in his thoughts. Instead of blurting out that swell of emotions, he kept it simple. “How are you feeling?”
She smiled wanly. “Kind of like hell? But not nearly as bad as when I woke up before.”
“Good,” he said, relief making him a little lightheaded. “I was worried about you.”
“I know.” Her brow furrowed. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for anything. I’m not mad.
” Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He was mad at her—furious, even—for nearly getting herself killed, all because she wanted to make sure he was safe and prove that she was useful.
God, she had no idea how important she was to him, and he’d come close to losing her because she was so traumatized by her past. “You’re going to be okay. That’s what matters.”
“I know.” She paused. “But I’m feeling a little stupid too.”
Fortunately, she left the “sorry” off this time.
“You weren’t stupid, Allie. Never. You were afraid, and you were triggered.” He stopped, took a breath, let it out slowly. “But we could have talked out how to handle things before you went off on your own.”
Her eyes shuttered. “I know,” she said again.
Do you? He tamped back down a surge of fear, a need to explain everything again. Instead, he changed the subject. “So, I have our bikes back and all our stuff.” He handed her a fresh cup of water.
“That’s good.” She sipped. “Thank you.”
“I’m going to finish rigging the bicycle motors so we’ll be able to travel along with everyone else once you’re ready to ride again.”
“Get back on the bike, so to speak?” If she was nervous about the idea, she wasn’t showing it, although her smile was a ghost of its normal self.
He smiled back. “Right. Dette thinks we can start heading toward the Armory tomorrow. You’ll ride in Gray’s trailer.”
She nodded. “Jessie mentioned that. What’s the Armory?”
“It used to be a school, but now it’s a supply depot. We meet up with other traveling groups like ours—couriers, nomads, you name it—once a month, around the full moon.”
“Ah-ooh,” she mock-howled into her water cup.
He burst out laughing, and so did she. For a moment, they were grinning at each other like fools. I hope you’re feeling this, Allie. Feel how much I care about you. Know how grateful I am that you found me. Know that I’ll never leave you.
He shook his head at her in mock censure. “It’s literally the only reliable community calendar we all have, okay?”
“And fodder for plenty of jokes.”
“That too.” Cam looked down for a moment, debating if he should say what was in his head and ruin the levity. He had to own up to his own culpability, though. “I’m the one who’s sorry, angel.”
“For what?”