Chapter 23
Something Good
Allie
Allie insisted she was able to ride her bike, especially now that the solar motor was charged and working.
Everyone was so shell-shocked or full of grief that no one questioned her decision.
It felt good to be out in the open air, and her bike wasn’t nearly so difficult to manage without so much weight on it.
While at first it had seemed like no one would take Key’s offer to travel with them to the Plant, one woman had joined them at the last minute.
She introduced herself as Rachel, and while Odette and Gray had smiled at her and welcomed her into the group, Cam and Key seemed less enthused—Allie made a mental note to ask about that when they had a quiet moment.
A tall, solidly built woman with a black pixie cut and a brusque manner, Rachel had shaken Allie’s hand quickly, but they’d had only a second for introductions before the group set off.
Allie rode in the middle of the group while Cam scouted ahead—he’d taken over that responsibility from Ripper, who rode near the back, shadows under his eyes.
Once Allie had proven herself able to ride without pain, Cam and Odette had declared her good to continue, but other than that, interaction had been minimal.
Since no one was riding next to her and the rest of the group seemed caught up in their own private miseries, Allie was able to cry for the dead.
She hadn’t seen such carnage since the early days, since her exodus from the army camp.
She might have only known a few of them by name, but Jessie had quickly become a friend, and she’d liked Jimmy immensely.
That evening at the Armory had been a time of shared joy that hurt to remember, given the terror and violence that had soon ended so many lives.
At least the victims’ Last Meal had been a truly glorious one. None of those who died had done so hungry.
The tears fell freely and dried on her cheeks as the miles passed beneath her wheels.
Once she’d mourned, she tried to reach out to Morrigan—fearfully, to be sure. Allie had left a small hill of red beans behind at the Armory, along with a ripe red tomato and the feather of a crow she found outside the fence. For good measure, she’d even nicked her arm to leave drops of blood.
“Please accept these offerings of food and blood, great Goddess,” she’d murmured over them. “May they show you tribute. I will listen.” She’d paused and put her whole heart into it when she repeated. “I will listen.”
Morrigan had yet to respond, even when Allie tried to call Her directly, all but screaming into the void.
It wasn’t enough. She wasn’t enough.
Never enough.
But... might it be better to not be under Morrigan’s influence? To not be moved around like a pawn on a chessboard at the whim of a goddess? She’d never wanted prophetic dreams or otherworldly abilities, anyway—she’d never asked for any of it.
The most pedantic, practical part of herself rejected that. You asked for help. Not directly, but you needed it. Morrigan gave it.
More importantly, despite her fragile newfound belief in her importance to Cam, Key, Odette, and the others, losing her connection to Morrigan meant losing her gift.
How was she supposed to be a real asset in this brave new Z-filled world without Her guidance and the ability to find things with her gift?
This worry was not just fear over being deadweight, she told herself sternly, tamping down a rush of fear and self-loathing. She’d saved lives, thanks to her gift. The things she could do helped others around her, the people she cared about.
The thought of being without Morrigan’s guidance in a world that involved old gods and evil undead made her shiver.
Allie knew too much now—and not nearly enough—about how bad things really were.
To be cut off from Morrigan’s assistance meant she would be helpless in a way she hadn’t been since being locked in that fucking trunk.
She would have her new friends—would be part of a family—but how would she be able to help them?
Morrigan didn’t help you save Jessie, the skeptical part of her said.
But Morrigan gave you Cam, the hopeful part of her shot back.
Allie knew without a doubt that she wouldn’t be in this group, or possibly even alive, if not for Morrigan. She wouldn’t know any of these people. Key. Odette. Ripper. Gray. Cam.
Her stomach churned, and she gripped the handlebars tightly. In so many ways, they were all counting on her to help them survive—Key had said how useful she would be, and now that Jessie was gone, they needed her even more. And Cam...
“You’re necessary to me.” He’d shown his care for her, his affection, in so many ways.
I am a necessary part of this group of remarkable people. Allie’s love for them all welled up inside her. I am useful and important to them right here, right now.
The Allie she had been, alone and paranoid and cowering in her bunker, was in the past. The Allie she was in this moment had a purpose and a family and love.
Oh, Goddess, don’t leave me. Don’t leave them without the help You can give. Please understand that I care about them, and while I value You, it’s hard for me to prioritize my own safety.
This group was her family. Her present and her future. She hoped.
Morrigan, I humbly ask for another chance.
She waited, rising up a bit to stand on her pedals as if that would get her better reception somehow, but only her own worries echoed in her head.
They took a break for lunch, eating leftovers from the Armory feast without the camaraderie and fun that had seasoned the food the previous night. Odette kept casting anxious glances at Ripper, who had yet to take a bite, before she set aside her own half-empty plate to go and speak quietly to him.
Key and Allie both observed this before casting sad glances at each other. Allie remembered that Jessie had been the group’s de facto therapist—and now they were all trying to cope with her death. Goddess, what a loss.
Cam had been conferring with Rachel away from the others, but he came back alone to sit next to Allie, his mouth tight. Allie looked over to see their new arrival disappearing into the distance.
“Rachel’s on lunch patrol?” Key asked. “I thought Gray was taking that.”
Cam huffed, picking up his plate. “She’s scouting ahead. Doesn’t seem to think I went far enough this morning, somehow. Doesn’t think ‘the old guy’ is up to it.”
He rolled his eyes at Gray, who laughed. “Hey, it’s not inaccurate. If the lady has something to prove, she’s more than welcome to take my turn. No skin off my ancient nose.” He winked at Allie.
At Key’s irritated expression, Cam held up a hand. “I let her go. It won’t hurt anything. And she’s bound and determined to do it her way, so... whatever.”
Key grunted, and Odette turned to Allie. “Rachel’s a good fighter, but we’ve heard she’s not much of a team player. Used to drive Jimmy crazy, apparently.”
“At least we’re only bound to travel with her until tomorrow,” Key said.
Odette smiled at Key reassuringly. “Plus, the weather’s good, and we’ll have a bright moon tonight.” She put down her nearly empty plate and stretched. “I always sleep better when there’s some light to see by.”
“Which makes exactly zero fucking sense,” Cam said around a mouthful of food.
Key snorted, and Odette shot her a mock dirty look. Key pointed at Cam. “Your oldest son said it. Get mad at him.” Then she looked at Cam. “And don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Cam swallowed and gave them a shit-eating grin.
Odette threw a tomato slice at him.
Allie laughed at them all, wondering how long it had been since she’d felt part of something good. Yet another reason to get her shit with Morrigan sorted out—to protect this good feeling. The love among these people.
Then Ripper stood, leaving his plate, still mostly full of food, and walked out of the camp.
Gray got up too. “I’m done eating,” he said quietly to Key. “I’ll follow him. Keep an eye out. Talk to him if I can.”
She nodded, and Gray set off after Ripper.
All somber again, they finished their meal. Allie and Cam worked cleanup, and as they wiped the dishes, Allie couldn’t help but look toward where Gray and Ripper had gone. “I wish we could help.”
Cam shook his head. “It’s going to take time.
He came with us and he’s stayed so far—which is better than I’d feared.
Losing Jessie...” He sighed, swallowed. “Well, I keep thinking, what if it had been you?” He looked at the plate in his hands.
“I’m not sure I’d be functioning even as well as he is. ”
Allie stepped over to him and slid her arms around his waist. Cam laid the plate down and held her tightly, and she breathed him in. Felt his heart beating, steady and strong, beneath her ear. I love you. I love you.
After a full minute, Cam raised his head from her hair. “How’s your side?”
Allie, still awash in the glow of their embrace—the guy could hug, on top of all his other attributes—murmured, “What?”
“Your injuries. Angel, are you sure this isn’t hurting you?”
She came back to herself. “I’m doing a lot better. I can barely feel it.”
He frowned. “I still want you to check with Dette.”
“She looked at my injuries yesterday.”
“And we’ve had a pretty fucking crazy night since then. And you rode your bike a fair distance.”
“Fine,” she grumbled, burying her face back into his shoulder. “But not right this minute.”
An hour later, after Ripper and Gray had returned from their walkabout and Odette had checked Allie’s injuries and pronounced them to be healing remarkably well—with a quiet look that told Allie she knew exactly why they were healing remarkably well—they began prepping to get back on the road. However, Rachel was still not back.
“I told her not to go too far ahead,” Cam groused. “If we go after her, one of us has to walk her bike and all her stuff, plus their own.”
Key crossed her arms. “I’m losing patience with this girl already.”
Yikes. Rachel, you really don’t want to make Key angry. You won’t like her when she’s angry.
They waited around for a while, reading or finding other tasks to occupy themselves, then Key came over to Allie and pulled her aside, motioning for Allie to walk with her away from the others.
Once they were out of earshot, Key asked, “How would you feel about trying to locate Rachel with your gift?”
Lead settled into Allie’s stomach. “I...”
Key held up a hand. “I know, you’re worried about Cam.
But we’re in a safe-enough area, and knowing where she is—and if she’s still alive—would be a big help right now.
” She sighed, but it was more of a growl.
“We need to get to the Armory as soon as possible. Waiting for Rachel is becoming a liability.”
Allie swallowed. Will it even work? Since Morrigan had frozen her out, she didn’t feel any different, but that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things.
She likely wouldn’t know if she still had her gift unless she tried to use it.
Which meant she wouldn’t know if she’d be letting Key and the group down—and freaking Cam out for possibly no reason—until after she made the attempt.
“Key,” Allie began, “I’m... I haven’t heard from Morrigan since yesterday morning.”
“Okay.” Key raised her eyebrows. “Is that unusual?”
“It is when I’ve been calling for Her.” Allie swallowed. “I think between the ambush and me not listening to Her back at the Armory...”
Key gave her a sharp look. “She wanted you to run?”
“She told me to get out of there. I didn’t.” Allie shook her head. “I couldn’t leave you all. Couldn’t leave Cam.”
Key nodded. “Just between you and me, honey? These goddesses really don’t seem to get emotional ties to others.”
“Yeah.” Allie sighed. “So I’ve been trying to express my apologies. Vowing to listen in the future. Hoping She can try to understand why I had to stay.” She paused. “I left Her a big offering before we left to try to make amends.”
“That’s why you’ve got a bandage on your arm?”
Allie paused. They were out of sight of the others now, having gone over a slight rise into a small clearing of shorter grass. She looked down at the small bandage on her forearm. “I figured everyone would assume I got hurt last night in the chaos. Odette checked it and fixed me up.”
“Should you ‘vow to listen,’ though?” Key asked. “I mean, there are times when what They want can’t be what we do. I’ve resisted Sekhmet before, but it’s never been a problem for Her.”
A pit yawned in Allie’s stomach. “I’m hoping I can reason with Her to some degree. But I can’t flat-out disobey Her again—I get the very bad feeling that She’ll swat me like a fly. Or at the very least, a whole bunch of bad shit will happen.”
“Fuck around and find out, goddess-style. Yeah?”
“Pretty much.” Allie met Key’s whiskey-brown eyes. “We’re tied to them now, for better or for worse. I want to believe it will mostly be for the better.”
“Me, too, honey. Me too.”
After a moment, Allie blew out a breath. “Okay.” She gave Key a nod. “It’s time to find out.”
She knelt to untie her hiking boots then stepped out of them and peeled her socks off. Finally, she stood with her bare feet in the grass, which was mercifully shorter here and without the danger of ankle-biters sneaking up.
It felt good, letting her toes grip the warm earth, feeling the grass against her skin. Allie wanted to believe that was a sign.
Key was watching her closely. “You okay, Allie?”
“It works best when I’m barefoot. I get a stronger connection that way.” She stood tall in a basic mountain pose—head back, feet shoulder-width apart, hands by her sides, palms facing forward, fingers spread. Then she began deep, slow, rhythmic breathing.
Please let this work.
Allie centered herself and allowed her eyes to unfocus as Morrigan had taught her. I need to see Rachel. She pictured the woman’s strong, slightly pugnacious face in her mind. Show me where Rachel is right now.
Please, Goddess. Please show me. We need to find her.
The seconds passed, and Allie’s hopes began to plummet. The pit in her stomach opened again, a full-fledged chasm of despair this time.
Allie stopped and shook her head. Coming out of mountain pose, she gave herself a full-body shake.
“You okay?”
“Well, no.” She bit off a humorless laugh. “But I’m going to try again.”
Calm yourself. She remembered what Morrigan had told her the first time She’d guided Allie to use the gift. Let your body control itself. It knows how. Send your mind out so it can see. You won’t need your eyes.
Allie got back into mountain pose, breathing deeply. Feeling the grass beneath her feet, the air brushing her skin as a breeze picked up. Hearing the sounds of the world around her.
After a complete exhalation—Goddess, I am calling on You—Allie tried to make her eyes go out of focus again, praying to see Rachel and her location in her mind’s eye.
Please.