Chapter Twenty
As soon as we get home, Kara rushes up to her room.
Maisie kicks off her shoes as she climbs on the couch more awake than ever.
She grabs her tablet, stretches back to relax, propping one leg over the other like she’s the queen of the house.
I go unload the dishwasher. I can’t wait to straighten up and get Maisie in her PJs.
The bed is calling both our names, even if she can’t hear it yet.
I know she’ll crash the second her head hits the pillow.
I’m just hoping she holds out until then.
Wrestling a half-asleep, cranky kid into PJs isn’t how I want to end the night.
Just as I walk in to get Maisie up to bed, my camera app alerts me to activity outside. At this hour? It’s too late for a delivery. It’s dark out. Maybe those raccoons that have been visiting are back.
I pull my phone from my back pocket and open the video.
My eyes nearly pop out of my head. Kara’s tucked against the side of the house, vaping as if she owns the night.
For a moment, I just stare, stunned by her audacity.
Then I grow angry. Angry at her, but also at myself.
I knew she was up to something. Guess she moved from cigarettes to vaping.
What a perfect way to keep me from smelling tobacco on her.
I’ve failed Annie and Bill, and the shame cuts deeply.
I head to the front door, looking forward to catching her in the act. Maisie glances up as I pass by. I place a finger over my lips, so she knows to be quiet. She mirrors me by putting a finger over her lips before returning to her tablet.
Before I can touch the knob, the doorbell rings.
I yank the door open, not caring who’s there as I watch a surprised Kara shove the vape in her bra.
She looks around frantically before darting off toward the back of the house.
I finally look up to see Sam standing dumbfounded.
“Come in.” I motion, as I turn to go find Kara.
I’ll see what Sam wants after I handle this.
I sprint through the house to catch Kara climbing in through the laundry room window. She must have gone out that way. “Did you seriously sneak out again? Why, Kara?” I follow her into the living room. “Are you trying to throw your life away? Is that the big plan?”
“Get off my back!” She whips around on me, fury in her eyes. “You’re not my mother.”
“No, I’m not. But this nonsense is going to stop. I’ve had enough. Give me the damn vape.” I hold out my hand.
“I don’t vape! You’ve lost your mind!” she screams. Her neck and face are red, clear signs she knows she’s caught. Kara notices Sam for the first time. I follow her gaze to see Sam’s hands resting on Maisie’s shoulders as they watch this scene unfold.
“Oh really?” I turn my phone around to show her the video of her vaping. “Give it to me, or I’ll take it from you. So, let’s not go down that road.”
“I hate you!” she yells, throwing the vape at me. I swat it down before it hits me in the face.
“Congratulations, you’re grounded until the end of time. Tomorrow, I’m searching your room and that door is coming off the hinges.” I lean down to pick up the intact vape.
“Stop acting like my mom! You don’t care.”
“You think this is what I wanted?” My voice rises, raw and shaking. “I didn’t want to lose my sister. I didn’t want to suddenly be a parent.” My chest tightens, every heartbeat a heavy thud that makes it harder to breathe.
“Hey, you two.” Sam steps between us, palms out, trying to hold back the storm. “Let’s take a moment, calm down, and regroup.”
“This isn’t fair!” Kara shrieks, her face blotchy with rage. On the couch, Maisie clamps her hands over her ears, tears spilling down her cheeks.
I wipe a tear as it falls from the corner of my eye. “You’re right. This isn’t fair. I don’t know what to do anymore, Kara. None of this was planned. I’m doing the best I can.”
“It’s not good enough!” Kara yells as she climbs the stairs. “You’ll never be good enough.”
“I know.” I shake my head slowly, the words heavy on my tongue. “I won’t.”
Kara’s voice breaks into a sob. “Why couldn’t it have been you?” The slamming of her bedroom door rattles the walls.
Her words crush the air from my chest. “I wish it were me,” I whisper.
“I hate you!” echoes behind Kara’s door, sharp enough to split me in two.
Sam steps in front of me, gently taking my hands. “She didn’t mean it.”
I stare at Sam, wondering which part she didn’t mean.
My gaze drifts past her to Maisie, her eyes closed, and hands still pressed against her ears as sobs shake her body.
I cross the room and scoop her up. I tuck her onto my lap, holding her close, pressing her small frame against me.
She wraps her arms tightly around my neck.
I rub her back, steady and slow, holding back my own tears. I have to be strong for her.
“I’m so sorry, honey. It’s going to be okay,” I try to reassure her as Maisie holds on to me while I rock her slowly.
“I’ll check on Kara,” Sam says, as she climbs the stairs.
I wait until Maisie’s sobs soften before sitting her upright in my arms. I wipe the tears from her cheeks and brush the damp strands of hair from her forehead.
“We’re okay, you and I, aren’t we?” I whisper. Maisie nods, rubbing her eyes with her palms. “You know I love you with all my heart, right?”
She nods again, sniffing. “I love you too.” Her tiny broken voice tugs at my heart. “Do you love Kara?” That question guts me.
“Of course, I love Kara. With all of my heart,” I say, hurt that she felt she needed to ask. But I understand she’s young and these arguments of ours seem so harsh to her. “Kara really misses your mom and dad so much that her pain comes out in anger.”
Maisie’s lashes flutter with tears that refuse to fall. “Are you mad at her?”
“I’m hurt,” I admit. I’m mad too, but she doesn’t need to know that.
I’m also mad at the situation we’re all in and how our lives were torn apart and rebuilt without a choice.
At how these girls need their parents. I have no clue what the hell I’m doing.
I need my sister, but I’m only left with memories.
“Does Kara hate you?” Maisie asks. She’s confused by all she’s heard tonight. I hope Kara doesn’t hate me, but what do I say to that? The truth is, I don’t know. I have no clue where her aggression toward me has come from or what I did to cause it.
“I don’t know, honey,” I say quietly. “I hope not. But I do know that your sister loves you very much. That’s so important. Sisters are special friends. Like your mom was to me. You may not see it now, but one day, when you’re older, you two are going to have the best time.”
Maisie wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes tight. “I love you, Aunt Allie.” I need this more than she’d ever realize.
“I love you too, baby girl. With everything I have in me.” I wipe another tear from my cheek. I bite down on my lip to keep it together. When I glance up, Sam’s standing around the corner watching us. Her arms are folded over her chest. She steps forward, lowering herself beside us.
“Why don’t I get Maisie ready for bed?” she suggests softly. She runs her fingers through Maisie’s hair, combing it back from her face. “We can read any book you want, sweetheart. Would you like that?”
Maisie sniffles, then nods her head in agreement. “I need my pajamas.”
“Come here, honey.” Sam opens her arms, and Maisie’s little body melts into her embrace. Sam kisses the top of her head. “Let’s get you into those PJs, and then you can pick the story you want us to read.”
I wait until they are out of sight before going to Bill’s office.
I pop the top of the Bulleit whiskey and pour a shot.
Downing it in one gulp, wishing for the pain to go away, I immediately pour another.
I know this isn’t a reasonable thing to do, but I don’t feel very reasonable right now.
I take my glass, and the bottle, and sit behind the desk in Bill’s chair.
I pick up the framed picture of my sister.
“Why did this have to happen? You need to be here. I’m so angry.
” I drink the second pour knowing that she didn’t want to be gone either.
She didn’t want to leave her children and life.
“Why couldn’t the universe have left you and taken me?
I have nothing to offer anyone. You were the good one.
” A sob escapes as I hug her picture to my chest, wishing she was here to hug me back.
“I need you, Annie. The girls need you,” I whisper.
I pour another drink and take my sad ass to the couch.
I’m so ready for this brown liquid to numb my thoughts and ease my pain.
How do I move forward with Kara? She doesn’t respect me.
She has no fear of the consequences of her actions.
She doesn’t care if she’s grounded or for how long.
She’ll continue to act out. Her actions cause Maisie to have anxiety, and the stress leads to her wetting the bed.
Yet, she seems to think her behavior has no effect on anyone.
“Hey, there.” Sam lightly taps on the frame of the door. “I thought you’d be in here.”
I wipe my eyes hurriedly, not wanting her to see my tears, running freely now. “Is Maisie asleep?”
Sam walks in, shutting the door behind her. “We only got five pages in when she drifted off.” She sits beside me. “How many of those have you had?” She points to the glass in my hand.
“Not enough.” I throw back the amber liquid. I do feel it, though. It’s definitely kicking in. “Want one?” I know she doesn’t drink whiskey, so the answer is obvious.
“Sure,” she says, catching me off guard. Then she leans in, her mouth pressing against mine. A low moan escapes as her tongue slips between my lips, coaxing a response. “Delicious,” she murmurs against my mouth, her words warm and breathless between us.