Chapter Twenty-One
At five a.m., I turned in bed to find it empty.
The loss of Sam’s warmth was harsh but a reality.
I wanted her last night. There’s no doubt about that.
But I was vulnerable. I needed comfort—needed to feel cared for, even if just for a moment.
Kara crushed me beyond words. How many patches can I put on my heart at this point?
Now, at six a.m., I’ve pondered all I can.
I’ve made up my mind. Time for some changes.
As hard as it is, and as much as it guts me from the inside out, I know what I have to do.
My stomach twists in knots as I dial the number I dread more than anything.
The line rings twice before Judy picks up.
“Judy,” I say, forcing a gentleness into my voice.
“I hope your Sunday is going well.” I try to embark on this journey with pleasantries, knowing how hard this is going to be.
“Oh, is that so?” she replies, her tone sharp with suspicion. “How nice of you. To what do I owe the honor of your call?”
I grimace and swallow a sigh. Lord, give me patience. “I need your help. Please keep an open mind, and let’s try to make this work.”
“I’m listening,” Judy replies. Her voice is steady and guarded but not closed off.
As difficult as it is, I tell her about Kara.
I leave out some of it but tell her the important parts.
With all that I have in me I ask her to take Kara, and only Kara.
I don’t know if it’ll be forever, and I don’t make any promises about the future, but I tell her that Kara needs her.
I almost choke on the words. I don’t know what else to do at this point.
I need her help. I know Kara won’t pull this shit with Judy like she does me.
Judy is intolerant. Kara wouldn’t dare try her.
I’m not doing this for me. I don’t want her to leave.
But this is what’s best for Kara. I love her more than she will ever imagine.
The path she’s traveling on isn’t the path for her.
I won’t allow Kara to continue to make poor decisions without consequences like my mom did.
As much as I hate Judy, I know she loves Kara.
She’ll take care of her. I have no doubt.
“I haven’t told Kara that she’ll be living with you. I wanted to speak with you first.”
“You did the right thing,” Judy says, and for the first time her compliment sounds genuine.
“I know we have gotten off on the wrong foot. But we’ve both been through tragedy.
I lost my only child. And I think you know how much I love my grandchildren.
I would do anything for them. I’m not perfect.
I have failed on many occasions, but I always have their best interests at heart. ”
“I know.” I sit up on the edge of the bed as the tears well in my eyes.
“That’s why I’m trusting you with our girl.
I know you don’t think I’m the right person for them.
That Annie and Bill made the wrong choice.
But I love them with all that I have in me.
” I clear my throat as my tears fall. I don’t want her to know that I’m crying.
“I want them to make good decisions and have a good life. Kara will think I’ve abandoned her, and that hurts. ”
“Allie,” Judy says softly. More softly than I’ve ever heard her.
“Kara’s moving through stages of grief. She’s not acting out to hurt you.
She’s doing it to hurt herself. She’s a teenager.
Lashing out will be what she does for the next several years.
I know you love her. And I know that more than ever by coming to me.
That means the world.” Judy clears her throat, seeming unsure of her next words.
“Why don’t you let me take both the girls? Keep them together.”
I knew this would come up. But that’s a hard no. “Maisie stays here. This is her home. I’m not uprooting them both.” I’m firm, and she’d better believe it. I’m having a hard time giving up Kara as it is. It makes me sick to my stomach.
“I understand.” There’s an acceptance in Judy’s voice that surprises me. Kara will be her prize anyway. “Can I least have Maisie on the weekends to spend time with Kara? That way you have the freedom to do as you please and not be tied down.”
“How about we talk about some hard things for a moment.” I need to set some things straight.
I take a breath, weighing the words I’d been trying not to say.
“I wasn’t going to mention this because the girls begged me not to.
They’re both scared of you. That should concern you, Judy.
These girls are your only connection to Bill now.
You can earn my trust back along with Maisie’s, one day at a time.
I’ll allow her to visit you every other weekend, as long as you never make my baby lie in her own piss again.
She has had trauma just like you, like me, like Kara, and her way of showing it is manifested differently at her age.
You won’t ever belittle her again. If you do, I’ll drive to your house and beat the shit out of you.
That’s not a threat. It’s a promise. You don’t get another chance with me. ”
I hear the hitch in Judy’s breath on the other side of the phone. I bet no one has ever spoken to her that way before. I’d do it again if I needed to. These girls have become my whole world, and I’d do anything to keep them safe.
“I’m truly sorry for that, Allie. I don’t know what got into me. Tough love isn’t always the correct route to take.” I hear her remorse. And possibly her embarrassment. I thought she’d deny it, but I’m pleasantly surprised.
“You can make it up to Maisie by being the best Gigi ever. You’re the only one she has.”
“I will.” She clears her throat again. “What time shall I come for Kara?”
I feel like throwing up with the thought of Kara living with Judy. “Give me a couple of hours,” I say with slight hesitation, not yet fully accepting my decision.
“See you then.” Judy hangs up, making this deal final.
I drag my ass from bed, take a shower, and get ready for the storm ahead. I don’t know how Kara will react, or how Maisie will take the news. All I know is that I’ll do whatever it takes to keep them safe and Kara from self-destructing.
No one’s up when I emerge an hour later from my room. I’m unsure of how to proceed this morning. Adults are supposed to have the answers, right? That is until you are the adult in charge. I decide that breakfast will make a good start.
I make scrambled eggs, bacon, and biscuits. I put out orange juice before going to Maisie’s room first. When I slip through the half-open door, she has her tablet on her lap. “What are you watching?” I ask.
“Barbie,” she says, turning her screen for me to see.
“Oh, that’s fun!” I fake excitement because my stress level is through the roof. “Breakfast’s ready. Come down and eat, honey.”
“Okay!” She hops off her beanbag, wearing her kitten pajamas, and walks past me, carrying her tablet under one arm. I wish it could be this easy with Kara.
“Kara?” I tap on her door before trying the handle which I knew would be locked. “Breakfast is ready. Come down and eat with us,” I say softly, hoping that she doesn’t put up a fight. I wait a few minutes, understanding that no reply is coming. “Kara?” I tap on the door again.
“I’m not hungry,” she finally calls back. It’s exactly what I expected, and exactly what I dreaded.
I tilt my head back, staring at the ceiling, drawing in a steadying breath. “It’s not up for discussion.” I try to keep my voice calm yet firm. “Be down in five minutes. Your Gigi’s coming over soon.”
Without waiting for a response, I go to Maisie so I can fix her plate. She’s at the dining table, sitting on her knees and leaning on her elbows, watching a cartoon. I’m not worried about which one because there are parental settings in place.
“What sounds good, baby girl?” I take a plate from the cabinet. “We have eggs, bacon, and biscuits.”
“Yes, please.” She vigorously nods her head as she licks her lips.
“All three?” I confirm. She nods again wide-eyed and excited. “Want ketchup for your eggs and strawberry jam for your biscuit?”
“Yes!” she says again, before turning her attention back to the tablet. I take her plate and slide it in front of her with a glass of juice. “Thank you.” She picks up her fork, never taking her eyes from the tablet.
I start filling my plate when Kara slowly drifts into the kitchen, her movements reluctant. I slide an empty plate in her direction.
“I’m not hungry.” She pushes the plate back toward me.
“We aren’t doing this. You’re eating something.” I look at her sternly before going to sit next to Maisie.
“Fine!” She pours herself some juice and grabs a couple of pieces of bacon. “Better?”
I shake my head in disappointment. I was hoping for a better morning than the shitshow we had last night. “Please, sit.” I gesture to a chair across from me.
She grabs another piece of bacon before easing her way over to the table. I know she’s hungry. Breakfast used to be her favorite meal. Maisie’s so wrapped in her show that she doesn’t notice us as she eats her eggs. She dips them in ketchup the same way my sister did.
There’s no time like the present. I reach into my back pocket, pulling out Kara’s cell phone, and push it across the table to her. “Here.”
She stares at me, her eyes squinting in suspicion. “What’s the catch?” she asks, taking her phone and putting it next to her juice glass. “Am I not grounded anymore?”
I sigh, bracing myself for what I have to say. She shoves the last piece of bacon in her mouth. I let her chew and swallow before diving into the unknown. “That’s not up to me anymore.” I take my first bite of eggs.
Her brow furrows in confusion. “Why not?”
“Your Gigi will be making those decisions.”
Kara leans forward, crossing her arms on the table, and holding her phone in one hand. “What are you talking about now? Why is she deciding?”
I lay my fork down, preparing for the worst. “You’re going to live with her for a while.”
“I’m what!” she says more calmly than I expected.
“Your Gigi will be here in less than an hour to pick you up.” I push my plate back a smidgen, having lost my appetite. The knots in my stomach fill the void.
“Oh, great!” Kara waves her arms toward Maisie, who finally notices our conversation. “You’re just going to ship us off to live with Gigi while you live in our house. This is such crap! This is our home, not yours.”
Maisie stands up in her chair, placing her hands on her hips in defiance. “I don’t want to live with Gigi!”
“Sit down.” I point at Maisie, who decides it’s best to plop back down onto her knees.
“Kara.” I return my attention to her, swallowing back my anxiety.
“I live here because you two live here. Not because this was my choice. And yes, this is your home, not mine. It will always be your home. Your outbursts have gotten out of hand. You smoking is unacceptable. The sneaking out to meet boys won’t be tolerated any longer.
You don’t respect or listen to me, so you’re going to live with someone you will respect.
” My voice is scratchy from holding back my emotions. “Maisie’s staying here with me.”
Maisie shifts uncomfortably beside me, looking from her sister to me, wide-eyed and frightened, as though waiting for an explosion she knows is about to happen.
Kara stands, pushing her chair back so forcibly it falls backward.
Her eyes are glossy with unshed tears. She crosses her arms, jutting out her chin in a mask of defiance as she tries to hide the tremor in her jaw.
She finally breaks the silence. “Fine,” she spits, her voice cracking.
“Send me away. You never wanted me anyway. It’s obvious. ”
My heart sinks with her words. You’d think I’d be used to it by now. “That’s not true and you know it.” I stand too, trying to emphasize my feelings, though my words feel useless.
“Keep telling yourself that,” her voice stammers. A tear runs down her cheek, breaking my heart in the process. “What time do I need to be ready?”
I let my tears fall, unable to hold them back. “Judy will be here soon. Pack a suitcase with everything you need for this week. We will move you in completely next weekend.”
Maisie jumps from her seat, rushing toward Kara and wrapping her arms around her waist. “I don’t want you to leave.”
Kara bends down so that she’s eye level with Maisie.
“I’m not that far away, and I’ll always be here for you no matter where I live.
I love you.” They hug. I hate separating them.
Life wouldn’t have been the same without my big sister taking care of me as a kid.
But this is a different situation. I’m not doing this to hurt Kara.
Even if she doesn’t realize the reasoning right now.
“I love you, too,” Maisie’s small voice says through the tears.
Kara hugs her again. “Want to help me pack?”
“Yes.” Maisie nods as she sniffs.
They leave the room carrying the heartbreak on their small shoulders.
The silence fills me with regret and disappointment.
Am I doing the right thing? This has to be the answer.
This will help Kara heal. The words feel like lies as much as I want to believe them.
I just hope that one day she’ll understand.
I hope she’ll come back home to us soon.
This house isn’t complete unless she’s here with Maisie and me.
I miss my girl already, but she left long before she actually moved out.