23. Twenty-Three #3
I helped Fin get his pants back up and he turned around, fixing those big eyes on me, waiting for his answer.
I put my hands on his chest and stared at my hands. "I don't want you to go back to Scotland. Or back to your da's shop or anywhere else, Fin. I want you here. With me."
He put his hands over mine. "And what would I do here with ye, Aleksi Laskin? Ye cannae keep me like a pet."
He was joking.
I wasn't.
I lifted my head and met his eyes finally.
"Fin. I don't want you to be my pet. I don't want you to be…
what you were before. But. If you left… If I woke up one day and you weren't beside me, I'd tear the whole fucking world apart to find you and bring you back.
" I swallowed. "I know what you want me to say.
But I can't say it because it's not true.
The word you want, it's a soft, fragile thing.
I'm not that kind of man. I can't do candlelit dates and caviar on the river and moonlit walks and—"
His hand tightened on mine. "I don't want all that shite, Aleksi. Ye know that."
"Then what do you want, Fin?"
His fingers fanned out under my collar, against my skin, warm. "Ye want to ken what I want?"
"Yes."
"Right." He took a breath. "I want to wake up in yer bed.
I want to make ye coffee the way I make it, no' the way ye make it, because the way ye make it is shite and ye know it.
I want to fight with ye about Niko leaving his stinky cheese on the counter.
I want to have ye carry me up to bed. I want to be old with ye, Aleksi.
I want to be tired with ye. I want to argue about the heating and the dishes and whose turn it is to take out the bins.
I dinnae want caviar on a fucking river, ye Russian eejit.
I want a kitchen. I want a Sunday. I want yer ugly bifold wallet sitting on the counter when I come out in the morning, and I want to ken without asking that yer in the next room, waitin' for me to come in and argue with ye so we can make up again. "
I couldn't say anything. He didn't seem to need me to.
"That's love, Aleksi. That's what it is.
It's no' the fancy word and it's no' the soft thing ye think it is.
It's the bins. It's the coffee. It's a man fucking ye on the hood of his car because ye drove it like a hooligan and he loves ye too much to be properly cross about it.
" His lips turned up in a small, mean smile.
"Ye've been doing it for weeks, ye great daft bastard.
Ye've been loving me. Ye just didnae know the word for what ye were doing. "
I closed my eyes. "Fin."
"Aye?"
"Stop talking."
"Make—"
I cut him off with a kiss before he could finish and kissed him until we were both breathless and panting.
Then I let my forehead fall against his.
"I'm going to find this Mr. K, and I'm going to put a bullet in his head like I should've last time.
And then we can argue about the trash bins until they bury us in matching fucking coffins. "
Fin smiled and let out a low chuckle. "Ye have such a way with words, Aleksi."
"Yeah, well."
I pulled him in against my chest and the rain started to pick up, but I didn't want to move an inch.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket.
"Leave it," Fin murmured into my collar.
It buzzed again.
"Fin—"
"Leave it, Aleksi. Whatever it is can wait five fucking minutes."
It buzzed a third time and I couldn't resist.
I reached around him and got it out of my pocket one-handed. I didn't want to look at it, but three meant it was the boss.
Boss: Tonight. Wheels down in two hours. Get here.
Everything went still around me.
Fin lifted his head off my chest and looked up at me. "What is it?"
"K. He moved his plane up. He'll be on the ground in two hours."
He pushed back from me. "But ye said Thursday—"
"Yeah. It's not Thursday anymore."
The pink had gone out of his cheeks and the laugh was gone. The man who'd been folded against my chest thirty seconds ago was somewhere else now. His face had hardened again.
"Take me with ye."
"Fin."
"Take me with ye, Aleksi."
"No."
"Aleksi—"
"No, Fin. Not this one. You stay here."
"And do what? Sit in a fucking suite above a garage in the middle of nowhere Ohio while ye go and—"
"I'll call Gregori to come and get you." I was also going to tell Gregori to make sure he didn't leave the apartment because I knew Fin, but I wasn't going to tell him that.
"I can help. Ye know I can help. I'm the one who can—"
I caught his face in both hands. "You've already lost a finger because of me, Fin.
You think I'm going to risk your life? You think I'm ever going to risk any part of you ever again?
" I shook my head. "I can't, Fin. I can't. If I take you, I'll be so focused on keeping you safe, I won't be able to do my damn job. And I need to do my damn job."
His throat worked as he swallowed his protests. "Aye, then. All right."
I kissed him hard, once on the lips and once on the forehead, and then I let him go and went for my keys.