30. Chapter 30
Chapter thirty
M y stomach knots and flips as I stand on the second story landing outside Griffin’s door. I can’t knock, but I haven’t been able to leave, either. I shift from foot to foot and finally decide to just go back to my apartment and do this later. I spin around quickly and walk toward the stairs. I hear a door behind me open and my heart beats wildly in my chest. I hit the stairs and make it halfway down before I hear him.
“Shelby.” God, his quiet, powerful voice never loses effect on me. I shiver and stop, but can’t turn around. “Look at me.”
Unable to resist, I peek over my shoulder and blink into the sunlight that streams around him. When my eyes adjust, I see him, shirtless and commanding at the top of the stairs, waiting for me.
“Hi,” I say lamely. I duck my head and grip the handrail like it will save me if the world continues to tilt on its axis and spin me around like dandelion fluff on the wind .
“What are you doing here?”
I sigh and drop my hand off the rail slowly, testing out my gravity now that I’m in his orbit again. I feel the stairs shake as he descends toward me, and I keep my eyes focused on the step below me until I feel him right behind me. My skin crawls with electricity and my awareness of everything else around me fades until he is all I feel. Smell. Think about.
“I’m sorry.” Apologies have never been my forte, but this one feels particularly difficult. Two words can never make up for all the wrong I’ve done, but I don’t have the slightest idea if he wants to hear any more.
I feel him shift behind me, his fingers lighting up my bare skin where he nearly touches my arms, but holds back. I shiver anyway, chill bumps running over my entire body.
“So responsive. Always.” His voice is low and quiet, not to be mistaken for soft or silky, as it vibrates with a deep timbre that excites and frightens me. “Now look at me.”
I inhale deeply, pull my head up high, and turn around to meet him. I lose my breath in an instant from the hot look he’s giving me, and all rational thought about continuing my apology drifts along with it. He steps down two steps until he’s standing below me and we are eye level. I scan his features, staring longingly at his full lips, tracing the contours of his cheekbones, and finally I make it to his gorgeous blue eyes that suck me in and demolish me completely.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat softly, unsure what else I can say.
“Come upstairs.” He brushes by me, his fingers trailing along my hand in a way that makes me wonder if it was intentional or an accident .
I follow him back up the stairs and through the door he holds open to his apartment. I stand awkwardly in the cool interior and spin around when the door closes. My eyes dart to his big hand as he locks it and then up to his face that is set with an inscrutable look. I wish he were easier to read and I could figure out if he wants to forgive me or not. I guess getting locked in his apartment means he’s at least up for hearing what I have to say. I’d hit my knees and beg for his forgiveness if I were a different person. Instead, I straighten my spine and swallow down the lump in my throat as I meet his deep blue gaze that is tumbling with thoughts I can’t read. I drag in a shaky breath, hold it for a moment and blow it out with my hesitance. I need to get this out.
“You were right, all along. I was wrong to demand only a sexual relationship with you when I wanted so much more. I let you in but refused to acknowledge I felt the same way. And then I ruined everything once I decided it was worth it. I am so sorry. I hope you can find a way to forgive me.”
“That’s it? You’re just back here to apologize? What, you want to make your conscious feel a little lighter by getting my forgiveness so you can leave again? This is still all about you.” He crosses his thick arms over his chest and stares me down, demanding and intense.
My jaw drops open and I shake my head wildly, trying desperately to find a way to explain that this isn’t about me at all. I freeze. Maybe it is. I wanted to feel better knowing he knew I was sorry for what had happened. Again I’ve had selfish motivations .
“You’re right, again,” I grit out, the words like sandpaper across my tongue. “I do want to feel better and clear my conscious.”
He tilts his head and nods minutely, as if confirming his own thoughts.
“But more than that, I wanted this to be about you. About us. If you still want me.” I keep my eyes on his, fighting every instinct to look away from his judging, cold stare. I’m surprised as he steps forward, invading my space and bringing his face within inches of mine.
“Can’t get enough of me, baby?” He drops his arms, his hand grabbing his crotch. “If you’re just looking for a dick to ride, you can get the fuck out,” he says, pointing from me to the door empathetically. “I don’t want to be used by a superficial Barbie who can’t make up her own damn mind.”
I cringe at the flat way he says it, getting mad as hell that he won’t take my apology seriously. But who am I kidding to have expected anything else. I brought this on myself.
I slap his finger out of my face and grab his chin, pulling him down to my mouth. I kiss him with everything I have, holding the back of his head as he stiffens up. He finally relents, letting my tongue into his mouth. I take this kiss from him, not allowing him to back off, even if it feels one-sided at first. But his body responds, even if his heart doesn’t want to. His arms wrap around me tentatively and I kiss him harder, moaning into his mouth as he pulls me into his hard body. He groans, sliding his fingers up my back and into my hair. He finally pulls me away from his mouth by the hair, leaving us both panting. I step back slightly as his hands slacken and slide through my hair .
“I made my choice. I want you. All of you. Give me your best and your worst. I’ll take it, because it’s you. I’m in love with everything that makes you you. The fantastic and the terrible, I love it all. I love you,” I say, my voice raw and throaty and a little tremulous as I lay my feelings bare to him.
I knew I was falling for Griffin weeks ago. I didn’t want to admit it to myself then, and it feels almost traitorous to admit it out loud now. But I am done fighting these feelings, and if I am truly going to go after the things I want that will make me happy, I need him to know how I feel.
“Right, and you’ll be off chasing another driver and another team next week. Tell the next guy you love him, see if that works on someone else.”
“You stupid asshole.”
I glare at Griffin, working through the anger he brings out in me. This is his way of protecting himself from more hurt and from me. I think I finally have him figured out and I’m prepared to use this knowledge to my advantage. He doesn’t want to make himself vulnerable to another person who will leave him. I don’t plan on making that mistake twice.
“I don’t want anyone else. It’s only you.” I sigh and step around him toward the door. I look back at him as I unlock it and leave my hand on the doorknob. “You know where I live if you decide to believe me. I’m back with S&M. I’m not leaving. You’re going to have to deal with me being here, loving you. Now get used to it, dipshit, because I made up my mind and I’m not taking no for an answer. You’re it for me.” I pull the door open and slip back into the Southern California sunshine, my nerves a jittery mess, but my heart the lightest it’s been in days .
Griffin’s face was priceless. He was shocked into silence and for once he wore an expression that didn’t scare me. It actually made me want to laugh because of how incredulous he looked.