9. Chapter 9 #2
I focus on my breathing as I make my way into the crowd.
Carmin follows closely behind me before squeezing my hand and letting me wander off toward where I left Justin in a panic.
I didn’t expect him to stay in the same place, but he isn’t at the bar either.
My hand comes to my stomach as I let out a quick breath and scan the room.
Maybe if he did leave, that’d be better.
Not ideal, but it’d give me a good excuse to go back into hermit mode and say that I at least tried.
But a part of me wants to do more than try this time.
It could be the exhaustion from emotional turmoil or the realization that I’m wasting my 20’s feeling stuck in the same cycle that I’ve trapped myself in.
Either way, I want this time to be different.
I scan the room one last time, noticing the blue of Justin’s shirt peaking through bodies.
A wave of relief washes over me, and I begin to make my way to him.
There’s no clear path, so I’m forced to make my own as I slide past people on either side of me.
The whole of him appears, and a smile grows on my lips the way it always does when I see him.
I’m so focused on him; I don’t see the brunette beside him, who he has his arm tucked around.
Rooted to the spot, that familiar ball of guilt forms in my throat as I watch them.
My nails bite into my palms as I try to force my breath and redirect myself, but my chest grows heavy as my eyes can’t seem to leave them.
I should look away; I want to look away, but I don’t.
I stare. I watch as their eyes meet, a fire that mirrors my own, and the way she softens into him when his lips finally meet hers.
Every moment, every fantasy, every hope that I’d imagined crumples in my chest—leaving no room for mistake or error. Am I truly so delusional that I’d forgotten my place?
My lip begins to quiver, and my vision blurs as my arms wrap around myself, my breath shallow.
The space in front of me grows smaller as people surround me, swallowing me in their joyful lack of awareness—a saving grace as tears stream down my cheeks.
My breath quickens as I’m shoved backward, forcing me to move and make my escape.
This was a mistake. Why am I always making the same mistake of thinking I’m more than who I am?
I don’t pay attention to the people I bump into as I keep my head lowered as I try to make my way to the door.
With the music turning more intense, the crowd seems to thicken, like I’m crawling through a pool of tar formed from my own shame and embarrassment.
It’s a weight, a knowing comfort that’s kept me safe.
Why I ever left it is a question I’ll grow to regret.
“Gina?” A muffled voice calls from somewhere around me. The last thing I need is for him to see me like this. “Gina!”
I attempt to quicken my pace to no avail, as the club is more packed than I remember. It doesn’t help that I can’t seem to stop the tears that rush through the wall I’d spent years building up just to have it torn down for the wrong person.
I can see the door up ahead, and I’m nearly there when I feel a large, warm hand push at mine.
“Gina—”
“Let me go,” I manage to strangle out pleadingly, hoping that would be enough of a hint to get Leo to leave me alone for once. He holds my hand tighter, pulling me back toward him. Resisting, I pull back.
“Gina, please.” Leo’s hands come to my shoulders, resting on them so gently that I allow myself to slip under.
His hands are soft as he coaxes me to face him.
Timidly, his fingers brush down my forearms, and his expression falls with unease.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen his eyes so tender, yet unnerved at the same time.
I hate it—I hate pity—but I couldn’t bring myself to look away from him or the subtle calmness that was easing up my spine.
I was ready for him to ask me if I was okay and for me to give my usual response to deny myself any ounce of vulnerability despite my tears.
To pretend that the weight in my chest is nothing besides an inconvenient side effect of my unhealed childhood wounds I’m still learning to grow out of.
That the wall between my reality and the darkness that surrounds it isn’t so thin that its roots have grown up from underneath it, spreading like wildfire and daring to be tamed. It doesn’t come.
Leo moves closer to me, taking my face in his hand as he uses his thumb to wipe at my tears.
I shake my head at the internal instinct that tells me to back away and run, but my body pulls me to him like a magnet.
His eyes never leave mine, and I realize they aren’t meeting me with pity, but with an unspoken understanding and safety.
“Why are you here?” I ask softly, breaking free from whatever trance I’m under as I recall how he said he wouldn’t come out tonight. Although I still wouldn’t put it past Leo to come and watch my public humiliation when he was proven right.
“I couldn’t not come. I needed to see you.” The confidence in his tone doesn’t help to clarify his message, and I’m only more confused.
“What are you talking about?”
He shakes his head as he steps closer to me, his other hand coming to the small of my back. “I couldn’t let—”
An argument ensues behind me. The voices of two men grow louder over the music and before I can turn around to see what’s happening, the larger of the men is shoved back into me.
I don’t have time to catch myself as I fly back into Leo, my heel digging into his foot as he attempts to catch me, only to stumble back himself as he tries to suppress a scream.
“Oh my god, are you okay?” I say panicked as I move toward him, reaching to aid him in whatever way I can. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
Leo manages a closed, flat smile despite the obvious way he’s relying on his other foot to support him. “You’re good, don’t worry.” His words come rushed and gritty.
“Stop lying. You’re not good. You’re literally bouncing on one foot.” Shaking my head, I wrap my arm around him and throw his arm around my shoulder. “Lean on me.”
“Where are we going?” Leo winces as I move us toward the door slowly, trying not to get distracted by the feel of his hard body against mine.
“To Disneyland,” I retort, and I can almost feel the nasty remark he would have made if he weren’t in so much pain. “My room. We at least have to look at it, and my room is closer.”
“You really don’t have to. I’m sure it’ll only be a little bruised—”
“Shut up before I change my mind.” I glance up at him briefly as we wait for the elevator. The smile that comes across his lips is too sweet to miss. You’d think he’d done this on purpose with the twinkle that shines in his eyes.
“Yes, ma’am.”