12 - Dax
Dax
I was late as fuck.
Normally that wouldn’t have been too big of a problem; I’d maybe get a joke from Sy and a brief dressing-down by Bear but these past few days had changed the dynamic of the crew and I didn’t know what to expect anymore.
Considering how he’d lost his shit over nothing, I knew that Bear was probably going to tear me a new one when I finally got to Lane’s place.
I clenched my jaw, turning into the meeting spot.
The alleyway was grimy, a narrow asphalt strip cracked by winter frost and lined with brick walls on either side.
It was overstuffed with green carts and fire escapes that cut the sky above into rectangles.
The perfect backdrop to have your day ruined.
My eyes instinctively went to the blind spots behind the dumpsters.
I was about fifteen feet from the mouth of the alley, far enough inside to have a quick conversation out of direct sight of foot traffic, but still close enough to scan the entire corridor and have a clear, three-second sprint to the main street if things went sidewise.
I didn’t want to believe that I’d be met with any type of ambush today, but with how shitty my luck had been lately, that was still a factor I had to account for.
I didn’t have to wait for very long. Two figures entered from the other end of the corridor, one sporadically twisting their head back and forth, obviously trying to scan for potential trouble in the dumbest way possible.
“You know, when people say to keep your head on a swivel, it’s not meant to be that literal, Sean,” I said.
Having met me in the middle, my brother scowled. “It’s just being careful.”
“It’s making yourself look like an easy target,” I said, reaching into the pocket of my jacket and pulling out a heavy envelope. “Here.”
I shoved it into his chest. He ripped the flap open right there, thumbs snapping through the twenties with a desperate, ugly gleam in his eye. My gaze briefly flicked to our mother standing next to him. I swear, she looked older every time I saw her again.
She pulled her oversized, faded coat more tightly around her body, noticeably avoiding looking at me. Instead, she stared at Sean’s hands as he counted the money, nicotine-stained fingers twitching.
“Two and a half grand,” Sean announced, closing the envelope and dropping it into his own jacket pocket. “That’s all?”
I scoffed. “What do you mean, ‘is that all’?”
“It’s not enough, Dax,” My mother shook her head, rubbing a hand over her smudged eyeliner. “It’s…we can’t get through with that.”
I rolled my shoulders back. That money represented weeks’ worth of honest, hard construction work only for them to tell me that it wasn’t cutting it. I knew they were involved in some messed up shit again, but I was fast approaching the point of not caring. Or at least forcing myself not to.
“Then give it back,” I said, my voice dead flat. “You don’t want it, I’ve got bills of my own. But that’s every dollar coming out of my pockets.”
Sean narrowed his eyes at me, practically snarling. “That’s what you have to say for your own blood?”
“What do you want me to do, Sean? I can’t pull cash out of thin air and you know I’m done fighting. That part of my life is over,” I said resolutely.
My mother reached out and grabbed my arm, her skinny fingers digging into me. “You think you’re better than us now, because you have a new fancy job?”
“Construction is hardly fancy, Mom,” I said evenly. She ignored that.
“You may have abandoned us to your old life, but we’re still stuck here.
You walked away from this family, Dax, and Sean, he had to make some hard calls.
Maybe they weren’t the right decisions but we were desperate enough and now look.
You owe us this. If he goes under, it’ll be your hands holding him down,” she hissed.
I shook off her grip and took a step back.
Guilt hit me like a gut punch, and one so much stronger than any resentment I might have had for my family.
They looked pathetic. Worn down, ragged, exhausted.
I knew what my mother was trying to imply here, and the road she was essentially shoving me down.
I hated that I felt even slightly obligated to walk it on my own.
“Don’t contact me again. If I need to talk to you, I’ll reach out,” I said, turning around and stalking back out of the alley.
*
I kicked the heavy front door open with the toe of my boot. A sharp rattle of loose brass hardware announced my entrance as I walked inside. I was soaked through, the cold Chicago rain mixing with the hot, sour sweat on the back of my neck.
I’d barely made it three steps before Bear’s grating voice cut through the dust from the living room.
“You’re forty minutes late.” He didn’t even look up from his clipboard, but his shoulders were rigid.
“We’re losing daylight on the master bath rough-in wiring and you’re taking your precious time showing up. ”
I dropped my tool bag down and pulled out my wire cutters. “I don’t need a whole day to wire a simple junction box.”
Sy, who I hadn’t seen when I first came in, stopped checking a random doorframe for plumb with a spirit level. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Nothing,” I said, maybe too snappy to really sell it. “We’re running behind, right? Let’s get to work.”
I made my way down to the master bathroom and didn’t bother checking to see how the other two reacted. But I was glad to hear they didn’t bother saying anything else.
For the next hour or two, I threw myself into my work. My mother’s voice was still echoing in my ears, her grip still viselike on my arm. My chest felt tight and hot and if I didn’t hyperfocus on whatever the hell I was doing, I was scared I was going to lose it.
At one point, Lane peeked her head into the bathroom, doing her regular rounds whenever she was home nowadays and asked if any of us wanted something from the kitchen.
I could feel her staring at me from the corner of my vision and I deliberately made sure to increase the volume of my tool-use, trying to drown out even her because God knows that woman was the last thing I needed right now.
I didn’t need the hard gaze that made me feel like I was standing under a spotlight. I didn’t need the temptation to buckle.
When Bear called Silas and I over to help him set up Lane’s ridiculously massive solid oak framed mirror, I knew I was in for it. I’d tried to deliberately avoid group tasks but because Lane insisted on getting this fuck-ass two-hundred pound relic, I was forced to deal with everyone else head on.
I knew I wasn’t myself. I knew it even before I took up my place on the bottom pivot step because all I could still hear was that accusation.
You walked away from this family, Dax.
My grip slacked on the dust-slicked wood. Sy cussed and Bear rattled out some warning that sounded like it was coming from above a body of water I was plunged into.
If he goes under, it’ll be your hands holding him down.
The mirror slipped out of my palms and crashed violently against the radiator baseboard. The leaded glass shattered across the floor, the sound of the crash drawing Lane from her room.
“Stand back,” Silas warned, holding an arm out while he tried to step around the mess. “We’ll get this cleaned up soon. Sorry about the mirror, Lane.”
She said something about it being okay, and how she didn’t care about the mirror as long as no one got hurt. But that didn’t matter because Bear clearly thought it did. He stepped right over the glass, shoving me back so hard that I slammed into the wall.
“What the hell was that, Miller!” he yelled. He looked angrier than I think I ever saw him since I’d known him. The tension in the room sharpened. I slowly peeled myself back off the wall and shook my arms loose.
“That was a lucky shot you got there, Wade. Try it again on even footing and see where it takes you,” I said, keeping my voice low.
Bear’s jaw ticked and he took a step forward. He was stockier than I was, still built from his years in the military. But I had two inches of height on him, explosive shoulders and years spent fighting to live. And if it was a fight he wanted, it was a fight he was going to get.
“Guys, stop!” Lane yelled. “What’s wrong with both of you!”
“Come on, break it up,” Sy said, stepping his massive frame between us. I didn’t wait for him to defuse the situation. My heart was hammering, a toxic hit of adrenaline lighting up every muscle. My body was itching for a collision. It wanted the one thing I actually knew how to do.
Making huge, stupid mistakes.
“If he would stop screwing up, there’d be nothing to break up,” Bear growled.
I planted my palms into Bear's chest and shoved him back. When he lunged, I rolled my shoulder, letting his momentum carry him past me before I slammed my weight into his flank.
“Why don’t you just say what this is all really about, huh? We both know you’re not bitching out over dropping a mirror or me coming in late,” I taunted.
Bear was facing me again, and I recognized the look he was giving me because it was the same sort of calculated assessment I was giving him. He was weighing me up, looking to see if I would actually follow through. Working out the odds.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he said darkly.
“You know exactly what it means,” I barked, a bitter, breathless laugh slipping out. “This isn’t about the timeline or the mirror. You play the high-and-mighty boy scout because you think it makes you better than me. But I’m not the only one that messed up, am I?”
His eyes flashed as my words sunk in. I’d hit the mark. We both knew that he wanted her just as much as I did.
“You’re the only one crossing the line, Miller,” he gritted out between clenched teeth.
“And that kills you, doesn’t it? I smirked.
For all the way I was antagonizing him, I still didn’t expect the right hook. A blinding white flashed behind my eyes as pain radiated from my left brow ridge, followed instantly by the metallic taste of copper and I knew he’d split my lip.