21 - Lane
Lane
It was late by the time I got back home.
I felt a thousand pounds heavier as I dragged my feet up the walkway, Dax’s words playing on repeat in my head over and over again. I should’ve said something. I should’ve found the guts to open up that part of myself and show him that he wasn’t alone in what he was feeling, but I didn’t.
I felt like I’d just failed all three men. I’d failed myself.
The house was low-lit, the only sounds of activity drifting up from the guest bathroom.
I followed it mindlessly, feeling like a zombie.
Bear was the only one here, crouching in a corner and leaning back on his heels as he used a cold chisel and rubber mallet to manually chip away at the dried ridges of old mortar.
“Ah, you’re back,” he said, not looking up from his task. “So much for keeping us updated. I was about to call the cops or something.”
I didn’t respond beyond a vague hum, stepping inside and wrapping my arms around myself as I watched him work.
“I sent Sy home already. I’m just making sure the concrete is level before we install your new shower. Sandy has me working like a medieval monk over here,” he added, still too engrossed in what he was doing to notice that I was slowly falling apart right in front of him.
“You’re quiet. If you’re worrying about the old man, you shouldn’t.
We’re gonna get this stop order figured out and until then, me and the guys are gonna do whatever we can to get the job done, completely off-book.
I promise you that.” He put his tools down and leaned down closer to examine something.
“And if you’re still thinking about that lockbox, don’t worry about that either. It’s still where we left it.”
That was the final straw.
I pictured the hole in the main bathroom floor where decades’ worth of secrets were buried, ones that had the power to potentially ruin my future and stability despite how hard I’d fought for both.
And once the dam started breaking, there was no going back.
Every other problem that I’d ignored until this point began fracturing that wall.
It was all too much.
The mystery behind Uncle Ricky’s ties to Sandy’s shady dealings, the fact the proof was still sitting in a lockbox in another room, my mother’s plans to try and displace me and now everything with Dax.
The tiny bit of comfort I’d allowed myself to indulge in these past months had been snatched away from me and I couldn’t hold back the fear and pain anymore.
I dropped to my knees on the grimy floor, tears starting to stream down my cheeks as an ugly sob tore itself from my throat.
Bear’s head immediately snapped towards me, and before I knew it, he’d crossed the short distance it took to reach me.
He pulled me into his arms and let me cry against his chest and I just broke down.
I was so, so tired of being strong all the time. I could never show any cracks, not in the courtroom, not in my personal life, and for the longest time, I genuinely thought I could live that way for the rest of my life. But now, I was buckling beneath all the weight I was trying to carry alone.
Bear’s strong arms and chest provided a cocoon of sturdy warmth, his scent filling my nose. He put his cheek on the top of my head and just held me tightly, letting me use his body as an anchor and a shield.
“I’ve got you,” he whispered, his voice softer than I’d ever heard it. “I’ve got you, Lane.”
I tried choking back another sob but it only made things worse. I was holding onto him with the same sort of life-dependent strength I’d held onto Dax with, when he’d taken me out on the back of his bike. I had that same feeling that if I let go, I was going to spin out of control and fall off.
I was drowning in my own body.
I swallowed back more tears, trying and failing to speak and Bear just hushed me, rubbing small, reassuring circles on my back. “You don’t have to say anything yet. Just breathe for me, okay?”
My chest filled up with air as I listened to him, but I was still shuddering hard, struggling to catch my breath. Bear pressed his lips to my temple and took one of my hands and put it against his chest.
“Breathe with me, okay? In…”
We both took a slow, deep inhale. I could feel his steady heartbeat against my palm. It grounded me, my own heartbeat slowing down a step.
“And out,” he finished.
We exhaled in sync. His big hands continued to rub soothing circles on my back.
“And again.”
We repeated the steps until my body had started to calm down. Slowly, I came back to myself enough to stop blubbering but tears were still streaming down my face. It was years of build up and repression that only now found a source of release.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know,” Bear said.
I didn’t bother asking how he knew that. It would’ve been a bigger surprise if he hadn’t. My grip on his arm tightened. “Yes, I do. Or at least I’ve had to but I just can’t anymore, Bear. It’s so heavy.”
“Then let me carry it for you,” he replied softly, kissing my temple. “You don’t have to go through whatever this is by yourself. I’m right here. I’m always going to be right here.”
He kissed me again, on my cheek this time. It was such a chaste, affectionate gesture that filled me with warmth. I turned to face him and he kissed me again, closer to my mouth this time.
Something lit up inside of me.
I needed his words and his comfort but there was more that I wanted.
I wanted to feel the physical proof of that promise he just made me.
Over the years, Uncle Ricky and Nance had been my rock when it came to a support system.
They’d helped me, encouraged me, guided when I needed it and I tried to be there for them just as much.
But there was a world of difference between those bonds and what Bear could offer me.
His body could not only provide strength for me to lean on, but a pleasure so deep I could lose myself in that instead. That was what I wanted. That need fused to my desire and my eyes glazed over as I met his next soft kiss with my lips.
When we broke apart, I could see a similar building hunger in Bear’s eyes. He covered the hand that was still resting on his chest and pressed it harder against his body, then leaned in and kissed my forehead. I pressed my mouth to his jaw and chin, so eager to just feel any part of him.
We continued this way, silent tears still falling down my cheeks until Bear cupped my face and finally deepened the next kiss we shared. My mouth popped open against his, my tongue seeking out his instantly.
This, this was exactly what I needed. Heat to combat the cold.
What started as slow soon became frantic, and I pulled on Bear’s shirt, needing it off him immediately. He didn’t protest. Every touch on my body convinced me that he just knew what I wanted and that this was his way of keeping his word. I let myself melt and I let myself take.
The moment his torso was exposed, I ran my hands across his skin. He gasped into my mouth, flinching at the coldness of my hands but he didn’t pull away, he leaned into me instead. I let my hands trail everywhere, explored the expanse of skin and muscle.
Bear wiped his thumbs across my wet cheeks, moving his lips to kiss my tears dry. His fingers slid down my neck, pausing at my collarbones before slipping lower. When he got my shirt off, he pulled me right onto his lap.
We became a tangle of limbs and hands wrapping themselves in hair, tongues tasting skin and shared body heat.
I sighed in relief as his fingers found my nipples through my bra, and they stiffened under his ministrations.
I repositioned myself so that I was straddling his thigh but also had my knee between his legs.
Slowly and carefully, I began to rub my knee against his hardness and Bear grunted, his breath hitching as he dove down to mouth my breasts through the fabric. I arched my back against him and rocked myself on his thigh. We moved like that together, panting.
To my delight, every other thought that wasn’t the building pressure between my legs or Bear’s mouth on my bra faded away to white noise. I grabbed the back of his neck and held his head against my chest, my eyes pinching shut.
Bear groaned my name as I stroked his back and right as his fingers started feverishly unclipping my bra clasps, the sound of footsteps coming to an abrupt stop broke us apart like we’d just been drenched in cold water.
Dax stood in the doorway, his face shell-shocked.
He took in the sight of Bear and I half-naked and still tangled together, his throat bobbing. Then he took a step back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just wanted to…I should go.” He turned around to leave. Now, however, my voice was not only capable of showing up when needed, but seemed to have actively developed a will of its own because I called him back.
“Wait, Dax. Stay.”