Chapter 50
Dakota
I flipped over onto my back, my phone gripped in both my hands above my face, filtering blue light down onto my comforter through the darkening twilight. Micah had texted me; Mason had not.
Both of them knew where I lived now.
But I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about Mila and a slutty outfit and getting absolutely shitfaced to avoid thinking about everything that was wrong with my life.
Despite having a few days to come to terms with the knowledge that angels and demons were real, I didn’t feel much better about it.
I hadn’t spoken to Mason about anything, either.
The last time I saw him was when he left Micah’s house the morning I discovered the truth of why I’d felt so uneasy around them at first, of why their physical appearances were so inhumanly perfect.
Fallen angels.
My thumbs flew over the cracked screen of my phone as I tapped out a message to Mila.
Me : Are you still going out tonight?
Her little response bubble popped up almost instantly, unwinding some of the tension in my chest. I rolled over onto my side while I watched her type, tucking my legs up and chewing on my lower lip.
My eyes flicked over to the window of my bedroom, staring at the purple sky through my broken blinds until I felt my phone buzz.
Mila : Yes. It’s me, Serena, and Zoey. Do you want to come now?! Please say yes. I miss you
I smiled, toes wiggling in my fuzzy socks.
Me : If that’s okay with you, yes. I need to get out of here for a night
Mila : Of course it’s okay with me! Do you want me to pick you up? I’ll have to leave pretty soon if you want that
Me : That would be amazing. I’ll be ready, just let me know when you’re here
Right after I sent the message, I rolled out of bed, feet hitting the thin carpet on my floor. I needed this night, for more than one reason. I needed to see my best friend, and I needed to black out. Two birds with one stone.
I walked into the bathroom, flicking the switch on the wall to turn the light on as I rubbed my tired eyes.
The most recent Unit Ops lab didn’t have a lab report like the first one, but it did have a presentation, which would be due soon.
That combined with homework and studying for all my other classes was only compounding on top of my stress regarding Mason and Micah.
I couldn’t get a fucking break.
Looking in the dingy mirror, I stared at my green eyes, the dark circles underneath them, the silver locket resting between my collarbones.
Angels are real, and I know two of them.
…Nope. Not today.
I yanked open the top drawer on my plastic organizer and grabbed my hairbrush, then started dragging it through my hair. Using the rubber band on my wrist, I pulled it back into a long ponytail on the back of my head, leaving out the shorter pieces that framed my face.
My phone buzzed on the edge of the sink, the vibration causing it to clatter down off into the ceramic basin and making me jump.
Thank God the water wasn’t on. I swiped it up, reading a message from Mila informing me that she’d left her apartment, then set it down more carefully next to my toothbrush cup where the ledge was wider.
I didn’t own many clothes that I considered ‘going-out’ clothes, but I did own a lot of black, which would work for my purposes.
It was getting cold outside, so I tugged on a pair of sheer black tights before my shorts—also black, and tight, and short.
I flicked through my shirts on the hangers, landing on my lowest cut black long sleeve top, then pulled that on too.
I didn’t look especially sexy, but I felt cute enough.
I stomped back into the bathroom with my big boots on, then quickly did my eyeliner and mascara before smoothing my lips with Aquaphor. I could fuck someone tonight if I wanted—someone other than the fucking nightmare men I’d accidentally trapped myself with.
That thought didn’t bring me much joy, but I could pretend it did, pretend I might actually enjoy a nameless hookup, while knowing in my idiotic heart that I was too attached to both of them for that.
Both of them.
Even that sentence was messed up, hence the need for alcohol.
Mila arrived after a few minutes, singing shamelessly to her music as I locked my front door then darted down the steps, already shivering. I hopped in her passenger seat, grateful for the heat on full blast.
“You look like Lara Croft,” she said, tugging my ponytail. “This is cute.”
“Thank you, Mils. You look sexy.”
“Thanks, zayka.” She grinned and went back to singing Knee Socks by Arctic Monkeys. Her happiness was contagious, and I was singing right along with her before long, head tipped back on the seat, a goofy smile pasted on my face.
We were meeting Mila’s med school friends at the club, so once we got to Mila’s apartment, she ordered a car from her phone.
Ivan and Ekaterina were watching a movie on the couch, but they both cheered as Mila and I downed a couple shots of Russian Standard out of shot glasses themed after different classic horror movies.
It wasn’t long before we were linking up with Serena and Zoey inside the same club we’d been to last time I went out.
We went to the wave-shaped bar and ordered our first round, giggling about stupid shit.
The music was pumping and the lights were low and my problems were getting farther and farther with each cheap drink I swallowed.
Pink and blue and green lights smeared in my vision, sweaty bodies pushing up against me from all sides. My ponytail was swinging and my head was fuzzy, all my thoughts turning soft and gooey. I liked being normal. I liked this. Fuck everything else.
I started staggering towards the bathroom, fighting my way through a throng of dancing people, trying to keep control of all my limbs.
It felt like I was going to pee my pants.
I tripped over my own shoe, slamming into the back of a very tall man to keep upright.
I slurred out my best apology. I’m so drunk right now.
Holy shit. I should not be separating from Mila.
Whirling back around, I tried to march back to where I’d last seen her, my brain spinning and my decision-making skills nonexistent.
Or my foresight skills. Whatever part of the brain was supposed to be making me pick all the right choices had stopped working entirely.
Probably stopped working a while ago. What the hell part of the brain was that?
My prefrontal cortex, I think…It’s not done developing.
Should it be developed at this age? Does trauma fuck that shit up?
Am I permanently ruined? I’ll probably never, ever make good choices if that’s the case. If trauma messes it up.
God, where is Mila?
A hand gripped my shoulder and I turned to meet Zoey’s bright eyes, spotting Mila behind her, drunkenly dancing her ass off. Yes. Good. I reached for her, joining the small circle of girls I mostly knew, grabbing for soft, girly hands to hold.
“I have to pee!” I announced.
“Me too!” Mila shrieked, tossing her arm around the back of my neck, nearly pulling me down to the ground.
I used all my strength to keep standing, then started dragging her towards the bathroom, my vision swirling.
The thudding bass was affecting my heartbeat, and my feet were so damn heavy I wanted to take my boots off. No. Leave them on.
We pushed into the bathroom, leaning against the wall while we waited in line for a stall. The tile was cold on my back, and it felt good.
I feel so good. I should do this all the time.
I could hardly get my shorts and tights pulled down in time once we got in the stall, my bladder about to literally explode.
Mila pulled a vape out of her purse, sucking in some lychee-ice air, then exhaling the fruity cloud towards the ceiling.
She peed after I did, then we washed our hands and left the bathroom.
As we waded through the crowd, I started to get the feeling I was being watched.
I swiveled my head around, scanning all the faces I could see, half-expecting to hallucinate Mason again—or maybe he was here for real. Maybe he’d been here the first time, too.
I missed him. I missed Micah.
Don’t miss them. Don’t be fucking stupid.
Whenever I thought about sucking Mason’s dick in front of Micah, it made me sweat and press my thighs together. I wanted more of that, more of both of them. They had obviously known each other for a lot longer than they’d known me. I wanted to know why.
A hand clamped over my mouth from behind, just as Mila slipped between two tall people. My eyes flew wide open. I grabbed pointlessly for my best friend, who was now out of sight.
The darkness of the ocean, a thunderstorm over choppy waves.
The smell of him made my stomach flip, and my body instantly relaxed backward into his warmth. Fuck. He didn’t move his palm from my mouth, so I couldn’t speak, but my thoughts were all so fuzzy I didn’t know what I’d even say. I could feel his breath on my ear.
“Remember I’ll always be here, baby,” he murmured, low, his voice blending with the music. “Don’t go running too far into that forest. Don’t disappear.”
Don’t let me disappear.
His other hand was holding my hipbone, keeping me pressed against him.
All the reasons Mason was bad for me didn’t matter now. With my blood buzzing, my veins weighted with alcohol, my body weak in his strong arms. I just wanted him. My want for Mason felt like a sickness, the kind with no cure.
“You think he can keep you safe?” Mason pushed, taunting me. “You’ll always run back to me.”
But as quick as he’d come onto me, he disappeared into the sea of people.
I turned around, eyes searching wildly for his face, not finding anything.
What the fuck.
He just wanted to remind me that he still existed, to fuck my night up, then dissolve into nothingness. I should’ve expected it from him, knowing he hated me for what I was doing with Micah, but I hadn’t expected it. Not really.
You’ll always run back to me.
It was the truth I tried to hide from myself. Even when I was with Micah and telling myself he was the only thing I wanted, telling myself I wouldn’t go back to Mason again, that the previous time was the last time, I still wanted to. His rough edges matched mine. Jagged in the same ways.
I forced myself in the direction I’d seen Mila go, determined to get even more alcohol in my system—hopefully enough to forget seeing Mason at all. It was safer, better for me, if I didn’t remember him. Less things for my mind to be conflicted over.
Less pain in the end.