Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
They walked for hours in the dark, and each step was harder than the last for Lara.
The coat helped with the biting wind, but the temperature dropped as the night went on, and the cold seeped through her layers of clothing.
She kept her head down to shield her face from the chill and the stinging dust, watching the ground, every inch of which was covered in the same dirt and grass, slowly creeping by.
Lara had endured the cold and the wind all her life, but their bite had been diminished by the structures around Cheyenne, and the walls of her shack had provided much better shelter than this wide-open nothingness.
She pulled up the collar of the coat, clutching it around her neck to seal in some heat.
Her fingers were going numb, and her cheeks and nose stung beneath her scarf, which she’d wrapped around her lower face.
Her pack sagged heavily. She hopped to kick it up, grasping a strap with one hand to hold it in place.
Ronin’s tracks continued through the dirt ahead of her. She followed them, comforted by the crunching of his boots. Lifting her head to look at him would’ve exposed her to the frigid, dust-laden gusts.
“R-R-Ronin,” she called, chin quivering.
His steady stride stopped, and his boots shifted as he turned toward her. “What’s wrong?”
“F-Freezing.”
“We must keep moving, Lara. You’re only going to get colder if we stop.”
Shivering, she risked a glance at him. His mouth and nose were hidden behind his mask. She moved closer to seek the shelter of his body. “How m-much farther?”
“A long way.”
She could hear the frown in his tone. Eyes slitted against the wind, she watched him adjust his packs and shrug off one sleeve of his coat.
He drew Lara against him, curling his arm around her shoulders and wrapping his coat around her.
She huddled down, pressing her face to his side, and embraced him, letting his warmth suffuse her.
Lara’s eyes drifted shut, and she leaned against Ronin. Her legs were stiff and weak after miles of trekking through the Dust. If only she could sleep, just a little…
“Come on.” Ronin squeezed her arm and walked forward, forcing her to move her legs to keep close to his warmth. “This’ll be the hardest night, if we’re lucky.”
She knew he could go all night and through the next day without missing a step, knew she was just slowing him down. But she swallowed her guilt and focused on walking, on his warmth, on his scent, on the rustling of fabric as he moved. On anything but how cold and exhausted she was.
“Distract me, Ronin.”
“What kind of places would you like to see?”
“The ocean,” she replied without hesitation. “I saw a picture in one of the books in the attic.”
It had been such a beautiful, vivid blue.
Ronin stroked her arm with his thumb. “Pictures don’t do it justice. The waves are endless, always in motion, always changing, capable of both the most soothing gentleness and the most furious turbulence.”
He extended his free hand and swept it wide, indicating the entire horizon.
“It’s so vast that you’d have to journey for weeks on its waters to reach the other side.
Everything is so small compared to the oceans.
Us, all our worries, our needs, our problems…
It all seems insignificant in the face of something so massive. ”
“Have you seen it? The other side?”
“If I have, I don’t remember. But I know it’s there.”
Lara tipped her head back and peered up at him. “Is the water really that blue?”
“Sometimes. But the only blue seas that captivate me are your eyes, Lara. I could drift in them forever and be content.”
Warmth suffused her cheeks, chasing away some of the cold.
He smiled knowingly. “The ocean can also have shades of green or gray. I think in some places, it has no color at all, and it’s so clear you can see to the bottom.”
“I’d like to see all its colors.”
He rubbed his hand up and down her shoulder, generating additional warmth. “That’s no small desire.”
“We have the whole world ahead of us, don’t we?” She smirked at him, though he couldn’t see it through her scarf.
“All of it,” he agreed, facing forward again, “but I reserve the right not to take you to certain parts.”
“What parts?”
“The Dust is only one piece of this world. A big one, to be certain, but there are much worse places. Places that would kill you if you went too close.”
Lara nuzzled her cheek against him. “As long as I’m with you, I don’t care which parts we skip.”
Her words drifted away on the wind, and she and Ronin walked in comfortable silence for a long while. Lara’s eyelids were heavy, and her legs grew more so with each step. His hold on her tightened as she gradually sagged against him.
“How did you learn to dance the way you do, Lara?”
His question jarred her out of near-sleep, and her tired mind struggled to understand what he’d asked.
“When I was little, I saw a woman dancing outside her shack. I spied on her, like you did to me. I didn’t know what to make of it, only that it looked beautiful.
So, I started doing it, too, copying her poses, matching her movements.
Then I started practicing on my own. I quickly learned that it was a way not only to express myself, but to escape from reality, if only for a little bit. And I felt so…free. I loved it.”
“People dance at places like Kitty’s, but I’ve never seen anyone dance like you.”
“Places like Kitty’s, huh?” That nauseating weight returned to her belly, and a fire sparked in her chest. How many women had he watched?
How many of them had he…fucked?
“Most settlements have similar establishments,” Ronin said. “Never held much interest for me. They usually look so…lifeless on stage.”
“Probably not so lifeless in bed,” Lara muttered.
She didn’t like this feeling, this jealousy, but it wouldn’t go away. All she could imagine now was Ronin’s body moving between someone else’s thighs, him touching them with those strong, gentle hands and passionately kissing them, like he’d kissed her.
Had Ronin had the same connection with another woman as he shared with Lara? Had he…loved them?
Clenching her teeth, she pulled away from him. Lara knew she had no right to be upset about his past, but she couldn’t stand the thought of him making love to another person.
Ronin didn’t let her get far before he drew her back against his chest. It was difficult to resist, despite her fiery emotions, given the heat he emitted.
He caught her chin and lifted it, forcing her gaze up to meet his. “The last person I coupled with before you was a synth. That was four thousand, one hundred and twelve days before I met you. Eleven years ago. When we finished, we went our separate ways without a backward glance.”
Lara wasn’t surprised that he knew it down to the day, but had it really been that long?
Though she didn’t want to know the answer to her next question, not really, it came out anyway. “What about human women?”
“There’ve been two, both the same situation as with the synth. There was never a connection with any of them beyond physical coupling.”
As easy as it would’ve been to get angry at him, to accuse him of lying about the nature of his past couplings, she couldn’t.
Lara knew he was being honest. How could she fault him for things that had happened before he’d met her?
His mind captured everything, every minute detail of every experience.
His past relationships weren’t important. He’d chosen to be with Lara. He cared for her, and she loved him.
Ronin released her chin and guided her back to his side beneath his coat.
“I’m sure I was active before the Blackout, though I don’t remember anything from that time.
I don’t know how long I existed, who I associated with, or what purpose I might’ve served.
Don’t know if I coupled with anyone else. ”
“It doesn’t matter. The past is in the past.” Saying it out loud helped ease Lara’s remaining tension. If she were to think about it really hard, she was sure she’d still be jealous of those other women, but that couldn’t be helped. Ronin was hers.
“Was the woman you watched different too?” he asked.
“Different how?”
“You move with emotion. Lose yourself in it. Was she the same?”
“Yeah.” The memories were fuzzy, like they’d come from a different life. “At Kitty’s, we danced because we had to. That was the only way we could earn credits to buy food. Nobody was there to watch us express our feelings. They just wanted us to shake our tits around.”
“I do enjoy your breasts,” Ronin said thoughtfully.
Lara lightly smacked his chest.
If he’d felt it, he made no indication. “But it wasn’t your body that first caught my attention, Lara. It was the way you moved. That dance spoke everything in your heart before you said your first fuck off to me.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “That’s not the first thing I said to you.”
“No. First, you asked who I was. Then it was get out, followed by I know what you are. You’re a—”
“Okay, okay, I get it. I don’t know if that memory of yours is a good thing or not.” She peeked up at him briefly before burying her face in his warmth.
“I remember everything that’s happened since I woke. All the pain, the struggles, the terrible moments. But all the good, too. There’s not nearly as much of that…but it seems to go a lot further.”
“Will you remember me when I’m gone, Ronin?”
His stride faltered, body going rigid before he stopped. She looked up again to find his intense eyes on her.
Raising a hand, he grazed his fingertip along her brow, brushing aside the stray strands of hair that had escaped her scarf. “Even through another Blackout, I could never forget you, Lara Brooks.”
This time, she couldn’t blame the sting in her eyes on the wind. She hid her face again, refusing to let him see her cry. Did he love her?
They resumed their walk. He’d successfully distracted her; her mind was racing, examining everything he’d said to her, everything he’d done for her…
Hours passed. As the first light of dawn touched the sky, exhaustion came for Lara, making her legs give out beneath her.
But Ronin’s unwavering hold wouldn’t allow her to fall. He dipped down and scooped her into his arms without missing a step. “A little farther. There’s a place ahead where we can shelter for a time.”
Her lead lolled against him, and she turned into his warmth, throwing an arm over his neck. The only response she could manage was a weak nod.
The gentle sound of water sloshing in his bag and the steady rhythm of his footfalls lulled her.
He was moving faster now that he was carrying her, but his pace didn’t jostle her.
It was comforting. And while she focused on his heat, on the solidness of his body, her aches, pains, and weariness faded away for a while.