15. Fiji #2
"Yeah." He nudges my knee with his. "I'm sorry you're here without her."
"Don't. Not on your wedding night. I'm not doing that to you." I glance back at the group. "Honest? I feel a little guilty I'm not in more of a hurry to get home."
"Because of this group of knuckleheads?"
"Nah. Something else. It's stupid."
"I'm the reigning expert in stupid. Go ahead."
"Just a pain in the ass at work," I say. "Getting under my skin."
Herc gets quiet. "This pain in the ass. Of the female persuasion?"
I don't answer that. I lift my glass and toast to him instead.
He laughs, low, and claps a hand on my shoulder. "I'll be expecting to hear from you, Doc."
"Go find your wife."
I watch him cross back to Bella. She leans her head back without looking, just knows he's there, and he bends down and kisses her temple. Twenty-one years of these nights, and Herc finally has somebody to go back to.
About time.
***
We make the last toast a little after one. Herc on his feet, glass up.
"To the Thirteen. The ones with us, and those we’ve lost."
We drink to that. To everybody who's here, and to Gabe, and to Tunes. I feel Beth when I lift my glass. Herc catches my eye over the rim and gives me the smallest nod, and that's the whole of it.
Herc and Bella make the first exit. Bella stops at the door and looks back at Stone.
"Don't wait up."
"On your wedding night?" Stone puts a hand over his heart. "Rude."
"Now she understands marriage," I say, and Herc points at me on his way out.
Then the rest of us start moving, loose and easy.
"We’re staying through Thursday," Stone says, stretching out long in his chair. "Sara found a turtle thing."
"There's a turtle thing," Sara confirms. Then, quieter, to me, "First time we've ever left Max. I almost didn't make it through the preflight."
"How are you holding up?"
"I miss him so much it's embarrassing." She smiles, and it's real underneath it. "And I'm going to swim with sea turtles in Fiji for three more days and let his grandmother spoil him rotten and I'm not apologizing for any of it."
"Good," I tell her, and I mean it. "You've more than earned it."
"Admiral?"
"Couple more days." He swirls what's left in his glass. "Don't get to this side of the world often. Going to sit in it a while."
"Doc?"
"Morning flight. Love you all, but I’m getting back to Ellie."
Stone opens his mouth and Sara grabs his hand. “Time to go Finn.”
She pauses at Eli’s chair and wakes him up gently. The three of them walk toward their bures.
Admiral sets his glass down on the table, slow and deliberate.
"Walk with me?"
It’s not a question. Never is with him.
We take the path down to the beach with our glasses and what's left of the bottle. Far enough that the only sound left is the water caressing the shore. Admiral lowers himself onto the sand with a grunt that tells me how old we're all getting, and I sit beside him.
He tops us both off.
We both stare out at the water, not saying anything for a while. That's the thing about sitting with Admiral, he doesn't fill quiet the way some men do. He just lets it be what it is until there's something worth saying.
"So, the last time we spoke," he says finally. "How about an update?"
"There’s a lot to figure out."
"Always is." He looks at the water. "This is new territory for you, Doc. I’m here. In person. Talk to me."
I dig my heels into the sand and keep looking at the water. It’s easier than looking at him.
"Her name's Annie," I say. "She's the PA at the clinic. Came with the building when I bought the practice.”
“What’s she like?”
“Sharp. Stubborn. Won't let me get away with a single thing. Best thing that place has got, and she's been a pain in my ass since the day I walked in."
"And somehow, she’s stopped being the hard part of my day.” I turn the glass. “And now I’m finding that she’s the part I look forward to."
"And."
"And it's the first time in four years I've felt anything close to this for a real person." I shake my head.
"I know it's not a betrayal. I know Beth's gone and she wouldn’t want me to finish this life alone. But Bob, I find myself thinking about Annie more than Beth these days and I don't know what to do with that."
He's quiet for a bit. The waves ebb and flow.
"You can care about two people at the same time, Doc," he says.
"That's it. That's the whole answer. Beth has had all of you every single day since you met her in Riordan’s a thousand years ago.
She always will. But Doc, that heart of yours has room for more.
Feeling something for Annie doesn't crowd Beth’s part of your heart. Not a bit."
I stay quiet.
"You’re still alive, Doc. You’re feeling the growing pains of moving on," he says. "That's all this is. You have found someone who stirs something in you. It's okay that she’s taking up more headspace right now. Beth was on your mind constantly because you didn’t have anything else. Now you do."
"Annie’s pretty closed off," I say.
"Closed off isn't closed. Means she hasn't decided yet. Give her time." He looks at me. "You’re the most patient man I know, Doc. Give her time.”
"Ellie," I say. Quieter. The one that keeps me up more than any of the rest of it.
"That kid has been loved her whole life by more people than most kids ever get." He looks at me steady. "She watched you love her mother all the way through the end and after. You think the thing she took away from that is, don’t ever do it again?
I had never even considered that.
"You watched those knuckleheads pile onto that call tonight," he says. "She's got a whole crew, Doc. She was going to be okay before Annie showed up, and she'll be okay either way after.
"And if it doesn't work," I say. "If I bring somebody into our life and it falls apart. That will be another loss."
"Then you'll have taught her something true," he says. "That you don't protect yourself by refusing to reach for things. That being brave enough to want something is the whole point, even when it doesn't work out."
He finishes his drink. "You can't raise a kid to be fearless from behind a wall, Doc. You know that."
After a bit he hauls himself up off the sand and puts a hand down to pull me up after him and we start back toward the lights and our empty bures.
Lying in bed I think about him. Admiral, the man who is full of sage advice when any of us needs it. The man who walks us all through our relationships.
He goes home alone, every single time.
I never ask. He'd hate it.
But I notice. I always notice. And I think, not for the first time, that Admiral gives away a lot more of this than he ever keeps.
***
Early morning commercial flight out. Somewhere over a few thousand miles of empty ocean most of the plane is asleep. Not me.
I’m thinking about Beth. On purpose. It used to break me open to do that, the first couple of years. Now it's something I can handle and even look forward to.
Beth, baby. I will love you forever. You know that. Just give me some kind of sign you’re okay with this.
The plane continues to vibrate and the cabin noise has quieted down. But nothing from Beth.
I think about what Admiral said on the beach. You can care about two people at the same time. I've been trying to wrap my head around that completely since I went to bed, waiting for it to feel wrong, waiting for the guilt to show up.
But it hasn’t.
I finally truly internalize Admiral’s words floating over a dark ocean at thirty-six thousand feet, trying to be honest with myself. I think about Annie and I think about Beth and neither one of them cancels the other out.
I do have room for them both.
I think about Ellie's face on the call. The real grin. My brothers lined up to remind her she belongs to all of them, not just to me.
I made my world small after Beth died. A kid raised small learns to stay that way. That's not what I want for her.
I don't want to hide anymore.
For the first time in four years I'm pointing at something instead of away from everything.
I want to get home to Ellie.
I want to see Annie.
And I'm in a hurry to get there.