23. Atonement #2
Erin takes the backpack from the chair. “We’re getting fries.”
“Absolutely not,” I say.
Rhea smiles. “We’re getting fries.”
I point at Ellie. “Small lunch. Hydrate. No heroics.”
“I’m eating fries, Dad. I’m not scaling another waterfall.”
The whole room gets silent for a second.
Then Ellie winces. “Too soon?”
“By several decades,” I say.
She crutches to me and leans in enough for a careful hug. I hold her with one arm and kiss the top of her head.
“I love you.”
“I love you too. Go be with Annie.”
Rhea’s eyes dart to mine. Erin pretends not to listen and fails.
Ellie pulls back. “What? We all know.”
“Yes,” Rhea smiles, guiding Erin toward the door. “We all do.”
I watch them get Ellie down the steps and into Rhea’s car. I stand in the doorway until the car turns the corner and disappears.
Then there’s nothing left to do except take a deep breath and grab my keys.
***
The walk up to her door feels like it’s a mile from the driveway. I raise my hand to knock and suddenly realize…
I’m terrified.
I take a deep breath, and knock.
Nothing.
I wait. And then turn to leave.
No, get your ass back there. She’s home. You knock until she opens the door.
I try again.
Footsteps come from inside. The lock turns and I hold my breath as the door opens.
She opens the door in leggings, an old Coupeville sweatshirt, hair pulled back. She looks exhausted. Not sleepy. Worn down and leery.
She doesn’t invite me in. Her eyes look me over once.
“Ellie?”
“Home. Safe. Sore. Bruised. Stitches. Knee sprain. Crutches. Mild concussion.”
“Well. Thank you for coming by to tell me,” she says and starts to close the door.
I stick my foot in the door.
“Please. I came to apologize.”
“Okay.”
One word. No help.
“I can do it out here,” I say. “Or inside. Your choice.”
“Start talking.”
Okay Bie, one shot. Don’t screw this up.
“I was terrified for Ellie. I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t. I thought someone took her. I thought…” My voice breaks and I clear my throat. “I thought she might be dead. Thought I’d missed my last chance to keep her safe.”
Annie watches me with wary eyes.
“But none of that gave me the right to put it on you. Ian came after you. He put his hands on you. He used Ellie to hurt you, and then when you were still coming to grips with that, I took what you had left and dumped my drama on top of it.”
Her arms tighten over her middle.
“I blamed you for something you didn’t do. Even when I knew better, I didn’t act like I did.”
“No,” she says. “You didn’t.”
Direct hit. I’ll take it.
“Where is she?”
“Rhea and Erin took her to lunch.”
Her shoulders drop a little.
“She asked about you.”
That one gets through. I see it before she looks away.
“Did she?”
“Yes.”
“So, she was in the clinic?”
I look at her and try to soften this, but there is no other way to say it. “She was.”
“She must be so hurt.” Annie presses one hand to the edge of the door.
I want to reach for her wrist but I've lost the right to touch her.
Then she steps back and gestures to me to come in.
I stop in the entry as she closes the door.
“You look like hell,” she says.
“I feel like it.”
She walks past me, arms crossed, into the living room. When she turns, I can see her sleeve is pushed up far enough for me to see the edge of the bruises on her wrist.
My stomach turns.
“I knew that he hurt you, and I still let my fear become bigger than your pain.”
She turns to the fireplace, but doesn’t speak.
“I was wrong.”
She closes her eyes. “You shut me out. Not just from you. But from Ellie.”
“I know.”
“No, Doc. You don’t.” She steps closer, and there’s fire under the exhaustion now. “I was terrified too. She came to the clinic to see me. She probably heard him because he was there in the first place because of me. She was missing because of me. I’ve had to live with that in my head all night.”
“I know.”
She whirls around, pointing a finger at me. “Stop fucking saying that.” Her voice is shrill. “You don’t.”
I close my mouth.
She points toward town, toward last night. “Ian stood in that room and made me sound dirty. Made me sound opportunistic, slimy, and cruel. He made it sound like I was dangerous for the two of you. Then you found her phone, looked at my face and told me he was right.”
“No. That’s not what I said.”
“Yes.” Her voice breaks on the word, but she doesn’t stop. “You didn’t use the exact words, but you made me part of what hurt Ellie. You gutted me.”
I take that hit too.
I deserve it. And more.
“I’m sorry.”
“Cold comfort that fixes nothing.” She laughs once, short and painful. “And I’m not finished so stop talking.”
I nod.
“I care about Ellie.” She shouts. “And last night, I couldn’t call. I couldn’t ask. I couldn’t go to the hospital. I had to sit there and wait for town gossip to bring me information, because you made it very clear I didn’t belong anywhere near the center of it.”
“I did,” I whisper.
“And now you’re here.” She takes a step closer, yelling now. “And why? To make yourself feel better? To shovel magic words and bullshit at me and think that will make everything better?”
“No,” I shout back. “I’m here to own it.”
She scoffs loudly. “That’s not enough.”
“I know.”
Her eyes flash. “Then why?”
“Because I hurt you, and I don’t want to be a man who leaves you with that.”
“Feel better getting that off your chest?”
She’s mocking me now.
“I would, if I expected you to believe it.”
Her chin lifts.
“I don’t,” I say. “I’m not here to ask you to forgive me. I’m here because you deserved better from me last night, and I failed you.”
She smacks her hand flat against my chest. A stop sign made of skin and bone.
“Don’t you dare come here and say this shit when we both know you only pull me close when you want me and push me out the second you determine you need to handle something alone.”
“That’s bullshit,” I shout back at her.
“You came here to smooth everything back over to the status quo you need.” She hits me in the chest again. “I’m not going to be your private plaything.”
“You’re not, goddamn it.” My voice lifts before I can catch it. “I care about you. I want you in my life, Annie.”
She freezes with her hand still on my chest.
I hear what I’ve said. I won't take it back.
“I want you in my life,” I say again, quieter. “I want you in Ellie’s life, if that’s what you and Ellie want.”
Her fingertips dig into my shirt.
“But wanting you doesn’t earn me anything,” I say. “Wanting you doesn’t repair what I broke. I know I have work to do. I know I want to do that work. With you. With Ellie. With the truth.”
She stares at me.
My pulse is loud in my ears, but I keep going.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re dangerous to her. You aren’t. You’re good to her. She knows that. I know that. Fucking Ian knew it too, and he tried to weaponize it.”
Annie’s lips begin to tremble.
“I should’ve protected you from that,” I say. “I should have been here for you.”
Her hands splay out flat on my chest and she looks up to me.
“You swear.”
For a second, neither of us moves.
“On everything good in my life.”
She fists my shirt, pulls me down hard and kisses me.
Her mouth hits mine with anger, hurt, and want that hasn’t diminished. I grab her waist and pull her in hard against me.
I break the kiss just enough to breathe. “Annie.”
“Don’t.”
Her body presses against mine and every restless, guilty, terrified part of me is consumed and burned to the ground at her feet.
I want her in our lives.
God help me, I want her.