20.
I wake up early just like always, but it’s different without her in the bed beside me.
The morning routine has the same shape. So where’s the satisfaction?
The coffee and bagel taste as good as ever.
The wind on the beach is gentle and the waves are calm.
The sand is replete as ever with plastic trash.
I collect, I bag, I run. I feed the cats at the temple.
I’ve been neglecting them for too long. Rusty is fine.
The ginger tom has claimed a spot on the flat stones and Rusty has let him have it, which is either a sign of generosity or decline.
But it just doesn’t bring the same satisfaction as before.
I feel lonelier than I did when I first came here, and that makes no sense.
I haven’t lost her. Not really. She’s just not around right now.
I get a little more work done, and that’s something.
There’s always the grind to distract me.
I’m texting with Meena almost constantly and we have a few phone calls too.
The “lessons” aren’t formally structured the way they used to be, but I still pick up Thai just from the two of us talking.
It helps, makes everything feel normal. But it’s not the same as when Thalia’s here.
She messaged me as soon as she landed, and we’ve been keeping in contact.
We haven’t set a date for her return flight yet, but I don’t want to push too hard.
She’s spending time with her family and I don’t want to take the focus away from that.
But some part of me is worried. I can’t help but wonder what her parents are saying to her, whether they’re working her over and trying to convince her not to rush back to Thailand and an uncertain future with a guy she’s just met.
Can I blame her parents for wanting her to stay at home?
Honestly, no. The advice makes sense. From a career-minded perspective it doesn’t make a lot of sense to come back.
But Thalia’s career prospects are uncertain.
She’s not really certain what she should be doing, so shouldn’t she wait until she has a better idea?
Of course, all of this is motivated reasoning.
I want to convince myself that this is the best thing for her because it’s what I want.
True, she did make the choice for herself.
She paid for a year’s worth of classes when she didn’t have to.
That demonstrates commitment, says she really wants this for herself and not just because of me.
I don’t think she’ll walk away from that easily.
But then this little voice in the back of my head reminds me that we haven’t actually known each other for very long.
She’s young. Not a child, old enough to make her own choices.
But she’s at that stage of life where every choice comes easier because you feel there’s always time to make a different choice later.
Having started over more than once myself, I know that it’s not as straightforward as you hope it will be.
It’s true that at any stage you can always make a choice that will change your life, but it leaves a residue.
The strange thing is that I find myself wanting to tell Ava all about her.
When we were working together, we always had these secret confidences.
In my mind, she’s wearing that red cardigan that she used to call her ‘old lady top’ except that it really accentuated her exceptionally toned and supple curves.
I think she would smile at Thalia’s description and approve of the match.
Olivia, I’m not so sure about. She could be the most wonderful and generous person when you were her lover, but she could also show a flash of real anger at the thought of losing you.
I think she would turn green if she heard I was with another girl.
And speaking of green, it’s time for me to design yet another new goblin girl.
It doesn’t feel right somehow. I don’t want to expand the group any further.
If sixteen isn’t a crowd, what is? But readers demand a new girl who won’t replace the old ones.
They want to keep what they already have but still have something fresh and unexpected.
I’m thinking of modeling this new girl on Thalia.
Not physically, of course. Maybe her hair.
But I want to take what’s so entrancing about her and infuse the character with those qualities.
Let’s see. Thalia is impulsive. She’s the kind of girl who will bend the rules just for the fun of having said she’s done it.
She’s kind. The time bathing the elephants together shows it.
She can be insecure without ever letting it turn ugly.
Her self-consciousness is actually sweet because when it comes to what counts she’s actually totally self-assured.
She’s generous. She is willing to share her boyfriend with another woman.
It’s just a matter of taking that girl and putting her into goblin mode.
I find that the words come easier than normal, and with no distractions I’m writing 4,000 words a day or more sometimes.
I’m spending less time swimming or hanging out in the backyard.
It feels emptier without her there. I’m thinking about her, wondering if she’s still reading books in the series and which one she’s on.
Then, after the book has been live on Amazon for a few days, I get this five-star review.
I’M IN LOVE! Can’t believe how much I’m gushing over this series. All the girls are lovely, but there’s something special about this latest one. I’m now going to read everything written by my new favourite writer Thurston Kade.
The reviewer’s name is Thalia. It’s one review, but it makes me smile and probably helps with the algorithm too. I call her right away.
“Did you see the review?” she asks. “I just posted it last night.”
“It’s awesome, thank you,” I say. “It definitely made my day, and I’m grateful.
One thing though, you probably shouldn’t make a habit of posting every time I release a book.
Amazon tracks reviews and they’ll sometimes block ones that seem suspicious, including any from an account that is connected with me. ”
“Oh, is that a thing? Sorry, I didn’t know.”
“It’s fine, really,” I say. “Once won’t be a problem. It’s just, as an author on KDP, you get paranoid that Amazon is working against you since they almost always are.”
“Oh.”
“But it was a lovely gesture,” I say. “And I appreciate the boost. You didn’t actually read the book yet, did you?”
“No, I’m still on book seven, so I didn’t want to have any spoilers,” she says. “All your other books have dozens of reviews and this one only has like four others, so I decided that this was help where you most needed it.”
“And that was good thinking,” I say. “I saw it right away, and I loved it.”
“Good.”
“How are things at home?”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you,” she says. “Phuket already feels like home to me. I can’t wait to get back there.”
Hearing that makes my heart beat faster.
“Is everything good with your parents?”
“It’s okay,” she says. “I think they’ve more or less accepted that I’ll be gone for a year but I’ll come back. This feels like a contract that has to be renegotiated every year.”
“So, are you ready for me to book you that plane ticket?”
“Yes, please,” she says. “Any time in the next week. Shop around for the best price and don’t worry about my convenience. I can leave at midnight if it will get me to you faster and helps you save a few dollars.”
“I’ll do some searching and see what I can work out,” I say. “I’ll confirm with you first before I book.”
“Thanks, Sugar Daddy,” she says. “You probably shouldn’t believe me by now, but I’m really not trying to bleed you dry.”
“What are you talking about? I was the one who demanded that I pay for your ticket. You’re not taking advantage.”
“Are you having any fun without me?”
“Fun isn’t as much fun without you,” I say. “I don’t even go to the beach except for exercise. I’m mostly just hanging out at home, writing my stories—“
“And jerking off, right?”
“Well, a guy’s gotta do what he has to do when his women are away.”
“You know that Meena doesn’t masturbate?”
“No, I didn’t know that,” I say. “How do you know that?”
“She told me,” she says. “We’ve grown very close since our trip. We’re texting practically non-stop. I don’t think it was a secret exactly. It’s personal, obviously. But I know you won’t go spreading it around. I think between the three of us it’s fine. Even healthy to share stuff like that.”
“Huh,” I say.
“I know, right? Apparently, it’s fairly common among women from Asian cultures not to do it. How is that possible? I’d explode. I assumed all girls did it since I do it whenever I can.”
“That’s so cute,” I say. “I love how unfiltered you are about it.”
“Uh, yeah!” she says. “Why wouldn’t I be? It’s natural and beautiful. And lately I only do it when I’m thinking about you.”
“Well, that I’m very glad to hear.”
“Do you think about me?” she asks.
“Yes, but I picture you with pointy ears and green skin.”
She laughs. I can hear Queensland in it, that particular note, and I realize it’s been a few days since I’ve heard it in person.
“That’s going to mean some interesting experimentation when I get back.”
“Hurry back to me, okay? But have some fun while you’re there.”
“Okay,” she says, making kissy noises. “I miss you. I’ll see you soon.”
“Can’t wait.”
As soon as I get off the phone I check flights and prices.
It’s not easy to get a deal only a week out from the departure date, but the fact that I’m booking a one-way ticket helps a lot.
I send her a screenshot and she gives it a heart back within thirty seconds, which tells me she’s been waiting.
Booked. Done. Glad to have that done. I feel lighter already.