Chapter 12
ELIVANDER
Never holds her arms at her sides, defying me. She squirms, her thighs pinned together, toes rolled tight.
How could I be so lucky? I grip myself tighter.
You’re not lucky. I brought her to you, Kelter says, intruding on my thoughts.
Shut it. I’m busy.
He scoffs. Kind of hard to ignore.
I focus on the goosebumps on Never’s chest, the circles around her nipples. “You’re going to be my hands.”
Those indigo eyes look back at me, such desire—and unease. She can’t let go. Words. Thoughts. Her body. She’s always tied up tight… actually, that’s an idea for next—
No. Kelter’s voice scrapes through my mind.
Get out. I can’t block you when I’m feeling anything intense.
She grants me a nearly imperceptible nod, her bottom lip wavering, then her eyes fall shut.
“That’s my girl. Now squeeze those tits like I would.”
She tucks her fingers under her ass, probably to keep them from doing as I say. My rebel. She wants to see what happens if she misbehaves. If I could just put my hands on her. But this is the only way.
“Go on,” I say. “It’s only you and me here.”
And me.
I swear I’ll end you, Kelter.
You’d think you’d be a little less of a jerk toward me, he says.
I would not think that.
I’m you, Eli. I have every memory from every one of your lives. I loved every son like you did. I see—
Do. I cut short his rant. Like I do. That is only one of the many things that set us apart. It was real for me. And still is. Now fuck off.
But he continues. I see every new memory of yours as it forms, like you see and think and feel what I do. What else defines someone besides their past and memories?
Never’s fingers sneak up the sides of her tits, nervous breaths rolling through her chest. Damn, I want my mouth on her.
So much more, I answer, pushing the words into his mind. We’re not the same. I don’t have any of your old memories. I know who I am. It’s you who’s mixed up in me.
Because I’m the best of both of us. I know Ever better than you.
A nearly naked woman is wiggling under her own touch on the bed next to me. I can’t put my hands on her, but I’m still a lot closer than him.
Nipples too. Tell her, he says.
I know what I’m doing. And get your eyes off her before I find you and gouge them out.
You realize I’d still see what you see, right?
His amusement hits me along with the words.
Then he flashes the scene before him at me to make his point—Milo posing next to a naked statue on a street corner and Sypher trying to drag him away.
I hear Kaleida’s laugh, even feel the slap of her hand on Kelter’s shoulder.
Godsdammit. I ignore him and focus on Never as I wrap my hand around myself again, pushing against the inside of my pants.
“That’s nipple neglect,” I say, watching her rub the soft pillows of her breasts, squeezing and massaging with hesitant hands.
A smile cracks open her mouth. “What is?”
“Touching everywhere but your hard nipples, not giving them what they need. I want them between my teeth, and you won’t even touch them?”
“I have a question first.”
“What?” I try not to sound impatient.
Her eyes open painfully wide. “Are you going to kill me?”
My breath slips from my lungs. I halt the steady rhythm of my hand. “What?”
“To get my essence. After you’re bored of me.”
“No. Fuck, Never. What part of ‘never let you go’ makes you think I’d kill you?” How could she think that? I push her away to keep her from loving me in case my hold on her heart falters, but I thought she knew I’d never hurt her. What I said to Kelter was only to piss him off.
“It’s not like I can trust you,” she says quietly.
“You don’t trust anyone.”
She blinks, forcing her face to stay neutral, but she has no idea I feel every strong emotion that hits her. That I know when she’s scared or upset, turned on or embarrassed. I even know when she starts to feel affection toward me—and I have to shut it down.
She moves the focus off her. “Then how do we fix the mistake?”
I still don’t know.
I don’t bother trying to get her eyes to stay closed again. “Are you trying to distract me? Because you’re not leaving this bed until those nipples get some attention.”
She returns her hands to her sides with a defiant glance at me. “Any kind of answer will do.”
So stubborn. But what can I say? I already told her I don’t know how to fix myself without killing her.
Her fingers tap the mattress. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her anything, but this is how she gets closer to me, sneaking in questions.
It’s dangerous when I’m trying to keep her at a distance, at least her heart.
But I’m my own enemy because I want her to know me.
And I want to know everything about her. “I was going to.”
She wrinkles that perfect nose, silently questioning me.
“I was going to kill you, if I had to. To fix myself.” This is me.
She stiffens, eyes round.
“But I decided to keep you instead.” This is also me.
That must be enough to satisfy her because her limbs loosen, and she reaches for her tits again.
The movement of my hand returns, my skin heating as she takes her nipples between her knuckles with an eager force.
I lean in close, breathing onto her twisting fingers.
She smells like fresh rain and the middle of a black night.
The tiny buds harden, and it’s easy to bring back the feel of my tongue sweeping over those ridges. Not touching her is torture.
My face is so close to hers. One move, one brush of skin, and I’d be in agony. Her forehead creases, her hips restless and searching. It takes every ounce of restraint to keep from tearing those panties off her ass and climbing on top of her.
“One hand down.” I blow gently on her fingers.
Her body tenses. “I can’t.”
“Me either,” I remind her.
Me either, Kelter quips.
Not without getting your neck broken. He’ll never touch her like that.
I already have, he says, accessing the thoughts I don’t mean to let through.
What? I thought—she said they were friends, but I didn’t ask about before.
Through you, Kelter says. I told you—we are each other. You’re with her, I am too. It’s the same.
That’s not how it works. They’re not your memories, your lives. And not your hands on her. Know why I’m so sure? Because her memories are of her and me. Your dick was nowhere to be found when I slammed into her so hard we blacked the fuck out after.
Never inspects my face, no doubt revealing hints of my side conversation with Kelter.
“I’m waiting,” I say.
She squeezes her tits in frustration and rolls away, trying to escape me—as always. I grab her waist and pull her back to my side. Pain jolts up my arm and encompasses my entire being, shards of glass severing my nerves in a million places at one.
“Fuck!” I rip my hand away.
Ouch, dammit, Kelter says. Don’t you learn?
Shut up.
“You foolish man.” Never laughs then covers her mouth, hiding it. But it wouldn’t matter if she managed to keep a straight face. I feel it. Her happiness rushes through me, evaporating my pain.
“Do you see this? Do you see what you do to me?” I stroke myself again over my pants. “I would flip a godsdamn mountain upside down to touch you for one second without feeling like I’m being turned inside out.”
“How fucking poetic. Yet we can’t fall in love?” Her vicious smile turns her lips up in a way that makes me want to bite them.
“You can’t fall in love with me,” I snap, immediately realizing my mistake.
Kelter scoffs. That’s all you’re capable of—mistakes.
My biggest mistake is saving your whiny ass, I say, but we both know he’s right.
Never sits with my sloppy words for far too long, deciphering what was left unsaid.
Such a stupid, risky thing to say. Revealing I want more than her body would only make it harder to stop her from falling for me.
She can’t know. But I can’t seem to push her away like I need to. “Now put that hand in your panties.”
She looks right at me, stretches her arms up and tucks them under her head, positioning her gaze downward to watch how my hand tries to make up for the space between us, the forbidden touch. “I said I can’t.”
My stomach dips, the rest of me rigid and violent inside with the need to fill, the craving to have her surround me. “But you want to, don’t you?” I ask, though I already know how much she wants to, the courage she clings to but can’t put into action.
The glare she sends my way softens into a pleading grimace. “Maybe.”
Challenge accepted. But I can’t. I shouldn’t.
Then don’t do it.
Enough, Kelter! I yell in my head.
I’m not like your little friends who see your light side and will do anything you want.
I groan out loud. This is between Never and me!
Kelter’s voice lowers to nothing more than an echoing thought. It will never be only you again.
It hasn’t been only me for years, not with my ancestors in my head. I return my focus to Never, and I try to resist. I really do, but the line is so easy to cross with her almost naked body stretched out at my side. I need this as much as she does. “What if I help you?”
“It’s pretty clear that’s not an option.”
“And if it were?” My cock pulses at the possibility of her saying yes.
Her eyebrows dip inward with the doubtful look she gives me. “Then I would take the help.”
“Ready?” I ask. Her eyes widen, alarm and confusion coursing through her and into me in warm waves. “I won’t hurt you. The only crying you’ll do is when you beg for more.”