Friday, December 31st
Cat
“Happy freaking birthday, Vada girl!” I sing-song the moment Vada opens her front door. It’s New Year’s Eve and Vada and Zack’s eighteenth birthday to boot—all perfect reasons for Shane to throw a giant party at his mom’s beach house—the first party, in fact, that Shane has thrown since Ronan left.
Shane has been having a tough time. He misses Ronan probably as much as I do, and although he tries to put on a happy front, I can tell he’s struggling.
This will be the first time we’ve all been together since before Christmas break. I look forward to hanging out with everyone. I missed my friends while I was in North Carolina.
“Thank you, Kitty Cat.” Vada grins and pulls me into the house, shutting the door behind me. It’s still freezing outside, but the light blanket of snow that dusted the streets and sidewalks just days ago has turned into gray slush with the rain that has been falling at a steady pace all throughout the day.
“You and Zack seriously have the best birthday,” I say as Vada slips on her boots and takes her coat from the closet. “You guys are always guaranteed a party.”
Vada grins at me. “It really is a cool birthday,” she agrees giddily just as Zack walks out of his room and toward us. Vada gives her brother a once-over, then busts up laughing. “What the hell are you wearing?”
Zack stops and looks down at himself. “What do you mean?” He’s wearing a nice pair of jeans and a button-down shirt so colorful it almost screams at you.
“Your shirt!” Vada laughs so hard she doubles over. “What in the world is that? The eighties called, they want their crap back.”
“Ha-ha,” Zack says, and flips off his sister. “You’re fucking hilarious.” He puts on his shoes and pulls on his jacket. “Are you guys ready to go or are you too busy making fun of me?”
“We can go,” Vada wheezes, wiping a tear from her cheek. “But does Summer know what you’re wearing?”
“You know what, take your own damn car,” Zack huffs and walks out the front door.
Vada grabs my hand and pulls me out of the house. “I’m sorry,” she says, trying to rein it in. “I promise I’ll be good. You know I love you.”
“Whatever.” Zack gets into the driver’s side. Vada and I hop into the backseat.
“Happy birthday, Zack,” I say when Vada finally calms down, and I wrap my arms around him from behind the driver’s seat.
“Thanks, Cat,” he says with a smile in his voice and pats my arm with his right hand while steering with his left.
We stop to pick up Summer, who slides into the passenger seat, leans over the center console, and kisses Zack so deeply that Vada makes a comment about them getting a room.
Summer giggles at Vada after sitting back in her seat. “You’re one to talk. As if you and Steve don’t constantly have public make out sessions.”
“Point taken,” Vada says with a grin.
“How was your trip to Colorado?” I ask Summer.
She proceeds to tell us all about her week-long snowboarding adventure with her two older brothers in Aspen from which she returned on Wednesday—the same day I returned from North Carolina.
We pull up to Shane’s mother’s beach house forty minutes later, and I smile. If there’s one person who knows how to throw a proper New Year’s Eve party slash eighteenth birthday party, it’s Shane. I can hear the music before I even spot the string lights hanging along the wraparound porch, and the street is already lined with so many cars that I’m afraid we’ll have to walk a mile on foot to get to the house. But Zack pulls up to the driveway and I’m relieved to find that Shane—ever thinking ahead—has reserved the driveway for his closest of friends.
I take note of Shane’s white Jeep Wrangler, Steve’s black Challenger, and Drew’s blue Camaro all parked in the large driveway. My heart gives a little jolt at the absence of Ronan’s satin-black Mustang, which would usually be pulled in right next to Shane’s Jeep. I miss him so unbearably much.
We make our way up the front stairs and through the crowded house to find Shane sitting, with Tori by his side, on the deck behind the house, a fire already crackling in the fire pit that nicely centers the comfortable rattan sectional outdoor sofa where I spent so many evenings wrapped in Ronan’s arms last summer.
Vada immediately makes her way to Steve, who drapes his arm over her shoulder the moment she sits next to him, while I lean into him for a one-armed hug. I’ve been spending a lot of time talking and hanging out with Steve since Ronan left, and I enjoy seeing him, especially since he looks so much like his little brother, even with the rather obvious differences, like the color of their eyes and hair.
“Did Cat already tell you guys who she got to talk to last Sunday?” Steve says with a grin when I sit down next to Tori after giving her and Shane a quick hug.
“No! Who?” Vada asks, turning her attention from Steve to me.
“The guy who makes her heart go thump, thump,” he chuckles.
Shane is all ears. “Hold up! You talked to Ran?”
I nod, my face warm. “He called me last weekend. I guess he’s allowed to talk on the phone on Sundays, but only for an hour.”
“Fuck, yes! That’s the best damn news. How is he?” Shane asks with so much concern in his voice. I know how much what happened to Ronan has affected him. I see it in his eyes and face whenever Ronan comes up in conversation, know it from what Tori tells Vada, Summer, and me whenever it’s just the four of us hanging out. We’re all so worried about Ronan, but Steve, Shane, and I seem to struggle the most.
“He seemed better than the last time I saw him,” I say. I note the relief in Shane’s face. “It’s hard to really gauge just by talking to him, but he definitely laughed a few times, which I feel like he hadn’t done in a while. He didn’t sound quite so exhausted.”
Shane exhales deeply, the tension in his shoulder waning. “God, that’s so good to hear. Do you have his number?”
“Yeah, I have the number he called me from, but you can’t talk to him,” I say protectively.
“Why the hell not?”
“Because he only gets an hour and I’m not sharing.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
“Are you for real?” Shane asks, analyzing my face with a deep crease on his handsome brow.
“Absolutely,” I say, but smile.
“Don’t be offended, man,” Steve says. “I’m pretty sure Ran would much rather talk to Cat than any of us. I didn’t even get to talk to him last weekend. My dad called him to let him know about his permission to talk on the phone, and before my dad could get another word in, Ran was apparently like, ‘Gotta go, Dad.’”
I smile at the confirmation that Ronan really did hang up on his dad to call me.
“That’s messed up.” Shane sighs, and I can tell he’s disappointed.
“How about this Sunday, when I talk to him, I’ll tell Ran to save some time so he can call you, too. Maybe…”—I make a contemplative face, then grin—“two minutes and thirty seconds?”
“That would be great,” Shane says sincerely. “I know you want to have as much time to talk to him as possible, but Ran’s my best friend. I miss him, too, you know?”
“Aww, I know you do,” I say, and scootch over to Shane to hug him. “He sounded pretty good on Sunday.”
Shane looks skeptical. “As much as I want to believe Ran’s on the up and up, I’ve come to realize how damn good he was at hiding the darkest parts of his life, so until I can confirm with my own eyes that he’s actually better, I’m going to choose to be cautiously optimistic.”
I understand Shane didn’t get the benefit of hearing Ronan’s voice—my only indicator for how he might be doing—so I spend some time giving my friends an update on Ronan without disclosing the more intimate things he and I talked about.
***
Thirty minutes later, everyone is much more chipper and energized after the encouraging news about Ronan’s recovery.
Still, as much fun as the evening is, and as much as I try not to be such a downer, being around my friends—who, two hours into the party are tipsy and openly making out with their respective boyfriends or girlfriends—does make me feel lonely. There’s no denying how much I miss Ronan, though I do my damnedest to take the sting out of his absence.
Unfortunately, that means that I end up drinking way too much. By the time we’re ready to count down to the new year, I feel the effects of the several shots of tequila I’ve pounded back in rapid succession to numb my aching heart.
“Are you okay, Cat?” Drew asks, a concerned look on his face when I try to get up to hug my friends and wish them a happy new year, only to stumble into him.
“Yeah, sorry, Drew. I think I had too much,” I giggle stupidly, my words coming out slow.
“Maybe slow it down a tad.” He steadies me with his right hand on my waist. “You probably shouldn’t be drinking this much.”
Is he patronizing me?
“Good idea,” I say. “Happy New Year, though!”
“Yeah, you, too!” He hugs me, and I can’t tell if it’s the alcohol slowing everything down or if Drew’s embrace really does last just a smidge longer than appropriate. Before I can properly analyze the situation, he steps back and smiles at me. “I’ll get you some water.” He disappears into the house.
I move toward Steve, Vada, Tori, and Shane, walking slowly, paying attention to my footing so I don’t embarrass myself further.
“Happy New Year, Kitty Cat!” Vada shouts despite me standing right in front of her, and she pulls me into her arms too quickly, making my head spin.
“Happy New Year!” I groan, eliciting a laugh from Vada.
“Oh, Kitty, you’re so cute when you’re drunk!”
“You’re not the soberest of individuals, either,” Steve says, then rescues me from Vada’s bear hug and wraps his own arms around me, holding me against his warm chest clothed in a black hoodie.
I sigh and close my eyes, letting my heavy head rest against his shoulder. I pretend for a moment that I’m in Ronan’s arms. The brothers’ statures are so similar, their lines equally sharp, frames lean and muscular. I can almost convince myself it’s Ronan holding me, his heart pounding steadily against his rib cage, if it weren’t for the fact that Steve’s body doesn’t mold to mine as fluidly as Ronan’s does, and that Steve doesn’t smell like his brother. I mean, Steve smells great—of oakwood, and rain, and mint—but it’s nothing like Ronan’s scent, which has an intoxicating quality. I could get high off it.
“Are you alright tonight?” Steve asks in a low voice. I nod against him, and he tightens his hold. “I know it’s hard. I miss him, too.”
I appreciate Steve so much. He, Shane, and our friends have been such rocks for me these past few months, even though they’re also in pain, missing Ronan.
Drew taps me on the shoulder a moment later and Steve releases me from his hug, his brown eyes a light cinnamon color, warm and full of empathy.
“Here’s your water,” Drew says. I gratefully take the glass from him and gulp it down. “Need more?” he asks.
“No, I think I’m alright. Thank you so much, Drew.”
Drew takes the glass from me with a nod. “Just let me know if you need anything. I’ll keep an eye on you,” Drew says without giving me even the slightest indication that he’s joking. He wanders back into the house.
I feel Shane move up next to me, his arm coming up and around my shoulder before he pulls me in for a hug. “Happy New Year, Cat,” he says, and squeezes me tightly.
“Happy New Year, Shay,” I squeak.
He chuckles. “To new beginnings, right? This is going to be a good year; I can feel it.”
“I hope you’re right,” I wheeze with the tightness of Shane’s hug before he releases me from his stranglehold.
“We’re just going to manifest this shit into the universe.” He raises his head toward the cloud-covered night sky. “It’s gonna be a good year, god damn it!” he shouts into the nothingness, startling me.
“Jeez, okay, I guess this is one way to do it,” I huff, shaking my head while Shane laughs at me.
“Let’s play a game!” Vada eventually yells from her spot by the fire pit.
“Yes, let’s!” Summer says, and places herself cross-legged next to Zack on the rattan sectional sofa. “What do you have in mind?”
Vada grins. “Truth or dare.”
“Oh shit,” Shane chuckles. “This should be fun with most everyone absolutely fucking wasted already. By the way,” he says, “none of you are driving home tonight. I expect you all to stay until morning and everyone’s sober.”
He’s met with no objections.
“I love how concerned you are for everyone’s safety, baby.” Tori hitches her leg over Shane and sits on his lap before kissing him deeply.
“Jesus guys, are we going to play a game or do you two need to go and take care of business?” Vada huffs when Tori grinds her hips against Shane.
I’ve always noticed how physically affectionate Shane and Tori are. They’re almost as “touchy smoochy”—as Steve called it—as Ronan and me, though not quite as constant in their need for physical contact. Ronan and I always need to touch each other in some way. And, god, how I miss his touch, his warmth, his nearness, the sound of his voice in my ear, his scent…
“Shit, Ran’s right, you really do know how to ruin a moment,” Shane says to Vada with a chuckle.
“Oh, yeah, it’s definitely a skill of mine,” Vada says with a grin. “I think Ran was close to losing his shit on me there for a while. Alright, back to the game,” she says with a glance at me. “Who wants to start?”
“Wait, what are the rules?” Tori asks, still on Shane’s lap, though she’s no longer actively making out with him.
“Oh, well, you either have to tell the truth about something or you do the thing you’re asked to do. If you refuse to tell the truth or do the thing, you have to take a shot of Fireball,” she says, and is met with a collective grunt.
“Fireball? Seriously? That shit’s nasty,” Steve says with a frown.
“Well, yeah, nobody would tell the truth or do the dare if it was something delicious,” she says. “Have to provide an incentive for people to actually play the game, right?”
“I guess,” Steve relents with a sigh.
“Alright, so who wants to go first?” Vada asks again.
“I’ll go,” Summer says, her speech slow and drawn out, her eyes half shut. She’s so tiny that it doesn’t require much for Summer to get completely drunk. “Shane, truth or dare?”
“Truth,” Shane says without hesitation.
“Aww, I had such a good dare in mind,” Summer whines, making us laugh.
Shane chuckles. “Sorry.”
“Okay, fine. Uh…” Summer thinks for a second. “How many girls have you slept with?”
“Two before I met Tori,” Shane says like it’s no big deal.
“Do we know them?” Summer asks.
“You know one of them,” Shane says with a mischievous grin.
“Who?” Summer asks, but Shane just shakes his head.
I look around the group, trying to eliminate suspects. It obviously wasn’t Summer, or she wouldn’t be asking. And I don’t think Vada slept with Shane because I surely would know if she had. It obviously wasn’t me, leaving only Cheyenne, unless Shane is talking about someone I don’t know.
Summer seems to come to the same conclusion. “Wait… did you sleep with Cheyenne?” She looks from Shane to her best friend.
Shane’s lips turn upward into a telling smile.
“Whoa,” Vada shouts. “Wait, so you and Ran both fucked her? Holy shit, is this like a bro thing? You both screw the same girl? Not at the same time, right? I mean, I know you and Ran are close, but…”
“Jesus, babe. You’re so damn crass sometimes,” Steve says, shaking his head.
Cheyenne, too, is displeased. “Shut up, Vada,” she says with a snarl.
Shane chuckles. “If it calms you down a little, Cheyenne and I happened way before she hooked up with Ran,” he says. “Ran wasn’t even back from Montana then.”
Tori seems eager to ease the tension and move the game along. “Okay, babe, why don’t you go next?”
“Alright, Steve: truth or dare, man?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. Dare, I guess,” Steve says, still frowning at Vada’s strong word choice. Steve has been much more on edge since Ronan left for Montana and I’ve noticed he and Vada bicker a lot more.
Shane’s face takes on a naughty expression. “Alright, I dare you to go into the house, into the kitchen, and take Troy’s beer out of his hand and walk away without saying anything.”
We all turn our attention to the large floor-to-ceiling glass windows that give a perfect view of the interior of the beach house, including the beautiful kitchen where a number of people are mingling. I have no idea which one of them is Troy.
Steve’s face takes on a wicked expression. “Fuck, dude, if Troy comes after me to beat my ass, you better provide me with backup,” he says, already getting up from the sofa.
“For sure,” Shane says with a nod.
We watch as Steve makes his way into the house.
“Which one’s Troy?” I ask.
“That burly guy with the white hoodie,” Tori says.
I immediately spot the person they’re talking about. He must be one of the football players—probably a linebacker. He isn’t particularly tall, but he’s wide and weighs probably sixty pounds more than Steve, who’s by no means tiny.
“He’s known for his temper,” Tori says with a frown.
Shane chuckles. “He won’t do shit. He knows to behave himself when he’s at my place. But it’ll be fun to see his face turn red with anger.”
Steve enters the kitchen a few seconds later, and we all hold our breaths as he marches toward Troy, who’s in the process of taking a sip from his beer. Steve takes the bottle out of Troy’s hand, only to turn and walk away. Shane wasn’t exaggerating when he said Troy’s face would turn red in anger; at first Troy looks utterly stunned, but in under a second his face contorts and he goes after Steve.
Steve picks up his pace, rushing through the living room and back out to the deck with Troy on his heels.
“Hey, what the fuck?” Troy shouts, his hands balled into fists by his side.
Shane gets up, turning to Troy with a smile on his lips. “Hey man, what’s up?”
Troy slows down as Steve arrives back at the sofa and hands Troy’s beer to Shane.
“Sorry man, I dared Steve to take your beer from you without giving you any explanation. We’re just having fun,” Shane tells Troy with a laugh, handing Troy his beer.
Troy’s facial expression instantly neutralizes, a toothy smile spreading across his lips.
“You’re so easily triggered, T.” Tori giggles at Troy, who looks sheepish.
“Sorry, dude. They made me do it,” Steve says.
“It’s all good. Glad you said something though, because I was ready to go to town on Steve.” Troy chuckles, then looks around the group. “Hey, how’s Ran doing?”
Shane turns serious. “He’s hanging in there.”
Troy’s gaze flits to me before returning to Shane. I’m sure Troy has heard the rumors and is probably wondering why Shane is willing to hang out with the chick who’s allegedly responsible for Shane’s best friend’s departure.
“Right.” Troy nods. “So, what happened to him?” he asks hesitantly, but he’s obviously intrigued.
“He got hurt last summer and was sent to stay with family for a while to recover,” Shane says, providing only the bare minimum.
“How did he get hurt?” Troy asks, emboldened.
Shane’s tone is warm but steadfast. “You know, man, it’s kind of a private thing for Ran, and we’re just trying to respect that.”
“Oh, sure, yeah, no worries.” Troy stands awkwardly for a second longer. “Thanks for throwing this party, man. I’m gonna head back inside to my girl.” He raises his hand as a see-you-later.
“Yeah. Enjoy yourself!” Shane says, and Troy nods before meandering back into the house to rejoin his group of friends in Shane’s kitchen.
Zack sighs deeply. “Damn, maybe truth or dare wasn’t such a great idea. Shit keeps getting awkward.”
“Oh, stop it. It’s fun!” Vada exclaims with a shake of her head. “Babe, it’s your turn,” she says to Steve.
“Uh, okay, Cheyenne. Truth or dare?”
Cheyenne looks sexy as always in a short, pleated skirt, fishnet tights, and black, knee-high combat boots. Her hair has gotten longer and it’s a fiery red with blonde highlights instead of black. Her black leather moto jacket is perfectly fitted, and to say she comes across as a complete badass would be an understatement.
“I’ll take truth.”
Steve’s face takes on a devilish expression, his grin so wide it seemingly takes over half his face. “Who was the better fuck? Shane or Ran.”
“Awkward!” Zack shouts, which is followed by laughter.
“Is it too late to switch to dare?” Cheyenne asks with a laugh.
“Yes,” Summer giggles. “You have to answer, Chey!”
Cheyenne looks at me for a moment, then back to Steve. “Hard to say, honestly. They were both so different. Both were fucking amazing,” Cheyenne muses. “But Ran got me off faster and harder… twice, so I’m gonna have to say Ran,” she says with a grin, and her eyes flit to me again.
I know she’s trying to get a rise out of me, but it honestly doesn’t matter to me that she slept with Ronan. I’m very aware of the fact that he was a bit of a playboy before he and I met. I knew he and Cheyenne hooked up, and I certainly know how good Ronan is in bed.
What comes out of my mouth next surprises even me. “I know exactly what you’re talking about, Cheyenne. Ran does the same to me.”
My statement is met by howling and wolf-whistling from the guys while Cheyenne’s grin is wiped off her face.
Vada laughs at my brazenness. “Dang, Kitty Cat.”
I’m not usually forward like this, but the alcohol certainly loosens me up. It’s always had that effect on me, and I both love and loathe it. I like that I don’t feel so buttoned up when I drink. I don’t overthink every single word before it leaves my lips. On the other hand, I’ve gotten myself into trouble more than once when drinking, my inhibitions lowered too much, too quickly.
“Okay, my turn, I guess,” Cheyenne grumbles when the whistling and laughter has finally died down. “Vada, truth or dare?”
“Truth!”
Cheyenne laughs mischievously. “Okay.”
Vada looks like she’s regretting her decision. “Maybe that was the wrong choice.”
“What’s the most random place you and Steve have had sex in?”
“Jesus, so fucking awkward!” Zack hates hearing about his sister and best friend having sex.
“Umm, are we talking full-on sex or does oral sex count?” Vada asks with a grin, and Steve groans, letting his head fall into his hands.
Cheyenne nods with a shrug. “Oral sex counts.”
“Then probably at the movies.”
Summer giggles from her spot on the sofa. “You guys had oral sex at the movie theater?”
“Yep,” Vada says proudly. “Right smack-dab in the middle of a slasher scene.”
Steve groans. “Fuck, babe.”
“What? She asked. I had to answer. Those are the rules.”
Shane is intrigued. “So, who gave whom oral sex?”
Vada doesn’t hesitate even a second. “I took care of Steve.” There’s not a hint of embarrassment on her face.
“Oh, nice!” Shane chuckles.
“It was.” Vada nods with a sly smile. “Right, babe?”
I smile at the pink hue making Steve’s cheeks look flushed. “Yeah, okay, I think it’s your turn to pick someone,” he says.
“Oh, right. Kitty Cat,” Vada says.
I shake my head. “I knew you’d pick me,” I grunt, making everyone laugh.
“Truth or dare?” Vada asks.
“Dare,” I say on a whim.
“Alright,” Vada says proudly, then takes a moment to think. “Okay,” she says with a wicked grin, and I’m immediately concerned. “I dare you to call Ran right now.”
Everyone around us falls silent.
“Vada, I can’t do that,” I say, slightly panicky. I’ve had so much to drink tonight that I don’t think I can handle another drop of alcohol lest I want to spend the rest of the evening on my knees in front of the toilet or in the hospital getting my stomach pumped. But I also know from my conversation with Ronan that we’re only allowed to talk on Sundays.
“Yes, you can,” she says. “Just a quick call to wish him a Happy New Year; tell him you love him.”
“What if his grandparents answer? What if I wake everyone?” I ask, nervous energy coursing through me.
“Then you use your sweetest, most convincing voice and get them to let Ran talk to you for a minute,” Steve chimes in, his voice soft. “Plus, it’s already Saturday here, which means it’s almost Sunday, so it’s really your day to talk to him,” he says with a mischievous grin that reminds me so much of Ronan.
“You’re on her side?” I ask him incredulously.
He nods. “Yeah, kind of. I’ve told you how I feel about Ran not getting to talk to anyone whenever he wants to. Look, I know my grandparents; my grandma loves you. She’ll let you talk to him for a second. Just tell her that it’s New Year’s and you miss him, and you just wanted to hear his voice for a few minutes.” Steve shrugs.
“God, you people are the worst influence,” I whine, but nonetheless pull my phone out of my back pocket. I take deep, steadying breaths as I scroll to find the number Ronan called me from just five days ago—the first time we got to talk in almost two months.
“On speaker!” Vada demands.
I crease my brow but comply. Everyone’s voices are hushed, though the noise from the house still wafts to the deck. I’m not at all convinced I’ll manage to talk to Ronan tonight.
The phone rings for a while, and I’m about to hang up when it’s answered.
“Soult Ranch,” a sleepy woman’s voice says on the other end, and I instantly know I’m speaking with Ronan and Steve’s grandmother.
“Hi Mrs. Soult,” I answer, a nervous tremble in my voice. “This is Cat. I’m so sorry for waking you.” I feel bad because I know their nights are short and, judging by the sound of her voice, she was obviously asleep.
“Oh my goodness, Cat!” Saoirse Soult exclaims, her voice happy. I smile, looking at Steve, who watches me intently, the corners of his lips curving up. “It’s so lovely to hear your voice. My goodness, are you doing okay, sweetheart?”
“Yes, I’m doing fine. How are you?” I ask politely.
I’ve always liked Ronan’s grandmother. I remember him telling me that she’d check up on him once a month while he lived in New York, and when I met her in the hospital it was clear to me how much she loves her family and grandsons.
“Very well, thank you!”
I stay silent for a second, feeling awkward.
“Mrs. Soult, I’m sorry to call so late. I know the rules about talking to Ran, but do you think there’s any chance I could talk to him for just a couple of minutes?” I ask her, my eyes closed as I anticipate her response. “I miss him so much,” I say, and my voice cracks. I’m not sure why I suddenly feel so emotional—if it’s the alcohol, my nerves, or the fact that it feels like Ronan is so damn close, like if I reached my hand out I could touch him.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Saoirse says, her voice soft, caring. “Ronan’s asleep right now.”
I sigh heavily.
“But, okay, let me see if I can’t wake him really quick.” I detect mischief in her voice. “And maybe we’ll keep this little call of yours to ourselves—make an exception since it’s New Year’s Eve.”
I hear her quietly walk across what sounds like hardwood floor.
“He was so happy when he received your letter,” Saoirse whispers, making me smile.
“Really?”
“Oh, yes. Sweetheart, Ronan misses you more than I could possibly put into words.”
“I miss him so much,” I say again, my eyes stinging. I don’t even care that I’m surrounded by people as I anxiously wait to hear Ronan’s voice. “Do you feel he’s getting better?”
I understand, of course, that Frank gets updates and Steve always keeps me apprised of the latest with Ronan. But I feel as though hearing Saoirse’s thoughts could give me an even better idea of how Ronan is healing since she’s with him day in and day out.
“He’s certainly better than he was when he got here,” she says. “I couldn’t get him out of bed in the beginning,” she sighs. “He just slept all the time. There was no will or strength left in him. But he’s moving more now, and sometimes I even see little glimmers of his spirit. He’s still not the boy we knew, but I can tell he’s trying to come back to us. He’s a fighter, that one,” she says, then lowers her voice to a hush. “Okay, give me a second.”
I listen to her open a door, then walk across more hardwood.
“Baby boy,” she says quietly. “Can you wake up for me? I have someone on the phone who’s desperate to hear your voice for a minute.”
She must have handed Ronan the phone, because a fraction of a second later his raspy voice comes through. “Hello?”
“Hey sweet boy,” I say, my heart doing somersaults in my chest.
“Cat!” Ronan says, immediately more awake. “Hey baby!”
“Five minutes,” I hear Saoirse say in the background, her voice receding. She’s clearly giving Ronan privacy.
“Are you okay?” he asks me.
“Yeah, I’m just here with everyone celebrating New Year’s and we’re playing truth or dare and, of course, Vada dared me to call you,” I tell him with a giggle.
“Yeah, of course she would,” Ronan chuckles. “That sounds exactly like Vada.”
“You know, just making sure you each get a fix once in a while,” Vada says loudly.
“Oh, shit, I’m on speaker?” Ronan asks.
“You sure are,” Shane answers in my stead, grinning from ear to ear.
“Fuck, hey guys!” Ronan says, and I smile at how happy he seems to be. “God, I miss you guys so damn much. Is everyone doing alright?”
“Yeah, we’re fine, but we’d be better if we knew you’re okay,” Shane says.
“I’m alright,” Ronan says. “What are you all up to?”
“Oh, you know, just watching about two hundred people get absolutely shit-faced,” Steve says.
“Hey dude,” Ronan chuckles at hearing his brother’s voice. “Shit, I swear, it’s so damn good to hear you all. I wish I was home,” he sighs. “Hey, Vada, is Zack with you guys?”
“Sure is,” she shouts.
“Happy birthday, guys,” Ronan says, a smile in his voice. He sounds even better tonight than when we spoke last. Maybe this means he’s improving? Like, truly getting better?
“Thanks, man,” Zack says loudly so Ronan can hear him.
Tori leans toward the phone in my outstretched hand. “So, what are you up to tonight?”
Ronan laughs. “Nothing at all. I was asleep.”
“There’s really nothing going on at the ranch,” Steve says with a nod.
“So, how are you feeling?” Shane asks, his eyes closed as he focuses on his conversation with Ronan. “How’s your knee?”
“Better,” Ronan says. “No more crutches. It’s still being a little bitch when I do too much, but we’re getting there.”
“That’s good to hear. How about everything else?”
“Okay, I guess. It’s really mostly my knee now,” Ronan says as I listen to his voice intently, soaking it in. Have I mentioned how much I miss him yet?
“That’s good.” I can tell Shane wants to ask Ronan how he feels emotionally but refrains because he knows now is not the time. Not that Ronan would be forthcoming even if Shane did ask. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Ronan, it’s that he does whatever he can to hide the pain. “We miss you, man,” Shane says instead.
“I miss you, too, guys. Man, I want to come home,” Ronan groans. “Baby?” he calls, a tone in his voice like he temporarily lost sight of me in a crowded place, like he needs me to anchor him.
“I’m here.” I wish I could reach through the phone and touch him.
“I love you.”
It suddenly hits me just how far away he is. “I love you, too. I love you so much, Ran.”
“Hey, Stevie, sorry I didn’t get to talk to you on Sunday,” Ronan chuckles.
Steve laughs in turn. “No worries. I figured I probably wasn’t number one on your list of people to talk to once you got the okay.”
“Yeah. I mean, you’re fun and stuff, but there’s definitely someone I’m more desperate to talk to. Hey, you guys are keeping an eye on Cat for me, right? Don’t let some asshole try and take her home tonight because I know they’re probably already lining up to snatch her,” Ronan says. I blush for some dumb reason.
Shane’s eyes lock on me, an iron determination in his features. “Not on our watch, dude.”
“I don’t think you have to worry about Kitty Cat and some other guy,” Vada shouts into the phone from her seat. “She just told us that you get her off really fast and really hard.”
If it was possible for a person to spontaneously combust, I would.
“She did?” Ronan asks.
“She sure did,” Tori says with a giggle.
At what temperature exactly does human skin begin to melt? Because I feel like I may be close to reaching that point. “Oh, god, guys,” I groan.
“Well, I’m glad to hear I can do that for you, baby,” Ronan chuckles in a low voice, causing the heat to spread to my stomach. “And let me just say it’s definitely mutual,” he says.
Any second now I’ll be able to see the smoke rising off my skin. I just know it.
“Awkward!” Zack yells again, and we dissolve into laughter.
“Baby boy, I’m sorry to be such a negative nelly, but you need sleep,” Ronan’s grandmother says in the background.
Ronan sighs. “That wasn’t five minutes, Morai,” he grumbles.
“Maybe not, but it’s more than you’re supposed to be on the phone,” she says, her voice light.
“Sorry, guys, I gotta go,” he says. “But baby, I’ll call you Sunday, okay?”
“I can’t wait,” I say, not at all ready to hang up. The prospect of having to wait until Sunday to hear his voice is not enticing in the least.
“Hey, Ran,” Shane calls out.
“Yeah?”
“Hang on for me, okay? For us. Just, hang on.”
The sound of a deep breath travels through the phone. “I’m trying.”
Okay, he’s obviously not healed yet.
“We love you, man,” Shane says.
Ronan chuckles. “Stop getting all emotional on me. Seriously, get your shit together.”
Shane laughs. “Alright.”
“I love you, guys,” Ronan says. “And I especially love you, Cat. Have a great night. Drink some tequila for me.”
“I love you, sweet boy,” I call out one more time before we have to end the conversation.
We’re all silent for a moment, letting the last few minutes sink in. Hearing Ronan’s voice had an immediate calming effect on me, and it’s obvious I’m not the only one who’s relieved. Everyone looks exponentially happier than they did before.
Shane exhales noisily. “Man, it was fucking good to hear his voice.”
Zack nods. “Agreed. I mean, he sounded tired, obviously, but not like he did the last time we saw him. He sounded more like the old Ran.”
“Man, I miss him,” Vada says.
“Thanks for making me call him,” I tell Vada, my cheeks still warm.
“I knew you’d love it,” she giggles. “Got yourself a little Ran fix. And you get to talk to him again tomorrow!”
“Hey, you’re still going to make him reserve a few minutes to call me, right?” Shane asks.
“Of course!” I say.
“Awesome.”
“Okay, Kitty Cat, it’s your turn,” Vada says.
I shake my head. “I’m actually going to go inside and grab a bite to eat. I need something to counteract those drinks.”
I wander into the kitchen in search of something that I know will soak up some of the booze without making me sick.
“Here, eat this,” I hear Drew say from behind me. I guess he really is keeping an eye on me tonight.
I turn to face him, noting the jar of French onion dip and the bowl of potato chips he’s pushing toward me on the counter.
“This should absorb some of the alcohol—make you feel better,” he says, smiling.
“Thanks, Drew. I really appreciate it.” I grab the items to take them back out to the deck. I begin to move around and past him, but he reaches for me, stopping me with a large hand on my shoulder.
“Just let me know if there’s anything else you might need,” he says, then leaves me standing in the kitchen.
I shrug and begin to finally make my way outside, only to be met by Vada. Wait, is that my phone on her ear?
“Oh, yeah, hold on. She’s right here,” Vada says, sounding decidedly intoxicated.
She mouths a wordless apology to me when she notices my consternation, then holds my phone out to me, attempting to cover the speaker, except she’s covering the camera. Okay, that girl is drunk off her ass.
“Sorry, you left your phone outside and it started ringing, so I took it upon myself to act as your personal assistant,” she says, swaying ever so slightly.
I can’t help the smile that spreads across my lips. Vada looks utterly freaking adorable with her disheveled bob—probably the result of a thirty-second make out session she had with Steve right before my phone started buzzing—and her boozy brown eyes. “That’s perfectly okay.” I wave her off. “Who is it?” I ask at the same time as I see “Dad” displayed on the screen.
“Your papa,” Vada says using her best French accent while curtsying so low I can see all the way down her ample cleavage.
I giggle, then hold my phone to my ear. “Hi Dad,” I say, and shove a handful of chips into my mouth.
“Hi Kitty. Happy New Year.”
I chew, the crunch of the chips loud even in my own ears. “Happy New Year, Daddy. Are Sammy and Benny still up?”
He chuckles. “Let’s just say they put in a very valiant effort to make it all the way to the ball drop.”
“Who succumbed first? Benny?”
“Sam,” he says, laughing.
“I wouldn’t have thought.” I stuff another handful of chips into my mouth. Sheesh, there’s just something about junk food when you’ve had a little too much to drink.
“So who was that I was just speaking with?”
“That was Vada.” I lift my eyes toward her. She’s resting back against the white marble kitchen counter, and a quiet giggle escapes me when her eyes shut. Did she fall asleep standing up? I poke her arm with my index finger. Her eyes don’t exactly fly open, but she blinks at me nonetheless.
“What?” she slurs.
I laugh at her sleepy expression. I’m sure she’d be asleep in t-minus five seconds if she were to be put in a horizontal position right now. “Nothing, it just looked like you were falling asleep.”
She expels this weird sort of snorty huff, then closes her eyes again as if she’s only waiting for me to finish my conversation with my dad.
“Kitty, you guys aren’t drinking, right?” my dad says, his words sounding more like a statement than a question.
I don’t respond.
“Your friend didn’t sound completely sober. I hope you’re more responsible than that. You know what happened in the past when you were—”
“Yes, Dad, I know,” I say, unable to hide the annoyance in my voice. He brings up my misdeeds so much, I sometimes wonder if he enjoys rubbing salt in my wounds.
He huffs into the phone. “I don’t mean to be overbearing, Kitty. But I’m your dad. It’s my responsibility to make sure you’re safe. I don’t fault you for not always making the wisest decisions at your age, but your mom and I are counting on you to discern good situations from bad ones. We’re trusting you again after… after you kind of broke that trust a little bit.”
My heart stings at his words, his reminder of how much my family had to endure after the disaster that was my relationship with Adam. I did break my parents’ trust—I got myself into some truly sticky situations, overstepped my boundaries multiple times, and I didn’t come to seek my parents’ help until it was almost too late. It’s no surprise they no longer trust me to make the right choices.
“Sorry,” I whisper into the phone, ashamed of my earlier reaction.
He exhales noisily as if to clear the thick air that has begun to settle between us. “Alright, I didn’t call you to argue or to make you feel bad. I just… Kitty, I wish for you to be able to leave the heaviness of the past year behind. You’ve been through a lot. A lot,” he repeats with a sigh. “I just need you to promise me you’ll take care of yourself and be smart.”
“Okay, Dad. I will.”
“Alright, I won’t keep you. I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy New Year, Kitty. Have fun with your friends, but remember to make good choices. Don’t let anyone pressure you into anything you shouldn’t be doing at your age, Cat.”
“I will, Dad.”
“I love you, Kitty. I’ll talk to you soon.”
My dad and I end our call.
“That was sweet of your dad to call you on New Year’s,” Vada says, her eyes still closed.
I replace my phone in the back pocket of my jeans with a small grunt. “It was, except for the part where he reminded me of my screwups with my ex last year and then kept telling me I need to remember to make good choices and how I broke my parents’ trust.”
Vada’s eyes open and she studies me with a glossy gaze. “How did you break your parents’ trust? By being sixteen years old and falling for that manipulative shit of a douchebag? That’s hardly your fault.”
I shake my head. “By doing things like getting drunk and…” I trail off, reminding myself that my friends don’t know about the nudes. “And leading a boy on. By allowing him to hurt me and never saying anything to my parents.”
“That wasn’t your fault, Cat. That wasn’t you breaking your parents’ trust. It’s not like you started doing drugs or broke the law or anything.”
I’m actually not so sure I didn’t break the law. I was the one who took pictures of myself; I was the one who sent them to Adam. I’m underage. Technically, I think I did break the law. Ugh, I just want to forget all this ever happened.
“You wanna hear what I think?” Vada asks when I don’t respond.
I shrug at her.
“I think you’re smart and pretty incredible. Don’t let your dad make you feel like you’re just some dumb little girl. You’re a woman, Cat. I know you know how to take care of yourself. And it’s okay to live life and have fun. Nobody’s perfect. Not even you,” she says with a smirk.
I laugh. “Trust me, I’m very aware of that fact.”
“Okay, good. Don’t want your head getting too big.” Vada giggles in turn, but suddenly her face falls and her eyes go wide. “I think I’m gonna be sick,” she says, and before I can say another word she storms out of the kitchen to the bathroom.
I shake my head at her, then open the jar of French onion dip and resume munching on the chips. Drew was right, the junk food settles my stomach, especially after the call with my dad, which left a painful lump in my throat.
I’m still so very aware of my missteps. I was aware of them then, but things felt a little less heavy after I finally told my parents about Adam’s violence, even while I kept the inappropriate pictures a secret. I thought it was over; I thought it was all behind me. But then Adam began blackmailing me.
I shouldn’t have given in to him; I should have told my parents or the police. I should have told Ronan what Adam was trying to do. I would have been able to explain those pictures, would have had the excuse that I was drunk when the pictures were taken, that I wasn’t truly able to consent to them. But I didn’t. Instead, I let him manipulate me, and now it’s too late. Why am I like this?
“Hey, sorry, do you mind if I squeeze by you real quick?”
I look up from my rapidly diminishing pile of chips and into the face of a guy I haven’t met before, his dark-brown hair atop his head peeking out from underneath a slouchy beanie.
“Oh, yeah, go ahead,” I say with my mouth full.
I take a step to the right to offer him a path to the refrigerator, which he opens to retrieve a can of soda. He steps back around the kitchen counter, then opens the can with a noisy fizz and takes a long sip before he smiles at me.
“I’m Jared, by the way.” He reaches his hand out to me.
I wipe my greasy hand on my jeans, then give his a shake. “I’m Cat.”
“Are you here all by yourself?” he asks, looking around the empty kitchen.
“No, I’m here with my friends.” I nod toward the floor-to-ceiling window that provides a perfect view of the outdoor sectional.
“Oh, you’re part of Shane’s group?” Jared asks, interested.
“Yep.”
“Huh.” Jared searches my face. I notice the sapphire blue of his eyes, striking against his dark hair. “Have you been coming here a lot? I’ve never noticed you at any of Shane’s other parties.”
“Yeah, I mean, over the past eight months or so.”
“Interesting.”
“How so?”
“Well, I feel like I would have noticed a beautiful girl like you,” he says, flashing me a bright smile.
“Oh.” I laugh. “Thank you. Are you usually at Shane’s parties? I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ve met you before. Shane’s parties tend to get crazy.”
Jared chuckles. “Yeah, they’re pretty epic. I haven’t been to any of his parties in a while. Shane, Steve, and I were in the same graduating class. I’m at the University of Florida now. I’m just home for the holidays, but when I heard Shane was throwing his infamous New Year’s party, I couldn’t pass that up,” Jared says. “So, are you a senior then?”
I nod.
“Nice,” he says. “You’re almost done then. Hey, do you maybe want to sit down somewhere?” He looks around to the living room in an apparent attempt to find a private spot for us to continue our conversation, but the house is crowded.
I follow his gaze, about to let him down gently, when Shane walks into the kitchen.
“Hey Jared, what’s up?” Shane says loudly, and the two of them shake hands.
“Not much, man, just chatting with Cat over here,” Jared says with a smile.
“Oh yeah?” There’s a smirk on Shane’s face.
“Yeah. I was just telling her that it’s interesting I hadn’t ever seen her here before because I feel like I’d have noticed a girl this beautiful,” Jared repeats his line, clearly hoping for Shane to nudge things along.
Shane only grins at Jared. “Yeah, you probably haven’t noticed Cat before because she’s usually here with Ran and they tend to be all over each other, so…”
Jared’s face falls as he looks from Shane to me. He obviously knows who Ronan is. “Oh, yeah, that would make sense,” he says. “She’s with Ran?”
Shane nods. “Yep.”
“Cool. Well, Ran’s a lucky guy,” Jared says and shakes Shane’s hand again. “Didn’t mean to step on toes here. It was really nice to meet you, Cat.” Jared gives me a quick wave before he walks out of the kitchen.
I pop my hip out, resting my hands on either side of my waist. “Well, Shane, you can tell Ran you did your job protecting me from all the evil guys who are trying to have a conversation with me.”
Shane smirks. “I think I will do that.”
I shake my head. “Are you serious? Do you really have so little confidence in me that you don’t think I could have handled this myself?”
Shane’s brow creases. “I’m just making sure you’re okay.”
“I’m perfectly fine. Jared and I were just talking.”
“He said you were beautiful.”
“So? Is that a crime?”
Shane squares his shoulders. “No, but I don’t need some guy making moves on you while Ran’s away. You heard Ran on the phone. I’m just doing my duty.”
“I can’t tell if you’re being protective of me or Ran here,” I say, analyzing Shane’s face.
“Both of you.”
I scoff. “Well, I can take care of myself. And as for Ran, I wasn’t going to hop into bed with Jared. In fact, I was about to inform him that I’m seeing someone. Shane, you know I’d never do anything to hurt Ran, right?”
“Of course!”
“Then you can back off. I’m allowed to talk to guys. And I know for a fact that girls still try to make a move on Ran. You wouldn’t jump in to stop that. So, please, drop the double standard. I’m neither a damsel in distress nor would I do anything to hurt Ran. Honestly, I’m a little offended that you feel the need to act like that.”
I make to leave the kitchen, but Shane grabs my wrist, forcing me to turn back to him.
“I’m sorry, Cat,” he says, his blue eyes soft. “You’re right. I just feel protective of Ran.”
“I feel protective of him, too,” I say. “I promise, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him. I miss him, I want him home…”
Shane looks downtrodden. “I know. I know all that. I think… I’m still struggling with… I feel guilty that I didn’t protect him from…”
“There was nothing you could have done to protect him.”
Shane shakes his head adamantly. “I could’ve made him tell someone.”
“Oh, right. Have you met Ran?” There’s no way Shane could’ve made Ronan do anything Ronan wasn’t ready to do. “I’m pretty sure you tried to convince him to tell someone.”
“Fine, then I should have told someone. I don’t know why I didn’t.” I can see the guilt, the regret in Shane’s whole body and face, and it’s a sentiment I’ve heard echoed by Steve, who still beats himself up over not knowing, not noticing, not protecting his little brother.
“And what do you think would have happened if you had told someone? Probably only one of two things: either nothing at all, or things would have been worse for Ran. I think subconsciously you knew that and so you did the only thing you could do for him: listen, be there for him, and provide him with a safe space, which you did!” I say, resting my hand on his forearm.
He looks at me, the pain reflected in his eyes. “I don’t know about that,” he sighs.
“But I do. Think about it! How often did Ran seek refuge at your place? And your family let him work at Murphy’s, which was another way for him to escape that hell house.”
To my relief, Shane’s mood seems to lighten as he nods slowly.
“And he confided in you,” I say. “You allowed him to share just a little bit of his burden. Shane, you’re a great friend. You did what you could, and now you can stop overcompensating and hovering over me, okay?” I add with a grin, which Shane reciprocates.
“I’ll try. But I’ll still tell Ran that I kept the vultures away,” he says with a chuckle.
I roll my eyes exaggeratedly. “Whatever you need to do,” I say as Shane drapes his arm over my shoulder and leads me back out to the deck.