Chapter 31
Greyson
Lukewarm regards.
I didn’t know if Eleanor was trying to be comical or sassy, but she’d missed the mark on both accounts.
I simply found it childish and rude. There wasn’t anything I’d said to her that was out of the norm for a professional place of employment, and for the amount she was being paid, she could’ve at least been respectful enough to not be catty.
I didn’t have any more work to do in my home office that night, and it was only eleven. Perhaps that was why I’d found the need to send Eleanor the email at all.
I needed to stay busy. Otherwise I’d think, and nothing good came from my thoughts.
Ding.
I looked down at my cell phone.
Landon: Roses are red, violets are blue, would you stop being a dick and just call me, dude?!
Landon’s best-friend daily check-in message came a little later than normal that night. He must’ve had a long day of filming.
After high school, Landon’s life had shifted in a way most people only dreamed of. He’d gone off to California during spring break to get wasted and party, and instead, he had been discovered by a Hollywood acting scout and become this insanely famous actor.
People called him the next Brad Pitt, but I still just called him Landon.
The last thing he needed was for me to treat him like a celebrity.
He was surrounded by enough people who praised him as if they knew him, but he and I had never had that type of relationship.
I was proud of him, yeah, but I didn’t treat him like a celebrity.
I treated him like my best friend from childhood.
He needed some people to keep him grounded.
I didn’t message him back that night. He didn’t expect me to.
“Daddy,” a small voice said, making me look up as my office door opened.
Lorelai was standing there rubbing her eyes and yawning as she walked into the office.
She was once again wearing her butterfly wings on her back, even though I’d taken them off about two hours earlier when I’d done my rounds to check on the girls.
“What are you doing out of bed?” I asked, standing from my desk.
“I had a bad dream,” she whined, still rubbing her eyes.
I walked over and picked her up in my arms. “Let’s get you back to bed. You have school in the morning.”
“Can I sleep with you and Mommy?” she asked, and her words hit me straight in the chest. I took a few deep breaths and tried to push down the hurt her words caused my soul.
“Not tonight, Lorelai.”
“But Daddy,” she cried.
“Not tonight,” I repeated as I led her to her room.
I laid her down, and she was still crying with tiny tears falling from her closed eyes.
“Will you lay with me, Daddy?” she asked, sniffling.
I lay down beside her, and she wrapped her arms around me.
Lorelai wasn’t one to ever really show sadness except for when she had bad dreams. I wondered if they were anything like my dreams. I wouldn’t have wished my nightmares on my worst enemies.
As I held her, her sadness began to fade as she fell back into a deeper sleep. I, on the other hand, lay there wide awake, staring into the darkness as her words danced across my mind.
Can I sleep with you and Mommy?
Part of me thought she’d said the words because she was half asleep and confused.
Another part knew better than that, because I had walked in on her pretending to talk to Nicole.
I had watched her hold full-blown conversations with a mother who was not here.
I had witnessed her setting a spot for her mother at the dinner table on Spaghetti Mondays.
Lorelai knew Nicole had passed away, but she had somehow managed to hold on to her, to keep going on as if her mother was still alive, just invisible.
I worried about that, wondering if it was healthy for her mind.
Then again, I also envied her ability to have that connection with Nicole in some way, her ability to believe in something bigger than what was right there in front of her.
If I could have lived in a world where I believed in angels, I’d have talked to my wife every day too.
After Lorelai was asleep, I stayed a bit longer, holding her against me.
She needed me that night, but perhaps I needed her too.
* * *
I woke up still in Lorelai’s bed, a bit confused about my whereabouts. I sat up a little as my body whined and groaned from being twisted up in such a tiny bed.
What time is it?
How long have I been asleep?
I had no clue, though it did seem like the best rest I’d gotten in over ten months, even if my body felt bent out of shape.
I walked to the kitchen to find Eleanor making a cup of coffee from the Keurig.
She turned around and jumped slightly when she saw me standing there. “Oh, Grey—er—Mr. East. Good morning.”
I narrowed my eyes.
It’s morning?
“What time is it?” I grumbled.
“Seven. I was about to get the girls up to shower,” she explained. “But then I saw you sleeping with Lorelai and figured I’d let you both rest a little longer.”
“Seven?! Shit!” I moaned, running my hands through my messy hair. I couldn’t believe I’d slept in that long. I never slept in. I was late and didn’t have time to get my morning run in. “You should’ve woken me,” I snapped, even though it wasn’t her job to make sure I was up. Still.
Shit!
“Sorry, I just figured you were already dressed for work and went to lie with her for a little bit.”
“Why would you think I was ready for work?” I barked, irritated at her, but I didn’t even know why I was irritated. Sometimes my emotions ran wild before I could catch them.
“Well, you know . . .” She gestured toward me, and I looked down at my outfit.
My wrinkled, five-hundred-dollar suit that I wore to bed last night. I wore a five-hundred-dollar suit to bed like I had no cares in the world.
“Oh. Sorry,” I grumbled, because I felt like an idiot. I turned to walk away, and she called back to me.
“Mr. East, just really fast,” she said, her voice low and a bit timid.
“What is it?”
“I just wanted to apologize for my email response last night. It was very unprofessional.”
I narrowed my eyes, somewhat taken aback by her apology. I hadn’t expected one at all. “Oh, well, yes. It was unprofessional, but it isn’t a huge deal.”
“It is, though. I honestly didn’t know you were serious about calling you Mr. East until you replied to my next email.
Therefore, my response was meant to be comical, but obviously it didn’t come off that way.
I crossed a line I shouldn’t have crossed, and I apologize for that.
I feel like you’re giving me a huge opportunity with this job, and it means a lot to me.
I don’t want to blow it, and I’m sorry if I was rude or snappy.
I take this position seriously, and I hope you know that. ”
I nodded once because I didn’t really have anything else to say.
“And Mr. East?” she said as she combed one hand through her hair.
“Yes?”
“I am sorry, you know.”
“Yes, Eleanor. You’ve already stated that.”
“No, I mean . . . for your loss. I don’t think I’ve said that to you yet, and I just wanted you to know.
Everything I’ve heard about Nicole shows she was a wonderful woman, an amazing mother, and I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss.
I know it doesn’t do anything, but I am, you know. I am sorry.”
I took a moment to look at her, to really see her.
I hadn’t done so since she arrived for the job interview.
Her hair was light brown with gentle waves.
It was much lighter than I remembered. Not that it mattered; I just happened to notice.
And her eyes . . . Her eyes were still those dark brown tunnels they’d been when we were children.
They were still shaped like a doe’s. They were still beautiful.
And now they were staring at me as if I were the saddest man alive.
She made me so uncomfortable with her pitiful stare.
Deep in those eyes was a level of care and concern I didn’t think I deserved. I was rude to her, cold for reasons I couldn’t even untangle in my own head, but still, she looked at me as if she’d forgiven me for a harshness I hadn’t found the courage to apologize for.
After all this time, Eleanor still cared, and her apology was the sincerest thing I’d ever heard.
“Thank you, Eleanor.”
“Of course.”
I started to walk away, then paused my footsteps as stupid grief began to fill me up inside once more. I hated how it showed up whenever it wished to. I hated how it swallowed me whole and then spat me out.
Everything in life was harder without Nicole.
Every breath I took stung a little more.
I didn’t know how to explain that to Eleanor.
I didn’t know if she’d even care.
I brushed my fingers against the back of my neck and cleared my throat.
“We were young,” I told her, making those brown eyes look my way again.
“When we had Karla, we were young, and I didn’t fall into the father role easily, but Nicole .
. .” I paused, feeling her name on my lips.
Even after all this time, it was hard to say it without feeling as if the sky was falling.
I took a deep breath in. “She did everything so effortlessly. It was as if motherhood was something she was made for. So what you’ve heard from others is true.
She was a wonderful woman, and the most amazing mother in the whole world. ”
Eleanor’s eyes watered over and she nodded, understanding how hard those words were for me to speak.
I wondered if she could see it: the crumbling pieces of my soul.
“If you ever need someone to talk to . . .” she started, but I shook my head quickly.
Too much.
“I don’t.”
I had crossed a line by sharing that small bit about Nicole, but I just hadn’t been able to help it.
I just needed her to know.
The whole world deserved to know what an exceptional woman my wife had been, and the whole world needed to know that we’d lost something so damn special the day she went away.