36. Breaking Down
THIRTY-SIX
brEAKING DOWN
J ax
The first thing I feel when I wake up is Lily wrapped around me. Her warmth, her softness, the sound of her gentle breathing. I lie still for a moment, letting myself savor the feeling. But like a dark cloud creeping in, my thoughts start to take over. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve the band or the success we’ve found. I feel like I’m dragging everyone down with me, weighed down by my past mistakes.
Carefully, I turn over, trying not to wake her. But she stirs anyway, her eyes fluttering open. When she sees me, she smiles, and it hits me like a punch to the gut. How can she still smile at me after everything? All the jealousy and frustration and ugliness I’ve felt over the past few days batter against my skull, worsening my guilt.
I ignore all of it. Or try to, anyway.
I pull her closer, gathering her in my arms. She doesn’t resist, resting her head on my chest, her body fitting perfectly against mine. I wonder if she would want to lie here with me if she knew just how deeply I’ve hurt the people around me in the past. Would she run away? Instead of asking, I run my fingers through her hair, feeling the soft strands slide between my fingers.
“Morning,” she murmurs, her voice still thick with sleep.
“Morning,” I reply, my voice rough. I press a kiss to her forehead, her temple, then her cheek before finally finding her lips. It starts soft, tender, but the kiss deepens quickly. She sighs into my mouth, her hands tangling in my hair, pulling me closer. Something stirs inside me, something real amidst the morose feelings I’ve been drowning in. I want to lose myself in her, to forget about everything else, even if it’s only for a little while.
I roll us over, hovering above her, our lips never breaking contact. My hands roam her body, tracing the curve of her waist, feeling the softness of her breasts. She arches into my touch, her nails dragging lightly down my back, sending a shiver through me. I trail kisses down her neck, to her collarbone, moving lower as I worship her with my mouth. Her skin tastes sweet, like something I don’t deserve but crave, anyway. When I move back up to kiss her, she’s breathing heavily, her eyes dark with desire.
“Jax,” she whispers, her voice filled with need.
With frantic movements, we help each other shed clothing. In seconds, Lily lies beneath me, her perfect body fully bared. I line myself up and push into her slowly, savoring the feeling of her tight heat surrounding me. She gasps, wrapping her legs around my waist, pulling me deeper. I move slowly at first, wanting to savor every sensation, every sound she makes. Each thrust feels like an anchor, tethering me to the present, to her.
At that moment, she’s my entire world. I kiss her deeply, pouring all my frustration, guilt, and longing into that kiss. She responds eagerly, meeting my movements, her hands clutching at my shoulders, holding me close. I doubt she understands what I’m trying to communicate with every passing of my lips over hers, but I pretend otherwise.
We move together in a slow, steady rhythm that builds and builds. Her body starts to tense beneath me, her nails digging into my skin as her pleasure rises. She cries out my name as she falls apart, her body trembling around me, and it’s enough to send me over the edge too. I bury myself deep inside her, losing myself in the release.
Afterward, we lie tangled together, our breathing slowing as we come down from the high. I kiss her again, softer this time, lingering, trying to communicate everything I can’t say out loud. She smiles against my lips, her fingers brushing through my hair.
She doesn’t understand. She probably never will.
“Thank you,” she whispers, her voice full of emotion.
I nod, unable to speak past the lump in my throat. A wave of guilt crashes over me, but I push it aside, trying to focus on the comfort of her in my arms.
We stay like that for a while, holding each other, finding solace in the quiet intimacy. Despite everything, she’s still here with me, and for now, that feels like enough.
Eventually, she lifts her head, concern etched into her face. “Are you okay, Jax?” she asks softly. “You seemed really down last night.”
I hesitate. The urge to tell her the truth battles with the need to protect her from the darkness inside me. “Yeah, I’m okay,” I lie, forcing a smile. “Just had a bad day. It happens sometimes.”
She watches me carefully, worry still lingering in her eyes. “If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure,” I say, though the guilt of lying to her weighs heavily. I kiss her forehead, trying to reassure her. “Thanks for asking, though.”
She nods, snuggling closer. I hold her tighter, focusing on her warmth, the steady rhythm of her breath, trying to drown out the turmoil swirling inside me. But it’s there, gnawing at me, threatening to pull me under.
Eventually, we both drift back to sleep. Her body curled around mine, her presence a small comfort in the storm I’m trying to keep at bay. But deep down, I know the truth—I’m on the edge of spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop it. The band’s already in trouble, and I can’t ask them to take care of me again. They deserve better. Lily deserves better.
I just wish I knew how to be the person they need me to be, instead of the mess I’m becoming.