40. Breaking Point
FORTY
brEAKING POINT
E nzo
The ride back to the bus is a tense blur. Tension hangs in the air like a storm waiting to break. I follow Lily out of the van, releasing her hand as she scrambles in front of me, her panic palpable. I immediately scan the area for any sign of Marcus and Jax.
Within seconds, another vehicle pulls up behind us, and relief washes over me when Marcus steps out, tired but otherwise okay. My eyes remain fixed on the van, waiting for the fourth member of our band and feeling a growing sense of unease deep in the pit of my stomach.
"Hey, you made it," Lily says, her voice shaky with relief.
Marcus gives a weary smile. "Yeah, I’m here."
Lily’s eyes dart around. "Where’s Jax?"
Marcus’s face falls as he glances around, taking his eyes off of Lily for the first time since he arrived. "I haven’t seen him since the venue. He’s not with you?"
Panic flashes in Lily’s eyes. "What do you mean you haven’t seen him?"
Dylan tries to keep it light, though his attempt is weak. "Maybe he found a better afterparty?"
I glare at him. "Not the time, Dylan."
I watch Lily as her panic flares back to life. She starts doing these weird, panting breaths. She was doing them back at the venue and it took half the ride to the bus for her to stop.
I step forward, placing my hand against the small of her back as she blurts, "We have to find him."
Marcus stays calm, trying to steady her. "Let’s check the bus first. He might already be inside."
We hurry onto the bus, the air thick with worry. Some for Jax, but also a large portion for Lily. She does not seem to be doing okay as the lights flicker on, casting an uneasy glow on the familiar space. We search every corner, every bunk—but there’s no sign of Jax.
Then Lily sees it. A crumpled note on the floor beside Jax’s bed. Her hands shake as she picks it up and starts reading aloud. “I’m sorry I keep fucking everything up. You’re better off without me.” Her voice cracks on the last word, and her legs give out underneath her. She slides to the floor, tears sliding down her face silently. The sight of those tears rips through me. I kneel beside her, placing a hand on her back, but I feel helpless.
“Fuck,” Dylan mutters, running a hand through his hair. “What the hell is he thinking?”
No one responds, and Lily restarts her panicked breathing. Marcus crouches down on the opposite side of me, next to Lily, trying to remain level-headed. "We’ll find him, Lily. We just need to stay calm." He urges her to put her head between her knees, rubbing a calming hand down her back as she gets her breathing back under control.
Frustration boils over in me. "Stay calm? How the hell are we supposed to stay calm when Jax is out there doing God knows what?"
Lily makes a sound of distress, and Marcus gives me a sharp look. "This isn’t helping, Enzo."
He’s right, but I can’t stop the anger and helplessness swirling inside. We’ve been through so much already, and now this. I look around the bus, feeling like everything is slipping away. Now I sound like Jax.
Motherfucker.
"We need to call Harris," I say, my voice rough. "He’ll know what to do."
Marcus pulls out his phone. "I’ll call him. Dylan, see if you can track Jax’s phone."
Dylan nods, already typing away on his phone. "On it."
I stay by Lily, my hand on her back, feeling the tension of her muscles as she tries to pull herself back together. I take over rubbing calming circles as Marcus stands and walks a few paces away. Jax’s note plays on repeat in my head. “I’m sorry I keep fucking everything up. You’re better off without me.”
Marcus calls Harris, speaking in a low and urgent tone. "Harris, we’ve got a problem. Jax is missing. He left a note..." He glances at Lily before he continues. “He left a note. I think it’s like last time.”
The bus is so quiet I can hear Harris’s voice crackle through the phone, sharp with concern. "I’ll be there as soon as I can. Keep looking for him. I’ll make some calls."
Marcus hangs up, his face grim. "Harris is on his way. We need to keep searching."
Dylan looks up from his phone, frustration clear in his eyes. "I can’t get a signal on his phone. I think he turned it off."
"Great," I mutter. "Just fucking great." This really is like last time. As much as we wanted to believe that Jax was better and this wasn’t going to happen again… it was happening again. Only this time it was worse because Lily would be caught in the crosshairs for failing to keep track of him.
Marcus stands, his expression determined. "We’ll split up. Enzo, stay here with Lily. Dylan and I will search around the venue, see if anyone’s seen him."
I want to argue, to be the one out there looking for Jax, but when I look at Lily—barely holding it together—I know I have to stay. She needs me here. "Fine," I say through gritted teeth. "Just find him."
Marcus and Dylan nod and head out into the night. The bus feels eerily quiet after they leave. The sounds of Lily’s rough breathing are even more obvious in the silent space, without the others. I sit beside her, my mind racing with worry and anger.
"Lily," I say softly, my hand still on her back. "We’ll find him. I promise."
She looks up at me, her eyes swollen and red. "What if something happens to him, Enzo? What if we don’t find him in time?"
I shake my head, trying to sound more confident than I feel. "We will. Jax is tough. He just needs time to cool off. We’ll find him." I don’t add what I really want to say. If something does happen to Jax, this is on him. He’s made his choices, disregarding the rest of us like he always does. I know that won’t help the situation now, though. Lily clearly feels like she is responsible for Jax, whether from just her job or from another attachment to him. I’m not entirely sure and I try not to dwell on it too much.
Minutes stretch into agonizing hours as we wait. The bus feels like a prison, each second dragging painfully slow. Eventually Lily and I move to the sofa and I tuck her into my side while we wait. When Marcus and Dylan finally return, their faces are grim.
"No sign of him," Marcus says, frustration lacing his voice. "No one at the venue saw anything."
Dylan shakes his head. "It’s like he vanished."
Lily starts crying again, her silent tears that are so much worse than sobs, and my helplessness morphs into anger. How could Jax do this to us? To her?
Harris arrives soon after, his face set with determination. "We’ll find him," he says firmly. "I’ve got people looking. We won’t stop until we know where he is." But even as he speaks, I see the worry in his eyes. This is more than a missing band member. It’s Jax—our lead singer, our brother—and he’s out there somewhere, with an addiction that he struggles with every day. The odds are not good that he will come out of this unscathed.
The night drags on. We take turns searching, but each passing hour chips away at the hope that we’ll find him anytime soon. Lily’s tears come in waves, her despair palpable.
I sit beside her, Jax’s note echoing in my mind. You’re better off without me. I don’t believe it. We’re not better off without him. The band needs him. She needs him.
"Enzo," Marcus says, breaking my thoughts. "We need to keep searching."
I nod, my resolve hardening. "You’re right. Let’s go."
We step back out into the night, hoods drawn to avoid recognition as we check out alleyways and dark corners of the city. A part of me can’t shake the feeling that we’re already too late. And as the first light of dawn begins to break, the weight of our situation settles over me like a crushing wave.
We have to find Jax. We will find him. Because without him, there is no band. And without the band, we’re nothing.