Chapter 21 #2
“Okay well, who has you irritated because you like him?”
“That is a completely different question.”
“But it’s accurate.” She said taking a sip of her mimosa.
I leaned back against the booth, staring out at the boats moving across the water. I had not said Lev’s name aloud to anybody in this context. Saying it would make whatever was happening feel more real, and I wasn’t sure I wanted it to be real yet.
“It’s complicated.” I admitted.
Tasha groaned. “Every woman says that right before introducing you to the reason her life is about to fall apart.”
I sat back in my chair and continued to sip. “My life is already falling apart.”
She leaned forward, with her elbows on the table. “Do I know him?”
“Not really.”
“That wasn’t a no though.”
“You’ve seen him before.” I said scanning the menu. “It’s Lev.”
For once, Tasha had nothing to say. Her mouth opened, closed, then opened again before she spoke. “Lev,” she repeated slowly. The man you owe fifty thousand dollars?”
“Twenty-five now.”
She paced her hand against her chest. “Oh, excuse me. The man you owe a small car.”
“Tasha.” I giggled looking around.
She sat back and stared at me. “How did this even happen?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed.
She scratched her head and that crease formed in between her eyebrows. “What you mean, you don’t know? You slipped and fell into feelings?”
“I said I might like him. I didn’t say I was picking out damn curtains.” I whispered harshly.
“You don’t even like people.”
“I like people. How else would I have the job that I have if I didn’t like people. You’re making up stuff now.””
“No, correction you tolerate people.”
I looked away to hide my smile. “Something happened!”
The smile disappeared. Tasha pointed at me with a fry. “I knew it!” she said like she had just won bingo.
I lowered my head once again looking around and over my shoulder. “Lower your voice.” I warned.
“What happened?”
“Nothing I want to discuss in the middle of a restaurant.”
She sat her mimosa down and cocked her head to the side. “Navy, did you—”
I immediately held me hand up to stop her. “Do not finish that sentence. It wasn’t planned.”
“That makes it worse.”
“How?”
“Because planned means you made a bad decision with organization. Unplanned means your body overthrew the damn government.” She replied as I covered my face with both hands. She reached across the table and pulled one of them down. “Do you regret it?”
I considered lying, but Tasha would have heard it before the answer left my mouth. “No, I don’t regret it at all. ”
Her expression changed into concern. “What about Marv?”
“We’re not together.”
The waiter arrived with our entrées, placing grilled salmon in front of me and a blackened chicken pasta in front of Tasha.
The interruption gave me room to breathe, although Tasha continued watching me while he grated fresh Parmesan over her food.
Once he left, she twirled pasta around her fork without eating it.
“You need to be careful,” she said.
“I am.”
“No, you’re not. You’re trying to be.” She coached me while I just looked at her.
“There’s a difference,” she continued. “You just got out of something that broke pieces off you. Lev might make you feel safe right now, but you don’t know what he looks like once he wants something from you besides money. ”
I jerked my head back and shook my head. “He already wants money.”
“You know what I mean.”
I cut into my salmon and let the steam rise between us. “I’m not trying to be with anybody. I’m trying to finish paying him, get divorced, and get my life together.”
“Good.”
“But I do like him.”
Tasha’s mouth twisted as though she wanted to argue but knew there was no point arguing with a feeling. “Just don’t confuse the first man who treats you gently with the man meant to keep you safe.”
The words rang through my ears loud and clear. I lowered my fork. “When did you get wise?”
“I’ve been wise. I just dress it up in foolishness so y’all don’t get intimidated.”
I smiled, but hers didn’t fully return. She looked down at her plate and began pushing the pasta from one side to the other.
The noodles dragged through the cream sauce without ever reaching her mouth.
A few seconds later, she reached for the paper wrapper from her straw and started folding it into smaller and smaller squares.
I watched her paying close attention because she had been loud all morning teasing, laughing, talking to strangers as if she had known them for years. Now she sat still with her shoulders slightly rounded, pressing her thumbnail into a piece of paper no larger than a postage stamp.
“You okay Tash? ”
“Yeah.”
The answer came too quickly. “Tash, we’ve been talking about me all morning, but how are you?”
“I’m fine.” She reached for her mimosa, then stopped before her fingers touched the stem.
That was when I knew that something was. “Tasha, look at me.”
She kept her eyes on the plate and I waited. Outside the window, the sunlight flashed across the water. Somewhere behind us, a child started crying because his mother had taken away a phone. The restaurant continued around us, bright and busy, while our table had become much quieter.
Finally, Tasha placed both hands in her lap. “I’m pregnant.”
I stared at her for a moment, because the words didn’t connect right away. They hovered between us, familiar but impossible. “You’re what?”
Her eyes finally lifted to mine. “Pregnant.”
The playful warmth that normally lived in her face had disappeared. Without it, she looked younger and more tired than she had all day. “How far?”
“Probably six weeks, maybe five.”
“You took a test?”
“Girl I took four damn tests.”
“Tasha.”
“I wanted to make sure the first three wasn’t lying.”
Despite the shock, I sighed in disbelief. “Pregnancy tests don’t lie all the time.” I leaned back, trying to absorb what she had said. “Who is the father?” I asked and then her gaze moved toward the window. “Who, Tasha?”
She exhaled through her nose, irritated now, though I could tell the irritation had more to do with herself than me. “An ain’t-shit-ass man, that’s who.”
“Were y’all dating?”
“No.”
I frowned. “Then who is he?”
“We weren’t dating and that’s why you don’t know about him.” She picked up her fork, then set it back down without using it. “It was just fucking, that’s it.”
I didn’t hide my disappointment fast enough and she caught it. Her eyes hardened. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Look at me like that.”
“You know how babies are made.”
“I know.”
“You know how many things you can catch sleeping with somebody you clearly don’t even respect.”
“I know, Navy.”
“Then why?”
“Because I made a stupid decision.” The sharpness in her voice stopped me. Tasha looked away, blinking quickly. “I know it was stupid. I know I should’ve protected myself., but there wasn’t anything to tell. He comes over, we have sex, he leaves, that was it.”
“Does he know?”
“No.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“Hell no.”
My brow creased. “Why not?”
“Because I’m not keeping it.” She said it plainly, without looking away this time. “I already made the appointment for tomorrow morning.”
I studied her face, searching for hesitation and finding exhaustion instead. “You’ve been sitting with this by yourself?”
“For a few days.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because you got enough going on.”
She was right, I did, but I would still be there for her just like she was always there for me. “That doesn’t mean you go through something like this alone.”
“I’m not going through it. I’m handling it.”
“That’s the same thing.”
“No, it isn’t.” She lifted her mimosa and drank some more before spilling the rest of it on accident when she went to sit the glass down. Tasha stared at the spill. “I don’t want a baby,” she said more quietly. “Not like this and not with him. I’m not about to tie myself to somebody like him.”
I grabbed a napkin and dabbed at the table.
“You don’t have to explain your choice to me.
I mean I’m disappointed you put yourself in the situation.
That’s different from me judging what you decide to do about it.
” I reached across the table, covering her hand with mine. “You want me to go with you tomorrow?”
She shook her head. “I’ll be fine.” A faint smile touched her lips. “I already arranged everything. My cousin’s taking me.” She squeezed my fingers. “I don’t want a whole production. I want to go, get it done, come home, take some pain pills, and watch television until I fall asleep.”
“Then I’ll come over afterward.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know.”
Her eyes shined for half a second before she blinked and looked away. “Well, if you insist at least bring food.”
I furrowed my brows and chuckled. “You just said you don’t want a production.”
She waved me off. “Food is not a production, food is care.”
“What do you want?”
“Chicken wings and macaroni.”
“You’re asking for a full meal.” I laughed softly, grateful when she did too.
The rest of lunch went by and the laughter returned.
Tasha finally ate a few bites of pasta after I threatened to ask the waiter for a takeout box and hand feed her in the parking lot.
She complained that the Parmesan was now hard while she was having a crisis, then ordered cheesecake because she believed emotional announcements was a good cause for a good dessert.
Afterward, we walked through the shopping district as we wandered into stores neither of us could afford to shop in regularly and touched fabrics like we had been sent there to approve them.
Tasha tried on a pair of sunglasses large enough to cover half her face and asked whether they made her look mysterious.
“They make you look like a fly.”
“A rich fly?”
“A fly with good credit.”
She bought them anyway and then I found a soft blue dress I liked, but after checking the price tag twice, I put it back. By the time we made it back to the car, my trunk held shopping bags, and the heaviness from lunch still had me full.