Chapter 17 #2
I hang out with the team’s social media managers as the kids begin to filter in, sitting in the first couple of rows, right behind the Iron’s bench, and since all the adults have signed waivers, I snap a few photos of their children smiling when the music starts playing.
Coach Elliot skates out on the ice, as well as a few of the players, including Nico, and I capture him mid-wave, mouth open wide, as if he’s shocked the kids are there and cheering.
Once everyone is accounted for, the program’s director talks a bit to them then introduces the team’s mascot, Iron Will, who basically looks like a bigger and bulkier Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. The kids go nuts, and I snap a few pictures of them swamping him.
Then promptly turn my lens on Nico as he shouts about how he doesn’t understand how “that hunk of junk” is more popular than he is, playfully rolling his eyes and challenging Will to a fight.
The kids love it, all hooting and hollering, cheering on the fight, and that’s when the music turns on, and Iron Will hops the boards, inviting Nico to a dance-off.
Will hands off the Iron Hammer to one lucky child to hold then goes right into a version of the robot.
Nico hits back with some disco moves, and Will moonwalks on the ice.
Nico tries but fails and ends up waving all the kids onto the ice.
The music stays on, but the lights lower, and it turns into a party.
For two hours, I snap pictures of these kids having the time of their lives as professional hockey players race them, help them up when they fall, and even shoot around a bit with the ones who want to try picking up a stick.
Multiple times, I had to force myself to stop taking pictures of Nico, but it’s difficult when he’s so photogenic, and this little girl in all pink and purple loved him.
He spent most of the time holding hands with her, even when he was talking with other kids.
She was his little shadow, and only a true coldhearted person wouldn’t fall to pieces at the way he hunched down to be at her level when she spoke to him.
After the final hug was given and merchandise signed, I handed the SD cards over to Sean and packed up, meeting Nico by the tunnel, which was fast becoming our usual spot.
“You like Korean?” he asks on the way to the parking deck.
“Never tried it.”
“You wanna?”
The way he opens the door to his car and says You wanna? with the Cheshire cat quirk to his lips makes me think he’s inviting me down the rabbit hole to Wonderland. And I am nothing if not curious.
So I drop into the passenger seat. “Yes, please.”
He chucks my chin then closes the door to round to his side, and this pattern is becoming so easy. Too easy.
How many times has he done all of this before?
Escorted me to his car and tossed me a smile before backing out of the spot then resting his hand on my leg once he’s pulled out into traffic?
I can’t even count how often he’s squeezed my knee and asked me questions at a red light, as if he knows it’s his chance because I can’t get away from him in the middle of the street.
But this time, it’s me who asks him, “Did you have fun today?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“Looked like it. The kids loved you.”
He lifts a shoulder like who wouldn’t, right?
Makes me wonder, though… “Do you ever…”
When I trail off, he flicks his eyes to me. “Do I ever what?”
“Do you ever think about after? What you want? With your life?”
“After hockey, you mean?”
I nod, and he takes a few seconds to gather his thoughts, driving through the green light to Old City. “I don’t know. I know I’m not headed for the Hall of Fame or anything, but hockey’s really the only thing in my life I’ve ever loved. Is that weird?”
“No. Photography is the only thing I’ve loved.”
He purses his lips, tugging at the back of his neck, and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen him off-kilter. The question really threw him. “I never liked to think of it, what happens after. Scares me, if I’m honest. I guess that’s why I’ve been…living my life to the fullest.”
I snort a laugh. “Having sex with everything in sight?”
“Careful, Jojo. You almost sound jealous.”
I cross my arms, refusing to give in to his flirtations. I’m not jealous. Yet, it sort of sounds like I am when I ask, “What about after this fake engagement is over? You want to get married and have kids?”
At the next red light, he turns to meet my gaze, eyes dipping momentarily to my mouth. “I haven’t noticed you biting it as much.”
“Hm?”
“Your lip.”
I touch said lip. “What are you talking about?”
“All day, I didn’t see you do it once.”
“All day? You weren’t watching me all day, during the event.” Right? It wasn’t possible.
And yet, he huffs and focuses on the road once more, both hands on the steering wheel. “I’d like to get married, yeah. I rarely saw my parents being together, so I don’t know how naturally being married would come to me, but I would try. I’d like to try to find what they didn’t have.”
No one would ever know it, but I think Nico’s lonely.
Like me.
We’re kindred spirits.
I faded into the background while he took center stage, both of us looking to fill the void in different ways.
“Children?” I ask, and he shrugs.
“I’m ambivalent, but I think that means no, right?
If you can give or take them, that’s probably a sign you shouldn’t have them.
My parents were ambivalent about me, and that’s a shitty way to bring a kid into this world.
” He exhales harshly like he’s ridding himself of bad vibes and turns the question around on me.
“What about you? You want to be married with kids?”
I’ve never had anyone ask me flat out what I wanted for my future.
I haven’t been on enough dates to get that far to see if our goals aligned.
So it’s funny it’s my fake fiancé to whom I’m talking about this.
“I adore kids, and genuinely loved the time I spent working in childcare, but I don’t think my own are in the cards.
I have too much to unravel about myself, and I can’t be sure that I’d have anything left to give a child. Besides…”
I swallow, taking a moment to pause and really consider if I want to admit the next bit. But Nico and I have always been honest with each other, so I tell him, “Even if I wanted to have children, I doubt I’d find anyone who wanted to have them with me.”
Nico slowly turns to me, jaw tight, eyes drifting over my face before finally speaking through gritted teeth. “They really fucked you up, didn’t they?”
“It’s not—”
“If you want a husband, you won’t have a problem finding one.
Your family and that goddamn town had you believing you couldn’t, but Jo…
” He heaves a sigh and rips his hat off his head to stab his fingers into his hair.
After a second, he settles himself then tries again.
“You’ve spent your life trying to blend into the background on purpose, and I think if you let yourself step out, let yourself be noticed, you’d have no problem.
Or, maybe I should say, men wouldn’t have a hard time finding you. ”
And was that jealousy in his voice? Like he doesn’t want people finding me.
I try for humor. “I need to find a date before I can think about a husband.”
He chuckles humorlessly. “Too bad I’ve got you locked down for the next few months. Your boyfriend hunt will have to wait.”
I don’t know what to say about his sudden irritation or the pinprick of happiness clawing its way out of my chest because he is jealous. So instead, I’m the one to place my hand on his thigh.
Earning the tiniest tic of his lips.
By the time we are seated at a table in the restaurant, Nico’s back to himself, and he orders multiple plates for me to try.
We share spicy pork buns, bulgogi, tofu with kimchi, and bibimbap with an egg on top.
It’s delicious, but I quickly become full.
Nico downs almost all of it, to my astonishment.
He merely pats his stomach and asks, “Do you want ice cream?”
“No. I absolutely do not want ice cream.”
He shrugs and hands over his credit card to pay, as if this is a real date and I’m really his fiancée. Out on a Saturday afternoon.
But he can’t stay over at my apartment again because he has to go home to check on Gus and get ready for the game tomorrow. I can’t be too disappointed; I will see him tomorrow at the area, and I know I’ll receive my daily breakfast delivery tomorrow. Lots of texts.
And yet…
“You gonna miss me?” he teases once we’re outside, his fingers tugging on my braids.
“No.”
“Liar.” Then he slips his hand around my neck, towing me into him for a kiss that is barely appropriate for a public sidewalk.
Later, when I’m alone in my apartment, I notice he left his toothbrush in my bathroom, right on the sink next to mine, so I message him a picture of it along with a message.
You forgot this.
No I didn’t. Left it for next time.