Chapter 14
Elizabeth
After our kiss, Mr. Darcy became unbearably correct.
He no longer suggested solitary walks. He didn’t reach for my hand under the pretense of a difficult path.
He sat at a proper distance and spoke to me with irreproachable politeness.
This conduct should have reassured me. Instead, it irritated me so much that I had to remind myself several times that a respectful man was not obliged to guess that his restraint offended the very woman who had demanded it.
Three days passed in this manner.
On the fourth, I found him in Longbourn’s library with my father. They were examining accounts. Darcy rose as soon as I entered.
“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I said.
“You’re not interrupting,” my father replied. “Mr. Darcy is endeavoring to explain that a budget should contain figures corresponding to reality. I find this notion very limiting.”
“It certainly deprives expenses of all poetry.”
Darcy closed the ledger.
“We’re finished.”
My father looked from one of us to the other.
“In that case, I shall take some air. The simultaneous presence of two reasonable people in my library threatens my reputation.”
He left before I could stop him.
Darcy and I were left alone.
He stood behind the desk, as if the furniture offered necessary protection.
“You’re avoiding me,” I said.
“No.”
“You’ve become as expansive as you were at the Meryton ball.”
“I’m trying to respect what you told me.”
“I told you our kiss wasn’t a promise. I didn’t ask you to pretend it never happened.”
His hand pressed flat against the ledger.
“I couldn’t pretend that.”
“Then why this distance?”
“Because I’ve desired you more since that day, and I don’t know what you expect of me.”
The frankness of his answer took my breath away.
He continued, his voice lower, the words coming with difficulty.
“I don’t wish to court you with my body when your mind remains uncertain. Every time I touch you, I hope you’ll choose me. That makes my gestures less selfless than I would wish.”
I walked around the desk.
“Your gestures don’t need to be selfless. They only need to be honest.”
He watched me approach without moving.
“And what would an honest gesture be at this moment?”
I stopped before him.
“Tell me you’ve thought about that kiss.”
“Every hour.”
“Tell me you wish to do it again.”
“Yes.”
“And wait for me to decide.”
His breathing changed.
I placed my hand on his. His fingers immediately turned to enclose mine.
“Not here,” I murmured.
An almost painful gleam flickered in his eyes.
“Elizabeth, you are cruel.”
“You once accused me of taking pleasure in provocation.”
“I stand by that.”
I laughed and withdrew my hand before my father returned.
This conversation should have left me happy. Yet that very evening, a rumor arrived from Meryton and transformed our new intimacy into a public threat.
Lydia returned from dinner at the Forsters’ with eyes bright with excitement.
“You’ll never guess what everyone is saying! Wickham says Mr. Darcy has purchased a debt of Papa’s, and that he did it because Lizzy must marry him!”
Silence fell over the drawing room.
My mother let out a cry.
“What debt? What absurdity! Lizzy, is it true that Mr. Darcy wishes to marry you? Why have you told me nothing?”
My father rose so abruptly that his chair struck the wall.
“Lydia, who told you this?”
“Mrs. Forster heard it from an officer, who had it from Wickham. Apparently, a clerk from Mr. Harcourt’s solicitor talked at the inn. All of Meryton knows that Mr. Darcy has saved our family.”
Jane turned pale. Kitty looked eagerly from one to another. Mary opened her mouth, no doubt to offer a moral reflection, then had the wisdom to close it again.
“Mr. Darcy hasn’t bought anything,” I said.
My voice trembled with anger.
“Then he’s marrying you?” my mother asked.
“He’s asked for my hand, but he’s giving me time to think it over.”
She sank onto the sofa.
“Ten thousand pounds a year! And you never said a word to me! I knew you were his favorite, despite all your impertinence. Oh, my poor nerves…”
“Mama, nothing’s been decided.”
Her joy crumbled.
“Not decided? How can you hesitate? After everything he’s doing for us?”
The words I had been dreading had just been spoken in front of my entire family.
After everything he’s doing for us.
I felt Jane’s eyes on me.
“Precisely,” I replied. “I will never marry him simply because he helped Papa.”
“What ingratitude!”
“It would be far greater ingratitude to give him a wife who hadn’t chosen him freely.”
My father intervened.
“That’s enough. Lydia, you will not repeat this story. Nor will Kitty. Mrs. Bennet, we will speak in the library.”
My mother protested, but he led her away.
Jane came to me.
“Lizzy, Mr. Darcy must be told before the rumor reaches him some other way.”
“I’ll write to him.”
I went up to our room. My hand trembled over the paper.
How could I tell him that Meryton already believed he had bought me? How could I ask him to endure ridicule that confirmed all his former fears about my family?
I drafted three notes and tore them up.
Before I could finish the fourth, a servant entered with a letter from Netherfield.
Elizabeth,
I have learned what is being said in Meryton. I beg you to do nothing until we have spoken. With your permission, I will come tomorrow morning.
Darcy
He had signed with only his name.
This intimacy, in the midst of scandal, made my heart clench.
I replied with a single word.
Come.