Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Sipping her wine as she relaxed back on the couch, Ellie eyed Danielle where she sat relaxed on the other side of the room, but even the calmness Danielle often brought into her home did very little to settle the restless energy fizzing beneath Ellie’s skin.
They’d arranged to have a glass of wine together, something normal and grounding, but with the mood Ellie was in, she was worried she would sink the whole bottle in the next twenty minutes and still not feel any better.
Danielle’s silence told her a lot. Too much, actually. She didn’t know how to remedy any of this either.
Great! Even the lesbian in the group is lost for words.
Ellie had updated Danielle on the last week or so, this evening too, as she’d bumped into Alba on the street, but so far…nothing. No ideas, no plan, no help that Ellie really needed. Just a quiet understanding and the occasional thoughtful look that somehow made everything feel worse.
She was tired of not knowing what to do, and she was tired of feeling like she was constantly one step behind something she didn’t fully understand. “Should I just come right out and say it to her?”
Danielle’s head shot up. “Oh, I don’t know if that’s a good idea. If she isn’t interested in you, then you’re just going to be mortified when she turns you down. I’m not sure you’re in the right place for something like that at the minute.”
Ellie appreciated that Danielle just wanted the best for her, but being in the ‘right place’ didn’t feel like much of an excuse right now.
Still, the idea of being turned down had been one of the reasons Ellie had held back so far.
A very small reason, but a reason nonetheless.
“And that’s precisely why I didn’t say anything to her in my office earlier.
” Ellie swirled her wine, watching as the droplets clung to the side of the glass.
“Well, that and the fact that I don’t want to have those conversations at work.
I’m the head teacher, and it’s unprofessional. ”
Danielle nodded slowly. “You’re right. The last thing you need is some kind of formal complaint going in.”
Ellie frowned. Would Alba do that? No…that didn’t feel right. “I don’t think that’s Alba’s style.”
“I don’t mean Alba. If someone overhears that kind of conversation, they often put two and two together and get five.
You’ll have ‘favouritism’ claims coming out of your arse.
Then there’s the fact people are already coming to you to warn you about Alba.
If those people realise something is going on, you’re going to be in for a rough time at work. ”
“I hadn’t even thought of something like that happening.
” God, Ellie really needed to separate her personal and professional life.
Even if it had blurred unintentionally, she needed to put a stop to any of those feelings she had while she was at work.
Nothing good could come from people throwing accusations around.
“I just…wish I had it in me to tell her.”
“I think you do have it in you. You’ve never shied away from what you’re thinking or feeling, El. But this is a whole different situation. It’s unknown territory for you. Of course you’re going to be torn.”
Ellie hated the idea of being torn, but Danielle was right.
This was something she’d never faced before.
Something potentially life changing. While she wasn’t afraid to explore and discover what her sexuality was now, she didn’t want to feel like a fool.
Who in their right mind would want to feel that way?
“I told her I missed her earlier.”
“And how did she react?”
“She said it only made everything worse.” On reflection, Ellie had to wonder what that meant.
And then it hit her. “You don’t think—” Ellie suddenly fell silent and frowned, her thoughts racing as the pieces slotted into place far too quickly.
Alba was putting space between them because of how she felt, not because of Audrey. Fuck. “Danielle…”
“Yes, I do think she misses you just as much, and yes, I do think she wants more.” Danielle switched seats and sat down next to Ellie. “It all makes sense.”
“Does it?” Ellie’s head was going to explode with all of the back and forth. Not with Alba—she’d been pretty clear in what she wanted—but with Danielle and her advice, and with her own thoughts spiralling.
“It does. I think she’s using the ex-wife as an excuse to avoid discussing what’s really going on.” Danielle sighed. “And I understand why she’s chosen to do that. Like I’ve already said to you, we’ve all had a run-in with a straight woman at some point in our lives.”
“You make it sound like straight women are predators who just want a shag.”
Danielle snorted. “Believe me, some of them are exactly like that.”
“That’s…I don’t want that.” Ellie shook her head. “I want to know her on a deeper level. And God, I desperately want to kiss her.”
“Oh, I know. That’s quite clear by the look in your eyes.” Danielle smirked. “But I think you have to give Alba time. She has no idea you feel the way you do, so she’s naturally going to put obstacles between you. In this case, it’s the ex-wife.”
“To be honest, I don’t blame her. If I’m learning anything about Audrey, it’s that she’s an absolute bitch. So, maybe some of it is partly to do with her, but it’s not the sole reason.”
“Women can be equally as brutal as men when it comes to divorce or separation.” Danielle gave Ellie a knowing look. “But as for you and Alba…if it’s meant to happen, it’ll happen.”
As Ellie finished the sip of wine left in her glass, the doorbell rang unexpectedly.
Both her and Danielle frowned. The only person it could be was sitting right beside Ellie, and they both knew it.
“I’ll get the door. You find something for us to watch while we put the world to rights.” Ellie lowered her wine glass to the table and made a beeline for the door.
She opened it, and her heart stuttered when a miserable Alba stared back at her.
“Alba, h-hi.”
“I…can’t do this,” Alba said as her bottom lip trembled. “I want to, I really wish I could be your friend, but I can’t, Ellie.”
Her shoulders slumped, the weight of everything she’d been holding back visible in the way she stood, and in the way her eyes searched Ellie’s face, reminiscent of someone trying to memorise what they couldn’t have.
“I can’t sit across a room from you anymore and wish you looked at me the way I look at you.
I can’t see you around school and stand back, just admiring you for being the strong, intelligent woman that you are.
I…can’t be alone with you, because I’m scared that I’ll do something or say something that will make you run away.
” She shook her head and bit back a sob.
“I can’t see you unless I absolutely have to anymore. ”
“Alba—”
Alba lifted a hand. “None of our friendship has been a lie. Even though I made a mistake and got too attached to you, none of it was a lie. Everything I’ve ever said or done has been as your friend.
And that’s why I needed to say these things to you, so I can let you go, and we can move on with our lives. ”
Ellie swallowed down the lump rising in her throat. She hated imagining a world where they didn’t know one another. “I don’t want you to let me go, Alba.”
Alba cocked her head and smiled back at Ellie.
“You don’t understand what I’m saying, do you?
” She took a step closer and reached out for Ellie’s hand.
When they were eye level, it took everything within Ellie not to kiss her.
“I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to put everything I feel for you to the back of my mind. I wish…God, I wish you weren’t straight, but you are, and I’ve always known that.
You’ve never once done anything to make me believe otherwise.
You’ve never led me on, you’ve just been…
perfect.” Alba lifted Ellie’s hand and kissed her knuckles.
“Don’t ever change. I adore every last thing about you, but I cannot and will not be here ever again, okay?
Even if Audrey lets me live my life in peace, as you said before. ”
Oh, God. Ellie needed to find her voice before Alba walked away.
“Because no matter what Audrey says or does, none of this is really about her. It’s about me and the fact that I’m falling for a woman I can never have.”
Ellie’s heart hammered so hard that she was surely going to pass out. Was this what it felt like? To be wanted? To…be chosen?
She tugged on Alba’s hand until their bodies were pressed together, the space between them disappearing in an instant. “I don’t want you to let me go.”
Alba frowned as her lips parted. Was what Ellie was saying beginning to register?
She stroked her knuckles against Alba’s cheek, smiling when Alba leaned into her touch, the softness of the moment undoing Ellie completely.
“I don’t know what the hell is happening to me.
You came into my life when I just wanted a good friend who didn’t see me and my situation in the million pieces it was in.
I thought you were that for me. I thought you were the friend I could turn to. ”
A tear slid down Alba’s cheek. “I’m sorry for disappointing you.”
“But what I gained was so much more than I ever thought I’d have once I lost Eloise.
” Ellie smiled when that fragility in her chest was replaced by complete certainty.
No matter what, this woman would know how she felt before this night was over.
“I laugh, I enjoy myself, but most of all, I have an incredibly kind-hearted and beautiful woman in my life now. One that I never thought I’d have feelings for, but one that I desperately want to explore those feelings with. ”
Alba’s lips parted as another tear fell. “W-what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I also can’t do this with you anymore. Not just as friends, anyway.” Ellie brushed Alba’s tears away with the pad of her thumb. “I’m saying that I wish you would have kissed me that night I came over.”
“Y-you knew about that?”
Ellie smiled as she nodded. “Yes. I…had an idea that’s what was happening.”
“And you’re not just saying these things to me so you don’t feel bad about letting me down? Because if that’s what’s happening here, I’d prefer it if you were upfront with me. I can handle it.”
“And if that’s not what’s happening here?” Ellie quirked a brow as she guided Alba further inside and closed the door. She pressed her to the back of it and braced one hand against the wood.
“Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to kiss you,” Alba whispered as she pushed off the door and pushed Ellie to the wall in the small porch.
“Because it’s all I’ve wanted to do.” Alba’s breath washed over the side of Ellie’s face as she spoke low into her ear.
“For so many weeks, it’s all I’ve dreamed about. ”
Ellie’s knees weakened as her breath caught. “Alba.”
“Mm?”
“I do want you. More than you realise.”
Alba’s thumb traced over Ellie’s bottom lip slowly before she closed the distance, and their lips met.
It was soft at first, as though they were both still asking for permission even as they gave it.
But the kiss didn’t stay gentle for long.
It deepened, and heat flared within Ellie.
The weeks of tension and restraint, the moments when they’d longed for one another, those almost moments…
it was all poured into every breath and every swipe of the tongue.
Alba’s hand tightened at Ellie’s hip, pulling her closer and claiming the space between them. Ellie’s fingers curled into the fabric of Alba’s top as she leaned into her, her entire body responding in a way she wasn’t sure she could have ever prepared for.
The sound of a throat clearing cut through everything, and reality rushed back in around them. Ellie pulled back a little, her breath unsteady and her heart racing…only now it wasn’t from longing.
Alba stepped back. “Who the hell made that noise?”
“That would be me,” Danielle said, reminding Ellie that she was there at all. “Ellie’s best friend.”
Alba turned to her with an awkward smile plastered on her face, while Ellie just grinned, unable to stop herself. “Oh, h-hi.”
“You must be Alba.” Danielle grinned and held out a hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Alba took the hand offered to her and shook. “I’m sorry?”
Sensing that Alba was feeling a little overwhelmed, Ellie stepped forward and took over the situation that seemed to be progressing. “How about everyone just takes a second to breathe?”
Alba glanced in Ellie’s direction. “Good idea. I’m going to need more than a second, though.”
Ellie stepped up beside her, her hand settling instinctively at the small of Alba’s back, hopefully reassuring her. She leaned in, her voice soft against Alba’s ear as she said, “Just relax. Everything is going to be fine.”