22. Grief #2
“I did not say I agreed with it any longer.” He cocked his head.
My words stuck in my throat.
“I am explaining to you why I searched, and had you translate the Creation Scripture. I was after those I deemed enemies.” A wry smile played at the corners of his mouth. “Yet, the true enemies were closer than I could have imagined.”
I yanked my face away from his grip and tapped the parchment, glowering at him. “Then what is this?”
A thick circle adorned a spot in the woods, and beside it was scrawled, ‘unregistered redbloods’. A bit higher than it was a small structure named Lifton Village. He’d marked where Tabby and Archer were located.
After he promised not to go after them, he did this?
I couldn’t hide my anger.
“It is not what you believe.” A tic twitched in his jaw.
“When I discovered you helping the Resistance, I nearly killed you. I was prepared to have them drag you to my chamber.” Another jump on the side of his jaw.
“I could not do it. As angry as I was, any thought of harm to you repelled me.” He shook his head.
“In a fit of rage, I scrawled the location of the illegal redblood camp.” He pinched my chin, and as much as I tried to pull away, he held tight until I looked at him.
“Just then, you began to demand an audience,” he said, voice full of humor.
“The ones you ignored. Then you summoned another woman to feed you.” I had no choice but to stamp down the emotion about his betrayals back then. It roared to life.
“I was mistaken.” He finally released my chin and scrubbed his palm over his mouth.
“I do not think I can ever trust you,” I spat at him.
He flinched as if I’d dealt a blow.
Birds chirped with the rise of dawnlight, drowning out the sound of our breathing with their chorus.
“I will live with it. As long as I have you by my side.”
The response stunned me silent. I sputtered, scrambling for my next words. Was he purposely misunderstanding me? No, more likely he simply did not care about my emotions.
“We should begin our journey,” he said, rolling to his feet with a groan.
He stretched his neck from side to side, leaving me with words on my tongue. Cassiel collected the sword and easily lifted it in one hand. He strapped it back into the scabbard, then he rolled the parchment up and stored it back into the pack.
“The conversation has not finished! You behave as if it was no large offense, but you harmed me many, many times. I will not forget this. I cannot. Despite what nature demands, it does not mean I will remain by your side—”
He snarled, taking hold of both my arms. “You, the woman I had begun to care for, worked for what I attempted to destroy. Have some thought—” he cut himself off, closing his eyes.
“Have some thought?” I parroted. “You are telling me to have some thought when you are the one that did not.” Now he had done it. I verged on raking my nails down his face.
“That is not what I meant,” he gritted out. I yanked my arms out of his grip, and it was easier than I had anticipated. Cassiel held his hands out. “There is no use in sniping at each other—”
“You are insane,” I bit out, turning away from him. I did not know where I would go, but looking at him was agony.
“I am,” he said. He came from behind me, and I had no warning before he hoisted me up onto the horse. The weighty satchel thumped against my leg.
“This conversation has not ended.” I wiggled my hips to adjust myself on the curve of the saddle. Cassiel mounted smoothly, settling behind me.
“I never said it was,” he gritted out. “But you require sustenance.”
He was only dodging the issue. Levity to avoid what he had done. Did he even know how to acknowledge it?
I curled my fingers into Abrax’s mane and scooted closer to the front of the saddle to get away from him.
Cassiel clicked his tongue, and Abrax sprang forward, slamming me back. Undoubtedly purposefully.
‘Go on, bondmate, direct your ire at me. You have many dawnlight rotations to shout at me.’
I didn’t like one bit how humored he sounded. Instead of speaking, I clammed up.
I huddled against Abrax, combing my fingers through his mane. Cassiel had been gone long enough for me to grow concerned. Not that I would admit that to him.
“I have returned with provisions.”
I screamed, whirling. Abrax neighed, shuffling from hoof to hoof.
Cassiel no longer wore the robe. He had on trousers that only reached his calves, and his tunic stretched tight across his shoulders. He rifled through the wool bag. Carefully he pulled out a gown with long sleeves. It was a simple design with a flowing skirt in a roasted chestnut shade.
Then he shook the sack.
“And breads, cheeses, and fruits for a few days.”
He angled the opening for me to see the pile of wrapped cheese bits among the fruits.
All of it would have cost me the coin from a single month’s wages.
Registered redbloods were given a stipend that was delivered to their blueblood family.
Luckily enough, the Bjorns had given me reign of mine when I lived with them.
I flicked a glance up at him and squeezed the dress.
With a nod, I handed him my satchel and backed away to huddle behind the nearest tree.
Despite him knowing every secret crevice on my body, I would change away from him.
I tossed the gown over a nearby branch sticking out.
Once I untied the robe, I shrugged it off, letting it pool at my feet.
No bloomers, but I was glad to be out of the blood and gut-coated robe. I donned the dress, and it fell to my ankles. The fit was only slightly too big, but it would do. I smoothed my hands on the front as I walked back to Abrax.
“You look lovely,” Cassiel murmured, returning my satchel.
“Thank you,” I said with ice in my voice, tossing the strap over my shoulders. The weight settled diagonally on my chest.
“Will you continue to punish me?”
“I know not what you mean,” I said innocently.
He brushed his hand through his hair. “Let me help you up.”
“I have it.” Grabbing the saddle’s edge, I popped my foot into the stirrup and jumped while simultaneously pulling myself. I hovered for a split second, my arm trembling. Cassiel palmed my bum and hoisted me up the rest of the way.
He mounted and reached to place the bag of food on my lap.
“Eat. We have a long ride ahead of us.”
I stuffed my hand into the sack, searching for an apple. Cassiel kept a hand on my waist, keeping me balanced as we rode onward. Accepting the provisions was not me accepting him.
It is survival, not surrender.