Chapter 12
Muscle Memory
Sweat beads on my forehead as I lay in the quiet darkness of the middle of the night. My heart is racing, my lungs trying to suck in as much air as they can get.
It felt so real.
I roll out of bed and over to the window, opening it as much as I can to let in the cool night air at the ranch. The last thing I remember before waking up was the heat of Miles’s touch on my skin. He runs so goddamn hot all of the time.
I’ve never had such a vivid dream in my life. When I first woke up, disappointment hollowed in my chest. All I wanted to do was tug on that fleeting memory of it until I fell back asleep and back into the illusion.
Then, my brain woke up enough to realize what it was I was trying to get back to.
Miles.
Whispering things into my ear, fingers skating ever so slightly across my back, looking at me with those deep brown eyes.
I can still remember his eyelashes, the flecks of gold glowing in the dark.
A shiver breaks out across my shoulders as I remember it, the ghost of Miles’s face skating across my vision.
A feeling I can only describe as yearning.
For a version of him I’ll never have again. Not in this life.
He’d whisper he was waiting for me all along into my hair as he held me close.
We’d ride off into the sunset, spending our days together wandering in the mountains and our nights snuggled up together by the fireplace.
We wouldn’t have to worry about things like distance because we’d always be together.
With a sigh, I fall back into the soft, mussed covers on my bed. A crisp mountain breeze rolls in, cooling me down a bit more. My gaze stalls on the wood planks of the ceiling as I replay the vivid dream over and over again in my head. I think it’s safe to say I won’t be getting much sleep tonight.
I let out a frustrated groan and hop up out of bed again, pulling on a pair of running leggings. Maybe going for a night run will tire me out a bit. Let off some pent-up energy.
The night air is cold on my cheeks as I step out of the cabin. The stars are out in full force tonight, a full moon lighting up the fields surrounding me. Wooden fence posts pass by as I run down the gravel road, tension melting off with every step I take.
It’s been months since I’ve been with anyone, in any capacity. I’m pretty sure the last human contact I had besides the cowboy at the bar was a drunken kiss on New Year’s Eve at Cisco’s bar in Juniper Ridge. What was his name? Jason?
Being around Miles is a bad idea. I don’t trust myself. Isolated up here in this small town, working in close quarters with no one else around. If I don’t get it together, we’re bound to make a mistake.
The other day, I caught a glimpse of him taking his long sleeve shirt off to switch to a t-shirt, and I almost lost it right there.
If he had looked over at me, he would have probably seen me practically drooling.
His tan abs like a washboard make me itch to run my hands up and down them.
I can see him standing there when I close my eyes, sunlight outlining his large frame, black hair smattering across his chest.
A flush creeps back up into my cheeks. I’ve got to stop thinking about him. My calves ache as I push harder, running faster down the road. The faster I run, the easier it is to clear my head. Soon, all I can hear is my breathing and the sound of my runners hitting the dirt.
I’ve run halfway to the main ranch house when I feel calm enough to turn back towards my guest cabin. My breathing is shaky by the time I get back.
Good.
Maybe now I’ll be tired enough to get some more sleep. Uninterrupted, dreamless sleep. The flush that covered my entire body when I woke up is gone, and I’m only thinking about the relief of falling back into my soft bed.
The next thing I know, I’m curling back up into bed, Miles a distant memory.
“Love the hat, Katie.” Parker reaches out and taps the front of my hat brim enough it falls into my eyes just a bit.
“Thanks, it’s new,” I laugh, taking the beer he’s offering from his hand and pushing my hat back up onto my forehead.
When I arrived at the ranch house for Sunday dinner, I was rushed into the great room at Isabella’s instructions, to ‘keep those boys in check.’ Although, I suspect she just wants me out of the way as she cooks.
Parker and I are the only ones here so far, but judging by the uneasy feeling in my gut, I’m sure Miles is near.
“Oh yeah? Where’d you get it?” Parker asks.
I tell him about the shop in town and Codie helping me pick it out. “I figured I should do at least one touristy thing while I’m here. I’m glad I did, it was fun. Plus, Codie invited me on a hike with her friends this week in the park.”
Parker grins, about to say something else, when the door to the back deck opens and Walter walks in. Not far behind him is Miles, nodding along to something Walter is telling him about cattle.
He takes up all of the air in the room when he enters. Jesus Christ, he’s wearing another black t-shirt that looks like it’s two sizes too small. For my own sanity, I should sneak into his closet and replace everything with one size up. I’m not sure how his biceps haven’t torn the sleeves yet.
Heat creeps up my neck, and I’m right back to where I was last night. Yearning.
My pulse races as Parker says something that my head can’t process.
I can’t tear my eyes away from Miles. Visions of my dream play on a loop behind my eyes.
Miles’s arms circling my waist. Miles’s breath skating across my neck.
The feel of his skin, as hot as the sun on my face on a warm summer day.
As if he can feel me staring, Miles’s eyes snap up right at me. Like he can always sense exactly where I am. A current of electricity passes between us as he stares back. I wonder if it’s all in my head, or if it’s bothering him too. This energy between us.
“Mac,” he grumbles, joining Parker and I.
“Autry,” I smile back. It’s just a greeting, but it feels oddly intimate this time. I clear my throat, fixing my hat again as I remember Parker is standing right next to us.
“Seems Katie here got a new hat in town. At the place Codie Raisanan works at.” Parker hands Miles the beer in his other hand, nudging him in the arm. A lump forms in my throat as the veins on his hands bulge around the glass. Hopefully, he doesn’t notice my pulse hammering in my neck.
“Suits you.” Without another glance my way, he heads over to the couch. My heart doesn’t know whether to be giddy or offended. But, that’s nothing new. I always seem to be confused around Miles.
Miles hasn’t uttered another word by the time we sit down at the dining room table with Walter and Isabella.
Walter leans his cane against the table, slowly lowering himself into the chair.
I get the feeling he’s the type of man who wouldn’t appreciate people fawning all over him to help, so I hold my tongue.
“Where are you going hiking with Codie?” Parker passes the bowl of mashed potatoes to me across the table.
“I can’t remember the name. She said somewhere near Jenny Lake.
Somewhere I’ve never been. Apparently they go hiking once a week,” I shrug, scooping a generous helping of potatoes onto my plate.
Potatoes have always been my favorite food.
You can eat them in so many ways. Baked, cut into fries, mashed, in bread. What other food can do that?
“I’m sure it’ll be a good one, her ex-husband is a park ranger so she probably knows all of the good spots.”
“Ex-husband? I didn’t know she was married.” Married and divorced? She can’t have been that much older than me, if at all. Parker shrugs casually, as if I should have already known this. “But, she’s so young.”
“They got married right out of high school. It wasn’t dramatic or anything when they split up. They still have the same friends and everything. Pretty sure they were always just better as friends,” Parker says.
“Well, that’s good at least,” I nod. “I couldn’t imagine getting married so young.”
“There’s nothing wrong with getting married young.” Miles’s stern growl from beside me startles me enough, I almost drop my water glass.
The fire in his eyes burns a little brighter when I look over to him. His scowl, a little harder than before. Words die in my throat.
I don’t know whether to be pissed off at him or turned on. Damn dream, messing with my head. As if I needed more confusion between us.
Isabella changes the subject easily, going back and forth with Parker about her favorite places in the National Park.
But even as dinner plates are rinsed and wine glasses are being refilled, I can still feel heat waves coming off of Miles.
I’m not listening to anything being said at the table, he’s too distracting.
Right when I thought we were cool, the Grinch is back to hating me. I can’t keep up with the rollercoaster of emotions that is Miles Autry.
Good thing I only have to for a couple more months.
Miles leans up against a wood pillar in the living room, staring at a blood orange sunset framing the dark blue outline of the mountains. His jaw ticks and I can almost see the thoughts racing through his mind. He may be a man of few words, but I can tell his mind is never quiet.
What is he thinking about? How quickly he can leave and go back to his solitude without being impolite? If he can get away with offing me and hiding my body on the ranch? Who would win in a grump-off, him or Ebenezer Scrooge?
His eyes slide over to mine and I’m lost in a golden brown whirlpool. My body immediately reacts to his gaze, as if it’s communicating back to him. My chest rises and falls rapidly, pulse speeding up. My core turns molten, goosebumps covering my arms.
Muscle memory. That’s the only explanation for this. There’s no other reason I should be so affected by him, especially when I know he’s angry with me for even being here. He probably can’t stand that I’m in his home, much less staring at him like this.
My eyes fall to the bobbing of his throat, snapping back up when I remember he’s looking at me and can see where my gaze falls. I might be imagining it, but I swear for just a second his cheeks are slightly redder behind his dark beard.
When I met Miles, he didn’t have a beard. I really wish he didn’t have one now. I had no idea bearded men are my type until I set foot on this ranch.
I need to be more careful around him. I’m really not used to this. This wanting. Usually it’s the other way around, I meet a guy always when I’m never really looking, they pursue me, and I go with it until the heat dies down and things start to get mundane.
Then, I feel trapped going down a path I don’t want to be on. Right into my parents’ life. A marriage full of disappointment, kids who resent me, nothing ever being enough. So I run back to where I’m comfortable.
Alone.
When I’m around Miles, that pattern goes out the window. I want to chase him. I want to convince him to want me back. I want to go on a hundred dates with him and never get bored or unsatisfied.
I don’t want to have to wake up in the middle of the night yearning for something I can’t have. I want the dream to never end.
But that’s not sustainable. One of us will inevitably end up hurting the other. And, I’m not willing for that to be the case for either of us. It’s best just to ignore the burning in my heart.
It takes more effort than I’ll admit to myself to pull away from his gaze and turn around. That’s probably why I sneak to the front door in the shadows like a spy retreating from a mission.