38. Ember
Ember
I rolled over, feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. A sexy truck. The panic attack induced the heat, and after that, things got hazy. Climbing onto West and fucking him until we both passed out. Taking all four of them at once until I thought I’d die from pleasure.
My feelings felt far away, and I noted with detachment that I was sore and my mouth was dry. I shifted my weight, lying too long on my bad hip, and Ben let out a little purr.
The sound went straight to my hindbrain, and my shoulders relaxed.
Rian shifted and settled behind me. It was dark and quiet, and the walls felt close together, just how I liked. One of my Squishmallows, a cat that looked like a strawberry, named Berry, was shoved between me and Ben.
I jerked, remembering the nest destroyed. Ben’s grip on my waist tightened, and Rian muttered into my neck.
The alpha patted my shoulder. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“Nothing.” I burrowed into his shoulder, the gesturing feeling familiar. His dark spicy scent was all over the place, mingling with West, Alejandro, and Rian, and I forced myself to calm down.
Ben reached behind him and groped around until he produced a water bottle.
I wrinkled my nose. “Not thirsty.”
“Drink something anyway. Would you rather something with flavor?”
I took the water bottle. It was room temperature, and I swallowed half the bottle in one go. “It’s fine.”
I tried to go back to sleep. Ben was sleepily stroking my shoulder, like we had nowhere else to be.
I jerked again. “My family. My job?—”
“Alejandro took care of that.” Ben cupped my face and kissed my forehead. “You’re on heat leave for the foreseeable future.”
“It wasn’t the fun heat,” I grumbled. Despite the sweetness of our scents layered together, I could still smell my own sour notes. “No endless orgy of sexy times. Instead I had a panic attack to kick things off.”
I couldn’t help but feel disgruntled. Absolutely none of this was going the way I’d wanted.
Ben opened his eyes and frowned. This close, his eyes looked darker. “Sweetheart. I hate that you were upset, but none of us minded being with you.”
“Thanks.” I took another swig of water, trying to ignore the rising tide of feelings.
I didn’t want to feel anymore. The worry that this was going to come crashing down at any second was at an all-time high.
The alpha softly caressed my face. I leaned into the touch, craving him. “Ember,” he whispered. “It’s okay for you to not be okay sometimes. I’m not okay all the time.”
“You’re hot, funny, and smart,” I muttered, pulling a blanket over my shoulder. Rian, still absolutely dead to the world, breathed softly on my shoulder. It was utterly adorable. His arm was slung over my waist, and the freckles dotting his arms stood out against my own skin.
“Also blind,” Ben said, sounding amused. “And it’s getting worst, and sometimes I feel sorry for myself about that. I also work long, weird hours. I missed West’s call about you being upset, and if I hadn’t been working so much, maybe you’d feel more comfortable with me.”
“What?” I frowned, shocked. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I should have been there,” he said fiercely, his face set. “We should have known the second something was wrong.”
“I didn’t know something was wrong until…” I paused. “You couldn’t have.”
He gave a little shrug, not agreeing with me.
I poked his chest. “Listen, you don’t get to feel bad for things outside your control.”
He kissed my forehead. “You first. Let me know how that works out for you.”
“Fine.” I sighed and pressed my face into his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. I saw his point, even if I didn’t like it.
Or rather, it was far easier said than done.
He moved his hand through my hair, and I instantly relaxed. I loved having my hair played with; it never failed to make my brain shut off.
Some of my immediate worry faded, and I was just left with being tired. Bone weary. Panic attacks and then a heat induced by the panic attack would do that.
West woke up next and leaned over Rian to kiss my cheek. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I said.
“I’ll get you some food.” West started to leave.
Ben shook his head. “I’ll go.”
“It’s fine,” West scooted down the mattress.
“I know it is,” Ben said. “Omegas stay in the nest.”
“But Ember’s comfortable,” West said, stubbornly crossing his arms.
I was sort of amused, and sort of turned on by their bickering. Ben was hell-bent on taking care of West, and West was hell-bent on not needing it.
“I’ll go,” Alejandro said, sitting up. “I’m the chef.”
“That doesn’t mean you wait on us hand and foot,” West said, his voice husky. He was pale with dark circles under his eyes. I winced, feeling a fresh wave of guilt. I had for sure taken him into the heat with me.
“I’m not going,” Rian said, tightening his grip on my waist. “Too comfy.”
I laughed, surprised the sound could come out of me. “How about we settle this like adults?”
West sighed. “Fine.”
“Rock paper scissors,” I said, lying against Rian’s chest.
“Good call,” he said, kissing my shoulder.
West and Alejandro went first, and West lost. He muttered and rolled his eyes but crawled next to me.
Then Ben and Alejandro went, but Ben didn’t believe Alejandro had paper when Ben threw rock, so he covered his hands. That led to a short, heated struggle, making both of their alpha scents stronger.
Alejandro won and looked smug. “All right, my amors, what are we having for breakfast?”
“Can we just come out and watch you cook?” I asked.
They all wore identical looks of horror.
I shrugged. “I’m out of heat. I sort of want a bath and stuff.”
Alejandro stroked his chin. “I’m not sure I’m ready for you to leave the nest yet. You’re safe and warm in here.”
“And sore,” I added.
“I’ll draw you a hot bath,” Ben said at the same time as West.
I giggled again, but Ben gestured at my omega. “All right, West, you draw the bath. I’ll watch.”
“Fine,” West said.
“No blind jokes?” Ben said with a grin. “I’ll watch?”
West rolled his eyes, but I could tell by the look in his eyes he was amused.
West made me a bath just how I liked, and hopped in with me.
“Anything else you need?” He sat behind me and played with the bubbles from the bath bomb. Rian was the sort of omega who liked extravagant baths, thank all the heavens.
“No,” I said. I was back to feeling sort of flat. “Just drained. I want stuff for the nest but…”
“We’ll go shopping today,” West said like he was preparing for a siege. “Just pick up some stuff and get it over with. We’re not going to feel really settled until we do.”
“When are we going back to the cottage?” I whispered.
“Not any time soon,” he said in a tone that said never .
“I was thinking about bringing a lot of stuff over here when I went,” I confessed, stroking my hands over West’s fingers. He had white scars on all his knuckles from the extensive fighting he’d done as a teen. “Like the good bowls and spoons.”
“Seems like we’re welcome to stay here as long as we want,” he said. “And if we need to leave, we can find another open cottage.”
Something broke inside me. We weren’t going back to our cottage. I’d never feel safe there again, and neither would West.
I felt safer here, with the extensive alarm codes and with having the other three around.
I pushed the feeling of anguish away. It was going to be fine. A good day. We would go nest shopping and then come back here and eat some food.
“I’m sorry,” I said, feeling like it wasn’t enough. “It’s your home too.”
West kissed my temple. “You’re my home. Wherever you are, that’s where I want to be.”
“I completely lost my shit in front of them.” I didn’t mean to say it out loud. West knew me well enough to know I was worried about that too.
“And they weren’t disgusted that you had feelings like a real person,” West said dryly. “If I thought they would react like assholes, I wouldn’t have let you stay.”
I sighed and told him about what Ben said.
“That’s stupid. He was at work.” West rolled his eyes.
I nodded, letting that be enough. West and I were together, we were safe, and we had three men waiting for us. The depth of my feelings for them only scared me, reminded me how precarious life could be.
Shoving those feelings away too, I tried to relax.
By the time breakfast was ready, I’d dressed in jeans and a light sweater.
We had pancakes, bacon, fresh fruit, and scrambled eggs, but I couldn’t eat much.
West mentioned nest shopping and Rian perked up, rattling off his favorite nest stores.
I sent a message to my family that I was okay and didn’t have the energy to talk.
Raina told me to feel better and they were ready to smother me with love when I was up to it.
We piled into Rian’s car and went shopping. I tried to muster some enthusiasm, but everything just felt blah. At least my makeshift pack didn’t act like I was a burden for not squealing with joy.